Orcus Relay

[Doozy84]

I said over in the https://forums.warframe.com/index.php?/topic/308695-fireteam-series-finale-steel-meridian/ thread that if Orcus Relay (my favorite relay) survived the Hekstorm, I would post new toys independent of my other fan projects.

And because I got up this morning and Orcus was still there, now this is happening.
 

ORCUS RELAY

 

Alone among all the vesper relays throughout the origin system, Orcus is infamous for... Being on Pluto. Because its so out of the way, and no one is ever there, the syndicates often think that no one is watching...

 

MUCH ADO ABOUT KUBROW POO

 

Steel Meridian Commander was walking down the hall when she bumped into Red Veil Agent #23. He seemed to be in a hurry.

“Where’s the fire, Reddy?” She asked as she dusted herself off.

“The Arbiter’s doorstep.” The Red Veil agent replied.

“Wait- Really?” SMC asked.

“Yea, flaming sack of kubrow poop, total classic. Just watch.” The Red Veil agent pulled SMC behind a potted plant in the hallway to survey his crime from a safe distance.

 

As if on cue, a hammerheaded Arbiter opened the door, saw the flaming bag, stomped it out, and proceeded to curse immaculately with tenno precision.

“Oh man, for a bunch of dudes that hand out Loki mods, they sure do fall for the oldest tricks in the book.” The Red Veil agent congratulated himself.

“You know, RV, I can’t help but think that constantly leaving flaming crap bags on the porches of everyone you don’t like is... Diplomatic.” SMC said.

“How do you mean?” RV asked.

“I mean we’re kind of supposed to all get along here... Even though we all pretty much hate each other.” SMC shrugged.

“Oh, well you know, I asked my cell leader about that, and he said not to worry about it, and that it was an initiation rite, and that they made all the new guys in RV do it, and that it would never have any consequences ever.” Agent #23 said.

“And you believed that?” SMC asked.

“Of course.” Agent #23 nodded.

“...Is that why the tenno are always busting you guys out of jail on capture missions?” SMC asked.

“No, that’s because we start fires and then hang out to watch them burn.” Agent #23 explained in a way that was terrifying to hear.

“Right... Glad I’m on your team.” SMC said, “Its just that you know, aren’t we all supposed to be under a truce or something up here? I mean, don’t we have to get along? We are all neighbors.”

“Not on Orcus.” Agent #23 shrugged.

“Not on Orcus.” SMC repeated sarcastically. “Why not on Orcus?”

“Because in most relay stations, we all behave ourselves because the place is full of trigger-happy space ninjas that would cut us all into chunky soup if we didn’t get along. But there’s no tenno on Orcus. No one ever comes here, so-” Agent #23 started.

“-Flaming bags of kubrow sh*t.” SMC finished for him.

“Flaming bags of kubrow sh*t!” Agent #23 nodded enthusiastically.

 

---

 

NEW LOKANACONDA

Steel Meridian Commander sat down next to an Arbiter of Hexeris in the food court.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” SMC asked.

“Does it involve animal feces?” The Arbiter retorted.

“No... I uh, don’t have anything to do with that. Too busy fighting a guerilla war against an oppressive clone empire and stuff. Honestly, the only reason I even hang out with Red Veil lately is because they don’t set my stuff on fire. Keep your friends close and the pyromaniacs closer, really.” SMC explained.

“Go on.” The Arbiter nodded.

“Well, I don’t hate you guys... And you don’t hate New Loka, right? I mean are you guys allies or anything?” SMC asked.

“We’re neutral to them. We don’t add or deduct standing at all for them.” The Arbiter explained.

“So you get along with them.” SMC said.

“Sure.” The Arbiter replied, levitating his hot dog.

“I don’t want to be a gossip... But why is the New Loka lady such a cranky b*tch to me? I mean what did I ever do to her? Is it the clone thing? Because you know, I didn’t pick this. Being a clone and stuff, its actually a huge pain in the !. You get born, and its all sticky and gooey, and your first thought is, Ah crap, I’m a clone... I hope they didn’t clone me from someone hairy, or who had bad teeth, or a heart condition or something...” SMC said.

“I don’t actually think it has anything to do with politics.” The Arbiter said.

“Really? Because she talks all that stuff about wanting humanity to rule and she doesn’t like clones and every time I see her I feel like she’s just giving me b*tch eyes under that stupid blindfold thing she wears-” SMC said.

“That is a tenno ritual meditation garment and a cultural artifact.” The Arbiter explained.

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to go there and-” SMC began to apologize.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve probably killed the person you’re cloned from.” The Arbiter shrugged.

“Yea, we cool?” SMC asked.

“We’d be fine, if you didn’t hang out with Red Veil.” The Arbiter grumbled.

“Okay look, one thing at a time. So if its not the whole creepy kill-all-clones thing, what’s the New Loka lady really about? Did I just make some huge cultural faux pas during the first impression and now she thinks I’m some total backwoods bigot Grineer hick?” SMC asked.

“No, I think she’s just jealous.” The Arbiter shrugged.

“Jealous of what?” SMC snorted.

“She feels threatened by you.” The Arbiter explained.

“Why? She has all her parts. I have a freaking power tool where my eye should be, and I don’t have hair. I should be jealous of her, she doesn’t look like a cancer patient.” SMC said.

“I think it started with the popularity of your syndicate sidearm.” The Arbiter said.

“The Vaykor Marelok? Well yea, of course the Grineer breakaway syndicate is going to get the Grineer pistol... Although I do think we’re top of the class on that. No offense. I hear good things about your akbolto.” SMC said.

“The Synoid Gammacor is the real winner.” The Arbiter added, “But that’s not it.”

“Well what is it then? Is it something I can apologize to her for?” SMC asked.

“Not unless you change your syndicate’s favored frames.” The Arbiter said.

“What’s that got to do with anything?” SMC asked.

“Its just that Steel Meridian is notorious around the vesper hubs for drawing the most... Talent. Steel Meridian gets a lot of free advertising. Its the favorite faction for... Ladies men.” The Arbiter said.

“What the hell do you mean?” SMC asked.

