Out Of Frame: The Everyday Lives Of The Tenno

[Doozy84]

now for an actual club tee

 

 

How are you able to keep the Tenno Team working like a well oiled machine when theres such a diverse set of personalities and new personnel coming in all the time?

 

YO THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION, AND A GOOD TSHIRT. ABOUT TIME ONE OF YOU GOOMBAS SHOWED UP WITH SOME STYLE.

THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION IS SIMPLE- ALCOHOL ABUSE.

[Doozy84]

http://tophattuxes.com/cs/Satellite?blobcol=urlimagefile&blobheader=image%2Fjpeg&blobheadername1=Content-Disposition&blobheadervalue1=inline%3B+filename%3Dtuxedos-callout-image.jpg&blobkey=id&blobtable=UXImage&blobwhere=1338939943689&ssbinary=true&moddate=2012-06-19 09:43:58

If one Tenno were to turn evil, who would you most expect it to be (barring Loki and Banshee)?

(My apologies for the lack of image Rhino, but the site wouldn't let me post the shirt in an image.)

YO, THAT’S NOT A TSHIRT, THAT’S A TUX. THAT’S LIKE DIFFERENT OCCASIONS AND STUFF. YOUR QUESTION IS DISQUALIFIED FOR FAILURE TO MEET TSHIRT TIME DRESS CODE.

 

 

I'd like to know the answer too, so here's a little insurance.

 

 

That is if I'm posting this image right.

 

I DON’T EVEN THINK THAT’S A REAL TSHIRT, IT LOOKS PHOTOSHOPPED OR SOMETHING.

YOU GOOMBAS NEED TO STEP UP YOUR SWAGGER, NO MORE JOKE SHIRTS OR SHORE STORE GARBAGE, ONLY FRESH TO DEATH TSHIRTS FROM HERE ON OUT. I WAS LENIENT WHEN WE STARTED BECAUSE I HAD HOPED IT WOULD BE A FLUKE BUT ITS OBVIOUS THE TREND HERE IS THAT YOU GOOMBAS LACK SELF RESPECT. WE NEED TO SEE LESS TIME AT THE KEYBOARD LURKING AROUND THOSE DUMB NERD SITES THAT SELL HARRY POTTER TSHIRTS OR WHATEVER, AND MORE TIME IN THE GYM GETTING SWOLE AND RESPECTING YOUR BODY.

SO FROM NOW ON, IF YOU AINT BRINGIN THE FRESHEST TSHIRT, YOU AIN’T GETTIN NO LOVE. UNLESS ITS REALLY REALLY FUNNY.

BUT DOOZY SAYS NONE OF YOU KIDS WERE BORN IN THE 80S SO YOU PROBABLY WOULDN’T KNOW A REALLY AWESOME FUNNY TSHIRT IF YOU SAW ONE.

NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M GONNA GO PULL THIS SIX PACK OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND GET LOOSENED UP WHILE I WATCH SOME ADVENTURE TIME ON NETFLIX.

[Doozy84]

 

Is

worthy of your awesomeness, Rhino? (I also approve of an Adventure Time marathon.)

 

YO THAT IS A RIGHTEOUS TSHIRT RIGHT THERE. GOOD PICK.

THAT BAND PUTS ME TO SLEEP THOUGH.

[Doozy84]

>_< seriously guys it's not hard to find fashionable tees. As for club attire, think about the ladies that goes to clubs. If the text on the shirt is a reference is something they wouldn't understand don't wear it.

 

 

Question is Rhino's choice.

FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO GETS IT

[Doozy84]

 

Let's hope the image worked...

 

What was your opinion on the music puns?

Did they strike a CHOR...

 

sorry.

 

P.S; What do you think of DE?

WOULDN’T WEAR IT, NO ANSWERS.

[Doozy84]

Rhino is more man than that guy ^^

 

Question: Did you ever suspect that Loki is your old friend Logan from school? He is. Respect him. He needs help.

 

Edit: changed wording to make more sense. k

 

MEME TSHIRT, DIDN’T READ YOUR POST. PLAY BY THE RULES, GOOMBAS. THIS AIN’T HARD.

[Doozy84]

 

IRL photo HO!!

 

What are your favourite shoes? 

 

YO THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION AND A GOOD TSHIRT, A LITTLE TOO BRITISH FOR ME BUT I CAN DIG IT.

LIKE I ALREADY EXPLAINED, REAL GOOMBAS CAN’T HAVE FAVORITES, THEY GOTTA HAVE A PROCESS. HOWEVER, I DO HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I COME BACK TO CHUCK TAYLORS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, YOU CAN’T MESS WITH A CLASSIC. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO MATCHING YOUR JEANS AND YOUR TSHIRT.

[Doozy84]

*sigh* some of these t-shirts...

 

 

What has been your most memorable challenge inside and out of your warframe?

 

THANK YOU. FINALLY SOMETHING WE CAN WORK WITH. THAT TSHIRT IS FRESH TO DEATH. I COULD ROCK THAT RIGHT NOW.

BEFORE TODAY, MY MOST MEMORABLE CHALLENGE WAS WINNING STATE AND THEN BANGING THE OTHER TEAM’S CAPTAIN OF THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD.

BUT THEN TODAY HAPPENED, AND I COME BACK TO CHECK ON THE THREAD AND ITS FULL OF ALL THESE GOOMBAS WHO CAN’T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS.

LISTEN UP YOU GOOMBAS, THE RHINO IS GONNA DISPENSE SOME LIFE ADVICE- IF YOU WANNA GET LADIES AND GET LAID AND MAKE FRIENDS AND HAVE MONEY AND A BIG TRUCK AND STUFF, YOU GOTTA FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. AIN’T NOBODY CARE WHAT YOU GOTTA SAY OR WHAT YOU TRYIN TO DO IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. ESPECIALLY LADIES. YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BE DOING WHAT LADIES SAY, OR ELSE THEY’RE GONNA WALK AWAY AND YOU AIN’T GONNA GET NO ACTION.

