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So You Want (Insert Warframe Here)


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                                                              So You Want to Get an Ember.

   Ember doesn't have a system. She just ignites everything around her and cackles in her head. If you really want an Ember, do this.

   Items needed:

1) Flame retardant box. The bigger and fire proofier the better.

1) A length of flame retardant twine. Ought to be long enough to be out of range of FB and WoF.

1) A stick. Simple.

As many as possible) Lighters. Tonnes of them. You got 'em? Good. Get more.



   Tie your twine to your stick, making sure that the knot will not come loose. Now, place the stick in an upright position, putting the lip of the box on the top of the stick in such a way that the box is propped up. Place all the lighters under the box, and hide behind a bush whilst still holding the other end of the twine. (Make sure it's the end without the stick.) Start making sounds like flint striking steel. It's the mating call of the Ember. 

   Now, within ten to twenty minutes, you should attract an Ember. Stay quiet, and make sure she doesn't see or hear you. This is the crucial part. When she notices the lighters, she should attempt to crawl under the box to nick the things. The second she's fully under the box, pull that string like your mom is on the end of it and she's about to be eaten by ravenous COD players. If done right, the Ember should be caught underneath the box. Allow her to expend her energy casting FB and WoF, then wait a bit more. She may be a smart Ember and have polarised her aura slot to be able to fully utilise Energy Siphon. When you're sure she's tuckered out, take the box off and negotiate terms with her. The average price of getting an Ember to work for you is around 100-150 butane refill canisters a month.

  Enjoy your brand new Ember! If this guide worked for you, be sure to check out our other great works! (So You Want to Tranq a Rhino? So You Want to Beat Nyx in Chess? So You Want to Troll Loki? and many more to come!)




(I'll probably make more of these if I feel like this one was liked enough. If you guys have any suggestions for which Warframe I should do next, just put them in the comments and I'll try to think of a way that you can obtain them.)

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                                                                                      So You Want An Excalibur

   So, you want a Slash Dashing, Super Jumping, blinding man on your squad? An Excalibur sounds like it's right up your alley! Hailing from times of unicorns and knights of old....(Editor's note: The author has his timeframe wrong. Shortly after writing this, the Stalker paid him a visit. Here is the correct guide, from a new author!)

   An Excalibur is a great frame for a starter, able to take out or thin hordes of hungry hungry chargers (a fun game available from our fine, fine, line of products!). As expected, catching one to work for you isn't exactly a walk in the park. Here are the items you need:
1) Finely made sword. You should visit a professional blacksmith for this, but feel free to do it yourself. You bought this book, we aren't liable for any damage. ​(By reading this step, you hereby relinquish the right to sue us for any damage done to you, anyone else, or anything else.)

1) Shovel.
1) Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, make sure it's creamy. Excaliburs hate that crunchy stuff.
1) Tarp
1) Overhanging object.

1) Length of string.

   Attach the sandwich to the string, making sure that the sandwich won't fall out of the knot. Tie the string to the overhanging object (be it a tree, a support beam, or an enemy stuck in the air by a Vortex.), making sure the ground underneath is able to be dug through. Using your shovel, dig a pit about 18 metres deep, and just as much wide to ensure that the Excalibur has a hard time Super Jumping or wall flipping out, but lord help you if he knows how to use Super Jump to infinite wall run. Cover your pit with the tarp. Now, walk back and forth, making sure not to step into your pit, swinging the sword and proclaiming loudly how great it is. If done properly, you should attract the attention of at least one Excalibur. 

   When the Excalibur starts to approach you, try to get the pit between you two, and hope that the Excalibur doesn't have any Continuity mods equipped. Taunt him with the sword, telling him he isn't fast enough to get it. If you're good enough at this, he should get jealous and try to Slash Dash to you. Done properly, he should hit the sandwich (what did you think it was for?), stop his dash, and fall into the pit. At this point it's simple bartering with him to get him into your service. Enjoy your new Excalibur!

(Sorry about how long that one took, had to help my gf take in the groceries and put them away. I'll do Nyx, then Nova next.)

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                                                                                    So You Want a Nyx.

  A Nyx makes a fine Warframe, what with being able to easily defeat Nef Anyo at the annual Corpus Crewmen Chess Open. To get your own to be able to win at this prestigious competition (or to make enemies bicker violently with one another about who's turn it is to clean the latrines), just gather these simple items and follow these simple steps.

  Items needed:
1) Chess set.
1) A roll of tinfoil.
1) An old Cuban man who knows how to play chess.
1) Metal net.

  Now, set up the chess set, making sure that it's in an open area like a park. Once you're certain that the set is in the right place, employ your Cuban man (or, if in a pinch, an old and grumpy white man) to sit and play chess with anyone that comes by, making sure to also get him to wear a 'festive' hat made of tinfoil. Equipping your own tinfoil hat, hide a somewhat fair distance away with your net. Given enough time, a Nyx will smell the chess pieces, which are a staple of her diet. Curiosity will drive her to the source of the scent, and upon seeing the perfect chance to hustle some chess, she'll enter a match with the man. Now, for the crucial part.
  Sneak up quietly behind Nyx as she's engrossed in what (for her, due to the hats) is a challenging match for her. Once you're within throwing range, net her. Make sure your hat stays on! Being unable to control your mind due to the tinfoil, she'll frantically enter into bargaining with you. The best thing to do is assure her that you'll feed her a steady diet of chess pieces, and you'll have a Nyx under your command.



(Nova will take a bit, I need to eat and formulate a plan for catching a frame I don't have yet. XD)

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YAY you did Nyx!

and how did you know I wanted her to play a chess match?

I didn't. Some of these I thought of ahead of time, and what would go best with them. Ember and Excali are improv, Nyx and a few others will actually be planned, and Nova...Nova is going to be trying to be sciencey and failing miserably. XD Now, off to write Nova's guide!

Edit: Also, most of these are going to be using stereotypes about the frames. These guides do NOT represent how I view them.

Edited by NixeonLow
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  • 3 weeks later...

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