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Out Of Frame: The Everyday Lives Of The Tenno


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OUT OF FRAME

The completely normal and daily lives of the Tenno.

 

When you log off, and the Tenno go home, they're just like you and me. They date, they go grocery shopping, and they hang out in their underwear and watch netflix all weekend, just like normal people. Except they're cryogenically frozen space ninjas.

These are the unedited and unscripted, and unendorsed by the developers non-canon everyday lives of the Tenno. This is Out of Frame.

Our first adventure has the Tenno meeting up for the first time on their day off...
 

MAG: Are you seriously going to be wearing that when the boys come over?


EMBER: Yea. What’s wrong with it?


MAG: You’re wearing a wolfmother tshirt and daisy dukes.


EMBER: Wolfmother kicks &#!. What’s the problem?


MAG: Look... Remember when we got this apartment together, and you promised me it wasn’t going to be like college? I think I inferred that at some point that might have meant you actually wearing real clothes when we had guests over.


EMBER: This is me wearing real clothes. Its either this or a sports bra and yoga pants, and you know I always go commando in yoga pants.

MAG: Okay fine. I just don’t want to look trampy the first time we see the boys out of their warframes, you know?


EMBER: You can worry about looking trampy. I look hot.

MAG: Oh, really good one there Ember. Cracking jokes about heat? Yea, that doesn’t get old every time you top damage meters on an infested mission. Quick! Here comes the pizza boy! Hit World on Fire!


EMBER: I don’t want to set the world on fire. I just want to put a little flame in your heart.

MAG: Damn it.


EMBER: What the hell crawled up your mod slot and polarized anyways, girl?


MAG: Okay fine, I’ll admit it. I kind of have a crush on Excalibur and I want to impress him. By not looking like white trash.

EMBER: ‘Cal? Really? He’s such a toolbox!


MAG: We have really good synergy together! We can one-shot low level bosses!

EMBER: Maggie, hello! It’s Bullet Attractor! It has really good synergy with my Lato, that doesn’t mean you can date my sidearm.


MAG: Okay and he’s kind of hot.


EMBER: You’ve been checking him out on missions, haven’t you! Oh Mags, this is too good, I always thought you were too professional for this kind of thing!


MAG: Well I try to be.

EMBER: Honestly hun, I don’t think he looks as good as Ash.


MAG: We’ve never seen any of their faces!


EMBER: I see the part I like.


MAG: Which is the- Oh god, nevermind.


EMBER: If he plays his cards right he’ll get to touch my orokin reactor.


MAG: You’re so horrible!


EMBER: Oh, you can have a Tenno crush but I can’t? Come on Mag.


MAG: Look, just try not to be yourself when they get here okay? Can you do that for me?


EMBER: I’ll do you one better, I’ll be your wingman.


MAG: I don’t think there’s any chance that will end in anything but a flaming disaster.


EMBER: Flaming disaster is my modus operandi, honey.


MAG: You never quit with those cheap ones do you?


EMBER: Oh yea right, like you don’t have any? I know what I’m going to do. When ‘Cal gets here I’m gonna ask him if he thinks you’re attractive.


MAG: I will crush you if you do that.


EMBER: There’s another one!


MAG: Just be nice, okay? How do I look?


EMBER: You look fine, god. You’re so skinny. It’s like you don’t even have to try. Hopefully ‘Cal will be into that whole ‘hot librarian’ fetish with you in those glasses.


MAG: Are you saying I should put in contacts?


EMBER: I’m saying don’t worry about it. The boys are going to like you. Almost as much as they’re going to like me, I’m the hot one.


MAG: I don’t even know why I do this with you.


EMBER: Because you’re the shy nerdy girl and I’m the smokin’ hot redhead that pulls you out of your comfort zone and introduces you to cute guys?


MAG: Do you promise to behave yourself around ‘Cal?


EMBER: I can be bribed. If we go in for pizza you’re covering me.


MAG: Oh come on, you have your own money.


EMBER: I just put 50k down on a new Lex! That’s the price of my cooperation. Pizza. And we also need another bottle of Sriracha Rooster sauce if you go to the grocery store this weekend. That too.


MAG: What the hell Ember, do you drink that stuff?


EMBER: It goes on everything. The end.


MAG: If I do this for you, you’ll let things go well with ‘Cal?


EMBER: Honey, I will lock you in the bedroom with him and not let you out until I hear you screaming his name.


MAG: Okay, see this is exactly the kind of thing I’m paying you not to do.


EMBER: Whatever. Oh hey, the intercom is beeping, someone is at the door.


MAG: Is it the boys?!


EMBER: Calm down, its just... Well I don’t know who they are without their frames. Two more skinny tall chicks, like you. One of them is kind of pale and Snow-Whitey.


MAG: That’s Saryn.


EMBER: How do you know?


MAG: She’s the one that does all the sickness and poison stuff? Why wouldn’t she be the pale one?


EMBER: Right. Better let them in.


TRINITY: It’s so nice to see you all!


SARYN: Hello. You have a lovely apartment. Very clean.


MAG: Well, I got used to cleaning up after Ember in college...


EMBER: Ah shut up-Trin, Wednesday Addams, get over here. We’re having a strategy meeting before the boys get here. Where’s Nyx?


SARYN: “Wednesday Addams?”


TRINITY: She means you, dear.


MAG: Ember is a little abrasive but she means well.


EMBER: Alright listen up- Maggie here has the hots for Excalibur.


MAG: Ember, please don’t.


SARYN: Excalibur? Really?


EMBER: I know, Ash is the hot one.


TRINITY: I like Rhino. He’s a team player.


SARYN: Frost is the most attractive.


EMBER: Ew. Wednesday. Come on, he wears freaking Hammer Pants for crying out loud.


SARYN: Your name is Ember and you’re crushing on a guy named Ash? How is that any less corny than Frost’s frame?


TRINITY: She does have a point, love.


MAG: Ladies, please...


EMBER: Shut up Mags. This is for you, not about you. Well, actually, I guess it is about you. All everyone needs to know is that Mag is a little shy, so if you’re talking to ‘Cal, just give him a nudge in the right direction.

TRINITY: That’s so adorable, it’s like we’re one happy family!


EMBER: Do you live with her?


SARYN: Our attitudes kind of balance out. She’s the sunny one, I’m the gloomy one.


MAG: That is kind of cute, Ember and I are kind of like that...


EMBER: Right, I’m fun and you’re a killjoy. Now, I’m not saying we’re trying to get ‘Cal to hook up with Mag or anything...


MAG: THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT HAPPENING ON A FIRST DATE.


EMBER: But it would be hilarious.


TRINITY: So what does everyone do for fun?


MAG: I like jigsaw puzzles.


EMBER: I set people on fire for fun. my job is “professional sex machine.”


MAG: That’s not really appropriate.


EMBER: Oh come on! I work out like crazy. I’m the only one here who has abs through her warframe, and I’m damn proud of it.


SARYN: You’re armor 10. We can see practically all of you through your warframe. It’s more like an asbestos-lined cat suit.


EMBER: All the more reason to make sure I look good. What about you, Wednesday, what do you do for fun?


SARYN: I watch all those late night forensic science shows. Also I do roller derby. Hell on Wheels.


MAG: Isn’t that the goth team that all wear corsets and fishnets?


SARYN: Yes. I’m the Wicked Witch.


EMBER: No surprise there. What about you Trin?


TRINITY: Oh, you know, this and that. I just like being around friends.


SARYN: Tell them.


MAG: Huh?


SARYN: Come on, tell them.


TRINITY: I’m a former social worker and I’m completely addicted to daytime television. It’s like I can’t look away. Every time one of those paternity test result shows comes on I have to see the trailer trash dance when they find out they aren’t the father.


EMBER: Holy crap that’s even weirder than Snow White’s Catwoman roller hockey team.


SARYN: Roller derby. Its roller derby.


EMBER: Whatever.


SARYN: You should try it. Its a great workout and its fantastic for expressing violent urges.


MAG: It’s alright Trin, we all have our vices. I’m addicted to caffeine.


EMBER: Not me, I’m pretty much perfect.


SARYN: A nymphomaniac, a pyromaniac, and a narcissist. Charming.


EMBER: You’re welcome. Would anyone like a beer?


MAG: Yea... We should probably start early.


EMBER: Hey wait, where’s Nyx?


TRINITY: Didn’t she tell you? Her and Volt are an item. They’re going to that Italian place down the street for dinner tonight.


EMBER: The swanky one?


SARYN: The upscale one, yes.


MAG: Well, good for her. I wonder where the boys are at?






MEANWHILE, THE MALE TENNO ARE ON THE WAY TO THE APARTMENT IN RHINO’S TRUCK.


RHINO: Yo, did any of you guys call Volt?


EXCALIBUR: He’s taking Nyx out to dinner tonight, neither of them are gonna show. Did you call the new guy?


RHINO: You mean that fuckin goon with the trampoline and the pokeball grenades? Nah, screw that jerk. He’s all buggy and weird.


EXCALIBUR: Well come on, he’s new. His abilities are still kind of wonky.


ASH: You mean Vauban? Yea, nice guy. Biggest pain in the &#! to go on a mission with ever. If you want to call him you can deal with that.


RHINO: Yea buddy. Give me a pound.


EXCALIBUR: Watch the road.


RHINO: Don’t worry about it speedy, this baby will eat that prius in front of us.


EXCALIBUR: Yea, I noticed. It’s the biggest bro-truck I’ve ever seen.


RHINO: Hey, big man, big truck. Ain’t that right Frosty?


FROST: You can’t talk crap on a man’s vehicle, ‘Cal.


RHINO: Thank you. Give me a pound.


FROST: Even though you’ll never be able to park this thing anywhere near the girls’ place. Did you really have to get the crew cab and the full bed? I mean I like trucks as much as any guy but come on, Rhino. How the hell do you even pull this thing into the gas station?


RHINO: Yo, you let me worry about that, alright?


EXCALIBUR: Seriously though, watch the road.


RHINO: I just hope these girls are hot. I put on my good tshirt and got a new haircut and everything. If they’ve got heineken and Jaeger I’m gonna tear that place up.


EXCALIBUR: You look like a freaking gorilla in sunglasses painted orange.


RHINO: That’s okay Cal, we’ll get you in the gym and get you swole and make a guido out of you yet, then you’ll be crushing it with the ladies, just like the Rhino.


EXCALIBUR: Are you really sure its a good idea to date our co workers? What would Lotus say?


RHINO: Lotus sounds kinda hot. If she wants to come down to my place and tell me what to do, we can work that out. Right fellas?


FROST: Who else would you date?


EXCALIBUR: I dunno.


ASH: No, seriously- we’re cryogenically frozen space ninjas. Everyone else in the galaxy is either fungus, a degenerate clone, or has a bucket on their head. The chick Tenno are like the only eligible bachelorettes for a dozen parsecs in any direction.


RHINO: Hey I think some of them Grineer babes is kinda hot, if you can get over the whole Terminator thing. I could get freaky with a girl with robot legs. That Kela De Thaym chick wasn’t bad, you know, for a grineer.


FROST: Dude, you shot Kela. In the face. With a Bronco.


