Love, Food and... Deimos! (Fan fiction)

[Finkelfantomen]

The setting: The brand new, and luxurious, Corpus Pillar The Interestum (oooh it's sooo shiny!).
The place: The newly opened restaurant La Galaxie de gorumantantetete! The first in a line of modern restaurants where “fresh” and “innovative” was the guiding stars and “tradition” and “good enough for grandpa” was forbidden. It promised and intergalactic taste sensation never experienced before. And it delivered!

The mood: Romantic! (oh my!)

(For the illustrated recipes used in this story, see link at the end of the story)

The two lovers, and yes, they were formally engaged but still very much in love, entered the expensive establishment. The Corpus needed those in love too. Because if everyone only chased the shiny coins then there would be no more new corpus generations joining the ranks. So, they needed people that took time off from profit to produce new little Corplings.  Soldiers didn't grow on trees. But then of course these two were convinced that their wealth would keep their eventual offspring from the frontline.

The male spoke, in what tried to be a sensual voice, “Incontinentia my dear. Please be seated.” He pulled back her chair, giving enough space for her extravagant outfit. It looked like a thousand tiny mirrors fighting a war of attrition.

“Oh Biggus, what a gentleman!” she exclaimed, in a well-rehearsed way. Her parent’s had taught her what’s important to get to the bookkeeping that awaits at the end. Her slight blush that followed was the real money-maker, and had taken many hours of practice to perfect.

Biggus smiled and sat himself down on the opposite side of the table. He had read “the art of the deal” before the date and felt well prepared. “This is a very special occasion, not just for us but for the restaurant itself. Tonight, the menu comes from a famous cookbook of the Deimos cuisine. I heard it is forbidden in several planetary systems. But rules only apply to the general folk. Aha, aha, aha. Apparently, the people responsible for the cookbook are also some of the most wanted men in the galaxy.” He smiled again. This would be a good evening. He felt it in his bones! And in that other thing…

“Wanted men! How exiting.” Incontinentia replied, giggling softly while fluttering her eyelashes.

A heartbeat later the waiter arrived. It was half man and half robotic. Probably some second class citizen from Fortuna trying to make ends meet up in the sky (space) instead of the smoke filled world below the ice. “Welcome madams and messieurs! Let me introduce tonight’s menu.” 

The pair looked up and the waiter smiled at them again. Or, he would have smiled if he had a mouth that is. Instead a robotic head was looking straight at them. It seemed like someone with a simple knowledge in welding had tried to make the face look more friendly. The arms and legs seemed human enough, but the rest was probably stolen from some distant scrapyard and then used to fill out the gaps between the moving parts. Cheap servitors reeked of their ancestry, namely cheapness!

“First, “ the robotic face said, without anything visibly moving around,  “We have the starter, the Undazoa tapas! They are sure to awaken your taste buds for the surprise that will follow. Namely the Glutinox la siesta, a wonderful Glutinox filet tenderised and seasoned in the local Deimos fauna. Finally, the coup de grace! The tentacle la crème, an exquisite juggernaut cake! I promise you a night to remember. Would you like something to drink while waiting for the starter? Madam?”

The two rich lowers scanned the digital menu in front of them.

“A glass of Dendrite blastoma wine.” Incontinentia said, with some consideration but purposefully leaving out the “thank you” since servants didn’t have enough value to be valued that much.

Biggus followed her order with “I’ll have a glass of Pustulent… cannot read that… Nodule beer for me, good man.” He felt in his… bones that he would get lucky tonight and that made him high on adrenaline. Otherwise, he would have requested the waiters bank account balance before deciding to call him a good man, or not.

“Certainly. I’ll be back in an instant.” The waiter said, turned and vanished towards the bar area.

A few minutes later he returned. “Your drinks. Enjoy, and be sure to take time to savour the many nuances of Deimos.”