THIS IS SIMPLE STUFF GOOMBAS. FROM NOW ON, IF YOUR TSHIRT AINT FRESH, I’M IGNORING YOUR POST COMPLETELY. NO RESPONSE. YOU GOTTA FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS AND ACT LIKE YOU CARE. IF YOU DON’T CARE, I DON’T CARE. THAT’S THE RULES OF LIFE, GOOMBAS.

[Doozy84]

 

 

If the shirt above does not meet certain prerequisites, then would theses suffice?

YO YOU STRUCK OUT COMPLETELY CHIEF, READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.

[Doozy84]

Can I show YOU a T-Shirt and ask how long it took you to find this in between all these damn pages?

YEA THIS FROM THE GUY WHO POSTED HIS VACATION IN THIS THREAD. GET OUTTA HERE, YOU GOON!

[Doozy84]

Since I was ignored, I can only assume that my shirt was rejected...

 

Since this is the case, lets try this one!

 

 

And with this as my offering, I ask, Halo or CoD?

 

WOAH, THAT TSHIRT IS REALLY CRAZY. THAT’S KIND OF COOL.

TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION- ALL FIRST PERSON SHOOTERS ON CONSOLES SUCK. THE RHINO BELIEVES IN THE PC MASTER RACE.

[Doozy84]

F**KING NEITHER!

 

 

^ I happen to own this shirt IRL. It's geek but it's still a clean color combo that makes it seem more like a tribal pattern at first glance. Then you look again and you're like "Nice shirt, dude." Been complimented on it IRL too, by non-gamers and gamers alike. ANYWAY.

 

Rhino, have you ever sparred with Nova in the dojo? How did it go down?

YO I THINK I COULD WEAR THAT IN THE CLUB, I DIG METROID. THAT GAME WAS TIGHT. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, I WON. CROWD CONTROL BEATS DAMAGE RACING ANY DAY OF THE WEEK, GOOMBAS.

[Doozy84]

ALRIGHT GOOMBAS, ITS MIDNIGHT. I’M DONE. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY TO CHAT WITH THE RHINO, AND NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, YOU BETTER BE FRESH TO DEATH. DON’T MAKE ANY EXCUSES, FOR YOURSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. THE ONLY OBSTACLE TO YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOURSELF, AND STUFF. FISTBUMP!

[Doozy84]

MAG: Oh, hello Saryn. Please come in.

EMBER: Sup Morticia.

SARYN: Red Riding Hood.

MAG: What brings you to our little slice of heaven?

SARYN: Oh, the boys think they left some video game controllers here last time they were over and now Frost can’t play Madden without his lucky sticks.

MAG: That’s a real thing?

EMBER: I keep telling you guys, men are only good for one thing. They love videogames too much to actually contribute to society.

SARYN: Said the woman who sets people on fire for a living.

EMBER: Don’t forget former firefighter, little miss chemical warfare.

SARYN: Touche.

MAG: Oh look at that, there is an extra controller here. That must be the one you were talking about.

EMBER: You came all the way over here to pick up your boyfriend’s toys for him? He’s got you pretty well trained. Is the sex that good?

SARYN: Picking up his toys is just a side quest. I came over to hang out. And for the record, yes, the sex is that good.

EMBER: What’s he packing?

MAG: Ember, that’s totally inappropriate.

SARYN: Oh honey, don’t worry about it. Its just girl talk. How are things going with you and Cal?

EMBER: Yea, did you knock one out yet?

MAG: That’s none of your business.

EMBER: I’m your roommate, it totally is my business. I need to know if you’re going to keep me up all night with your screaming mattress antics.

MAG: WHAT? THAT’S A LIE. I DON’T SCREAM DURING-

SARYN: She’s putting you on, dear. Don’t rise to the bait.

EMBER: Oh come on Saryn. Ruin all the fun.

MAG: I don’t scream during sex!

EMBER: Then you must be doing something wrong.

SARYN: Amen to that.

MAG: I don’t like it like that.

EMBER: Do you like anything? Come on, you haven’t knocked one out yet?

MAG: We fooled around...

SARYN: Ooh, do tell.

EMBER: Yea, spill it.

MAG: No! You two are gross.

EMBER: Oh come on, you haven’t even done anything interesting yet. When it gets gross, that’s when we really wanna hear it.

SARYN: You should keep him dear. Its not often you find men who are willing to wait for you to be comfortable. Its a rare gem. You should polish it.

EMBER: Yea, listen to her. She’s the ex-porno queen.

SARYN: Fetish queen. There’s a difference. I didn’t do porn.

EMBER: I think you’re splitting hairs.

SARYN: No, you’re just talking about an industry you don’t know anything about... Which reminds me, did you see that trashy fanart thread?

MAG: You mean Out of Frame?

SARYN: No, the other one. Full of pictures of upskirts and booty shots of us fighting. Doing kicks and stuff. It’s totally classic.

EMBER: WHAT?

SARYN: Its fan art. Really trashy overtly sexualized fan art.

EMBER: IS THIS REAL?

SARYN: No, they’re just digital paintings.

EMBER: No, I mean, there’s people on the internet that make weird pervy drawings of us?

SARYN: Since time immemorial...

EMBER: THAT’S AWESOME. Do they take requests? Like can I get one of me, standing naked in a ring of fire on the hood of a Trans Am, and all these hot guys are bowing down and worshipping me, and there’s like a giant owl from a Rush album cover swooping down from the moon and stuff?

SARYN: That is the most white trash thing I have ever heard. And probably yes.

EMBER: OH MY GOD.

SARYN: You really don’t know anything about internet porn, do you?

EMBER: Who needs porn? I’ve got a boyfriend.

MAG: Wait, slow down.