RHINO: Yea it was the job. I’m just sayin, you know. Some of those grineer girls, under the spare parts, there might be something goin on under there.


ASH: You know they’re all clones right? If you met one, you’ve met all of them.


RHINO: Great, I don’t gotta remember all kinds of different names and S#&$ then, right? I can date em all at once and take em all to the same restaurant. Its like mackin’ twins, except there’s like, 10,000 of em, you know?


ASH: Well I hope for your sake they’re all into Jersey guido beach trash.


RHINO: Hey, they will be when they see the Rhino. Ain’t no chick alive ever stared down these guns and not gone weak in the knees.


EXCALIBUR: Watch the road. Wait, did you seriously just flex while driving?


RHINO: Hell yea I flex all the time when I see a girl on the street and I’m passin’ by. I got it down to a science, yo. Do you even lift?


FROST: You have to give him credit, he is pretty good at driving. With how big this truck is and how much his attention strays away from the road, its pretty impressive that he hasn’t killed anyone yet.


RHINO: Yo, thanks Frosty. You’re my boy. Gimme a pound.


ASH: WATCH THE ROAD.


RHINO: Man what are all you goombas scared of? This truck is invincible. Like me.


EXCALIBUR: I don’t want to have to explain why we were late to our first out-of-the-office meetup with our coworkers because your truck ate a handful of civics on the way to the apartment.


FROST: He’s got a point, Rhino.


RHINO: Eh, you kids worry too much.


ASH: So Volt and Nyx ain’t showing because they’re already going for it. What about you Cal, you gonna get with Mag?


EXCALIBUR: What? I hadn’t thought about it.


FROST: Oh come on, captain synergy, mr radial javelin. You spend more time with that chick than you do breathing. You can’t honestly say you haven’t thought about getting on that.


ASH: Yea, seriously.


EXCALIBUR: Oh gimme a break. Like you guys don’t have angles on any of the girls?


RHINO: Yo, my angle is any girl who wants to ride the Rhino. I’m DTF.


ASH: If you can get laid looking like that, you deserve it, Vinny.


RHINO: Who’s Vinny?


ASH: Just shut up and drive.


RHINO: Alright, what about you Ashy? You got the hots for any of these babes?


ASH: Hell, I’ve never even seen half of them. I’m always in a smoke bomb. Its a wonder I haven’t accidentally shot half of you guys yet, I can’t see a damn thing when I’m smoking, much less check out the scenery.


RHINO: What are you, gay?


ASH: No I’m serious. It’s crazy. You’ve never seen me just swinging wildly while I’m engulfed in the cloud?


FROST: I thought that was because you did more damage while smoked.


ASH: I do? Hell, I don’t know. I just go with it.


RHINO: What about you Frosty, you picked one out yet?


FROST: I dunno man, I don’t think any of them are gonna be my type. I’m kind of into that whole Dita Von Teese and Bettie Page thing. I bet all these Tenno girls are gonna be like tennis players or something. It ain’t my speed.


RHINO: Heh, whateva. More for the Rhino. Alright Cal, I’ll be generous, just cause I’m a nice guy. You can have Mag, and I’ll take the other three girls, these goombas don’t know what they’re talkin about.


EXCALIBUR: What about Banshee? Is she not coming?


RHINO: What. you got a thing for her?


EXCALIBUR: No, I just don’t think she picked up when anyone called her. Nobody said she would or wouldn’t be there.

 

ASH: She probably had Silence on and didn’t hear her phone.

FROST: Yea, that’s just like her.

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Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, Banshee and Loki are coming back from a mission to find that the gang has been missing them... Well, one of them. Nobody misses Loki. For very good reasons.
 

BANSHEE: Dammit! 3 missed calls and 4 text messages. How do I miss this stuff?

LOKI: Did you have it on silent?


BANSHEE: No. Everybody always thinks I do that, but its not true. Its like yea, Banshee, sound gags! I get it. Ha ha.


LOKI: Is it on airplane mode?


BANSHEE: Why would it be on airplane mode?


LOKI: Because every time we go on a mission, I sneak into the locker room and set everyone’s phones to airplane mode, just to see who notices.


BANSHEE: Dammit, it is on airplane mode! Why the hell would you do that?


LOKI: Because I’m Loki.


BANSHEE: Well did anyone call you?


LOKI: No.


BANSHEE: Because you’re Loki?


LOKI: Yes.


BANSHEE: Seriously, why do you crap like this? Do you have any idea how much of my social life I’ve missed because you’ve been messing with my phone? Wait... How did you know the password?


LOKI: I didn’t. You know that switch teleport thing I always do to piss people off, and it seems totally random? Its not. I’m rummaging through your purse. I always go for it while the browser is still up before it reverts back to the splash screen. Haven’t had to learn a password yet.


BANSHEE: What is wrong with you?


LOKI: I want attention.


BANSHEE: You do this kind of crap all the time, don’t you?


LOKI: My shrink told me I have a behavioral problem. I told him I wouldn’t be paying for the last 2 months of therapy because I wasn’t there, I just sent my decoy.


BANSHEE: Why would you make those appointments and then not show up?


LOKI: To mess with him.


BANSHEE: Stupid question. Okay, seriously, nobody called you?


LOKI: They never do.


BANSHEE: Why?


LOKI: The pranks.


BANSHEE: What did you do?


LOKI: To who, specifically?


BANSHEE: You mean you’ve managed to piss off every tenno in the galaxy and now nobody calls you anymore? You’ve actually accomplished that?


LOKI: It was on my bucket list. Rhino was the easiest. I emptied out his jug of whey powder in the trash, and then replaced it with chocolate milk mix. It took him a month to figure out he was drinking Nesquik instead of protein shakes. He never forgave me.


BANSHEE: Didn’t you do the same thing to Ember?


LOKI: Kind of. I went into her fridge and replaced all the meat with tofu, then I swapped the propane tank on her grill with methane, so not only did she have a freezer full of vegetarian fake meat, but her barbecue smelled like farts for a week. That girl loves to grill. She never forgave me. Also, I refilled her shampoo bottle with barbecue sauce, but that girl is neck deep in burning infested all day, and still don’t think she’s noticed that the Sweet Baby Ray smell is coming from her.


BANSHEE: How did you get Trinity? She’s pretty mellow.


LOKI: Told her that Dumbledore dies in that one Harry Potter book. Nyx was there, she started laughing, so I listed off every Game of Thrones character that dies in every book. She’s still in season 2 on netflix and she hasn’t even seen half the characters whose deaths I’ve already spoiled.


BANSHEE: Really?


LOKI: She totally lost it, it was great. Saryn thought it was pretty funny too, then I got her. Poured out all her laundry detergent and refilled it with bleach, now all her black goth clothes are grey. She told me if she ever caught me alone she’d cast contagion on a fork and stab me with it until I got cancer.


BANSHEE: Jesus Christ.


LOKI: Excalibur was easy, I just unslotted his slash dash. Mag was easier. I unslotted his radial javelin.


BANSHEE: What about Volt?


LOKI: I followed him around for a whole day with a gym bag full of that spray-on truckbed liner you can get at automotive stores, and every time he tried to zap something I’d just run in front of him and paint down an insulating layer of rubber to sap his voltage.


BANSHEE: That’s not even funny.


LOKI: No, that’s hilarious. But what was really great was when I broke into Frost’s apartment and sabotaged his air conditioner.


BANSHEE: Wait... How did you get me?


LOKI: I’ve been doing that airplane trick on your phone for like the last 3 months. Also, every time you’re not looking I turn down the volume on your ipod and your stereo, so that you think you’re losing your hearing.


BANSHEE: THAT WAS YOU THE WHOLE TIME?


LOKI: You’re not going to forgive me for this are you?


BANSHEE: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME? ME, THE TENNO WHO KILLS PEOPLE WITH SOUND? Do you have any idea how important my hearing is to my job?


LOKI: Well, yea. That’s why I thought it was so funny.


BANSHEE: You’re sick Loki. Really sick. What the hell! I had an appointment with an ENT specialist and everything!


LOKI: Yea I got you really good.

BANSHEE: No wonder nobody calls you. I hope the new guy knows what a scumbag you are.

LOKI: Oh he will, I just reloaded his Hek with hot dog wieners this morning. They fit perfectly down the barrel of a shotgun.

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my god, you took noble, majestic Tennos... and turned them into relatable American stereotypes....

 

 

 

 

you sir get a cookie, in fact a cookie for every pun.

EMBER: Noble? Where the hell did anyone ever get this wacky idea that tenno are noble? Just look at me. I’m a freakin’ horror movie. I’m like Killer Clowns from Outer Space or Child’s Play or something. I run around spaceships all day wearing a latex chicken costume, setting white collar corporate goons on fire, and causing massive property damage. I’m not noble, I’m a walking Tim Burton movie.

SARYN: You’re more like Backdraft meets Friday the Thirteenth. I’m the Tim Burton movie.

EMBER: Honey, you’re so Addams Family Values, it hurts.

SARYN: I don’t think this audience is old enough to get all our 80s and 90s movie references.

EMBER: That’s their problem. There’s just one thing they need to know. I am a force of nature. A curvy, sexy, force of nature. I have the biggest fan club of all the tenno- Its called the Red Cross. Wherever I go, they’ll soon follow, because I’m a natural disaster waiting to happen, baby. I’m a streetwalkin’ cheater with a heart full of napalm.

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We rejoin our heroes in Ember and Mag's apartment, where the boys have finally showed up. Also, I'm running out of colors for all these ninjas. Antimatter is going to have to be off-pink or something. Stupid sexy fem tenno.



 

EMBER: Intercom’s beeping. The boys are here.

MAG: Oh my god!

EMBER: Quit being such a teenager.


TRINITY: Do you think they’ll be polite?

SARYN: I should hope so, we’re all highly-trained, professional clandestine space murderers.

EMBER: What?


SARYN: Ninjas.


EMBER: You should have just said that. Oh hey guys, come on in!

RHINO: YO WHAT’S UP I’M THE RHINO, YOU GIRLS LIKE TO PARTY?


SARYN: He’s “The” Rhino? sigh.

TRINITY: Oh behave yourself.

EMBER: Hell yea I like to party.

EXCALIBUR: Are you wearing a Wolfmother tshirt? I love Wolfmother!

EMBER: I borrowed it from Mag, its her favorite band.


MAG: Huh? What? Ow! Ember! Why did you just elbow me in the ribs? I MEAN I LOVE WOLFMOTHER.


EXCALIBUR: White unicorn is my favorite song.


MAG: ...Mine too. Can I get you a beer?


EXCALIBUR: Sure.


MAG: Let me show you to the fridge...


EMBER: YOU OWE ME.


SARYN: Keep your voice down, wingman.


FROST: It’s a pleasure to finally meet you all.


TRINITY: Why thank you, Frost is it?


FROST: It’s the long white hair, isn’t it?


EMBER: Yup.

FROST: And Ember is the redhead and Saryn is the tall dark one... Trinity is...

RHINO: THE A CUP.


ASH: Dude, what the hell?


RHINO: WHAT?

TRINITY: They’re small but they’re fierce!


RHINO: YEA DAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ BOUT. YOU GIRLS GOT HEINEKEN?


SARYN: Do you have an indoor voice?