He placed  a wine glass filled with red liquid in front of Incontinentia. Then a beer glass filled with something blue, with hints of orange, beside Biggus. “I’ll be right back with the starter.” He then once again turned and vanished.

Glad to be just the two of them again Biggus smiled towards his date and spoke softly. “Incontinentia, my precious. Your eyes are like diamonds tonight. Sharp and valuable to look at.”

“Biggus…” she whispered back. “…my wine is moving about.”

“What?” he replied, somewhat taken out of the moment.

“It moves! Look!” she said while pointing a finger towards her glass.

The red liquid in her glass moved clockwise. Then a handful of bubbles appeared on its surface, and it changed direction.

They both started at the everchanging liquid until an almost silent *pop* broke the silence. Their gaze changed lane to Biggus beer. A small eye was looking at him from it. It even tried to wink, but without eyelids.

“What the hell?” Biggus shouted, “Waiteeer! What the hell is this?”

Suddenly the waiter was beside him again. “What? Oh that. It is perfectly normal for Deimos beverage to self-mutate, and/or perhaps move around a bit by itself. It has something to do with the fermentation process, I think. Nothing to worry about though. It is perfectly safe for humans to drink (he honestly didn’t know about the seven cases of spontaneous throat tentacles that had appeared in former guests).

“Well… when in Rome then…” Biggus said. He had learned to play by the rules until profit said not to. But he used a small spoon to remove the wiggling eye before taking a sip of his beer. 
“By Parvos!” he exclaimed a few seconds later. “This might be the best beer I’ve tasted!”

Incontinentia stared him for a few seconds and then decided to be no lesser competitor this evening and took a sip of her own drink. As usual, anything with alcohol made her blush even more, but somehow this wine made her blush start moving around her face. After a while the blush from either cheek started fighting a war on her nose tip. 

*Bang*

*Bang bang bang*

The sound of metal hitting other metal parts, as well as something that probably was wall tiles, demanded their attention. It was coming from the kitchen area.
“Come here you!” an unknown voice yelled.

*BANG*

Silence followed for a while.

They both yanked a bit when the waiter, a few seconds later and like a space ninja, suddenly appeared by their side again. “The Undazoa tapas… Make sure to give them time on your tongue long enough to let every little flavour attack you.”

The waiter placed one plate each for them. They shook for a few seconds and then lay still. The plate had some brownish bread at the bottom, a black golf ball like thing on it and some yellow, pink sauce on it’s top. It was decorated with four small wings that was probably yanked from something else and placed there for their entertainment. 

“Enjoy!” he said in his most waitering voice, and then disappeared.

The lovers looked down at their starter with some scepticism in their eyes. 

Biggus grabbed a fork and was about to poke the strange thing in front of him with it.

The wings fluttered and the starter moved out of the fork’s way.

He tried a more forceful stab in its direction.

The plate hummed slightly and moved the other way.

Incontinentia showed some initiative and slammed her hands down on the plate. “Get it!” she hissed. She was perhaps not paying for this meal (probably not) but she knew very well how expensive this place was.

With the help of his lover in arms he managed to stab the starter with his fork. It had no visible mouth but still somehow managed to give out a faint squeak of pain and death.

They stared at it for a few seconds, and then worked like a tag team of pro-wrestlers to help Incontinentia kill her starter too. Then they ate in silence. Luckily it tasted better than it looked (or smelled).

After a while, and before it became awkward, the silence was interrupted by a *Ka-whom*, once again  coming from the kitchen, as well as a smell of burned flesh.

Biggus stiffened and exclaimed “By Parvos! If I’m not mistaken that was an Arca plasmor rifle. I used those in my two weeks mandatory military service.” (It should have been two years, but his father was really, really rich.)  

Another plasma shotgun blast followed. And after a few seconds it was accompanied by the *whack whack whack* of some blunt instrument.

*Whack!*

The kitchen was finally silent, and so was the dining room full of guests who now had their full attention fixed towards the kitchen door.