“Your syndicate favors the hottest femme frames and the horndogs on the vesper stations like to hang out in front of your door and watch the girls come and go.” The Arbiter explained.

“That doesn’t make any sense though! Even if I did consciously pick my syndicate’s favored frames on sex appeal, I don’t have a monopoly! New Loka has Mag, Nyx, Trinity, Valkyr, and Zephyr!” SMC said.

“Yes, but you have Mesa, Nova, Ember and Saryn.” The Arbiter said.

“So, what makes them so much different from the New Loka girls?” SMC asked.

“Do you really have to ask?” The Arbiter asked.

“Ok fine. I guess I do. Will you please tell me why New Loka is jealous of my syndicate frames?” SMC asked.

“I... Shouldn’t have to tell you this.” The Arbiter hesitated.

“Look, I’m a really busy lady. I’m a freedom fighter. I don’t exactly stare at every girl that walks into my office, I just give them badges and mareloks and thank them for saving innocent colonists.” SMC said.

“I think if you were a guy you’d know.” The Arbiter said.

“Well that New Loka thot isn’t a guy and she knows, so maybe I’m just missing something because I’m a clone.” SMC said.

“My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.” The Arbiter replied.

“Really?” SMC asked.

She got up to leave.

“Really.” The Arbiter replied.

“Thanks for your time.” SMC said, not wanting to believe what he had said.

On her way out of the food court, she stopped at the ladies room. A Saryn and an Ember were preening themselves in the mirror.

“Do you think my new prime frame makes my ! look fat?” The Ember asked.

“It looks good, black is thinning.” The Saryn reassured her.

Holy queens it is real. SMC thought to herself.

---

 

WHAT GIRLS REALLY WANT... FLAMING BAGS OF POOP.

 

Elsewhere in the food court, A Perrin Sequence broker sat down to eat with Cephalon Suda Facet #0110. He observed silently as the floating artificial intelligence levitated and dropped itself into a boat of chili fries, slowly crushing them into a spicy, unappetizing potato paste.

“Is that how you eat?” The broker asked.

“Negative. I am breaking the food matter down for chemical samples. It is not dissimilar to the organic process of digestion.” 0110 replied.

“Oh.” The broker said, taking a bite of his own Corpus cuisine, Neptunian seafood that was best left undescribed.

“Observation. You are displaying emotive and gestural cues of being distraught.” 0110 said, bouncing in its fry boat.

“I don’t think you’d understand, you’re a... computer.” The broker shrugged.

“Mission Statement: I seek to understand.” 0110 replied.

“Its a girl.” The broker sighed.

“There are currently three hundred and forty seven females of breeding age upon this relay at the moment. Update. A liset registered to a female tenno pilot has just docked. Three hundred and forty eight.” 0110 said.

“Yea well I really like one.” The broker said.

“Query. Which one?” 0110 asked, smashing itself into the fry boat.

“She’s... Ok, don’t turn around, but she’s sitting right behind you, three tables away.” The broker whispered.

“Exposition. Turning around is redundant. My ocular inputs cover a complete three hundred and sixty degree field of vision. There are seventeen females directly behind me.” 0110 said.

“The Red Veil girl.” The broker clarified.

“Query. How are you sure it is her? She is attired in her syndicate uniform.” 0110 asked.

“I can tell. She’s cute, the way she walks... Oh, she’s just an angel in red and black.” The broker whispered.

“Observation. You are obsessed.” 0110 replied.

“Shut up.” The broker hissed.

“Observation. Subject is Red Veil Agent #32/Orcus. Identity scans confirm. Augury scans in station atmosphere confirm she is releasing pheromones at a heightened rate. Suggest peak ovulation period.” 0110 said.

“You can tell all that?” The broker asked.

“Conclusion. Subject is in state most likely to be romantically receptive. You should initiate courtship ritual.” 0110 added.

“I dunno... I’m probably not her type. I mean those Red Veil jerks are all kind of crazy, they burn stuff and hang out with tenno... She’s probably into really high testosterone He-men and stuff, I bet she has a Rhino for a boyfriend or something.” The broker made his excuse.

“Observation. Females of human species often select mates based solely on ability to provide for young. Instinctive directive. She might like a career man.” 0110 said.

“You really think so?” The broker asked.

“Conclusion. You miss one hundred percent of the shots you do not take. Ancient human anecdote. Don’t be such a b*tch. Ancient human anecdote. Go talk to her. Ancient human anecdote.” 0110 said.

“Cut it out, will you?” The broker glared.

“Observation. After peak ovulation, menstruation will initiate. She will be non-receptive to romantic overtures for a seven day cycle. You should make your move.” 0110 added.

“Fine. I’ll do it.” The shy broker said, and he picked up his tray and left the table.

 

0110 waited.

 

“Facet #0110 reporting to Master Consciousness. Foodsample.exe complete, uploading data. Initiating Observation/Opportunity/Troll/courtship.exe.”

 

The broker sat down opposite the Red Veil agent.

“This seat taken?” The broker asked.

“Oh.. Go ahead.” The Red Veil agent replied. “What were you doing over there sitting with that computer?”

The broker remembered that Red Veil and Cephalon Suda did not get along. “Oh, well... I don’t really like computers, so I moved.”

“Me neither.” The Red Veil agent nodded.

 

“Emoticon. ThumbsUp.jpg.” 0110 said.

 

“What was that?” The Red Veil agent asked.

“I have no idea. Honestly, that thing kind of creeps me out.” The broker continued to milk the syndicate hate.

“Hey, is that Neptunian hyper-tuna soup? I really like hyper-tuna. Can I have some?” The Red Veil agent asked.

“Sure. You know they make it really good here. Almost as good as grandma’s back home... But you know, can’t beat the family.” The broker said. “Why don’t you order it yourself if you like it so much?”

“I can’t read the menu. Its in Corpus script.” The Red Veil agent shrugged.

“I could order it for you whenever you liked.” The broker said eagerly.

“That’d be great.” The Red Veil agent responded enthusiastically.

 

“Statement. Go for the kill. Ancient human anecdote.” 0110 broadcasted across the food court.

 

“Is that thing glitched or something?” The Red Veil agent asked.