FROST: He doesn’t.


ASH: Did anyone ever hear from Banshee?


TRINITY: No, dear. The girl has her head in the clouds.


ASH: What about Loki?


EMBER: If I ever see Loki out of frame I’ll rip his shoes off and feed them to him, and if anyone of you invited him I’ll beat you to death with your own shoes too.


TRINITY: Now Ember, we’ve all had our... differences with Loki.


ASH: Just as long as we’re all clear that nobody actually called him.


EMBER: Totally on the same page.


SARYN: Good. Its nice to agree on something.


FROST: Saryn, I can’t help but think I’ve seen you somewhere. I feel like you should be wearing all black.


SARYN: I am wearing all black. Loki tricked me into bleaching my laundry and now I look like everyday I’m Elvira Mistress of the Dark working out in sweats.


EMBER: Hey, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, that’s pretty good, why didn’t I think of that?


FROST: Oh my god, you’re the Wicked Witch.


EMBER: Well, obviously.


FROST: No, I mean on roller derby.


RHINO: FROSTY IS TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH THAT DERBY SHOW ON THE PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL, SOMETHIN’ ABOUT THOSE CHICKS ROLLIN AROUND IN CIRCLES WAILIN’ ON EACH OTHER GET’S HIM GOIN.


SARYN: Are you blushing?


FROST: It's an embarrassing secret.


SARYN: Oh is it...


EMBER: -Cough- Hook up! -cough-


MAG: Ember will you behave yourself?


EMBER: Why are you here? I gave you the perfect set up! You should be pushing Cal up against the fridge and tasting his tonsils!


EXCALIBUR: You said that out loud.


EMBER: I didn’t say I didn’t approve!


ASH: You girls had this all planned out, didn’t you?


RHINO: THEY’RE WOMEN, THEY ALWAYS DO.


SARYN: True.


TRINITY: Guilty.


MAG: I don’t remember being involved in this sordid planning, I’m a classy lady.


EMBER: I know, that’s why I had to do all the ground work for you, bullet attractor.


ASH: Wait, if you were trying to get everyone else to hook up, who were you going for, Ember?


RHINO: OBVIOUS ANSWER. NO GIRL CAN HANDLE THE RHINO, BUT THEY ALL WANT TO TRY.


TRINITY: Oh honey, you’re just a big, spray-tanned teddy bear!


EMBER: To answer your question Ash, who wants to order pizza?


MAG: You didn’t answer his question.

EMBER: Shut up, He’ll find out in 4 or 5 beers anyways.

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ronnie.jpg

 

RHINO: YO THIS IS THE RHINO HERE! DON’T YOU GOOMBAS KNOW WHAT TSHIRT TIME IS? DO YOU EVEN LIFT? COME ON.


RHINO: ALRIGHT, LEMME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU SQUARES. TSHIRT TIME IS WHEN YOU GET A NEW HAIRCUT, PUT YOUR CHAIN AND YOUR WATCH ON, GET A NEW TAN, AND YOU PUT ON YOUR FRESH SNEAKERS AND YOU NEW TSHIRT AND YOU GO TO THE CLUB AND YOU FIND SOME CHICK THAT’S DTF. TSHIRT TIME MEANS YOU GONNA GET LAID, SEE? AIN’T NO GIRL CAN RESIST A GORILLA THIS FRESH AND THIS SWOLE.

RHINO: ALL MY GUIDOS IN THE HOUSE GIMME A POUND.

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Cue the anime tropes? :/

SARYN: I will destroy everything you love and leave it in puddles of quivering toxic sludge, and then I will bathe in it like Elizabeth Bathory, and the liquid, cancerous, spiteful hatred of my deeds will restore my youth and keep me warm at night.

TRINITY: Saryn, what are you talking about?

SARYN: Nothing, dear.

SARYN: Is she gone?

SARYN: I am watching you, Ronin666.

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I just re-read all of these, and realized how much you intend to make this into "Jersey Shore: Tenno Edition"

RHINO: YEA THE RHINO IS GONNA BRING SOME CLASS INTO THIS GAME, NO WHAT I’M SAYIN? GIMME A POUND.

FROST: You have an eccentric definition of class, Rhino.

RHINO: YEA THIS FROM THE GUY WHOSE FRAME HAS HAMMER PANTS. COOOOME ONNN. I’M JUST MESSIN’ WITH YA FROSTY.

FROST: They’re for insulation. Form follows function.

RHINO: FORM FOLLOWS FUNCTION LIKE GIRLS FOLLOW THE RHINO. KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN?

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We should call this, The American life of Tenno!

MAG: I don’t get where this whole idea is coming from that people are surprised we’re American.

EMBER: Yea, look at all the devs. They’re all pasty white guys. Their inspiration for this game probably comes from Wu-Tang Clan and old Bruce Lee movies.

MAG: Well Rebecca is nice.

EMBER: Oh, you’re just kissing &#! because she’s a CM.

TRINITY: Ladies please, its not nice to talk about other girls behind their backs. That’s how the boys win.

EMBER: Yes mother.

MAG: Seriously though, its a bajillion years into the future. We aren’t Japanese. We aren’t American either. We’re like some Blade Runner mix of half-Chinese and half-Mexican mutt people.

EMBER: Which is to say we are American.

MAG: How?

EMBER: Have you ever been to any first world metropolis in Asia? Seoul? Hong Kong? Tokyo? There’s a Mcdonalds or a 711 on every corner. Everybody was American long before the tenno showed up, its cultural imperialism.

MAG: Right, and you’re not a natural redhead, because they died out centuries ago.

EMBER: Nope. Genetic modification. The carpet matches the drapes.

MAG: That’s too much information.

EMBER: I’d invite you to check, but I stay aerodynamic down there.

 

TRINITY: Ladies, that’s quite enough.

ASH: I’ll check.

EMBER: You’ll get your chance.

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Everyone was having a normal conversation, when suddenly, PIZZZZZA IN MYYYYY SIIIIIIIGHTS...

 

 

 

EMBER: Okay, favorite classic blunders.


SARYN: That’s easy. When you’re leading a grineer marine with your bow, and he just walks into the headshot.


MAG: That one never gets old.


EXCALIBUR: Shooting a guy in the &#! a couple of times with a bolto, then watching him run around screaming, and all his friends can’t shoot straight because they’re laughing.


MAG: That’s just kind of juvenile.


EMBER: No, that’s actually really funny.


MAG: Oh come on.


EMBER: Have you done it?


MAG: Of course not, I’m a professional. Trinity, back me up on this.


TRINITY: Of course I would never...


MAG: You did, didn’t you?


TRINITY: Once. Twice. Okay, twelve times.


EXCALIBUR: TWELVE TIMES?


TRINITY: I was having a really bad day and I kind of took it out on some corpus crewmen.


MAG: You were having a “bad day?” Aren’t you a former social worker? Isn’t handling that kind of stuff just tuesday afternoon for you?


TRINITY: Social workers can have bad days.


EMBER: Like what?


TRINITY: You spend all afternoon coordinating public servants trying to serve some Martian white trash deadbeat dad a warrant because he’s dodging child support and you’re constantly on the phone with three people trying to find him, then you turn on the TV in the breakroom and there he is on Marsy Povich, dancing across the stage because a paternity test just proved he’s not the father of some other low income single mother’s bastard child, and you’re so pissed because you should have known that daytime television was the first place you should have looked for human scum like this, so you call back all your runners and tell them to bring it home because the goon is in New Chicago getting a free hotel room from some bottom-feeding cable network, and all you wanted to do was get someone to pay for that poor starving child, and then the A****** from payroll comes into the breakroom and says he forgot to move a decimal point on his excel file and now everyone’s check is gonna be late a week, so not only is some starving dumpster brat crying because she’s got nothing to eat, you are too. That will just about do it. That night I was on Olympus shooting everyone in the &#!. No remorse, even the moas. Everyone was getting boltor enemas.


EMBER: HOLY CRAP TRIN.


EXCALIBUR: Wow.


FROST: I’ve never heard anything so horrible, and I’m roomies with Rhino, so I pretty much hear the worst things humanly imaginable on a daily basis.


SARYN: That’s dark. And I’m the one who wears black all the time.


ASH: Remind me to never piss you off.


RHINO: YO I WAS IN THE KITCHEN GETTIN’ A BEER, WHAT I MISS?


EMBER: Oh hey, look at that. Intercom is buzzing, pizza’s here.


MAG: Good timing, Cal, can you get the door while you’re up?


EXCALIBUR: Sure... Oh. Wow.


PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL (hereafter referred to as PDG): That’ll be 47.35


EXCALIBUR: Uh... Yea.


ASH: Dude, don’t stare at her- Oh S#&$.


EMBER: What’s goin on- Wow this is awkward.


PDG: It’s the legs, I know. Everytime. Its the legs.


RHINO: YO GUYS CHECK IT OUT, THIS PIZZA CHICK IS A GRINEER, AND SHE’S KIND OF CUTE.


FROST: Don’t mind him, he’s not sober.


PDG: Look its not a big deal, its just a job, and yea, I’ve got prosthetic legs.


EMBER: Shouldn’t you be in the Grineer Marine Corps?


PDG: I retired. Got my legs cut off by a space ninja after I dragged him in with a lasso. Was kind of a mistake.


MAG: Don’t they just slap robot parts on you and send you back in?


PDG: Yea I could have been a heavy gunner, but my degenerate clone DNA wasn’t getting any better, and I wasn’t so sure I’d only lose my legs the next time I ran into a tenno, so when my tour ended I was like, “Screw this, I’m gonna go get a day job so I never have to see a space ninja ever again.”


EXCALIBUR: Yea... Ha ha. Good call.


EMBER: The best you could do after a tour in the service was a pizza delivery driver?


PDG: Every grineer clone ever has done a tour in the service. It’s not exactly a huge resume builder. At least I got to keep my new legs.


MAG: Well that’s a plus. But delivering pizzas?


PDG: It was this or stripping.


EMBER: I would have taken stripping.


PDG: You need legs to hook the pole.


EMBER: Oh. Sorry.


PDG: Look guys, its not a big deal. I deal with this every day. I mean I’m a former grineer marine, I’ve been chopped up by knife-wielding cryogenically frozen kung fu psychopaths. I can handle people staring at my robotic gimp legs.


EXCALIBUR: We just feel kind of bad, is all.


PDG: Why? its not like you did it.


MAG: Well, actually- OW, EMBER, WHY DID YOU JAB ME IN THE RIBS AGAIN? oh, right.


PDG: You guys do look kinda familiar. Have I delivered here before?


RHINO: HAH! NO CHICK EVER FORGETS THE RHINO!


PDG: the “rhino?”


FROST: Don’t listen to him, its just a stupid guido nickname.


PDG: He looks big enough to be a tenno... WAIT. OH MY GOD. PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.


MAG: Relax dear, we’re off duty.


PDG: YOU A******S. DO YOU KNOW WHAT PHANTOM PAIN IS? OR PTSD?


TRINITY: Actually, yes. I’m a social worker.


EXCALIBUR: Look, we feel really bad about it.


ASH: How about a 20 dollar tip?


PDG: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?


ASH: 40?