SARYN: Hmm?

MAG: You mean there’s all these weird people out their drawing dirty pictures of us all rude and nude, without my consent?

SARYN: Well yes dear, that’s pretty much being a female video game character in a nutshell.

MAG: That’s terrifying!

EMBER: THAT’S AWESOME. I’M LIKE A PIN UP QUEEN, LIKE MARILYN MONROE OR BETTIE PAGE!

SARYN: Well, sometimes you are. Sometimes its a little darker. Tentacles and stuff.

MAG: Tentacles?

EMBER: You mean like having sex with an octopus or something?

SARYN: In a japanese school girl uniform, yes.

EMBER: Ok that’s just hilarious. But I still want one of me like, as Cleopatra, and my boobs are hanging out and these hot guys are fanning me and feeding me grapes, and Mark Antony is checking me out like, “damn, she’s hot.”

SARYN: Well the good news is, Ember, if there’s anything on earth that can satisfy your ego, its internet porn. You’ll find everything you want if you look for it hard enough, and a lot of things you weren’t looking for besides.

MAG: How do you know all about this stuff?

SARYN: Because I’m a retired fetish queen, I’ve already had all these dirty pictures drawn of me a hundred times before. This is just old news to me.

EMBER: I HAVE TO SEE THIS BEAUTIFUL MONUMENT TO MY AWESOME BODY.

SARYN: Calm down, its right here.

EMBER: Oh wow, look at that drawing of you, why are your %&#036;# so droopy in your armor?

SARYN: Probably because the artist interpreted our body suits as latex, and apparently I’m not wearing a bra. Its not his fault, he didn’t know that part is actually a rigid chitin that protects my rib cage and keeps my girls under wraps.

EMBER: Look at how big your crotch is!

SARYN: When you’re sexually excited, your pubic mound is engorged. That’s basic sex ed stuff, Ember.

MAG: Why would you be sexually excited by killing people?

EMBER: Why wouldn’t you be? Oh my god, look at the crotch shot on Trinity! That’s so classic!

SARYN: Look at the butt shot on you.

EMBER: Ha! That’s adorable. They definitely picked my best asset. Why am I all sweaty, though?

SARYN: The fire maybe?

EMBER: Nah, the suit is climate controlled.

SARYN: Maybe its not that kind of sweat.

EMBER: NICE.

SARYN: This one of Nova is my favorite, look she’s about to be molested by sand skates, its a classic tentacle gag.

EMBER: She looks so adorable! Look at her little nips peaking in her suit!

MAG: Am I in there?

SARYN: Not by this artist.

EMBER: Yea, no one would ever draw you Mag, you’ve got nothing to show off. Oh my god, Banshee bending over. That’s so trashy. I love it.

SARYN: Well, there is one. I don’t think you’ll want to see it though.

MAG: Well with all these strange people drawing lewd pictures of us, now I have too! This is insane! Its a violation of my privacy.

SARYN: Honey, I don’t think you’re ready for this...

EMBER: Is something besides her privacy about to get violated?

SARYN: In short, yes.

EMBER: THEN WE HAVE TO SEE IT. COME ON MAG, THE INTERNET IS GONNA MAKE YOU A STAR!

MAG: I think I’m going to be sick.

SARYN: Click the spoiler tags.

MAG: Oh my god. That’s gross.

EMBER: Yea, I’ll say. The artist was really generous. Look at that &amp;#&#33; he gave you, and the %&#036;#! You don’t look anything like that.

SARYN: I think the translucency of the suit was a nice touch though.

MAG: That’s not even me! Look how oversexualized I am! That’s disgusting! And... Am I about to be assaulted?

EMBER: You don’t look very assaulted in the picture. You’re practically begging for it.

MAG: That’s even worse! Can you not see what’s wrong with this? Its the propagation of rape culture!

EMBER: Well, the dude is hung. I mean I’d give him a roll in the hay if I wasn’t dating Ash.

MAG: That’s not the point, Ember! Jesus, they changed my body image, they made me look like I enjoyed being sexually assaulted, this is... This is offensive.

EMBER: Well its not like they drew you actually being assaulted.

MAG: That would have been better! At least then I’d be kicking and screaming and fighting back and trying to kill him! Instead of just acting like a willing wanton! I don’t want images of me like this floating around, this isn’t me! They’re not raping my body, they’re raping my persona!

EMBER: I think you’re taking it a little too seriously, hun.

SARYN: Well, she is right.

EMBER: Didn’t you say you already had all of this stuff happen to you once?

SARYN: Yea, you eventually just ignore it. It doesn’t go away. And you’re not exactly always getting the image of yourself you want, believe me, you’re not always going to get your Cleopatra man harem fantasy. That artist can draw you doing anything his twisted little mind desires, its not always... Harmless.

EMBER: Its just a picture! Lighten up!

MAG: Its presenting an image of me I’m not comfortable with, Ember, its assaulting my identity. That’s even creepier. Saryn, how do you deal with this stuff?

SARYN: Well, you either take Ember’s attitude, or you block it out.

MAG: Neither of those are healthy!

EMBER: Hey!

MAG: Not all of us are comfortable as being portrayed as libidinous nymphomaniacs that want it every way they can get it, Ember! Somebody has to know about this. Where’s DE Rebecca, she’ll put a stop to this!

SARYN: Don’t you read the forums? Rebecca catalogs all these images.

MAG: Well, doesn’t she at least delete the nasty ones like this from the forums? It’s supposed to be PG13 around here or something!

SARYN: Maybe.

EMBER: I hope not. I’m still holding out for my awesome man harem. Or if I’m wearing that awesome Jessica Rabbit gown from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

SARYN: I want that gown.

EMBER: You’re not even a redhead!

SARYN: You aren’t in your butt shot!

EMBER: Well its not like these artists know what I really look like, except for my &amp;#&#33;, of course.

MAG: Why is that so suddenly comforting?

