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[Fan-Fiction] A Moment In The Life Of A Corpus Tech


ssfsx17
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This is what I imagine happens when you're not busy capturing Corpus techs.

 

----

 

It was so good to be on a planet with an actual breathable atmosphere. Sam didn't have to wear a clunky box helmet. He kept the rest of his suit on, though, as he didn't want to get stung by a sand ray again. The last time that happened, the Grineer kept on pulling down his pants to show everyone where the sand ray had left its mark.

 

What was not so great, though, was the condition that this moisture farm was in. As if the rust wasn't enough, the Grineer simply kicked it and shot it whenever it didn't work, which was at least five times a day. It was an ancient model, with a built-in coffee dispenser that required actual coffee beans - what a luxury! Sam had only gotten to taste true coffee once, when his boss took him out golfing.

 

A yellow-suited trooper looked over Sam's shoulder. "Hey tech, what's up?"

 

Sam stammered, "Oh, uh, I'm just looking at the transaxial carburetors to see if they're aligned with, uh, the, uh, the hydraulic..."

 

"Yeah that's cool, what's your favorite beer?" Some of the trooper's buddies were sauntering over too. Sam didn't like it when groups of them came over like this.

 

"I, uh, it's, my favorite beer is Pink Ribbon."

 

The trooper laughed heartily. "Bwahahahaha! We gonna show you some REAL beer tonight, son!"

 

A lancer shoved the trooper aside. "Shut the ---- up, trooper, nobody likes you. So, Sam, you play any sports?"

 

"I like to go, uh, rock climbing and hiking, you know, uh, they're really relaxing."

 

"Rock climbing... huh... is that like... there's, like, that rock over there, you get on top of it?"

 

"Well, no, it's more like, uh, like, there's a wall with rocks on it and..."

 

"Whatever, so when are we getting water?"

 

Sam hated it when people asked him when it would be done - whether his boss at home or the brutes over here. "I'll let you all know when it's done."

 

The Grineer did not go away. They sat down in a half-circle behind Sam. Didn't they have guard duty or something?

 

The trooper tried to get back into the conversation. "Dude, Sam, I just wanted to say that we really appreciate you being here bro, I mean, we got this contract thing going on..." He wrapped an arm around Sam and petted his stomach. "Like, do you have, like, family photos or somethin'? Like a selfie from your sister? Can you do me a solid and send me like a pic of your sister?"

 

"Well, I don't have a sister..."

 

"That's cool what about your mom or your cousin? You got any selfies from them?"

 

"I, uh, I don't think they would want..."

 

The trooper slipped Sam a baggie of blue dust. "Dude, I can hook you up, you scratch my back, I scratch yours, you know what I'm saying?"

 

The lancer smacked the trooper away. "Shut the ---- up, trooper, you are a ----ing stupid dumb ----, and your ---- is weaksauce. I bet Sam here could make stronger ---- than you. Hey, Sam, don't talk to that trooper, he's just pissed that a ballista won't sleep with him."

 

All the Grineer except the poor trooper laughed raucously. One of them added, "But she slept with me twice yesterday! Everyone loves my baton, if you know what I'm talking about!"

 

A shadow fell upon them, cast by a skinny but well-decorated man with custom armor. He had a burning cigar in his mouth and a set of stolen Afuris adorning his hips. "Rise in the presence of your elders, you ----ing effeminate schoolboys!"

 

Most of the Grineer rose and saluted, but one flipped the bird. "Why the ---- should we rise for an old weak man?"

 

The elder Grineer grunted, "Let me show you some old-school military discipline you dumb ----." He drew his Afuris and put fifty bullets into the younger Grineer's face, blowing it open and spraying Sam with bits of brain and skull. "Any other questions? That is, if your infantile peanuts of brains can even conceive of them? No? Good. It is time for the daily twenty minutes of hate."

 

Sam normally did not participate, but there was always some strong beer afterwards, and today he decided that he really needed it. So, he too turned to attention.

 

The old holographic projector wheezed into life, showing a grainy 3-D video with bits of static. It was of the two sisters, draped in patriotic flags atop a lush green mountain, accompanied by what appeared to be millions of lancers standing in perfect formation. They all spoke in unison, "Our ideological enemies continue to aggress against freedom and liberty! There can be no compromise with the subversive and seditious elements! If our vigilance should ever falter, they shall despoil our beautiful innocent virgins! They wear demonic infested garments that disseminate virulent pestilence! They do not believe in the true gods! They are socialist communist conspirators who share resources, and that is a mortal sin! They have socialist health care and set up death panels to sentence everyone else to death! We shall burn their books! We shall fight them wherever they are! We shall purge our churches of the impoverished! We shall fight for our peaceful and wealthy country and our way of life! Whoever that dies in glorious battle will receive 27 platinum in the afterlife! For the glory of the Democratic People's Republic of the Grineer!"

 

The elder officer almost shed a tear from his patriotic emotions. He saluted as if the sisters were present in the flesh to inspect him.

 

While cracking open a beer, one of the hellions said, "You know what... I have no idea what the ---- half of those words meant, but I am pissed as hell and I think we need to ----ing kill those ----ing scum."

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I figure, when you forfeit, your enemies capture you and take all your gear except for your skinsuit. And then you are getting broken out during the Rescue missions.

*takes of sunglasses* My god... Wait, does that mean if you forfeit in one warframe and then play a rescues mission would you be rescuing yourrself? But thats impossible because you cant be there and Ive gone cross eyed

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