EMBER: Will you calm down? We’re not being paid to murder you right now. We’re off the clock, you’re perfectly fine.


PDG: Right... okay... Just breathe... 47.35.


ASH: Here, just take a hundred, and um...


RHINO: GIMME YOUR NUMBER, YOU’RE KINDA CUTE.


FROST: God dammit, Rhino.


RHINO: WHAT? I TOLD YOU I KINDA HAD A THING FOR GRINEER CHICKS. SHE’S STILL READY TO GO, EVEN WITH THE CHICKEN LEGS.


FROST: Ignore him, he’s drunk. He’s actually a really nice guy when he’s rarely sober.


PDG: I need to go see my shrink.


TRINITY: Is your therapist Dr. Talbot in downtown? Don’t bother with him, he’s a drunk and a cynic. You should come down to the clinic on 22nd and maple, we can recommend you a good psychiatrist.


PDG: can I please just go?


ASH: Yea you know what, that’s a good idea. Here, just take the money and have a nice day, okay?


RHINO: HEY SHE FORGOT THE BREADSTICKS, HEY, COME BACK HERE. CAN I CALL YOU?


EXCALIBUR: God dammit, Rhino.


RHINO: WHAT?


 

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I can think of a warframe parody right now. 50 Shades of Smoke Palette.

SARYN: Ugh. More 50 Shades references. I hate that book. Its not even sexy.

EMBER: Isn’t that the one about the naive virgin with stockholm syndrome that meets the rich weird guy that’s into tied up butt sex or something?

SARYN: Please don’t belittle alternative lifestyles like that. BDSM takes a lot of thought, effort, and care. You can’t just draw up a contract to stuff rubber sex toys up someone’s &#!. Its... Wait, why am I talking about this with you?

EMBER: Why ARE you talking about this with me? I don’t want to know this crap either.

SARYN: Just don’t read 50 Shades, okay? Read Anita Blake instead. Its much kinkier and Laurell K Hamilton writes better foreplay.

EMBER: Isn’t that just the book about the chick who has a kinky man-harem of vampire lovers, and most of the story is really just her hopping from one monster’s bed to another or something? How is that different from Trueblood?

SARYN: The difference is that Sookie Stackhouse is an annoying airhead and Anita Blake shoots people in the face.

EMBER: I like her already!

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MAG: Is he really asleep?


EMBER: Out like a light.


EXCALIBUR: I had no idea someone that big could get that drunk that quick.


ASH: He found the bottle of jaeger in the freezer.

EMBER: What? I was saving that for xini farming!


MAG: You xini farm drunk?


EMBER: You don’t? I just put on world on fire and stumble around like an idiot until wave 10. Then I actually have to try. Dammit, there’s the empty bottle on the floor. I can’t believe he just bulldogged the whole handle.


ASH: Its actually kind of impressive.


EMBER: It would be if he was still standing, and it wasn’t my bottle. Now he’s just a 250lb snoring baby on my couch.


SARYN: Well, without him yelling over everyone, we can finally have a conversation.


EMBER: I’m not drunk enough to want to actually talk to you A******s.


MAG: Ember.


EMBER: I mean I’m just really bummed out he bogarted my booze.


FROST: Well, that does bring up a new problem. Its a little late. How are we getting home?


TRINITY: Rhino was driving?


EXCALIBUR: He offered, and he has a huge truck. It seemed like a good idea, up until we met him in person and realized he was an irresponsible party animal.


FROST: I should have told you. He’s my roommate, I knew all along something like this would happen, it just didn’t occur to me that it would be a problem for everyone else as well.


ASH: Can’t we just throw him in the back and drive his truck home?


FROST: He puts his keys down his shorts to make sure that doesn’t happen. Never lets anyone else drive his truck.


EMBER: You mean in order to get his truck out of here, someone would have to reach down there and handle his block and tackle to get his keys?


ASH: He walks around all day with his keys poking his junk? No wonder he gets drunk and yells at everything.


FROST: Right. So unless you want to “Feel the Rhino.” We have to find another way home. Is it alright if he crashes on your couch?


EMBER: Whatever. I’m not fishing around in his trousers for that. He can rank up his own melee weapon.


SARYN: Trin and I will give you a ride, Frost.


FROST: Don’t you live on the other side of town? its the opposite direction.


SARYN: You can come over to our place. I’ll show you my roller skates.


FROST: I would like that very much.


EMBER: Woah. Wednesday Addams with the power play.


TRINITY: But Saryn, won’t that mean he’ll just be further away from his apartment tonight?


FROST: It’s fine, Trinity. The doors are locked and the lights are out. The apartment won’t mind a long walk home tomorrow morning.


SARYN: Let her figure it out in her own time. Come on, lets go.


TRINITY: It was nice meeting you all!


MAG: See you at xini!


EXCALIBUR: Well, that solves Frost’s problem. How are we gonna get home, Ash?


EMBER: It’s only 10 oclock. You’re taking Mag out to the bar.


MAG: He is?


EXCALIBUR: I am?


MAG: I mean sure, yea. Let’s go.


ASH: Eh, why not? We can always taxi home from there.

EMBER: You’re not going anywhere.

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Cal and Mag are at the bar, when suddenly something's wrong. There's a heavy unit approaching.

 

CAL: So I slash dashed the guy and then-


MAG: oh my god.


CAL: What? its not that big of a deal, I mean I do it all the time. Streamline is a great mod.


MAG: Not that, don’t turn around.


CAL: huh?


MAG: I told you not to turn around! You looked right at her!


PDG: What the F*** is wrong with you people? Leave me alone!


CAL: That’s the grineer pizza girl isn’t it?


MAG: It is.


PDG: Are you guys stalking me or something? Why don’t you go get a life!


MAG: We do have lives! You know that! You delivered pizza to my apartment, its just around the corner!


CAL: Yea, we’re on a date.


MAG: This is a date?


CAL: Did you think it wasn’t?


MAG: Well, I would have dressed nicer...


CAL: You look great.


MAG: Really? That’s sweet of you to say.


PDG: Ahem.


MAG: Oh right. Look, we’re really sorry one of us chopped your legs off and now you have a S#&$ty life. We were just doing our job just like you were doing yours. Its just that sometimes our job is “exterminate all 120 grineer on the ship.”


CAL: And if we kill 20 of those spy drones, we’ll get a free snipetron vandal!

MAG: That’s not really helping. The point is, we’re military brats just like you, we’re just more badass and have every weapon we could ever want and we get 4 revives a day.


CAL: That’s really not helping.


MAG: Yea... I think I’m beginning to understand.


PDG: Cut your legs off and we’ll talk, princess.


MAG: Can we buy you a beer?


PDG: I don’t need your beer. I already have your $60 pity tip. That I turned into beer.


MAG: Look, this is gonna get weird. I live around the corner, I go to this bar, and I order pizza. We’re gonna run into each other. Can we just start over, let bygones be bygones?


PDG: Sigh... If I was a mature adult, I’d have to be a bigger person and take your offer. If I was going to be the bigger woman.


MAG: I appreciate that.


PDG: BUT I CAN’T BE THE BIGGER WOMAN. I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING BELOW THE KNEE. YOU CUT OFF MY LEGS YOU @(*()$ TENNO PSYCHOPATHIC A******S!


CAL: Well, you get to park in the handicapped spot at least, right?


MAG: Yea, its not that bad... I hope.


CAL: Do you like buff guys with lots of muscles? Our friend Rhino thinks you’re kind of cute. What if we got you a date?


PDG: You really are that stupid, aren’t you?


CAL: We’re starter frames! Our playstyle isn’t really that complex.


MAG: Speak for yourself dear, Loki and I are quite sophisticated.


PDG: You know what? Screw it. I’ll let you jerks buy me a beer. I can at least be that grateful.


3 PITCHERS LATER


PDG: hey, hey. HEY. YOu know what? You guysh are alright.


CAL: NO, you’re alright. I think your robot legs are cool. I’m jealous. You’re like robocop. A chick robocop.


MAG: You’re not sober.


PDG: Get off his back! You guysh should date.


MAG: We are on a date.


PDG: He’s kind of cute, you should date him.


MAG: I... You’re right, I should.


CAL: YEa, listen to her. She’s really smart. She’s like a chick robocop.


PDG: I am the law.


CAL: I AM THE LAW!

PDG: No but serioushly, you guysh are alright. I appreshiate that. At leasht you aren’t those weird A******s that go around shooting people in the &#! with boltos. Thoshe Tennosh are $&*^s.


CAL: Haha YEa!


MAG: Ha... Yes. We would never do that.

PDG: That’s why I like you guysh.

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AND THEN SUDDENLY, I ACTUALLY POSTED CONTENT SO THAT WHEN THE 60 PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW THIS THREAD GET NOTIFIED AND CLICK ON IT, THERE'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING TO READ!

Its criminal I know, the fact that I have to do things.
 

SHADE: Hey, Cube.


DETHCUBE: Sup, Shade.


SHADE: So Xini again today?


DC: Yea you know, this goon I follow around all day, he’s trying to hunt down another barrel diffusion. These infested goons keep dropping sentinel mods too, so I’m like, “Yea whatever boss, keep it coming’ no problem with getting more shields here!”


SHADE: That’s cool. What you get up to last night?


DC: Floated around pluto. Shot some people. The usual. How bout you?


SHADE: Made people turn invisible. Hung out. Don’t really shoot much, master’s got this.


DC: Man, that’s boring. Hold on! Incoming wave!


SHADE: Hey, yo see that crewman up there on the catwalk?


DC: Yea!


SHADE: Check this out, me and the boss are gonna sneak up behind him and open up his funny looking helmet like a cereal box and scoop out his brains like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, its gonna be the taste you can see. In his head.


DC: DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA


SHADE: What the hell dude? Did I not just tell you me and the boss were gonna ninja style that guy?


DC: Oh yea sorry, short attention span. THERE’S ANOTHER ONE! DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA


SHADE: Dude will you calm down?


DC: Hey you know what’s cool? elemental mods. Did you see how that dude exploded into ice cubes when I shot him?


SHADE: Yea man, you stole my boss’s kill. Not cool.


DC: I did? Whatever man, I just shoot at the first thing I see. I’m not paying attention.


SHADE: Look, just hold your speed trigger for like a whole second next time, okay?


DC: Alright, alright...


SHADE: Ok, see this dude right here? Watch my boss stick his orthos in his trachea...


DC: DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA


SHADE: WHAT THE F*** DID I TELL YOU?


DC: I held the trigger for a second like you asked! I mean, I do that all the time anyways, the dethmachine rifle has to spin up, so really I just lay on it. I don’t know what you mean by “hold it for one second.”


SHADE: CAN YOU JUST NOT SHOOT PEOPLE FOR A WHOLE SECOND? SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO BE NINJAS.


DC: I don’t understand.


SHADE: You know, ninjas? These guys we follow around all day? They sneak through pipes and do parkour and kill people?


DC: No, I know “ninja.” I don’t understand “Not Shoot People.” Is that like “Shoot People?” Because I get “Shoot People.”


SHADE: it means you see a guy, you don’t shoot him.


DC: You mean I vaporize him, right?


SHADE: No, you don’t.


DC: You lost me.


SHADE: OH LOOK! HOST TRANSFER! LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT DISCONNECTED!