SARYN: Darling, its something you need to get used too.

MAG: I don’t want to get used to this! This is invasive, and disgusting, and wrong!

SARYN: Honey, this is the dilemma of the female video game character. The fact of the matter is, compared to some of these other bimbos, we’re overdressed.

[SLI-fox]

I wanna know what the deal between Loki and Banshee is now.

[Doozy84]

I think I made that abundantly clear.

[Ced23Ric]

The Great Purge has been completed.

[Doozy84]

SARYN: Alright girls, did you see the new fan art?

MAG: I can’t take any more of that garbage, it sickens me.

EMBER: Oh, get off of it Mag. Or get onto it.

MAG: Onto it?

EMBER: By it I mean Cal. As in, his erection. Sexual intercourse.

MAG: ...

SARYN: Alright that’s enough Ember, if Mag doesn’t want her image to exploited by pervy fan artists that’s her business. She doesn’t need constant affirmation from strangers like you do.

EMBER: Your loss hun, this new one of you is really cute.

MAG: Really?

SARYN: Its a portrait and its adorable, you have the cutest little cupid’s bow!

MAG: I do?

EMBER: And your eyes are kind of big.

SARYN: That’s just the art style, dear.

MAG: Well now I wanna see it!

EMBER: I thought you didn’t like the attention!

MAG: Well I do when its tasteful...

EMBER: What’s not tasteful about a handsome well-hung dude that wants to jump your bones?

SARYN: The thinly implied consent and the nearly-rape scenario, mostly.

EMBER: Oh, shut up. Sometimes its nice to let the boys be in charge.

SARYN: Well yea, if you give them permission in an emotionally healthy environment.

MAG: For an ex-fetish queen, you sure know a lot about sexual politics and health.

SARYN: Why wouldn’t I?

EMBER: Wait, stop the quasi-feminist discussion.

MAG: Ember just because you think its boring, doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you.

SARYN: This is a bridge we’re going to have to cross eventually dear, don’t be surprised if a year down the road DE is selling platinum skins of you wearing a bikini instead of a frame, its already happened to all the MOBA girls. Two or three times each.

MAG: Wait, what’s a MOBA?

SARYN: You know, League of Legends, Defense of the Ancients? All those girls have alternate skins with chainmail bikinis and french maid outfits and bunny costumes...

MAG: Seriously?

SARYN: Of course dear, its a teenage male audience. Although I do like the bunny costume. Bunny costumes are classy. the little fishnets and cuffs are cute.

MAG: You’d wear a bunny costume?

SARYN: Its classy! Its like the sexy halloween costume for refined women. Its way better than @#&amp;*ty cat or @#&amp;*ty nurse or all that other Legs Avenue garbage.

EMBER: HEY, SHUT UP.

SARYN: I think you’d look pretty cute cheesecaked out in a bunny costume Mag, you should try it. I mean it is a one piece, its mostly harmless.

MAG: Well if that’s your professional opinion ...you think Cal would like it?

SARYN: Oh, honey...

EMBER: SERIOUSLY SHUT UP FOR TWO MINUTES, GOD YOU’RE NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT WOMEN IN VIDEO GAMES ANYMORE.

SARYN: What is your problem, Flame Princess?

EMBER: Can it, Marceline.

SARYN: You wanna take it to the dojo, hot-to-trot?

EMBER: No I’m serious. Listen.

SARYN: ...

MAG: ...

SARYN: What are we listening too?

MAG: Silence.

EMBER: Exactly.

SARYN: Is Banshee here?

MAG: She can’t be, she’s at Xini with Vauban and Nova, they’re going for 80 waves this weekend.

EMBER: Its like a hundred sycophants cried out, and were suddenly brushed into another thread by a vengeful mod.

MAG: You mean a god?

EMBER: No, a mod. Somebody janitored the thread.

MAG: Oh, I suppose that is kind of nice now that you’ve mentioned it.

SARYN: Its so clean and color-coded again...

EMBER: NO ITS NOT NICE, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, HE CAN’T CLEAR OUT ALL THE FANBOYS INTO ANOTHER THREAD, NOT WHILE THEY’RE STROKING MY EGO!

MAG: Are you really that vain?

EMBER: OBVIOUSLY YES! THEY WERE LIKE A LEGION OF EMBERHOLICS DOING MY BIDDING! IT WAS GRAND!

SARYN: Actually I think Ban and Rhino were the most popular ones.

EMBER: What? The guido and the skinny chick with the attitude problem?

MAG: I don’t think Banshee has an attitude problem.

SARYN: Not compared to some of us, I’d admit.

EMBER: I DON’T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, I’M PERFECTLY AWARE OF MY NARCISSISM. I DON’T CONSIDER IT A CHARACTER FLAW, HOW COULD LOVING ME BE BAD?

SARYN: Well I guess you’d better take that up with Ced, dear. He cleaned the place up.

EMBER: THE WACKY GERMAN? OH YEA, LEAVE IT TO THE OBSESSED KRAUT TO MARTYR MY FANS ON THE ALTAR OF EFFICIENCY.

MAG: That’s a little racist...

SARYN: And they weren’t all your fans...

EMBER: THEY WERE SHEEP! THEY WERE MY FLOCK TO TEND, MY ANIMAL FARM! TWO LEGS BETTER!

MAG: You actually made a literary reference that didn’t involve a graphic novelization or a made for tv movie on the sci-fi channel?

SARYN: I’m impressed.

MAG: I’m kind of scared. I always used to take comfort in the idea that she didn’t really have an attention span longer than a superbowl commercial.

EMBER: I HEARD THAT!

[Doozy84]

 

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CONTAINS TOO MANY FEELS.

Forum members are advised to look away, and link this chapter into Ember threads. CMs and Devs are advised to spread the tears to other CMs and Devs.

EMBER: Sup losers, you ready to rock and roll?

CAL: Uh oh.