“Ok you know what? This is getting weird. The truth is, I’m really shy, and you’re in Red Veil, and Red Veil is kind of weird, and I didn’t think you’d like guys like me, and I told the robot I had a crush on you and he started data mining the station AI and telling me all these weird details about you from your file, so I came over here to ask you out before the creepy computer thing made me look like a huge stalker.” The broker said, all in one breath.

“Stalker? I love that guy!” The Red Veil agent clapped her hands. “Oh... But that other thing...”

“Yea I’m really sorry, I know its kind of weird. I’ll go sit somewhere else.” The broker shifted his weight to get up.

“No, not that. Sit back down. I mean, how could you tell me apart from all the other Red Veil agents in my Deadpool costume?” She asked.

“I’ve kind of had a schoolboy crush on you for a while.” The broker admitted.

“You know, you’re kind of cute in that shy, skinny kid kind of way.” The Red Veil agent teased.

“Really?” The broker perked up.

“Tell you what. You do this little errand for me, and we’ll go on a date, get some hyper-tuna soup.” The Red Veil agent said coyly.

“Anything.” The shy broker leaned forward in his chair.

The Red Veil agent reached under the table and pulled out a brown bag and a disposable lighter.

“Put this on Cephalon Suda’s doorstep, light it, and ring the doorbell and run. Then meet me back here at seven for dinner, ok?” The Red Veil agent giggled.

“Really?” The shy broker asked.

“Really. We’ll get hyper-tuna. I’ll buy.” She nodded.

“But they don’t even have feet. they just float. How does that prank even work on them?” The broker asked.

“Look, its a Red Veil thing. The Fire Consumes All. Its the thought that counts, just go with it.” She said.

“I’ll do it.” The broker took the bag.

 

He looked back at Facet #0110, still smashing itself into the fry boat, now half-covered in chili and smashed potato chunks. “I just hope its that one that answers the door.” He said.

 

 

---

 

TROLL VEIL

“I’d like to thank you for taking the time to meet with me today, I know as a tenno you have a busy schedule full of shooting people to attend to.” The Red Veil Cell Leader said.

“Right.” The Loki nodded.

“First of all, I can tell you that as a Loki, Red Veil is an ideal syndicate for you, as we do offer syndicate mods that are intended for your frame.” Red Veil Cell Leader added.

“Well, Arbiters offer those mods as well, so I’m trying to figure out between your syndicate and theirs, who I should sell my allegiance to.” The Loki explained.

“Well to be honest, The Fartbiters of Buttsexis are an objectively more attractive syndicate. They give out energy restores, survival keys, and the telos akbolto is a whole lot better than the...” He trailed off.

“Rakta Ballistica.” The loki finished for him.

“Yea whatever our thing is. Honestly, the best perk the Veil has is that we’re friendly with Steel Meridian, so you can go next door and get a Vaykor Marelok. That’s what I did.” The cell leader explained.

“So... You’re not going to try to convince me to join your syndicate at all?” The loki asked.

“Look, I like you. You’re a loki... I’m predisposed to liking you for that reason alone. Its just that the Arbit-jerks will take anyone, and we’re a more exclusive club. We want all our operatives to feel like they belong, so we’re more discriminating in our recruitment. We’re like one big happy family.” The cell leader explained.

“That starts fires.” The loki added.

“Yes, that is an important detail.” The cell leader nodded. “We have a personality test we give all our aspirants, perhaps you would like to take it, just for laughs?”

“What about the Arbiters, do they have any kind of initiation rite?” Loki asked.

“Besides asking you for nano spores? No, not really. Come on, it’ll be fun.” Cell leader offered.

“Well I’ve got time to kill.” Loki shrugged.

“Okay, question one: Your syndicate sponsors ask you specifically not to shoot someone. How do you respond?” Cell leader asked.

“I don’t know how I would respond to that. I’m not sure I understand the question, there is someone who would tell me who I could or couldn’t shoot?” The loki asked.

“Good answer. And if you were in Red Veil, you’d never be asked that question, because we’re pretty cool with you shooting everybody. We’re totally anti-establishment.” Cell leader explained.

“Oh. That could have led to an existential crisis.” Loki looked relieved.

“I understand your concern. Question two: What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word, ‘Anarchy?’” Cell leader asked.

“Fun.” Loki answered.

“Not if you’re an Arbiter of Being Boring.” Cell leader sneered. “Good answer. Question three: What’s the first thing you think of when I say, ‘playing with matches?’” Cell leader asked.

“Sexual excitement.” Loki answered.

“Kinky. That about covers our personality assessment. I would like to offer you membership in the Red Veil syndicate. For a small stipend of alloy plate, we’ll give you a free insignia, matching cufflinks, and this engraved zippo lighter for starting fires.” Cell leader said.

“I feel pretty good about this decision.” Loki said, “But I do have one final question, Mr... What should I call you?”

“Redpool. Call me Redpool.” The cell leader Redpool said.

“I do have one last question, Redpool.” Loki insisted.

“I’m all ears.” Redpool shrugged.

“Is it true, that here on Orcus Relay, Red Veil is infamous for being total $&*^s and leaving flaming bags of kubrow sh*t everywhere as a prank?” Loki asked.

“Sir, I assure you that those are vicious lies and slander spread by our enemies on this relay station to assassinate the character of this very serious organization.” Redpool said.

“So it isn’t true?” Loki looked dejected and disappointed.

Redpool looked at the enclosure with the captured infested beasts behind the shatterproof class. “Of course its not true... Its not always kubrow sh*t.”

 

 

DIRTY WORK

 

“Reddy, I need a favor.” SMC told the Red Veil cell leader.

“Really?” Redpool asked with a bemused whisper. “Need something burned down? Someone burned alive? Mischievous propaganda leaks, sedition, anarchy, cats and dogs living together?”

“No... I’m starting to think this was a bad idea. Just a harmless prank. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I’ve already got enough problems fighting a one-woman-war against the whole damn Grineer Empire.” SMC shook her head.

“How about the Classic then?” Redpool asked.

“The Classic? Is that when you light a flaming bag of kubrow poop on someone’s porch and then ring the doorbell and run?” SMC asked suspiciously.

“I see you’re a fan of our great works.” Redpool nodded.