DC: What? NO! I was in the middle of shooting someone-------Disconnect


Wyrm has connected.


SHADE: Oh hey, Wyrm.


WYRM: Oh how’s it going Shade? CROWD DISPERSION!


SHADE: I hate everything.

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all you guys calling Nova a ditz made her sad, and now only Ember can cheer her up.

 

NOVA: Sigh.

EMBER: Oh, sup new girl. What’s got you down?


NOVA: Everybody thinks I dumb, and that I’m some kind of ditz.


EMBER: Really? That’s great!


NOVA: It is? I mean- What? Why would that be a good thing?! I have a PhD in Physics. Do you have any idea how crazy smart you have to be to blow people up with the constituent parts of their being?


EMBER: the constituent what of their huh?


NOVA: Matter. I mean matter.

EMBER: Ah, you mean the tiny little Lego blocks that make up everything!


NOVA: Okay yea, let’s go with that.


EMBER: I like those little orange translucent chainsaws that came with the ice space men. Or the little fires. You can put them in a gun-thingy and make a flamethrower!


NOVA: Okay its a little more complicated than Lego.


EMBER: Not for me it isn’t, I set S#&$ on fire. Works great.


NOVA: Well yea, I’m sure it does, but I have a lot more utility. I actually have to be smart.


EMBER: What a bummer. I just hit buttons and sprint.


NOVA: Charming.


EMBER: So why are you so worried that nobody thinks you’re a brainiac, brainiac?


NOVA: I just want to be appreciated is all, I piled up a lot of student loans as a grad student to get where I am today. I’m not paying off my education in Captain Vor murder for hire contracts just to get labeled as an idiot. I went to Titan Tech! That’s the most prestigious scientific institute in the galaxy, damn it!


EMBER: You haven’t actually thought about this at all, have you?


NOVA: What do you mean? I lie awake at night worrying about it. Its the only thing I CAN think about!


EMBER: Honey, ain’t you ever seen the Little Mermaid?


SARYN: WAIT, I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR THIS.


EMBER: How did you get here, Dracula?


SARYN: Are you gonna do the Ursula song from Little Mermaid?

EMBER: Holy S#&$ how did you know?


SARYN: You have to let me sing it. I love Ursula, she’s like my favorite Disney villain.


EMBER: Whatever.


NOVA: What the hell is going on?


SARYN: The men up there don’t like a lot of blabber! They think a girl who gossips is a bore! Yes on land its much preferred for ladies not to say a word, and after all dear, what is idle prattle for? They’re not all that impressed with conversation, true gentlemen avoid it when they can. But they dote and swoon and fawn on a lady who’s withdrawn, its she who holds her tongue who gets a man!


EMBER: You know that by heart?


SARYN: The whole song. And the Scar one from Lion King. And the Rasputin one from Anastasia.


EMBER: God you’re terrifying.


NOVA: What does that have to do with anything?


EMBER: Honey, you should always act dumb. Its a science, a fine art even.


SARYN: You’re the master, Ember.


EMBER: Shut up Wednesday, the point is, its better to be friendly than smart.


NOVA: But I want to be able to talk to people on the same intellectual plane, and be worthy of respect!


SARYN: Well, I do too, but I’m the only biologist on the team.


NOVA: Biology? Where did you study?


SARYN: Titan Tech.


NOVA: I recognize you, you were the girl that always wore black! What do you do lately?


SARYN: I wear black and kill people by turning them into soylent green with designer super toxins.


EMBER: Ladies, please, can we get back to the point?


NOVA: Which is...


EMBER: Don’t act smart. Especially around boys.


SARYN: That’s ridiculous. Why wouldn’t you want guys to know you’re smart? There are lots of men that think intelligent women are attractive.


EMBER: Honey, there’s nothing to talk about with men. You’re better off just playing dumb.


NOVA: That doesn’t make sense.


EMBER: The only thing guys talk about, no matter how smart they are, or no matter how smart they think you are, is video games and fart jokes. Its a no-win scenario. You’re better off just playing dumb so they don’t actually talk to you at all.


ASH: What’s goin on in here babe? Oh hey, sup new girl.


EMBER: Nothing. Girl talk.


ASH: Whatever, I’ll see you tonight. I’m goin’ over to Frosty’s to play xbox, Rhino got that new basketball game that actually announces the play-by-play in real time, and you can write a whole fantasy roster and we’re gonna name all the players by farting into the microphone so that every time Chick Hearn calls a play the tv makes a fart noise.


EMBER: You don’t think that sounds stupid?


ASH: Well, it will be really funny in a couple beers. Later.


EMBER: HA, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?


SARYN: It’s terrifying when you’re right.


NOVA: I suddenly never want to have children.

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NOVA: So, uh... forgive me for showing up late, but why does everyone here want to see us naked?

EMBER: Because I’m ~hot~


SARYN: You never get tired of that, do you?


EMBER: When it stops being true, I’ll stop saying it, babe.


NOVA: Okay, but seriously.


EMBER: I don’t have a problem with guys checking me out. They’d better check me out. Do you have any idea how many squats I have to do in the gym every week to keep these curves polished? A girl should be proud of her work.


NOVA: Well its nice that you’re fine with it, but what about those of us who value our privacy?


EMBER: Oh god, its like Mag all over. She even has the same color text. I swear, sometimes I wonder why I help her out at all, what’s wrong with a girl wanting to have fun?


SARYN: Its a fetish, dear.


NOVA: Excuse me?


EMBER: What?


SARYN: We’re powerful women. We do parkour and martial arts and espionage. Lots of men like a woman of authority.


EMBER: Nice. I like that answer. Hear that, Fan Art forum? I’m powerful. Respect the hotness.


SARYN: Don’t encourage them, dear. You don’t know what you’re getting into.


NOVA: What? Why?


EMBER: Oh, and you do? Also what she said. Why?


SARYN: I’ve said too much already. Nevermind.


EMBER: Oh no Snow White, you’re not getting out of this one. Spill the beans.


SARYN: It’s kind of a private thing. In my past.


EMBER: You’re a stripper.


SARYN: No!


EMBER: You did porn?


SARYN: Absolutely not. Well, kind of. Close.


NOVA: Are you serious?


EMBER: Now you have to tell us!


SARYN: I certainly do not. Just because you’re fine with everyone else airing out your dirty laundry, doesn’t mean the rest of us are.


NOVA: Well dear, she has a point. If you don’t tell them, they’re going to assume a lot worse.


SARYN: Ok fine. I was a fetish queen.


EMBER: Well we knew that already just looking at you.


SARYN: No, I was a professional fetish queen. I did shows and conventions and went to all the alternate lifestyle clubs. I did bondage parties and stuff.


EMBER: You did fetish porn?


SARYN: its not porn, its lifestyle. I had a pseudonym, wore a lot of rubber and latex and stuff, black makeup and wigs. Modeled handcuffs and ropes. Never did any weird stuff on video or anything like that. What the hell did you think it was?


EMBER: Well...


SARYN: Nevermind. Don’t answer that question. I paid my way through college as an artist’s model. It was tasteful stuff. I was dating this photographer, and we were into some naughty stuff in the bedroom, and one day he said, “You know, you could probably make a lot of money modeling lifestyle stuff.” I had bills to pay, so I went with it. It was fun.


EMBER: Did anyone ever tie you up and do weird stuff to you?


SARYN: Of course not honey, there’s no money in that. I got paid to do it to them.


NOVA: I feel like there’s a whole world of this that I never knew about.


EMBER: And still don’t want to know about.


SARYN: Your loss dear, Ivy Hemlocke made more money getting paid to spank naughty boys than Saryn ever did to kill people with space diseases.


EMBER: Really?


SARYN: What, did you think those black rubber thigh high heels were standard issue on my frame? No, that was a personal touch.


EMBER: So do you do any of that stuff with Frost?


SARYN: Of course not. He’s a gentleman. I’d have to teach him how to be bad first.


NOVA: Oh my.


SARYN: But I probably wouldn’t.


EMBER: What? Why?

SARYN: He couldn’t afford me.

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we interrupt this thread of sordid debauchery to bring a little class and sophistication to you pack of hyenas.

 

NYX: So, what did you do before you became a tenno?


VOLT: I was in theater.


NYX: Really? That explains your fabulous outfit.


VOLT: Oh that? Well yea, kind of. I mean it needs a lot of insulation for all the electrical stuff. I just did a couple cuts here and there, took it in at the waist, added coattails for flair.


NYX: So you were a costumer?


VOLT: No, but I dated one for awhile. At least long enough to learn to sew. You have no idea how crappy those rubber ninja suits actually are. If you actually had it fitted by a real tailor, you wouldn’t need a sprint mod.


NYX: So what did you do then?


VOLT: Isn’t obvious? I was the lighting director.


NYX: You were in charge of all the lights and electrical stuff?


VOLT: Oh yea, its been my passion. Ever since I saw Phantom as a kid. I loved all the sets, the fog on the stage in the catacomb scenes, the candelabras with the little electric bulbs in them... I’m just a romantic at heart I guess. I love ambience. That’s why I brought you here, its one of the only restaurants I actually like. Fluorescent tube lighting is like prostitution, sex without passion.


NYX: That says alot about you.


VOLT: In a good way?


NYX: Yea, let’s go with that, because it’s kind of romantic. Like this place. Are you sure its not to expensive?


VOLT: You’re one to talk. Look at that dress you’re wearing.


NYX: It’s a knock off, I’m too cheap for the designer label.


VOLT: Honey I know, I was in theater. But I was too polite to bring it up. You look ravishing in it.


NYX: Awww... Thanks.


VOLT: I love what you’ve done with your hair.


NYX: You’re just a cheap flatterer.


VOLT: Is it working?


NYX: perfectly.


VOLT: How about you dear, what were you doing before the ninja?


NYX: I was practicing psychiatry.


VOLT: That sounds interesting, studying how the brain works.


NYX: It’s terribly boring actually, that’s why I got into the ninja business. It’s profoundly frustrating to get into people’s heads, explain to them their problems, offer them the path to the solution, and watch them throw it in your face. It’s never-ending, how people are incapable of self-criticism. They all walk into the office and lie on the couch for an hour, then expect you to magic up an answer and a prescription for happy pills that will make all their worries disappear.


VOLT: You must have had a lot of actors for patients.


NYX: No, I got a bit of everything. It was still the same every time though.


VOLT: Sorry, theater joke.


NYX: Are you wearing cufflinks?


VOLT: Do you know men who wear silk shirts without cufflinks?


NYX: I don’t think I know any men who dress as well as you do.


VOLT: Well to be fair, there’s not a lot of competition in our professional circle, but you’re keeping up just fine.


NYX: Oh stop, I bet you’d say the same thing to Saryn. She’s the fashion conscious one.


VOLT: Saryn? Well, she certainly has a look. I haven’t seen her out of frame but I suspect she knows more about sex shop lingerie and adult entertainment than actual fashion.


NYX: That is a very daring accusation to make.


VOLT: Darling, I was in theater. When the curtains go down and the crowd goes home, every manner of perversion is fair game. Saryn is a domme. I’d bet dinner on it. There’s only two kinds of women who wear the kind of boots she does. The kind that dance on poles, and the kind that are into more... discerning sensualities.


