Reinstalled the game, retried the update 7 times... gonna miss the alerts and waste time for god knows how long. Never had this issue before, #*!%ing thanks DE. Changed the compatibility and privilege settings. At this point I have no way of believing that the issue is on my end.
OK so it is an issue in nordic regions. The second I turned on my VPN and connected to italy the game updated and launched properly. My actual location is Copenhagen.