EMBER: What? Let’s do this thing. I haven’t started a good fire in like 2 weeks, they won’t let us launch bottle rockets off the apartment’s balcony, The super says its a “fire hazard.” Like he would fuckin know.

TRIN: Oh dear.

RHINO: YO EMBER, NOBODY TOLD YOU?

EMBER: Told me what?

CAL: That you got ner-

TRIN: Stop right there Cal, there’s a more delicate way to say this...

RHINO: GOOD CALL. TRIN, YOU’RE ON POINT.

TRIN: We’ve been talking dear, and its just that we don’t think you should play so aggressively anymore...

EMBER: Ha. Define aggressive, mom.

RHINO: YO CUT THE ATTITUDE EMBER, THIS ORDER CAME DOWN FROM THE LOTUS.

TRIN: Well dear, its just that, we’re worried about you.

EMBER: Worried about me? I’m the fuckin firetruck. You don’t worry when I show up, you rejoice.

RHINO: YO EMBER WE’RE JUST WORRIED YOU CAN’T TAKE A HIT LIKE YOU USED TOO.

EMBER: Oh, yea. That’s cute Rhino. How many times have I dragged your muscle-bound &amp;#&#33; out of a raging inferno?

CAL: Didn’t you create the raging inferno?

EMBER: My methods are sound. Go on, answer the question.

RHINO: 4.

CAL: That’s not the point though-

EMBER: How about you, Cal?

CAL: 11, maybe 12?

TRIN: 12 revives?

CAL: Slashdash accidents. Sometimes I get a little excited.

TRIN: Oh dear.

EMBER: Right, so who here gets to talk again? Go on. Raise your hand.

RHINO: YO EMBER WE’RE TRYING TO BE COOL ABOUT THIS, BUT THEY NERFED OVERHEAT.

EMBER: ...what?

TRIN: Its a flat fifty now dear-

EMBER: But Focus!

TRIN: Doesn’t affect it anymore.

EMBER: But...

CAL: The good news is you can still lay on the fire.

EMBER: THE FIRE GAG IS A JOKE! FIRE? IN SPACE? SERIOUSLY? IT DOES DOUBLE DAMAGE TO INFESTED. THAT’S IT. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT ASBESTOS IS? MY @(*()&#036; NEMESIS IS A WATER SPRINKLER! SERIOUSLY, A WARFRAME THEMED ON FIRE DAMAGE IS A @(*()&#036; JOKE, I MIGHT AS WELL BE VOLT.

CAL: Can’t Volt do that speed buff thing?

RHINO: BRO YOU ARE NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW.

EMBER: FUCKIN SERIOUSLY? THIS IS A NIGHTMARE RIGHT? PINCH ME SO I WAKE UP? HEY, LET’S HAVE A FIRE FRAME! WE’VE GOT AN ICE FRAME, HE’S GOT UTILITY SPELLS. WE’VE GOT AN ELECTRIC FRAME, HE’S GOT UTILITY SPELLS. WHAT DO WE GIVE TO THE FIRE FRAME... OH I KNOW, HOW ABOUT MORE FIRE. THAT WILL BE USEFUL.

TRIN: Nyx said she wouldn’t take this well.

RHINO: SHE LOOKS FINE TO ME, SHE’S ALWAYS YELLING AT EVERYONE.

TRIN: This is different dear, its an emotional collapse.

CAL: Are we still going on the mission?

TRIN: Probably not with her.

RHINO: YO EMBER, DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT I THINK I HAVE TO BENCH YOU ON THIS ONE. WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM AND GET OUT OF YOUR SUIT, TAKE A COLD SHOWER.

EMBER: RIGHT. A @(*()&#036; SHOWER. TO PUT OUT THE FIRE. BECAUSE I’M OVERHEATED.

CAL: Come on, you’re still a DPS frame. Fire still kills all the baddies.

EMBER: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF THEY’RE NOT INFESTED THEY’LL DIE OF CANCER BEFORE THEY DIE FROM WORLD ON FIRE. ITS NOT AN ULTIMATE, ITS A CROWD CONTROL. THE ONLY THING ITS GOOD FOR IS MAKING THEM STOP TO BEAT OUT THE FLAMES.

CAL: Isn’t cancer Saryn’s thing?

EMBER: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuu-

RHINO: YO EMBER, THAT’S AN ORDER. HIT THE SHOWERS.

EMBER: But- I mean... fine.

TRIN: Poor thing.

Rhino pointed to the door.

Ember stopped, gestured and clenched her fists, and then shrugged in resignation and defeat and walked out of the briefing room back down the hall towards the locker room and hit the switch to turn the lights on.

She sat down in front of her own locker and sulked for a moment, and then keyed in the code. She threw the door open and it reverberated through the ship as the clanging echo of metal on metal rattled down the hall.

She grabbed her purse and threw it on the floor, then her shoes and her clothes, she piled up her belongings on the floor, clawing them out of the locker like a dog digging a hole, her deoderant stick and her shampoo bottle clattering with hollow plastic sounds on the concrete floor.

Finally finished excavating her locker, she found what she was looking for- A tiny black scrapbook with dog eared corners and chipped and torn plastic covers, a cheap little thing she bought in an office supply store.

She dug through the pile of clothes on the floor and reached for her phone, putting it on the bench and flicking the touchscreen over to the music player in her browser. She put on this song, and then you did too.

She opened the tiny scrapbook and looked at an old yellowed newspaper clipping glued to the page. It was a picture of her fleeing a burning building in her firefighting coat before she was tenno. A flaming building was collapsing behind her. She had a cat in her arms.

She turned the page to another picture of her firefighting, this time she had a fire axe in one hand, the other tugging on the collar of a pit bull. In the background could be seen the chain that had been the dog’s leash that she had sundered with the axe so the dog could escape the encroaching blaze instead of being condemned to a fiery death at the end of its leash.