NYX: That’s not what we call it in my field.


VOLT: Call it whatever you like dear, its her bedroom and her business. I’m just a lighting director, I set the mood for the romance, not the act itself, I leave that to those more competent in the field.


NYX: Are you inferring you’re incompetent?


VOLT: Not at all darling, I’m hardly a professional, but I haven’t had any complaints yet. Its a virtue to be humble.


NYX: Dressed like that you must be spoiled for choice.


VOLT: I suppose I could be, but I much prefer women of character. I’ve dated enough actresses to know that the ego is a vicious thing.


NYX: You’d much prefer a ninja that kills people for money and spare parts to build guns?


VOLT: Compared to a woman who associates her self-worth with the number on her scale? Absolutely. There’s no pleasing a woman who patronizes the altar of self-worship. Vanity is a cruel and hungry god that is seldom satisfied by any kind of prayer.


NYX: You know an awful lot about psychology for someone who shoots electricity and hangs lights over stages.


VOLT: You know an awful lot about dressing to kill for someone who spends her afternoon critiquing other people.


NYX: Would you like to come back to my place for a nightcap?


VOLT: Do you have dimmer switches and candles?


NYX: If we stop at the Target on the way home to buy one of those shrinkwrapped crates of tea lights, yes.


VOLT: You won’t be offended if I critique your ambience, will you?


NYX: If you won’t be offended if I critique your performance.


VOLT: Darling, I may not be a professional, but for a lady as fine as you, I assure you I am at least a connoisseur...




Volt gets to have Fuchsia text because he's Prince.

prince.jpg

She wore a raspberry beret~

the kind you buy in a secondhand store~

Raspberry beret!
If it was warm she wouldn't wear much more~~

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This thread does that. I always saw Rhino as a somewhat more calm individual but yeah since this thread its nothing but T-shirt time, spray tans and other arguably annoying activities LIKE TALKING IN ALL CAPS. But it is so worth it now, because puns and stereotypes are the best.

 

HATERS ARE MY MOTIVATORS! TSHIRT TIME!

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I've been setting this up for so long...
 

    “Gin and tonic?” Nyx handed Volt the glass.

    “Yes, please.” He took the drink and sipped.

    Nyx sat down on the couch with her own drink, sipped once, and then examined Volt as he walked around the room, taking in her apartment.

    “Does it meet with your exacting standards?” She asked slyly.

    “It certainly has more charm and audacity than I would expect from someone in such a stale and sterile professional field. I especially like the red walls, very intimate, very carnal.” Volt smiled.

    “Red is an aphrodisiac color. A woman is more likely to be attracted to a man wearing red than not.” Nyx sipped her drink.

    “Oh I know dear, that’s why I wore it.” Volt grinned slyly. “You’ve done quite well for yourself. I know stage directors who don’t have your sense of decorum.”

    “You’re just a cheap flatterer!” Nyx laughed.

    “And you have me confined in your cheap flat!” Volt smiled, he finished his drink, and set it down on the little black lacquer coffee table.

    “You’ve had your critique.” Nyx stood up, and wrapped her finger’s in Volt’s tie. “Now its time for mine.

    “Be careful dear, as a tenno I respond to aggression with overwhelming force.” Volt smiled as her fingers slipped between the buttons of his shirt.

    He grabbed her around the waist and shoved her against the wall. The gasp that escaped Nyx’s throat was half surprised, half excited. As his arms entwined her and his hands groped greedily across her hard, slender physique, he put his mouth on her neck.

    “You weren’t bluffing!” She grinned.

    “Tenno never bluff, and thespians only lie professionally.” Volt mumbled into her neck. His left hand found the zipper on the back of her dress and unzipped it, his right hand found the clasp of her bra and did likewise.

    “And I thought you were going to be humble in your affections!” Nyx laughed as she raced him, yanking his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.

    “I don’t hear the lady doth protesting too much.” He breathed into her ear, then pressed his mouth against the soft flesh under her jaw and drew a long, sucking breath of her perfume into his face.

    Nyx’s knees nearly buckled as she felt his tongue on her neck. “How did you know that spot was so sensitive...” She moaned.

    “You smell like lavender and you taste like spring dew on a blade of grass.” He mumbled into her neck.

    “Never stop flattering me.” She commanded, “Wait until you critique the bedroom.”

    “I’m not waiting to critique the bedroom.” His hand ran down her thigh.


AND THEN SUDDENLY, THERE WAS LOKI!

LOKI: WAKKA WAKKA! We interrupt this erotic scene to bring you ONE OF THE SADDEST MOMENTS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD!

ARTAX, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!


 
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EMBER: What is this bullS#&$? How come I don’t get an erotic scene?


ASH: Erotic scene, what are you talking about?


EMBER: You didn’t see that 3 posts ago? Volt and Nyx had a romantic dinner, and then they got all kinds of classy freaky in her sexy apartment!


ASH: Volt and Nyx have been an item since the first post in this thread, that isn’t news. This was a long time coming.


EMBER: That’s a bunch of bullS#&$. How come you’re not saying stuff like “You smell like spring breeze” and trying to put your tongue in my ear and stuff. I want to be in one of those dirty grandma romance novels too!


ASH: You mean like with Fabio on the cover? Nora Roberts and stuff?


EMBER: Yea, that’s totally hot. And trashy. Trashy hot.


ASH: But nothing happened! Everyone got cockblocked by Loki and ambushed with the saddest scene from an 80s kids movie ever! That’s not erotic, that’s just... That’s just sadistic is what that is.


EMBER: Well it doesn’t get you off the hook. You’re on boyfriend duty now, mister. There better be 50 Shades of rose petals or bubble baths or some kind of romantic junk in my future, or you’re going to be charging up your own melee weapon on saturday night.


ASH: Really? I didn’t think you were into that kind of stuff.


EMBER: All women are into that kind of stuff!


ASH: You seduced me wearing daisy dukes and a wolfmother tshirt. It wasn’t like I showed up wearing a tuxedo with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a chocolate lab puppy in the other.


EMBER: Oh yea right, why don’t you just be the first guy in the history of the galaxy to complain about daisy dukes. Set back the progress of all humanity to the time before Dukes of Hazzard. “hey everyone, Ash doesn’t like girls in cutoff jeans! Everyone stop dressing like sexy white trash, the boys don’t want it anymore!”


ASH: I didn’t say that!


EMBER: Well do something to prove it then.


ASH: Like what?


EMBER: I dunno, something that Volt would do?


ASH: He literally told her that she smelled like lavender and tasted like morning dew. That’s actually what he said.


EMBER: That’s so hot.


ASH: Ember, its a @(*()$ laundry detergent commercial. Do you want me to lick your face and tell you that you smell like springtime freshness? That you keep my whites whiter? That my colors don’t run?


EMBER: Maybe you just don’t know how to be romantic.


ASH: What? That’s crap.


EMBER: Is not!


ASH: Last night you had a headache and you didn’t want to do it, so you laid in bed until 2am watching Adventure Time on Netflix, and because I’m such a great boyfriend, I was under the covers the whole time-


EMBER: Okay yea that counts. Keep it PG13 for the kids at home.


ASH: I bet Volt didn’t do that for Nyx.


EMBER: Well can we at least go do something romantic this weekend? Like a fancy place that serves steak and lobster or something?


ASH: Hun, do you even own a little black dress? How are we gonna go anywhere with a dress code?


EMBER: Mag probably has one I can borrow, she’s the professional type.


ASH: Honey, Mag has the body of a sixteen year old boy. Do you think your curves are gonna fit in one of her little size girl scout uniforms?


EMBER: That’s a good point.


ASH: Thank you.


EMBER: So now you have to take me shopping for a dress. That’s romantic. Let’s do that.


ASH: Oh god what have I done.


EMBER: Oh I dunno, you got laid with the most stacked girl on the block? Don’t be such a baby, put in some girlfriend work you lazy bastard.


ASH: I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it! I want to see you in a classy dress!


EMBER: See, was that so hard?


ASH: I just didn’t think you cared about that kind of thing, is all.


EMBER: Well I didn’t, until I got jealous of how much other women were enjoying it.


ASH: Alright, let’s do it tomorrow.


EMBER: That’s a good boyfriend. Want to get a little romantic now?


ASH: Hell no. Not with that A****** Loki around. The minute I start rubbing on your humps that prick will show up with some youtube video of Sean Bean dying or something and totally kill my... Holy S#&$! Roughnecks is on Netflix!*


EMBER: Is that some kind of weird porno?


ASH: Better! It’s the Starship Troopers Cartoon, I am so watching this right now!

EMBER: I FUCKIN LOVED THAT SHOW. I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I SET INFESTED ON FIRE.


*Roughnecks is not actually on Netflix and now you are sad.
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back at the bar, Cal hatches a master plan to get a free plate of hot wings.
 

CAL: Can we ask you a really, really big favor?


PDG: Huh? like whaat?


MAG: You’re still pretty drunk, right?


PDG: I’m fine. Why ish the room spinning?


CAL: We should totally do it.


MAG: I dunno Cal, that song is really offensive to Grineer.


CAL: Come on, she’s cool. And she won’t remember. Besides, we can win the karaoke contest!


MAG: Do you think she can even read the teleprompter?


CAL: I’m gonna find out, I’ll never forgive myself if we don’t do this. It’s too perfect. Besides, the winner gets a free plate of wings.


MAG: Well... the wings here are really good...


CAL: Alright, I’m doing it. HEY PDG, COME WITH US, WE’RE DOING KARAOKE!


PDG: F*** yesh! Let’s do it. I love you guysh!


MAG: Wait, now?


CAL: Yea, come on!


MAG: What’s the song called again? I can’t find it in the thing.

 

CAL: Its C2997. Busted in the Hood by Cypress Hill.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lR5CK-5CftU

 

CAL: Here’s a little story I got to tell about some thugged out tenno I know so well, It started way back when I was just low level, grinding morphics on mercury to build a kestrel.

Had a little braton that could serve my needs, you can spam 1 if you want but my ulti’s for me.

Ridin for my mats, put a forma in my gat, grineer are on my &#!, gotta hack this console stat.

MAG: One-lonely-tenno-I-be

On-mercury-I-got-no-body

Gotta grind those morphics just to get my stash, and a heavy unit’s coming trying to take my cash.


CAL: he said a little something, I wasn’t so impressed.
ho-seeeeeee-garrr Tenno, now you’re under arrest.

The braton’s in my hand, felt like a sack of bricks

Heavy gunner shootin at me now I wish I was Nyx


PDG: MY NAME IS CAPTAIN VOR WITH A LICENSE TO KILL. I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, ITS TIME TO GET REAL. NOW WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, A TENNO AND HIS GEAR?


CAL: he bubbled up and tele’d up and threatened me with tears.

Can’t find me? Right behind you! He said with a grin.

You think the story’s over but its ready to begin.


MAG: One-lonely-tenno-I-be

On-mercury-I-got-no-body

Gotta grind those morphics just to get my stash, and a heavy unit’s coming trying to take my cash.

PDG: NOW I GOT YOUR MORPHICS AND MOST OF YOUR MODS

YOU GOT A COUPLE OPTIONS FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO,

YOU CAN BUY A REVIVE, OR SHOW ME TO YOUR PODS.