“That’s... Kind of juvenile.” SMC shrugged.

“Ah, so you’re a connoisseur then. Well I relish the challenge. How about the New Classic?” Redpool asked.

“Go on.” SMC said.

“First, we take a brown bag and a lighter, and then we-” Redpool started.

“Stop. Stop right there. Its just a bag of poop again, isn’t it?” SMC asked.

“Yes, but its infested poop. Its painting with a completely different media, like oils vs watercolors.” Redpool explained.

“I was kind of wondering how you guys found enough kubrow crap to keep doing this with them not being allowed on the station, and now I’m just really disappointed that I know how you do it. That question didn’t need to be answered.” SMC grumbled.

“How about we toilet paper their house?” Redpool asked.

“How are you guys a real syndicate?” SMC asked.

“The toilet paper was used to pick up the kubrow poop for the sacks.” Redpool added.

“That’s just gross and unsanitary.” SMC gagged.

“Not really. We set it on fire. Fire burns it away.” Redpool said.

“That’s not a prank, that’s arson.” SMC said.

“I don’t understand the difference.” Redpool shrugged.

“Ok, how about I tell you what I had in mind.” SMC suggested.

“A collaboration? Interesting. Let’s hear your plan.” Redpool nodded.

 

He listened intently, nodding.

 

“This is very unorthodox and does not involve fire, but I think it can work.” Redpool said.

“So will you help me do it?” SMC asked.

“Yes. But you will owe us a favor in return, and you must pay it forward.” Redpool growled in a sinister tone.

“Like what?” SMC asked.

“You must sing with us.” Redpool demanded.

“...What?” SMC was very confused.

“One of your old Grineer marching songs, from the Marine Corps.” Redpool clarified.

“Ah come on, I hated that sh*t. Don’t ask me for that... Can’t I just kill someone for you or something?” SMC begged.

“I can accept no other payment.” Redpool said.

“Fine. Are these rooms soundproof?” SMC asked.

“No one will ever know.” Redpool lied through his mask.

“You’re a $&*^.” SMC muttered.

“Commander, lead us in song.” Redpool gestured, and the assembled Red Veil agents all leaned in close.

 

Steel Meridian Commander sighed, shrugged, and then sucked in her breath.

 

“Her name is Noel...” She mumbled.

“Can’t hear you.” Redpool said.

“HER NAME IS NOEL.” SMC belted out. “I HAVE A DREAM ABOUT HER.”

“Much better.” Redpool nodded.

“SHE RINGS MY BELL, GOT GYM CLASS IN HALF AN HOUR.” SMC sang through gritted teeth.

“Come on, the whole verse.” Redpool said.

“OH HOW SHE ROCKS, IN KEDS AND TUBE SOCKS, BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHO I AM... AND SHE DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME...” SMC sang.

 

CAUSE I’M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG, BABY.

 

YEA, I’M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG, BAY-BEE.

 

LISTEN TO IRON MAIDEN, BAY-BEEE WITH MEEEE

 

---

 

DON’T CALL US, WE’LL CALL YOU

“We are very pleased you could meet with us.” The arbiter nodded.

 

“Yea, right. Can you skip the sales pitch...” Loki started.

 

“As you know, Arbiters of Hexis offers ideal choices for a loki like yourself-” The arbiter continued.

 

“No, I mean seriously. Drop the sales pitch. I’m just shopping around, and I was just at Red Veil, and they hand out loki mods too, so skip the kid stuff, please.” Loki said, slightly annoyed.

 

“What on Pluto would compel you to even entertain the idea of joining that pack of miscreants and jackals?” The arbiter asked.

 

“Well, the loki mods, naturally.” Loki said.

 

“We have those too.” The arbiter replied.

 

“Yea I know, hence that’s how I narrowed it down between RV and Arbiters. What else do you have to offer?” Loki asked.

 

“Well our t4 key program and our restore blueprint are both significantly stronger, and we do have a syndicate mod for a prime weapon... I think that’s far more compelling than whatever chump mastery bait weapons Red Veil would like to give you.” The arbiter explained.

 

“Right, go on.” Loki nodded.

 

“Have you seen the telos akbolto? Its a significant improvement over the standard akbolto in crit, status, and damage, and comes complete with our signature truth effect. I should also add that its significantly far superior to the rakta ballistica.” The arbiter continued.

 

“Yea, that’s pretty good... Tell me about truth.” Loki asked.

 

“Its a very fine proc. It restores HP and deals a radial burst of gas damage with a guaranteed status effect.” The arbiter said.

 

“Wait... HP and gas?” The loki asked.

 

“Yes, its excellent. And the status is automatic.” The arbiter nodded.

 

“But gas status is just a toxin dot.” Loki said. “Its just an AOE toxin dot.”

 

“Well, you can see the potential in that, it blows up, it stacks toxin dots, it creates a sort of two-stage blast of damage.” The arbiter replied.

 

“Yea... I guess that would be cool in 2011 when I was grinding infested on xini... Gas is kind of... eh.” Loki said.

 

“Well, it still blows out infested.” The arbiter said.

 

“Nobody grinds infested anymore. If I sign up for a syndicate I’m going straight to Pluto to shoot corpus.” Loki shrugged.

 

“There’s still the bump to HP though.” The arbiter said.

 

“But I’m loki. What do I need with HP? I don’t have any of it to start with, and nobody is ever going to see me. I cast invisible.

The end. Couldn’t you guys have gone with energy? That would be appealing.”

 

“Well what does Red Veil do that’s so impressive?” The arbiter asked, defensively.

 

“Honestly, viral pop with energy regen is pretty great.” Loki nodded.

 

“Viral? But gas is more raw damage, it pops and then pops a dot!” The arbiter replied.

 

“Yea but viral just blows half of everything, right off the top. That’s way more attractive at late game when enemies have larger HP pools and damage mitigation, so the gain in viral is exponential.” Loki explained.

 

“Well, if our syndicate weapons aren’t your thing, we’re friends with Cephalon Suda and you can go over there and pick up a Synoid Gammacor. That’s a prince of a weapon.” The arbiter said.