She turned the page to a picture of her climbing down a ladder with a crying six year old in her arm, her hand covering the screaming child’s eyes so he couldn’t look down.

She turned the page again, and there she was dragging a pair of fellow firefighters out of a brush fire.

She flicked the pages faster and faster. Kittens. Children. Comrades. On one occasion a chinchilla. She arrived at the fatter, stickier part of the book, the pictures here were crisper, the glue on the page holding them down were thicker.

They were screenshots from her helmet cam.

An outstretched palm, blackened with Overheat, dispersing green revivification nano clouds onto Frost as he lay in a pile of empty braton shell casings.

A screenshot of her pulling Rhino across the floor by the ankles to drag him back into cover.

Ash over one shoulder, her free hand firing a viper wildly on full auto to suppress their attackers.

They were all in there. Some more than once. Some more than twice. Even Loki, although she constantly regretted ever saving his &amp;#&#33;.

She flipped to the first empty page of the scrapbook, and then hit the seal release on her helmet that decompressed her warframe’s controlled atmosphere. She took her helmet off and slid the mod panel aside, and drew out the Overheat card.

“You were good, kid.” She sighed, talking to the Overheat card. “But together, we were unbeatable.”

She took the Overheat card, kissed it once, and put it in the scrapbook and closed it. She put the scrapbook in the back of her locker, then peeled out of her suit and left it lying limp and lifeless on the locker room bench

She walked over to the shower stalls and cranked the cold water on full.

“Moisture. My ancient nemesis.” She laughed. She laughed so she wouldn’t cry.

She collapsed into the corner of the stall on the cold tiles, and buried her head in her knees under the freezing nails of the shower. There was no water on her face, but it was wet. She had started to cry.

“Hello darkness my old friend...” She sung softly to herself.

[Doozy84]

CAL: Hey um, I don’t mean to freak out or anything...

FROST: Yea, its not that big of a deal.

SARYN: What is? Why are you guys shaking?

RHINO: YO HAS ANYONE SEEN THE XBOX? THE RHINO NEEDS HIS MADDEN FIX OR I’M GONNA START PUNCHIN HOLES IN WALLS

MAG: What the hell has gotten into you guys?

CAL: boredom mostly.

SARYN: Isn’t that what girlfriends are for?

RHINO: NO. GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR SOMETHING ELSE. XBOX IS SO WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO WOMEN. THAT’S WHY ITS CALLED XBOX. SHE BECOMES YOUR EX WHEN YOU PLAY IT ALL DAY.

FROST: oh sure, just give up all our secrets.

RHINO: YO IM NOT THE ONE WHO DATES HIS COWORKERS.

FROST: Is that so? What was Nova doing at our place last night?

RHINO: WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WASN’T DATING, AND YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THAT. NOVA IS A COOL CHICK.

SARYN: Wait, what?

FROST: Nothing.

SARYN: You know you’re a terrible liar, dear...

FROST: I’m not lying about anything. Yet.

CAL: Seriously though guys, where is the Xbox? We’ve got 50 credits that Frost can beat Rhino with the Raiders if Rhino doesn’t play the Patriots.

MAG: What are the Patriots? And what’s an Xbox?

RHINO: OK LOOK IF THIS IS A JOKE THE RHINO DOESN’T GET IT.

MAG: No, you guys don’t understand... We’re in the future, remember?

SARYN: Oh yea, we’re in the future. There was that guy who posted in the other thread all bent because we were doing 21st century stuff, when its actually the year 2525 or something.

MAG: I think its a little further than that, dear.

SARYN: I know, I just said 2525 because of that tv show that was on in the 20th century, Cleopatra 2525.

MAG: What the hell is that?

SARYN: This really great trashy sci-fi show. It was kind of like Futurama, except instead of a delivery boy getting frozen and sent to the future, its a stripper. Named Cleopatra.

MAG: That’s got to be the corniest thing I’ve ever heard. Like future Baywatch or something.

SARYN: Actually it was the same guys who did Baywatch and VIP.

MAG: What was VIP?

SARYN: Pam Anderson’s other cheesecake show.

MAG: How do you know all this useless cheesecake trivia?

SARYN: If you have to ask at this point, you haven’t really been paying attention.

CAL: Well that’s great. But seriously, where’s the xbox?

MAG: Honey, the xbox has been obsolete for several thousand years. We technically don’t even know it ever existed. They probably have a fossilized one down at the Museum of Earth History.

RHINO: THE FUTURE SUCKS!

SARYN: Ah come on, don’t be such a fratboy. There’s lots of cool videogames to play in the future.

FROST: Like what?

MAG: Well, in the future, all console and PC gaming has been replaced with free-to-play indie flash games about making cookies. You just make billions upon billions of cookies.

CAL: And then you stack them like Tetris blocks or something?

MAG: No, they just kind of sit there. And then an ad pops up. But if you pay an extra 5 credits, it disables ads permanently.

CAL: This is the future?

RHINO: YO IF THIS IS THE FUTURE I’M GONNA GO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE WITH THE BRONCO.

FROST: Wait, slow down Rhino. We don’t need to kill ourselves yet, maybe there’s cool stuff in the future too.

SARYN: Like what? I’m already bored of this dumb cookie game. I’m thinking of going into the other thread and flooding it with poison gas.

CAL: Because they’re posting about the cookie game?

SARYN: Or because its fun, sure.

FROST: Well wait, slow down. We at least have to check the future out long enough to see how messed up sex is.

SARYN: Now you’re speaking my language, dear.

MAG: What do you mean?

FROST: Well you know as technology progresses, there’s an explosion of digital smut. I mean, when the internet was first created, it was full of old 80s pictures from playboy spreads. Then as tech got better, they had live cams and video clips and all kinds of sex. Everyone got jaded and bored of sex, and they had to keep inventing weirder and more perverse stuff to stay interested.

MAG: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.