CAL:I said I got no pod, he started lookin at me harder

I said I got none, you can suck a boltor!

He hit me with the fist, he hit me with his gat, he put the seeker pistol to my back.

So I think I’m done, Vor’s got my gun, it isn’t lookin good and Lotus says more will come.
A heavy unit shows up and she’s ready to fight, I can hear the $#*(@ screamin’ TENNO IN MY SIGHT!


MAG:One-lonely-tenno-I-be

On-mercury-I-got-no-body

Gotta grind those morphics just to get my stash, and a heavy unit’s coming trying to take my cash.


CAL:Sittin there &!$$ed cuz he didn’t drop mats,

level 30 now carrying noobs with Brats.

Now Vor’s lookin at me like he seen me before, says come out and face me like a true warrior!

I think, yeah yo, I know this goon, he wouldn’t drop morphics for my last toon.

he said your warframe makes you slow and clumsy

I said come on Captain Vor you a bit too sloppy.

Fool tried to stab me, got the orthos to the eye.

Lancers said Flank em out! and let 2 fly.

the lancers said Bravo and I hit the door

headshotted with my latron they don’t move no more.

Vor put his shield up and said “protect your neck”

I said eat an ulti Vor, you don’t get respect.

You wanna come with it any time and place, and I’ll leave your &#! in Tolstoj with a scar on your face.

I put him in the hole and all the bullS#&$ stopped.

when the marines came to back him up, yea they got dropped.

Vor had no shield, then I dropped my load,

slash-dashed him in the face and the morphics flowed.


MAG:One-lonely-tenno-I-be

On-mercury-I-got-no-body

Gotta grind those morphics just to get my stash, and a heavy unit’s coming trying to take my cash.


One-lonely-tenno-I-be

On-mercury-I-got-no-body

Gotta grind those morphics just to get my stash, and a heavy unit’s coming trying to take my cash.

 

 

 

 

If you don't know who Cypress Hill is... That's right, off the island, you miserable 90s babies.

 

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this post is brought to you by INVITE BUGS. Making void runs more difficult since 2013!
 

SARYN: Let’s go out tonight.


FROST: What did you have in mind?


SARYN: I don’t want to get dressed, so why not just one of those casual restaurants by the mall? If we sit at the bar we can order right away and not have to wait for a table.


FROST: The Tier Three Bar and Grill? I’ve heard good things about it. You ready to go?


SARYN: Of course.


FROST: Really?


SARYN: Why wouldn’t I be?


FROST: Nevermind, forget I said it, it would have been crass.


SARYN: You thought I had to get ready because I’m a woman, right?


FROST: If I said yes, would I be in trouble?


SARYN: Not until we got home. If you were my ex.


FROST: Huh?


SARYN: He was a glutton for punishment.


FROST: Not sure I follow you on that.


SARYN: Don’t worry darling, all things in good time.


FROST: okaaaaay. Let’s take my car, I’m parked right in front anyways.


SARYN: Sure.


FROST: Alright, it should be unlocked.


SARYN: It isn’t.


FROST: I hit the button again.


SARYN: Still locked.


FROST: That’s odd... Let me lock it and unlock it again.


SARYN: Not working. Can you just put the roof down and I’ll hop into it?


FROST: eh, its busted. have to take it to the shop.


SARYN: Enough of this nonsense. We’ll take my car.


FROST: Alright.


SARYN: It’s just down the street.


FROST: Wait, that’s your car? The 72 corvette stingray with the two-tone black paint and the red leather interior?


SARYN: Kinky, isn’t it?


FROST: How could you afford a classic like that? It must be hell in maintenance.


SARYN: Oh, she’s a little gold digger, but mommy takes care of her princess. I’ve had her since before I was tenno, bought her when I was in my old job, made more money back then.


FROST: What old job?


SARYN: Same thing really, beating the hell out of people, stepping on them with heels. Like what I do now, but it paid better.


FROST: Okaaay...


SARYN: Well get in, dear.


FROST: My side is locked.


SARYN: I leaned over and unlocked it.


FROST: I saw you do it. Is the door jammed?


SARYN: Shouldn’t be, this thing is totally cherry.


FROST: Roll down the window, I’ll hop in.


SARYN: Over my dead body, your shoes will scratch the paint.


FROST: Well throw me the keys then, I’ll open it from the outside.


SARYN: Worth a try.


FROST: Still can’t get in.


SARYN: What the hell is going on?


FROST: I wish I knew.

SARYN: To hell with this. I give up. I’m ordering a pizza.

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sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows the game.

and they've all brought whips and chains!

you wanna go where subs and doms go, where switches are all the same.

you wanna go where everybody knows that game.

Sung to the tune of Cheers, which is another one over the head of you 90s babies.
 

FROST: I think the pizza’s here.

SARYN: I’ll get it.


PDG: Yea that’s gonna be... Hold on I got the receipt somewhere. Around 15 bucks...


SARYN: Are you alright?


PDG: Oh hey, I recognize you! You’re the tenno. Ha! Small world!


SARYN: Oh. Yes. It’s nice to see you too. I can see you aren’t terribly disturbed by my presence today.


PDG: Oh, I’m way too hung over for that. Besides, you guys are alright. I ran into 2 of you at the bar last night and we won a karaoke contest. Then I blacked out. Then I woke up on someone’s couch. That’s why I’m not wearing those stupid black trousers, had to go straight to work in my board shorts.


SARYN: Very casual.


PDG: Yea it was fun. Sometimes people get really weird because you can see the joint where my prosthetics connect to my stumps, but F*** them, I’m the one who has to live with not having legs.


SARYN: A positive attitude is very important. At least it looks like the cut was very clean, I hope the doctors didn’t have a lot of trouble rigging up your new legs.


PDG: Yea, thanks for small miracles! I’ll see you guys around...


SARYN: Wait.


PDG: Huh?


SARYN: You were a scorpion, right? With the whip?


PDG: Yea they asked me to re-enlist as a heavy gunner because I had combat experience and you need a lot of reconstructive augmentation to handle the gorgon, but I was like “F*** this, I don’t want to get chopped up again. Just give me my military benefits, You can’t pay me enough to get chopped up into clone soup twice.”


SARYN: Do you still have your whip?


PDG: Are you asking me if I stole government property when I concluded my tour of duty? Because that whip was property of the Grineer Marine Corps.


SARYN: So you did.


PDG: I totally kept the whip!


SARYN: Are you still any good with it?


PDG: Yea, but I mostly just use it to snatch beer cans out of the fridge when I’m too lazy to off the couch. You never really lose it, its like riding a bike. You know, if you still have legs.


SARYN: You know, I think I can help you.


PDG: huh?


SARYN: I know some people who would pay a lot for that kind of skill. But you’d have to keep an open mind. You could make enough money to quit this lousy job. No offense.


PDG: None taken. What do you mean by open mind?


SARYN: Let me give you one of my old business cards. You should call me sometime.


PDG: Lady Hemlocke, professional dominatrix?


SARYN: Don’t say that so loud. My boyfriend doesn’t know about it. I haven’t been in the scene in years, but kinky people keep tabs on each other. And other things.


PDG: Thanks I guess... I should probably think about this when I’m more... sober.


SARYN: I will be very disappointed if you don’t call me. You wouldn’t want to disappoint Lady Hemlocke.


PDG: Are you threatening me or flirting with me?


SARYN: I’ll teach you how to do it so its both.


PDG: Well, have a weird day. See ya later.


FROST: Did you just try to help out that poor grineer pizza girl?


SARYN: I do what I can. She’s really just a victim of circumstance, you know.


FROST: That’s so uncharacteristically sensitive of you. You’re normally quite reserved.

SARYN: She struck a sympathetic chord in me.


FROST: I don’t think she needs it, that’s just demeaning. I mean, we did chop her legs off, the last thing she’s going to want is our pity. That’s just like salt in the wound.


SARYN: I chopped her legs off. I realized that when I saw her stumps in her shorts.


FROST: Really?


SARYN: There are two kinds of weapon that cut that clean, that precise. Ether blades and the Glaive, and the cut was uniform, straight across both legs, right under the knee. It wasn’t an ether slash.


FROST: It could have been Mag, she’s a glaive queen like you.


SARYN: There’s burn scars on her stumps congruent with chemical burning, and Mag never aims for the legs, the bullet attractor does all her work. I cut her legs off, it was my glaive throw that ended her career. Contagion probably saved her life. The chemical burn of the venomous acid must have cauterized her wounds so that the medics could get to her before she bled out.


FROST: That weighs heavily on your mind?


SARYN: I ought to do her a favor. I did take her legs. Its one thing to kill a grineer in battle, lord knows we’ve slain hundreds of them, but to make the poor thing live as a cripple for the rest of her days? I took this job to kill people, not torture them. Torture was my old job.


FROST: Pardon me for accusing you of being a hypocrite, but you kill people with manufactured chemical weapons, dear.


SARYN: And its surprisingly humane. I’ve researched it. Believe me, they don’t feel it when they collapse into a puddle of gore. Their nervous system is shot and then they drown in their own liquified flesh as the miasma fills their lungs, I promise you it only hurts for a heartbeat before they can’t feel anything anymore. You’re the one that gives people freezer burn, and there’s nothing terribly romantic about setting people on fire or electrocuting them either.


FROST: Point taken. So what exactly are you going to do for her, then?


SARYN: I suppose I have to pass down the tricks of the trade to someone, she’ll be my protege.


FROST: Wait, what do you mean torture was your old job?

SARYN: Eat your pizza, dear. The Wicked Witch is more than just a roller derby queen.

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The tenno are hard at work during the Sling Stone event...

 

EMBER: aw crap, here comes another dozen or so of them.


SARYN: A dozen or so? Could you be a little more professional, Ember?


EMBER: I dunno, between what, ten and the whole planet? WHERE DO YOU GUYS COME FROM? HONESTLY? GET A GIRLFRIEND, LOSERS!


RHINO: YO, WHO BROUGHT THE BETA CORRUPTOR?


NOVA: I brought stable.


EMBER: I brought Alpha.

SARYN: I brought stable.


RHINO: WAIT, SO NONE OF YOU BROADS BROUGHT THE BETA STUFF? COME ON.


SARYN: I thought we told you before we started that you needed to bring the beta mix.


EMBER: Yea I remember that part.

NOVA: It’s recorded in the chat log.


SARYN: Dammit, there goes another one of my shed skins. Where do these guys come from?


EMBER: I’m setting them all on fire hun, can’t make them burn any faster.


NOVA: Ladies, please.


SARYN: Wow. Nice one, new girl.


EMBER: Overachiever.


SARYN: Where were we? Oh yes. For the love of god Rhino, why didn’t you bring the Beta mix like we asked you too?


EMBER: Yea, what the F*** man?


RHINO: YO THE RHINO AIN’T NO BETA. I ONLY BRING THE ALPHA, THAT’S HOW I ROLL.


NOVA: You have got to be @(*()$ kidding me.


SARYN: Why am I not surprised.


EMBER: This is the worst event ever. hey Saryn, you lost another molt.


SARYN: These morons just don’t quit.