 

“That’s true, but with Red Veil I get Steel Meridian’s Vaykor Marelok, so that’s a wash. I mean that’s kind of a crappy point to argue anyway.” Loki shrugged.

 

“How do you mean?” The arbiter asked.

 

“Sorry our toys suck, as an apology, we’ll invite you over to the cool kid’s house to play with his toys...” Loki said. “I mean, at that point, don’t I just skip the middle man and make friends with the cool kid?”

 

“But you’d end up getting us either way because we’re both friends with the cool kid. Its a moot point to argue. We’d be in the same schoolyard clique, so to speak.” The arbiter noted.

 

“Right, so you understand my dilemma. It basically comes down to quality of life, I mean, what are the Arbiters of Hexis really about? I mean its pretty obvious the biggest guns are in Steel Meridian and Suda, but Irradiating Disarm is in RV and arbiters, so if I have to pick my team based on the runner-up perks, I might as well pick the one I actually get along with.” Loki nodded.

 

“Well, the Arbiters are a very strict, very serious organization that seek to elevate the tenno above what our ancient masters originally intended for us. We seek to explore our potential, we can be more than just warriors.” The arbiter explained.

 

“Well I’m already an invisible teleporting cyborg space ninja with more guns and knives than a Budd K catalog, so what exactly do you mean by exploring potential?” Loki asked.

 

“I mean being something greater than what you already are.” The arbiter said.

 

“More than a highly trained invisible murder machine with a stealth ship and a flying wing suit that I can Superman around in space with?” Loki asked.

 

“I think you’re focusing on the tools of the trade and not the profession itself. Guns and swords are just objects. What can you be, besides a space ninja?” The arbiter asked.

 

“How about a prankster?” Loki asked.

 

“Don’t you think that’s aiming a little low? What about a philosopher, or a poet, or an artist?” The arbiter asked.

 

“I’m a loki. Trolling is my art.” Loki said passionately.

 

“Well, when you want to be something greater than loki, the arbiters will show you the way.” The arbiter said.

 

“Ok, that’s interesting... But how?” Loki asked.

 

“Through meditation, through observance of our dogma, through-” The arbiter started.

 

“Wait. Wait. Slow down.” Loki said.

 

“Huh? What?” The arbiter asked.

 

“Through rhetoric. That was your answer. You talk this big game about how tenno can be better than what we came from, and how we should throw off the chains of our long dead Orokin masters, but you say the way to that paradise is by... joining your twelve step program? You’re just the same deal with a different name. I mean, aren’t you just trading one master for another? What about wiping the slate clean, no gods, no managers?” Loki asked.

 

“But that’s complete anarchy.” The arbiter replied.

 

“Well yea, granted, but doesn’t tabula rasa imply limitless potential? Doesn’t that kind of make you and Red Veil exactly the same? I mean, if the guys who were limiting our potential are all dead, aren’t we already free? If we erase all our preconceptions and start from scratch, isn’t that the most undiluted, most fundamental purity?” Loki asked.

 

“No, that’s just crazy. You have to come from somewhere. You can’t just have nothing, nothing begets nothing.” The arbiter replied.

 

“But the thing you hate the most as an arbiter is what you came from.” Loki pointed out.

 

“Well I admit there might be flaws in our dogma, but that’s part of the pursuit of perfection. You have to learn and adjust as you go, that’s what unlocking potential is. I mean, what is Red Veil going to offer you, flaming bags of kubrow sh*t?” The arbiter asked.

 

“Is that a thing they actually do?” Loki asked, lying through his teeth.

 

“Yes, they make all their initiates light kubrow poop sacks on the porches of the other syndicate halls.” The arbiter explained. “Childish, isn’t it?”

 

“It certainly is.” Loki said deadpan. “I think I need to think about this. Thank you for your time.”

 

“Of course.” The arbiter bowed, and showed loki out. “I think I finally got to him.”

As the door closed behind him, loki hit his Q key, brought up his inventory, and pulled out the sack of kubrow poop.

“What a bunch of pedantic pseudo-intellectuals.” Loki scoffed. “I don’t have to light sacks of crap on fire... I get to light sacks of crap on fire.”

 

He placed the poop bag down on the Arbiter doorstep, lit the top of the sack, and then turned invisible.

 

---

 

GRINEER STRONK

 

The video feed in the relay suddenly cut off, and all the screensavers on the dynamic banners and station monitors that were usually full of flowery tenno script dropped, only to be replaced by the grimacing face of Councillor Vay Hek.

 

SMC was sitting in the food court.

 

“Oh queens, just kill me now.” She grumbled as she pulled her hood over her head and buried her face in her arms.

 

“TENNO! YOUR TIME HAS COME! AGAIN! THIS WEEK! I WAS BUSY! SORRY ABOUT THAT THING EARLIER, THAT WAS STEVE’S FAULT, HE’S NEW. IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING FROM A SCHEDULING CONFLICT!” Hek growled, taking three whole minutes to chew up and spit out the words.

 

“He’s the most long-winded, boring, intense-” SMC mumbled into her arms.

 

“WHERE WAS I? OH RIGHT. AHEM. DOOM! THE TIME OF THE TENNO IS AT AN END, AND ALSO IT WAS LAST MONTH TOO, BUT YOU GOT THE ARCHWINGS ANYWAY! THIS TIME THOUGH, YOU WILL KNOW THE MIGHT OF THE GRINEER EMPIRE, YOU CANNOT STAND IN THE WAY OF DESTINY!” Hek droned on.

“I’ll throw your Lotus into the sun.” SMC said. She looked up, tenno were looking at her.

 

“I’LL THROW YOUR PRECIOUS LOTUS INTO THE SUN!” Hek shouted.

 

“Oh come on! Really? You actually said that?” SMC gasped. “That’s what you’re going with?”

 

“THE GRINEER EMPIRE WILL REIGN SUPREME OVER THE UNIVERSE, WE’LL DESTROY ALL WHO STAND AGAINST US! GRINEER UBER ALLES! EVEN MY BEDSHEETS ARE NICER THAN YOURS, THEY HAVE A REALLY HIGH THREAD COUNT. I CAN’T ACTUALLY FEEL HOW COMFY THAT IS BECAUSE I’M SOME KIND OF ROBOT TALKING HEAD, BUT I’M BETTER THAN YOU!” Hek droned on.

