Its hard for it to make sense and will take some for it to ever do. Its important to find something you enjoy, both with your free time and with your job, it will help with how life feels. Freedom is a bit subjective, at one point you are free to do many things and on the other point there are expectations you are required to do (which varies depending on where you live).
Though i can recommend to seek help from others, as standing with it yourself is a immense task. Someone to talk to about it, allow yourself to release your feelings and get it sorted. A psychiatrist or a psychologist maybe.