NOVA: Wait for it... 100 energy, and bam. You’re welcome.


EMBER: Not bad honey, watch out for that roller.


NOVA: Oh sh-


EMBER: And the glass cannon goes down. That ladies and gentlemen, is why the rest of us DPS frames still have jobs.


SARYN: You gonna help her up?


EMBER: Do I have to? Yea, I do don’t I.


SARYN: You’re the one with Overheat.


EMBER: Alright I’ll get her, don’t lose your glaive.


RHINO: YO WHO BROUGHT THE BETA MIX?


SARYN: Next mission we’re taking my boyfriend.


EMBER: What? Come on. let me bring mine.


SARYN: Snow globe, dear.


NOVA: She has a point.


EMBER: Alright, fine.


RHINO: YO, WHICH ONE OF YOU BROADS BROUGHT THE BETA?


NOVA: If he calls us broads one more time I’m going disassemble his brain molecule by molecule.

SARYN: You’d have to find it first, dear.

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Rhino rawks man. Brother keeps it real by repping Jersey Shore.

 

Comes a point in time when one gets sick of the nerdy/brainy/we're-smarter-than-you bs.

Rhino is the quintessential black sheep in this series ;)

 

Doozy, another great episode. Moar Rhinoguido and his lingo in capslock..pl0x.

RHINO: YEA THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ BOUT. FISTBUMP.

NOVA: Oh, so now everyone’s tired of us being nerds? Who invited you?

SARYN: Yea what the hell? Its hardly my fault I need a PhD in molecular biology to operate this warframe. You think miasma just happens when you hit the 4 key? I have to do a lot of work to make that happen.

EMBER: Boo hoo, cram it librarians.

NOVA: What, you didn’t have to have an education to set everything on fire? Some of us actually have to try, you know.

EMBER: Cry babies. You bookworms couldn’t do what I was doing before you were tenno.

SARYN: And what was that dear, female gym rat with a sugar daddy?

NOVA: A stripper?

EMBER: Please dear, strippers actually have to get up and go to work. All I did was work out and sleep all day. You wish you could do my pre-tenno job.

SARYN: I did your pre-tenno job every weekend between cramming chemistry textbooks, you couchpotato.

EMBER: Yea, sure you did honey. I was a FIREFIGHTER.

NOVA: You? A firefighter? You’re a space ninja arsonist.

EMBER: Yea, you act like I don’t have to know S#&$ for that? Firefighters gotta know stuff too, like how to drag your little 90 pound porcelain doll &#! out of a burning building after you get your HP chainsawed by a grineer platoon.

NOVA: The building is burning because of you.

EMBER: Damn right it is, but I’ll still get you out of it alive, skinny. Firefighters rule.

RHINO: RESPECT. FIST BUMP.

EMBER: That’s what’s up.

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1004092_10151754631841692_1413427239_n.j

First things first, that's my little brother with Guy Fierri in the House of Blues, Steel Panther rules. If you're in LA on a monday night, go see them, they're totally insane. Shame about that band that opened though, those A******s from new york were a tragedy. Second band that went up was pretty good though.

NOW, WHILE I'M STILL BUZZED AND I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING BECAUSE I'VE SPENT THE LAST TWO HOURS HEADBANGING TO 80s METAL SONGS ABOUT TRASHY SEX MOVES, let's talk turkey.

Gather round children, its time I taught you a little something. There are 2 important lessons here about Saryn.

 

 

LESSON NUMBER 1-

 

You're all giving me too much credit. This is my weekend forum trolling project. If you think there's actually an outline, or a plot, or that I'm ever actually aiming before I pull the trigger, you are totally off the island. And not just my island, your island too.

do_i_really_look_like_a_guy_with_a_plan.

LESSON NUMBER 2-

 

You're all accusing Saryn of being a Sue because again, you are assuming I actually have a plan. Let me tell you exactly how far the rabbit hole actually goes- I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'm going to forma this sobek, and if I do, how many times. That's about as far as we've gotten. And maybe I've got an interview at this gym on thursday. I'll worry about that on wednesday. The point is, if I had any idea what the hell I was doing, i'd be dangerous. Dangerous and sober.

But that's not actually lesson number 2.

The real lesson number 2 is that just because something has a name, doesn't mean its a character. There are lots of objects that have names, but aren't actually characters. Most of them are Bella Swan and Anastasia Steele, but just because a person is in a story, doesn't mean they're a character.

Case in point...

 

There are 14 frames in the game and in the story, and then there's PDG. that makes 15. How many characters do you think this story actually has?

The correct answer is 4.

There are currently 4 characters in the story.

Ember, Saryn, Rhino, and PDG.

 

Go back and read through the last 29 pages and examine the dialog line by line.

 

Or don't I'll just tell you so its easier- All the other frames are plot devices. They're completely interchangeable, they have no unique dialog, if I changed the color of their text or their name of their frames, you would never be able to discern who was who. You could describe literally every warframe's personality in this story in one sentence.

The only ones who are actually characters, who actually have a set role, are Rhino, Ember, Saryn, and PDG.

And by the way, Saryn is the new girl on the block- Up until 2 pages ago, she was another plot device. Her entire purpose up until PDG subplot was to be the trampoline that Ember bounced her ego off of. Go ahead, read all of her dialog- its a formula.

Ember- Something catty.

Saryn- Something catty back.

Ember- Wednesday Addams line.

Saryn- something catty back.

But this is part of the game of writing. You're allowed to make people into props, and you're allowed to bring them forward or push them backwards as you need them. We simply haven't gotten that far yet. I CAN ONLY SHIP 1 COUPLE AT A TIME, PEOPLE. That's why Volt and Nyx got out of the way first.

 

Let's take an example from Game of Thrones, because that's popular, and even if you didn't read it, you probably still watch the show. Which I will spoiler like crazy because I did read it, and you should too.

 

Sansa- Character or plot device?

 

The answer is plot device. Up until around Storm of Swords, Sansa is nobody. Not just because we all hate Sansa because she's a naive brat and nobody likes her, but because her job is not to be a character. Sansa's job in GoT is to be the window that allows us to see other important characters who don't get their own chapters, like Varys, Littlefinger, Geoffrey, and Margaery. Sansa is the window through which we see Kings Landing, because the only other character that has chapters in Kings Landing is Tyrion. Sansa isn't a character, she's a mouthpiece. Her entire purpose is to be a mirror for more important characters to be reflected upon.

 

there are tiers of characters, primary, secondary, and tertiary, and then you have goons that just show up, like bartenders and baristas and all the people who are there, but only function as part of a scenario that a character is involved in. If you go to a concert and stand in the crowd, the band up on stage are characters. Do the people in the crowd have names? Probably, but realistically, no they don't. The crowd is a plot device.

So what you're seeing in the story here isn't that Saryn is a sue, its that she's actually having her character developed. Her dialog doesn't revolve completely around arguing with Ember anymore, and because she's getting more screen time and her star is shining and she seems to know some answers, you're assuming that she's a sue because you're assuming I actually have a plan.

 

THERE IS NO PLAN. I might decide tomorrow that Rhino is actually a molecular physicist and starts dating Nova after they meet at a TED talks presentation. Or maybe Loki will just get hit by a bus. Driven by Banshee.

Oh also, I'm totally open to critique. If I thought Saryn was actually a Sue, I'd come out and admit it. Another thing about Sues is that they're sociopaths- Any emotion they express towards another person is just a mirror for their own vanity, like a hot girl hanging out with her fat friend so she looks better by comparison. Saryn can't be a Sue because she actually feels authentic guilt and sympathy over what she did to PDG, and wants to make a genuine effort to become a positive force in her life, in a way that's hilariously convenient given her developed background.

She was a little dramatic when she explained that her abilities were humane though and that using chemical agents to kill people was totally BETTER than burning or freezing or zapping them to death, but that's just her rationalizing her own ego. I'm actually pretty sure that collapsing into a pile of soylent green is one of the worst ways to die in this game, so yea, she actually does have a flaw- The queen of mean is lying to herself.

Also, somebody please tell me that they've figured out that Ember is a complete narcissist.

But now the cat's out of the bag and you all know too much.

 

So I'm going to have to tie up a few loose ends...

 

ASH: What a pompous A******, does anyone actually read this garbage?

EMBER: 103 followers and 33,000 hits, so yea. Because I’m awesome.

ASH: Did you read the part where he admitted you were a narcissist?

EMBER: You’re just mad because you’re not a character, hun.

ASH: Being your boyfriend doesn’t push me up into the big leagues?

EMBER: What are you kidding? Boyfriends are hardly even people. The purpose of a boyfriend is to take me out to dinner on the weekend, tell me I look good, and then save me money on batteries.

ASH: save you money batteries?

EMBER: So I don’t have to keep buying new ones for the other boyfriend in the nightstand drawer.

ASH: Right.

EMBER: As if you weren’t enthusiastic about being chosen for the job. Its a rare honor.

RHINO: YEA, AND THE RHINO IS A CHARACTER TOO.

ASH: Dude seriously do you have to yell every time you come in the room?

RHINO: SEE THAT’S WHAT HE’S TALKIN ABOUT. THAT’S A CLASSIC PLOT DEVICE LINE. ANYONE COULD HAVE SAID THAT- CAL, FROSTY, YOU. THERE’S NO CHARACTER IN THAT LINE, ITS INTERCHANGEABLE.

ASH: Oh, so because you shout in all caps everywhere, you’re a character?

RHINO: YO THE RHINO TOOK OVER A WHOLE THREAD THE OTHER DAY AND HAD TSHIRT TIME ON THE GENERAL FORUMS, I DON’T SEE YOU OTHER GOOMBAS DOING WHAT THE RHINO DOES.

Ember: Hell yea. I’ll fistbump that.

RHINO: YEEEEEAAAAA BUDDY. FISTBUMP.

ASH: This Doozy guy is a total tool.

You got something you wanna say to me, Ash?

ASH: Who said that?

Your maker. Didn’t I do you a big enough favor by writing Ember as being attracted to you?

EMBER: Hey, I made that decision.

Yea, and you made the decision to enroll in the firefighter academy, and to wear daisy dukes and a wolfmother tshirt, and to have cat fights with Saryn.

ASH: What the hell are you doing here?

RHINO: HAH! MORE INTERCHANGEABLE DIALOG. MAN, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR CHARACTER DEVELOPED ASH. YO NARRATOR GUY, FISTBUMP.

Fistbump. But seriously, You guys are a little too far over the fourth wall. I’ve been getting complaints about you all being too meta. AND NOW WE’RE DOING THIS.

EMBER: Oooh! I have the internet! I can look at the warframe forums and read stories about myself! Hey, do you think they’ll make an Inception themed warframe? Kiss my overheated &#!, narrator.

RHINO: YO I DON’T THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA.

You should listen to Rhino, he’s a lot smarter than the capslock key.

EMBER: Oh come on. What are you going to do? Kill me off? I’m like the main freakin character?

Honey, I can do SO MUCH WORSE.

EMBER: Like what?

ASH: Yea, like what?

Well for starters, right now Loki doesn’t know where you live. That can change.

EMBER: WE’LL BEHAVE.

Get back on the other side of the 4th wall where you belong!

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