 

“Oh for f*ck’s sake, will somebody please kill that guy?” SMC shouted across the food court.

 

“FRIENDLY REMINDER, YOU HAVE TWENTY FOUR HOURS BEFORE I BLOW UP... WHICH RELAY IS IT? SEDNA? THE GRINEER WILL SMASH SEDNA INTO A TINY PLANETOID SO SMALL IT WOULD BARELY EVEN QUALIFY AS A-” Hek yammered on.

 

“Sedna already is a planetoid, you senile old jackass.” SMC rolled her eyes.

 

“SOMETHING SMALL! LIKE THE TENNO! YOU’RE INSECTS! INSEEEECCCTSS!” Hek growled.

 

“How the hell did he even get on this channel?” SMC asked no one in particular.

 

“Hey didn’t that guy used to be your boss?” A random tenno pointed at the screen.

 

“Technically no. He’s a politician, not a military commander. That doesn’t stop most of those wackjobs though.” SMC shrugged.

 

“So is he always like that or is he just acting for the camera?” Another tenno asked.

 

“No, that’s half the reason I deserted. He’s just like that all the time. He has no indoor voice and he won’t shut up and everything Grineer is great and everything tenno sucks and blah blah blah. It drives you crazy. He’s in all the propaganda videos, he probably has his own brand of laundry detergent or something by now. Honestly, how come you guys have never killed him? Isn’t that your thing?” SMC asked.

 

“Honestly we think he’s kind of funny.” The tenno shrugged. “I mean yea, we did beat the hell out of his original body but he somehow survived and is now in some kind of weird robot suit in seclusion somewhere on Earth, but mostly he’s just an angry old man with a robot nose.”

 

“Funny? He’s a completely corrupt egomaniac politician with a murder boner for the Lotus. He’s ordered more political assassinations than anyone in the origin system, he might be the biggest war criminal in human history.” SMC explained.

 

“Yea... I can’t take him seriously when he talks like that. Its too goofy. Its like he’s the bad guy on a saturday morning cartoon.” Random tenno said.

 

“I don’t even know why I get out of bed anymore.” SMC grumbled.

 

“I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I’M GESTURING WITH MY LITTLE HOOK HAND THINGS, BUT I’VE COMPLETELY LOST CONTROL OF THEM. SOMEONE SEND A TECHNICIAN!” Hek shouted.

 

SMC looked up. The screen was blank.

 

“WE’RE STILL BROADCASTING AUDIO FEED? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT BUTTON ONLY CUTS THE VIDEO?” Hek asked.

 

“Do you see what I’m up against? I have to organize an entire guerrilla campaign against a tyrant that no one can take seriously because he acts like a low-budget Dr. Robotnik. No wonder New Loka thinks I run a joke syndicate that recruits around a booty fetish.” SMC sighed.

 

“Booty fetish?” The random tenno asked.

 

“Girls with big butts.” SMC rolled her eyes.

 

“But Grineer chicks don’t have big butts.” The random tenno looked confused.

 

“What does this have to do with Grineer women?” SMC asked.

 

“...You really don’t know, do you?” The random tenno asked.

 

SMC realized what was going on. “No. Come on. You are not about to tell me that tenno join Steel Meridian because they have a clone girl fetish.”

 

“Alright, then I won’t tell you.” The tenno shrugged. “Can I ask you one question, though?”

 

“What?” SMC asked, disturbed and annoyed.

 

“What are you doing tonight?” The random tenno asked.

“This is the worst solar system in the worst galaxy ever.” SMC grumbled and facepalmed herself.

 

---

 

NEMESIS

“So I’m a little confused as to why you would want to join our august organization.” The arbiter asked.

“You hate Red Veil, right? That’s my reason.” The completely normal human replied.

“As much as I would love to recruit everyone who hated Red Veil, that is not part of our protocol. If it was, half the population of this relay would be Arbiters of Hexis. We wouldn’t be a syndicate, we’d be an autonomous government.” The arbiter replied.

“Well, that’s all I’ve really got.” The human shrugged.

“Cephalon Suda hates Red Veil as well. You could talk to them.” The arbiter replied.

“They’re a bunch of AIs. They don’t really appreciate what I have to do, they don’t eat or drink or sleep or go to the bathroom or breathe. I don’t really think they get it.” The human replied.

“Well, don’t take offense to this, but I don’t think the arbiters get you either, sir. I mean, we’re an organization that focuses on expanding the potential of the tenno, and breaking out of the molds made for us by our Orokin masters. You’re just a typical human, you don’t have a warframe, and you’re not even wearing one of the weird latex gimp suits that everyone in the galaxy seems to be totally into lately. Frankly sir, I don’t really get why you’re even here. We’re kind of by-tenno-for-tenno, and you’re not tenno.” The arbiter said.

“That’s fine, but I can assure you, around here I have powers against Red Veil that are far more significant than the bullet or blade of any tenno.” The human scoffed.

“Really?” The arbiter asked. “You’re just a normal guy in a normal outfit. You’re not even that guy in the hangar with the boltor. At least he has a boltor. What’s your deal?”

“Listen, you need to wise up here, kiddo. I’m not the one who needs help here, you are. You want someone that’s an enemy of Red Veil or not?” The human asked.

“I would prefer tenno that are enemies of Red Veil.” The arbiter replied.

“Why, so you all can stand around waiting for that void trader guy, looking cool in the plaza, trading wacky space gun parts back and forth and pretending to care about stuff?” The human asked. “Tenno don’t do anything if they’re not shooting someone. None of you have real jobs.”

“I think maintaining the balance of the galaxy is a real job, sir. And I also think you should watch your tone. You are in the company of tenno.” The arbiter growled.

“I ain’t scared of tenno. Tenno can’t do what I do everyday. Tenno won’t do what I do everyday. They’d quit if they tried. So let me rephrase myself here. I didn’t come in here today because I want to join you. I want you to join me. You’re the one being interviewed here.” The human replied.

“Sir, you are trying my patience, and as a tenno who has spent a lot of time crawling around in air ducts and sneaking around space ships killing people, I can assure you that my patience is monumental, and the consequences of exasperating it are quite severe.” The arbiter threatened.