*Ka-whoom, Ka-whoom, Ka-whoom*

A few seconds of silence followed…

Then the waiter exited the kitchen area and walked happily, with as much nuance as a robot face can express, towards the pair, but now with a slight stagger from some recent injury. “Your main course is ready, my most honoured guests!” He was carrying a large plate containing an exclusive platinum bowl, glittering of “this must have been very expensive so respect it” things. It was filled with something that bubbled and oozed. It gave off smoke too.

He served a pair of deep bowls and laid out a fresh spoon for each of the loving, but perhaps for now slightly less aroused, couple. 

Hesitantly they tried a spoonful each. It was delicious! And it didn’t move about by itself in their mouths!

“Oh Biggus!” Incontinentia said after a few bites. “This is a wonderful dinner. Your company alone would be valuable like a no limit credit card.”

“Incontinentia darling…” Biggus replied, with his most erotic voice. “This food might be expensive (and yes it was, very darn expensive, thank you very much) but just to lay my eyes on you is nutrition for my heart. All the galaxies most highly rated restaurants could not compete with the culinary experience of your mere presence. “ He grabbed her left hand in his right, and gave her the look he hoped would impress her the most.

It didn’t. But she still replied with a, by now, well trained blush and smile. “Oh Biggus…”, she waited a few seconds for a dramatic and arousing pause before continuing, “I feel that we two have…” 

The couples coupling was interrupted by a loud scream. It sounded like someone being attacked by something that had sharp teeth, and probably many of them. Once again it came from the kitchen.

Another scream followed, soon accompanied by multiple persons yelling in panic. Then one voice broke off the general panic and formed some words. “The dessert is eating the cook! For Parvos sake! Send in some stormtroopers!!!”

Then there was an “AAAaaaarhg….”, followed by the sound of something slicing meat, and then a “Not my leg! Not my… Aaaaargh!”

The next sound was something like that if this had been a gameshow then the contestant would have guessed “Is this the sound of someone being eaten alive by a Kavat?”.
 

*Blam!*

*Whack whack whack!*

Silence.

Then the waiter exited the kitchen. His arms full of scratch marks and his pants stained with spots of fresh blood.

He stopped at the lovers table, took a few seconds to regain his breath, and then dropped a silvery plate on the table. Then he fell back and shook a few times on the floor before laying still. Blood gushing, not out of his robotic mouth but some other cavity, distorted the final dying words of the waiter saying “…Your…dessert… Enjoy…”. Then a gurgling sound followed before it became a faint cough and then nothing more. 

Before them was now a large pyramid of fleshy mass, sporting a mouth filled with short but sharp teeth, surrounded with several tentacles covered in eyes. They eyes fixed their gaze on the pair and the tentacles sniffed the air. It invited them to try eating it. Try me!

The guests stood up in unison and shouted, “Check please!”. Every single one of them had had enough of things rising up and causing trouble, so there would be no production of new Corplings tonight.
________________________________________________________________________________
In another part of the galaxy a computer screen turned alive and displayed an incoming message.

One of two pilots in the cockpit looked at it, rubbed his eyes, read it, and then shouted: “Bloody hell Gesturum! Apparently our cookbook has made six new planets add us to the list of men wanted for crimes against humanity!”

“What?”, the one named Gesturum responded, while awakening from a perfectly good nap.  “They stopped printing that one ages ago. Are we still hunted for it?”

“Seems so.” Maximus, the other one, said. “I guess thinking out of the box always brings the risk of annoying the conservative party in this universe.”

Gesturum pondered this and said “Might be so. But then everyone will be looking everywhere in the galaxy for us, which is good. Because then they wont be looking here, which isn’t everywhere, but the exact and specific point of Vay Heks retirement treasure vault.”

The two friends smiled at each other and fired up the welding torch.

(The illustrated recipes for the evening can be found here: 

 )