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Gashslapper

My first attempt at fan fiction

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Posted (edited)

Decided to try something new during quarantine and take a stab at some creative writing. https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490147

It's from the viewpoint of a Tenno named Hachi who takes a bounty from a lady she meets on Cetus who may have found an Orokin vault on the plains.
 
Always open to writing critique/advice that will help me improve.

Description: Tenno Hachi is an unstoppable juggernaut on the battlefield with her Heavy Blade and Shotgun, but as a black transgender woman, she is insecure and unsure of herself in social interactions. When she accepts a job from Sara, an ex-Corpus salvager now living on Cetus who insists on coming with her for the job, Hachi is forced to deal with her and more.

 

Edited by Gashslapper
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Not insecure and unsure, but a woman of lovely character and most entertaining protagonist. 

All those descriptive conversations and flowing narratives bring the world we know to life in a unique way. 

It inspires me to write more, and I hope you would too. ❤️

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Posted (edited)

I thought it was adorable. Hachi and Sara are great characters and great together. Their relationship seems to be the focus, but you didn't skimp on story or environmental details. There was just enough of both to keep me intrigued all the way through, and it makes me excited to keep writing about my own Tenno's relationship.

I'm most curious about Ariane now. Hachi and her had a fascinating relationship for a Tenno and Frame, and that was before the events of the end. That memory sequence was perfectly disjointed and dreamlike, leaving me puzzling out the real meaning behind it. Now that Ariane seems to be an actual character, I'm excited to see where that goes. My only question is, what Frame is she? I'd guess Khora by her minimal description, but she could be something new.

 

(also little typo at the start of "So I head out the airlock")

Edited by (NSW)0nuku
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Just gave it a read over the past couple days, for a first attempt this is pretty well written! I enjoyed the descriptions you gave in many parts, especially in the derelict and past that, like with the memories. These scenes in particular evoked memories of my play experience in game and I could easily picture Hachi's frame hacking and slashing. 

The main thing I'm noticing is occasional grammar and spelling errors, I would give your sentences another read-through. Those are pretty minor of writing issues however so I wouldn't worry about them too much. 

Your characters were also fun to read too, their dynamics worked well together and it made me happy to read about how they interacted with each other. Their interactions seemed natural, and I look forward to seeing more of the two. 

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Thanks for the feedback all. Regarding the frame I kept it ambiguous (leaning towards new) for now as I didn't want to re-write or add to any specific frame or character's existing lore.

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