“Alright, fine. You doubt my power? You think you’re so sneaky? Lock the door. I’ll leave right now, with this place closed up tight. I’ll get out of here in a way you tenno couldn’t comprehend.” The human scoffed.

“This I would like to see.” And the arbiter keyed in a code on his digital interface, locking the syndicate headquarters down. “Go ahead and show yourself out, then.”

The normal looking human smiled smugly, produced a station ID card, swiped it through the arbiter’s digital interface, and unlocked the door.

“There’s no way you could have that kind of clearance.” The arbiter gasped.

The human picked up the arbiter’s wastebasket, stood up, and began walking to the door. As he reached the main portal, he turned around and said, “I’m the Head of Janitorial Services on Orcus Relay, and I’m getting really tired of cleaning up burning bags of kubrow sh*t. Are you with me or not?”

The arbiter leapt up from his seat, ran in front of the janitor to stop him, and hit the manual controls that shut the door of the syndicate headquarters.

“Sir, I have misjudged you and I beg your forgiveness. I was wrong to doubt you, and you do have powers no tenno could comprehend.” The arbiter said. “I would like very much for you to join our organization.”

“That’s more like it. What do I have to do to join your club?” The janitor asked.

“Well, for a tenno, we require 10,000 credits and a pile of nano spores for our coffers.” The arbiter said. “But you are not a tenno.”

“Right.” The janitor nodded.

The arbiter went back to his desk, pulled a telos akbolto out of the drawer, a Truth sigil, the keys to the syndicate liset and the parking placard for the VIP dock, an envelope of petty cash, and a handful of Arbiters of Hexis stationery, ballpoint pens, and an engraved flask, and dumped them all on the desk.

“Normally we require our aspirants to prove their loyalty and have certain formal ceremonies for this kind of thing, but since you’re not a tenno those rules technically don’t apply. I award you the title of Maxim and the privileges and duties that rank provides.”

 

---

 

I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE

“I can’t believe I’m following through with this.” The Perrin Sequence broker whispered under his breath as he hid behind a potted plant in front of the Cephalon Suda HQ door. “If my mother saw me now... Who am I kidding? She’d be ecstatic. She’d flip her helmet just to know I actually talked to a girl.”

 

Someone tapped the broker on the shoulder. He nearly shat his pants.

“Hey buddy, you’re in my spot.” A Red Veil agent was behind him.

“Your spot? Your spot is a hiding place behind a ficus?” Broker asked.

“Hey I had dibs on it. Wait, what are you doing with this anyway? This looks like an official Red Veil Clandestine Reprisal Antagonist Positioning sack.” The RV agent pointed.

“Its a brown bag of dog poop.” The broker replied.

“Yea, that’s what I said.” The RV agent replied. “That’s serious Red Veil tech right there, its a C.R.A.P. sack.”

“...You’re not serious.” The broker said. “No, you are serious. That’s worse.”

“Don’t play games with me, toaster head. How did you get your hands on this device?” The RV agent asked.

“You’re asking me how I got a bag of kubrow poop.” The broker said.

“That’s right, don’t dance around the question.” The RV agent replied.

“I’m not dancing around the question, I’m having an existential crisis. I’m a grown man on a space station trying to pull off a junior high prank hiding behind a potted plant, and another man in a black and red gimp suit is asking me where I found a bag of dog sh*t. This is not where I thought I’d be at thirty.” The broker realized.

“Look buddy, this is a very sensitive operation, it should not be trusted to a bunch of corpus narcs, you get me? Who did you steal the bag from?” The RV agent asked.

“I didn’t steal it. I wanted to impress a girl, she told me she’d go out with me if I did this errand for her...” The broker started.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and my job is to sneak around under the tables at the food court and tie people’s shoelaces together.” The Red Veil agent said.

“No, I mean it... I mean- Wait, that was you last week? You son of a b*tch!” The broker swore. “I mean, the girl. She’s in Red Veil. So yea, of course it would impress her.”

“How could you tell her apart from all the other Red Veil girls in her Deadpool costume?” The RV agent asked.

“Look I just knew, ok? She’s special. Also, I was sitting next to a cephalon in the foodcourt and he datamined her station identity profile while I was checking her out. It was totally cyber stalking, it really weirded me out, so I knew I had to ask her out before things got really out of hand, because the f*cking cephalon would have done something creepy and-” The broker started spitting out words.

“Alright, alright. Calm down Romeo, I believe you.” The RV agent said.

“You do?” Broker asked.

“Of course. Nobody could make up a sob story like that. Now here’s a pointer. See that elevator over there? When it opens, the security camera automatically oscillates to pan over the door to see who’s coming and going. It stays in that position for a couple seconds after the door closes, and there’s a blind spot right on Suda’s porch. That’s when you go. Wait for someone to get on the elevator, and when the doors close behind them, make your drop.” The RV agent explained.

“Why do you know all that?” Broker asked.

“Because this is my spot. And hey... Do me a favor, while you’re up there, make it a double bagger.” He said, producing his own C.R.A.P. sack.

“Oh for f*ck’s sake.” The broker replied. “Fine.”

He waited for the elevator. Then, when the security camera oscillated into the blind spot to cover the elevator doors, he scurried out from behind the plant, dumped both poop bags in front of the Cephalon door, fumbled with the lighter, ignited them, then began to take off running. He nearly tripped and fell over his own robe when he realized he forgot to ring the doorbell, flailed like a girl, rang the doorbell, then ran like hell again.

“Not bad, buddy.” The RV agent said when he got back behind the plant.

“Really?” Broker asked, panting.

“No, it was terrible. But you weren’t seen, and you did it. Good luck on your date.” The RV agent said.

“Wait- Do you know her?” Broker asked.

“Do you know her?” RV retorted.

“I know she’s #32. From the creepy robot datamining.” Broker explained.

“#32? Really? Wow, you’re a lucky guy.” The RV agent replied.

“Come on man, I lit your sh*t bag for you.” The broker said.