SARYN: It’s totally true, though. This merits investigation. I want to see some future smut.

MAG: Well, we can have sex right now.

SARYN: That’s very flattering dear, but I’m not interested in girls. Or doing public shows.

MAG: No, its not actually like that anymore!

CAL: What do you mean?

RHINO: YO THE RHINO IS CONFUSED.

MAG: You don’t even have to take off your clothes!

FROST: If you’re not naked, are you even doing it right?

SARYN: Well, if you’re into rubber...

MAG: Its got nothing to do with that! You just take this pills, and you sit opposite your partner, and you touch the palms of your hands together.

RHINO: WHAT

MAG: Yea, its supposed to be completely euphoric bliss. The drug allows you to become one with your partner. Its supposed to be better than anything else.

SARYN: Wait, aren’t those the sex pills from Barbarella? The future is Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy?

MAG: You mean transcendent brain sex pills aren’t an original idea?

SARYN: No, they’re from a Jane Fonda sci-fi movie from 1968.

MAG: Oh.

SARYN: But that movie also had an organ that you sat naked inside of and then it was supposed to orgasm you to death when it was played.

MAG: Wait, what?

SARYN: That’s part of the plot. But Jane Fonda was way too awesome, so she broke the sex organ.

CAL: You mean like, you get naked inside of a giant piano, and then someone plays Phantom of the Opera or something, and it makes you climax?

SARYN: Yea. To death. You just keep knocking them off rapid fire until you dehydrate or your heart stops or something like that. It sounds pretty kinky.

MAG: That’s terrible.

SARYN: Well the alternative is future sex pills, which don’t even involve penetration.

FROST: Yea I think I’d rather get machine #*(&#036;%%@ to death by a creepy sex instrument.

RHINO: YO SCREW ALL OF THIS, THE FUTURE SUCKS. NO XBOX, NO PENETRATION, WACKY F*** MACHINE ORGANS, I DIDN’T GET CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN TO WAKE UP TO THIS S#&amp;&#036;.

MAG: Yea, well that’s what happens when the fans *@##&#036; and moan. Everything gets ruined for everyone.

SARYN: Wait, does the future have Doritos Locos tacos?

MAG: Honey, cows have been extinct for the last 3,000 years. There’s no processed beef anywhere, much less at Taco Bell.

SARYN: F*** this, I’m gonna go commit suicide by orgasm in the Jane Fonda sex piano.

RHINO: YO GET IN LINE, THANKS FOR NOTHING, READERS.

CAL: Yea you guys really #*(&#036;%%@ this up for everyone.

MAG: Wait! Cal! We haven’t had sex yet! The readers want to see us finally consummate our relationship!

CAL: With hand-holding screw pills?

MAG: Well, yeah.

FROST: Ha! what a joke! The first time Cal is about to get it in and its in the sexless designer drug braingasm future! Way to screw it up, readers.

BAN: What’s going on guys?

RHINO: THE FUTURE SUCKS, WE’RE ALL GONNA GO KILL OURSELVES IN JANE FONDA’S F*** PIANO.

BAN: You mean the orgasm organ from Barbarella? I fuckin love that thing! I wish we had one of those for NYMPHOTRON! Can I play it?

SARYN: Well I guess someone has to play it for it to work, it might as well be you.

BAN: Awesome. Let me run back to my place to pick up my sheet music.

[Doozy84]

BAN: So what do you think of that new guy?

SARYN: Who, me?

BAN: Well yea, isn’t he kind of your speed?

SARYN: I’m dating Frost.

BAN: We all kind of thought after things got rocky with him you might take a chance on the new guy.

SARYN: Why? We’re better than ever. He just needed a little boyfriend training, we’re totally back in the saddle.

BAN: Well, you’re goth, he’s goth. We figured you guys would get along.

SARYN: The new guy is goth? Have you met him out of frame?

BAN: Well no, but his name is Nekros and he looks spooky.

SARYN: Nekros. Really? Why didn’t they go with Mumm-Ra or Skeletor? Those already taken?

BAN: He raises dead and terrifies mobs and stuff.

SARYN: Banshee, watching Nightmare Before Christmas doesn’t make you goth. Its not even really a goth movie.

BAN: It isn’t? What’s a goth movie then, Lydia Dietz?

SARYN: Did you just call me the girl from Beetlejuice?

BAN: Yea, you like that?

SARYN: Not bad. Ember should take notes. And yes, that is a good example of a goth movie. You can’t just be all bones and halloween S#&amp;&#036;. It has to be genuinely weird or have esoteric social commentary.

BAN: What?

SARYN: Oh come on, this is easy. Goth is counter-culture, dear. The people who moved into the Beetlejuice house were nihilistic yuppies that wanted to market the haunting as a thrill ride. That’s why they weren’t scared until Beetlejuice started antagonizing them.

BAN: So you have to hate yuppies to be a goth?

SARYN: It helps. Being spooky by itself isn’t goth.

BAN: Ok that’s one movie. What else you got?

SARYN: Come on dear. Edward @(*()&#036; Scissorhands.

BAN: So are all goth movies Tim Burton movies?

SARYN: F*** no, he stopped trying. Nightmare and Corpse Bride are just halloween movies with Danny Elfman soundtracks. They’re about as goth as Twilight.

BAN: Twilight isn’t goth?

SARYN: I will do things to you that will shock and humiliate you. Hurtful things.

BAN: What?

SARYN: Sparkly vampires are not goth. If Bram Stoker isn’t involved, vampires aren’t goth.

BAN: I had no idea it had so many rules.

SARYN: Of course it has a bunch of stupid rules, its counter-culture!

BAN: I thought it was just a shelter for disillusioned teenagers that lived in the middle of nowhere and smoked cigarettes and wore fishnets and hated their parents!

SARYN: Well obviously! That’s exactly what it is! Who do you think made up all the rules? You can’t have a counter-culture movement without a bunch of arbitrary rules!

