The Deimos cookbook for unusual and unexpected eating (somewhat illustrated).

[Finkelfantomen]

Welcome dear friends to this first edition of the Deimos cookbook for unusual and unexpected eating! We are pleased to bring you the hippest recipes for the most adventurous taste buds. It has taken a grand survey of the Deimos topography and even grander expeditions into its inner sanctums to finally be able to bring you this complete work of culinary art.  So, prepare to learn how you can create THE dinner party experience that your friends and families will speak of for years to come!

Wishing you success/

Maximus Repono and Gesturum Pontus. – Former Corpus, but now freelance explorers both in the universe as well as universal cooking.

 

Starters:

Recipe 1:  Undazoa tapas (four servings)

Not everyone is accustomed to the kitchen of Deimos so you want to start out lightly. These appetizing sandwiches however will make sure your guests never forget their first encounter with the Cambion culinary drift!

 

Ingredients:

One Undazoa. Tenderized for at least two weeks after dissection.

One Garlic bread, fresh.

A handful of pickled Cryptilex eggs

Three spoons of dried and crushed Deimos seagrass.

Sixteen Velocipod wings.

A cup of sour Deimos juggernaut milk.

Instructions:

1 Cut four slices of garlic bread. Place the slices on separate platters.

2 Mix the pickled eggs with the crushed seagrass and juggernaut milk. Stir with a spoon, or preferably a Carnis raptorial leg since they are something no cook should be without. It is ready when your eyes start to water. If your guests like salty food don’t hesitate to let a few tears enter the cream. The best food is not just cooked with heart and soul, but also a pinch of salty tears.

3 Butter up the bread with the cream, but just enough to make it slightly moist.

4 Gently remove the Undazoa legs (although if it isn’t tenderized enough a small yank might be needed). Place a leg on each bread slice.

5 Gently smear the rest of cream over the Undazoa legs. Make sure the most cream stay on top on the muscular upper part.

5 Decorate with four Velocipod wings each.

Be ready to surprise your guests! This is a dish that will reach and tease their noses even before you have left the kitchen with it! At our recipe trials both our test groups started to cry even before tasting it! Instant success! Shared meal, shared tears!

 

Main courses:

You can never go wrong with fish. And cooking with Deimos makes it so easy! There is practically no need for seasoning since the fish naturally marinate themselves in the… interesting water in the Cambion drift. No cup of water ever tastes the same. Still this dish will stick out from anything your guests have ever tasted before.

Recipe 1:  Glutniox la siesta (four servings)

Ingredients:

One Glutinox, medium size, that has been fermenting for at least half a day inside a Deimos Juggernaut.

One Rolizor infested cyst.

One Spitia infested cyst.

One cup of Chondricord roe.

One cup of mucous glands from a Deimos Carnis.

A pinch of Deimos salt crystals, made from well-grounded Thaumica.

An Arca plasmor and a melee weapon of your own choice.

Instructions:

1 Chop both Cysts well, then mix them with the Chondricord roe in a large bowl.

2 Start adding drips of Carnis mucous glands until the sauce starts boiling on its own. Max one cup or you will need to sanitize your kitchen from the mixture self-exploding.

3 Taste the mixture. If your tongue gets numb, then wait 2 minutes before adding some Deimos salt. What you are aiming for is just a slight electric tickle in the tongue.

4 Gut the Glutinox and cut the flesh into cubes that can fit in your palm. Squeeze each cube hard before you put it into the saucepan. Don’t forget to wash your hands after, preferably with the same stuff you use after touching the Helminth.

5 Add the sauce mixture to the saucepan. Heat up until it stops boiling and then starts to boil anew.

6. Let it boil heavily for about 30 minutes. Hit anything that tries to crawl out of the pan with the melee weapon of your choice. Then fire an Arca plasmor into the sauce pan to kill the last of the surviving germs. Ready to serve!

We promise you that none, yeah that’s right NONE, of your guests will complain about your main course lacking in taste. Oh, and it is completely normal for every tenth guests head to explode.

 

 

Dessert:

Recipe 1:  Juggernaut cake (four servings)

So how can you top of such a marvellous introduction followed by a no less glorious main course? Well, the answer, of course, is a dessert that is as appetizing for the mouth as it is aesthetically lulling your eyes into gourmet heaven!

 

Ingredients:

One Deimos juggernaut head.

Four pounds of ice cream, made of pure Deimos Jugulus milk.

A Nosam plasma cutter

Sixty-two Undazoa eyeballs

One Gravid Blastema

Instructions:

1         Put the Undazoa eyeballs in the freezer overnight.

2         Use the Nosam cutter to scoop out the inside of the juggernaut head. Scrape the bones until they are paper thin.

3         Boil the head for three hours in a big enough cauldron. When the eyeballs unstuck themselves and pops up at the cauldrons surface with a *plop* then you can carefully take out the head and place it on the cake platter.

4         Fill the head with the Jugulus ice cream. Then also smear a thin layer on the outside.

5         Decorate with Undazoa eyeballs. Make sure to serve before the eyeballs thaw so they keep a bit of their crunchiness.

6         As crem de la crem squeeze out some Gravid Blastema juice and put it into a syringe. Inject the juice into the juggernaut heads tentacles. This will make them rise and the whole cake will adapt a more proper look for a special occasion like this.

There you have it. The Deimos grand finale! Your guests will have a hard time trying to match the culinary experience you have let them indulge in at your dinner party! And the best thing is that there won’t be any guests that overstay their welcome after dinner, since thirty minutes to an hour later they will feel a sudden urge to quickly take a shuttle back home for a prolonged stay at the bathroom, likely refreshening their memory of your daring and grandiose menu.  

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In another place at another time a faint *bleep* indicated that a new message had arrived to the ships comm device.

“Bloody hell Gesturum!” Maximus said. “The publishing company refused our cookbook! They write here that after reading our trial recipes we should be locked up or beaten, but perhaps preferably both???”

“Noobs!” the voice of Gesturum responded from the cockpit. “When exploring new worlds of taste there will always be those who cling to the old ways and refuse to even acknowledge new ways to experience life.”

Maximus sighed. “Oh well.. We still got the storage job at the Perrin sequence to keep the cash coming in.”

“When you think about it…” Gesturum shouted back, “Keping order in a storage room is just like following a recipe. Perhaps we’re meant to be storage chefs!”

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(Had to edit out some spelling errors and some formatting that whould have messed it up for people using dark theme. Hope it works for everyone now).

[larssnakes]

This is some of the most creative Warframe fan art i've seen in a while. I would buy this if it was an actual book.

[Finkelfantomen]

Thank you for those kind words! Feedback like that will keep me going. I have about hmm 7-8 other stories published here, but unfortunately only one of them (beside this one) illustrated. Thank you again. :)

[Tiltskillet]

Love this.

One question for you:  I'm hosting an informal dinnerparty and one of the guests is vegan.   Do I need to give up on Deimos cuisine entirely for this and maybe go Venusian?

[Finkelfantomen]

Well in any other place in the universe that would have been an easy question to answer. But Deimos is complicated. The border between animal and plant is fluid, and occasionally trying to put tentacles on each other to see who dominates.
I would say go with the Deimos cook book, and if it moves after serving, shoot it and say its Venusian.
 

[LionNocturne]

i love this.