“Her favorite color is blue, she likes Neptunian seafood and white roses, she was varsity volleyball in high school, and she’s a total nerd for that show about the extractor miners... What’s it called? Oh yea, Rubedo Rush.” The RV agent replied.

“Wait... How do you know all that about her, if you’re all supposedly anonymous secret agents in black and red gimp suits?” Broker asked.

“Hey, good question, champ. You’re pretty sharp for a toaster head, that’s probably why she’s into you.” The RV agent chuckled. “Anyway, its about time we got going. Flee the scene of the crime and such...”

“You son of a b*tch!” The broker jumped up and followed him.

The Red Veil agent stopped at the door of RV headquarters, turned around and looked the broker up and down. He keyed the door open with the tap of a button.

“Answer me, you jerk!” Broker called after him.

“I’m her brother.” The Red Veil agent laughed, and shut the door in the broker’s face.

 

Attention- Orcus Relay is now too effing huge for one post, and will continue on page 8.

Edited January 30, 2015 by Doozy84

[Nagasadri]

Haha...i wan't to go there to see that now.

DE should add mini-quests with "stop the red veil from putting another flaming bag of kubrow sh*t in front of a syndicate room" as an objective.

[JaysInc]

"Because in most relay stations, we all behave ourselves because the place is full of trigger-happy space ninjas that would cut us all into chunky soup if we didn’t get along."

I lol'd

[Sixty5]

Red veil are lucky that I can't use my Supra in the Relays, otherwise they'd be gone.

I still have a grudge against them for making me play rescue missions (with only a crappy syandana for a reward)

On another note, I often hang out in the Pluto relay, less casuls there.

[WarframeStigma]

yey

[DellSalami]

Woohoo for Doozy.

[TheVerdict]

Wait, how come the Red Veil never mentioned to me about dropping flamings bags of kubrow sh*t on the Arbiter's doorstep? That's something I would enjoy more than grinding 40+ minutes for a prime part that will never come.

[DellSalami]

Wait, how come the Red Veil never mentioned to me about dropping flamings bags of kubrow sh*t on the Arbiter's doorstep? That's something I would enjoy more than grinding 40+ minutes for a prime part that will never come.

 

Arbiters would totally send all their corrupted lancers after you on your next mission.

 

-5: Filth

[Doozy84]

Arbiters would totally send all their corrupted lancers after you on your next mission.

 

-5: Filth

"Those bastards! They did it again!"

"What should we do, boss?"

"First, get online and order me a new pair of shoes. Then, send a hit squad of slow moving, cowardly, cover-seeking mobs with an inferior weapon that has dodgeable projectiles to chase down and inconvenience whoever did this, preferably while they're already in an exterminate mission and won't mind."

[DellSalami]

"Those bastards! They did it again!"

"What should we do, boss?"

"First, get online and order me a new pair of shoes. Then, send a hit squad of slow moving, cowardly, cover-seeking mobs with an inferior weapon that has dodgeable projectiles to chase down and inconvenience whoever did this, preferably while they're already in an exterminate mission and won't mind."

"But not before sending him a transmission about honor that makes us seem way too prideful."

Edited December 24, 2014 by Shamalamadingdongwa

[Domesticon]

Red veil are lucky that I can't use my Supra in the Relays, otherwise they'd be gone.

I still have a grudge against them for making me play rescue missions (with only a crappy syandana for a reward)

On another note, I often hang out in the Pluto relay, less casuls there.

I find your lack of faith in the Beetle Syandana disturbing...

[WarframeStigma]

I find your lack of faith in the Beetle Syandana disturbing...

whats a beetle syandana to an infested tail?

[Kethus]

Hah, the arbiter didn't tell SMC how many tenno were actually checking her out. This clone degradation thing seems to go easy on females. While the gents look old the ladies are like teens. And here is one who doesn't try to kill you. Did she really not notice?

[Imaru]

I hope this is just the beginning of a long line of "out of hub" syndicate stuffs Doozy. (I'd call it out of frame but that doesn't really apply)

I like how meta it gets at times.

[Doozy84]

I hope this is just the beginning of a long line of "out of hub" syndicate stuffs Doozy. (I'd call it out of frame but that doesn't really apply)

I like how meta it gets at times.

its only 12 pages long right now.

 

only.

[DellSalami]

its only 12 pages long right now.

 

only.

 

Doozy, we stay at your leisure, our liege.

[AFKrey]

Lord Doozy graces us with the truth about hubs. Praise the potato!

 

But in all seriousness your work always manages to get a chuckle or two out of me.

[Phoenix86]

 

On her way out of the food court, she stopped at the ladies room. A Saryn and an Ember were preening themselves in the mirror.

“Do you think my new prime frame makes my ! look fat?” The Ember asked.

“It looks good, black is thinning.” The Saryn reassured her.

Holy queens it is real. SMC thought to herself.

 

Feel free to photoshop it with a bathroom-like background ;)

 

[WarframeStigma]

Feel free to photoshop it with a bathroom-like background ;)

 

you know, i would, but im on my crappy laptop right now, and it doesnt properly register my laptop, so it feels a bit laggy......god i need a new laptop

[Doozy84]

last update for christmas, then its going onto a schedule. Also, someone tell me which animation set that is, I need it because reasons.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Doozy84

[Phoenix86]

last update for christmas, then its going onto a schedule. Also, someone tell me which animation set that is, I need it because reasons.

 

Ember noble animation set, she acts like that ONLY IF wielding dual pistols (as you can see from the screenshot)

[Clemency42]

That was hilarous even though these stories are biased against the Arbiters more than FOX news at everything else! Also, I might have read the Facet's voice in a geth tone...

[Doozy84]

That was hilarous even though these stories are biased against the Arbiters more than FOX news at everything else! Also, I might have read the Facet's voice in a geth tone...

Funny, that's just what an arbiter would say...

Don't worry, you'll get yours.

[DellSalami]

Funny, that's just what an arbiter would say...

Don't worry, you'll get yours.

 

I want arby's revenge.

[Kalenath]

Good thing Nikis isn't in your universe Doozy.

 

Hit HIM with one of those bags and people would die. Lots.

 

He walked into the Red Veil HQ in my own story and put their fire out so he had their attention.

Edited December 25, 2014 by Kalenath