BAN: Isn’t it not about self-expression anymore then? That’s stupid.

SARYN: Well obviously its stupid, its created by teenagers. They don’t fit in, so they make something up where they do, and then they make up their own rules for that to keep it exclusive. This isn’t news!

BAN: That’s stupid and it doesn’t make sense.

SARYN: You were a band geek in high school, weren’t you?

BAN: Wait, how did you know?

SARYN: Honey, I’m a goth. I’m an expert on stupid counter-culture. You were in band.

BAN: What does that have to do with anything?

SARYN: You did band stuff, and you had band geek stigma. There were rules. Even if you didn’t follow them, you still weren’t a cheerleader or a football jock, you still got pigeon-holed. That’s how high school works.

BAN: Where are you going with this?

SARYN: So you knew all the made up band geek rules were stupid right, but you still kind of went with it, because you were in band.

BAN: GET OUT OF MY HEAD

SARYN: How is goth any different now?

BAN: But why do you continue to follow a trend if you know that’s its dumb? Why do you defend it?

SARYN: Well one, because it pissed off my parents, and when I was 15 that was a good enough reason to do anything. Two, because my black clothes matched all my fetishwear when I was doing that so I never had to keep more than one wardrobe, three- I have really sensitive skin and I burn like a slice of bacon in the sun so I might as well pick a fashion where pale is chic, and four- I love vampy old school pinup queens like Morticia Addams and Elvira.

BAN: Oh. That makes sense I guess.

SARYN: Thank you.

BAN: So you’re not interested in the new guy at all, Vampirella?

SARYN: Hell no, I’ve got a boyfriend. And I wouldn’t date a guy just cause he’s goth. That’s stupid. I’d rather not date goth people.

BAN: What? Why? wouldn’t that be a mutual interest?

SARYN: No, that’s like dumb guys who think gamer girls are attractive. You don’t need your significant other to be invested in every stupid little part of your life, especially if the stupid part in question is playing Madden or League of Legends for 6 hours a day between missions. Do you really want to do something like that with your boyfriend? Getting into constant arguments about lanes and roles and fumbled virtual passes? Its just more stupid S#&amp;&#036; to argue about. Ember’s right about that one. Mutual interest is cute when you start dating and you have no idea what you have in common, but the more annoying S#&amp;&#036; you do together, the more annoying S#&amp;&#036; you’ll argue about. Let the boys play xbox, its safer that way.

BAN: Alright, just so we’re clear, if the new guy is cute, I can have him.

SARYN: Is that what this is all about?

BAN: What?

SARYN: I thought you said you didn’t date coworkers. Or was that you pretending to be Loki? Or was that Rhino?

BAN: Well if he’s hot some rules might get broken. And you did know that Rhino and Nova are hooking up on the sly, right?

SARYN: I didn’t really pry enough to figure that out, no.

BAN: How could you not see it?

SARYN: I was dealing with my own S#&amp;&#036;.

BAN: Well they are, so much for that rule.

SARYN: Well they aren’t dating dear, its 2 different things. Frankly I applaud them for keeping it professional. They’re right, dating fellow tenno is a mistake. I’m living proof of that.

BAN: Then why are you still doing it?

SARYN: Because he’s kind, gentle, and he has this swerve in his-

BAN: WHAT

SARYN: Its the best. You see you get like this way, and then he comes in from there, and its curved so it-

BAN: NO WAY.

SARYN: Mmm-hmm. Right in the sweet spot.

BAN: Wait, can you even say that?

SARYN: As if they’ll know what I’m talking about.

BAN: That’s not really-

SARYN: Well, the girls won’t get it. But the women will.

[Doozy84]

Today’s agenda, throw the datamass up in the console

go to the bridge, take the captain for a stroll.

Feeling strangest if no credits exchanges

I’ve got tenno arrangements to leave these grineer brainless

All they tote is stainless, you just remain as

Calm as possible, make the deal go through.

If not, here’s a Lato, we know how you do.

Please make your extraction clean, arrows in between,

Their eyes like Paris Prime, pin em and flee the scene.

Just bring back the credits and your team.

Or else, your life is on the shelf. We mean this Frank,

These tenno cats put catalysts in Fomor gas tanks.

Lets get these credits baby, they shady? We get Shade.

Pop ultis and smoke bombs and slice em with zorens and gorgons.

Then they come to take our oro-kons. That’s all out.

F*** the fallout, level 8 Stretch, I bet they P****.

The seven digits push me? F***** real. Here’s the deal.

I got a hundred potatoes, 20 plats a piece.

Enough to cop new frames, buy a house on the beach.

Supply the peeps with jeeps, potato apiece, capice?

Everyone be gettin credits no one considered a leech.

Think about it now, that’s damn near 1.5, I kill em all I’ll be set for life.

Frank pay attention, these other tenno is henchmen.

Renegades, spend revives, they still get paid, extra probably.

F*** Loki, I’m the boss. Promise you’ll revive them.

“I promise”

Of course you know I had my fingers crossed...

GRINEERS BLEED JUST LIKE US

Picture me being scared of a grineer that breathes the same air as me.

GRINEERS BLEED JUST LIKE US

Picture me being shook, we can both pull vipers let the motherf***** beef cook.

GRINEERS BLEED JUST LIKE US

Picture a tenno hiding, my life in that man’s hands while he’s just deciding.

GRINEERS BLEED JUST LIKE US

I’d rather go toe-to-toe with all of ya’ll.

Runnin’ ain’t in my protocol.

[-CdG-Revo]

Holy damn...I am,reading the first page on my phone and it took me 5 minutes to get to the reply

but anyway, love the puns, insults, jokes.

a bit long to read but still +1

[Un1337ninj4]

I know, just got here myself, but it's very entertaining! read for a couple of hours last night.

[DeltaF0rce]

Read and loved everything.