ra9una Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) Note: All of these, save steel meridian, where written before the release of syndicates, So along with it being a joke, keep that in mind before you vindicate. I've been distracted by all the hype, waiting anxiously for the update to be ripe. I've been besides myself, waiting for it to hit the shelf. So, trying to keep myself from this tizzy, I decided to write a few quick jokes to keep me busy. Remember, the key word here is satire, ..though nothing as extravagant as a sparkling vampire. -Enjoy Intro (A little long, and it derails half way through; lots of esoteric warframe humor mind you) Oh what a joy it is to watch, people making alliances. They have little to go on, yet they pick sides with extreme biases. Through logic or artifice, their syndicate, they will defend, and those who oppose, with excellent arguments, they will condescend. Oh what a joy it is, to watch player, with confidence and gusto proclaim, “This is my allegiance, my loyalty goes here in this political game.” I usually sit, watch and smile, I'll wave and say “Okay.” when it comes to my ultimate allegiance, I'll continue to delay. Oh what a joy you say it is? To watch me, in my indecision delay? “You lack loyalty, faith. Or are you just too cool, and must underplay?” Is that what you say? Why, you poor lost lamb, you could hardly be more astray. I'm so enthusiastic you don't even know, every revealed feature sets my eyes aglow during the live stream, I was like a jumping bean and I prepare, bracing my body, as it where, for update fifteen. I apologize, for wasting your time with this text, in this forum I'm not a poet, you can tell, I resort to using words like jorum to keep my rhymes from falling apart. I'm having fun, but would hardly call it art. While out of place and used only for it's structure, that is a word mind you, Jorum: large bowl for serving drinks, is, thanks to google, what you'll construe. Poetry most definitely isn't my cup of tea, but as a write of prose, I think you'll agree That a five hundred page book on the subject you would be unlikely to read, I suspect. I think I've derailed, much like the ever accelerating hype train might, but, reluctantly I suppose, just this once, it'll be alright. With sigils and syndicates unambiguous, and archwings being ubiquitous, update fifteen promises to be delicious. Still so much to look forward to, and so few words left to rhyme three hundred words in without even mentioning the legendary grate prime. On a final note, Steve, with your coding and technical mumbo jumbo, making you a Canadian, pink shorts clad Columbo. Scott, our demands for buffs and nerfs keep you scratching your magnificent beard, and no matter the rage, you take it in stride to asses the player feedback, justly feared. Geoff, with animations so good “How does one even pull that off!” I yell at my monitor, I kid, I'm not frustrated , I could learn black magic too, till then, count me an impressed auditor. Sheldon, breaking the dev build, an occasional jest, and there's no stopping you when you start. I'm not blind, you aren't just there to promote the maple leafs, in this game we love, you do your part. Rebecca and Megan, who, with unknown and probably arcane powers, keep some... some, order in this crazy, community of ours. I'd like to go on, for every one of you, but I don't think you realize how long this is to do. For me that is... I bet a legit poet would knock it out in a minute or two. Then laugh and say “Wow, this is so bad.” He'd then look at me and ask “Why so mad?” And he, is the reason Vauban has a launch pad. But that's besides the point, to all of you working hard to bring us this update Thank you very much, and on my part I'll try and not be an ingrate, and wait, patiently--is it time now-- for the update fifteen due date Holy RNG batman, can you believe I started talking about syndicates exclusively? And true twists and turns I went totally off subject, can I ever ramble effusively. Oh, the writing is so bad, I must stop, making you read this is just too cruel! Stop! Stop! Stop typing before I really make myself look like a fool! Honestly, it really isn't so bad, I've written much worse, it's an internet habit, being self-deprecating every other verse, helps quell the tirade of people being contentious, where as they are encouraged, in my natural state of pretentious. In the end, one might say, it's a fakade. Well isn't Cantis a pretty name? I think it's a great name. Though, being in the red veil, I'd wager she's one crazy dame. If you ask her, it's even prettier on a canvas, written in the blood of the enemy now maimed. I mean, not long ago, many red veil members were prisoners, thanks to our efforts reclaimed. And now that they're out, they're already on the offensive? “No cost too great, no blood too precious”, sounds expensive. It's wonderful! Do your thing, but don't count on me to save you, I don't mean to be harsh but, I've go other things to do. Seriously, these nutters want to purge the whole universe of corruption, but they need to call in outside back up for the slightest little disruption. I don't mean to bang on about the rescue, and I won't hold it over your head, but if you're going to pay for a feast, first make sure that you can afford the bread. The enemy is corrupt, you got that right, but there also ruthless and strong, unimaginably though, if you send those geniuses that got captured, thinking it will go well, think again cream puff. I don't want you to misunderstand, I'm not trying to insult your high command. I like your ideas, think they're good and respect them. I agree! Things I dislike are eradicated, by the hands of volt, mag or banshee. But what your lofty goals seem to omit, is that I am a super-soldier, with a magic exo-skeleton, and you are a group of squishy people, without space magic armor, only flesh, soft as gelatin. Those who lower their arms and quit, in the face of adversity, I have little respect for, and those who even fail to see the corruption, I'd go as far as to say I abhor. But please, you have to calm down, be reasonable, a violent purge right now simply isn't seasonable. To succeed, you must think tactically, even through stealth and sneaky staby, you can't fix the whole world at once, even if you're willing, the loss would be too great, you must, I urge you, calm the -Bleep- down and recognize you're being irate. New loka, what's up? I really do like your logo. I might help you, but I still think your goals are a no-go. I know Loka is “world” in Sanskrit, but do you know what loca is in Spanish? It's cuckoo for brains. Please, you think you'll end this conflict being clannish? I know humans, they aren't great. There are a few, I'll admit, who aren't dumb, but most are, not to mention the piles and troughs of villains, douches and scum. I don't mean to forsake, insult and desecrate the whole race. But come on! They barely had the technology to go to space! If you think the “pure human form” will save you from grineer bullets of unreasonable girth, then I'd make the conjecture that you did manage to grow something on earth. But I may be being too harsh, your goal is lofty, and you seem awfully set to it, I'll give you that. I would like to see you convince me, that humans aren't as a collective race, a brat. If I put away my less than impressed view for humans, I'd like also to point out, the earth is a small piece of the puzzle. Restoring it won't end the conflict, at least of that I doubt. And even were it true, to see that this is not the time to rebuild, you wouldn't need a wizard. Right now, restoring a planet, a culture, in this war, would be building a house of card in a blizzard. You seem blind, selfish and distracted, your plans unchanged, no matter how protracted I don't want to see you hammer your head painfully and without success against a steel wall, you need to take a page from the others and focus on this war, you can rebuild later after all. With a little perspective, maybe you'll see humans aren't all they're cracked up to be. It's impressive really, you've amassed many who will follow. But, what I say holds true, even if you find it hard to swallow. Knowledge is power, that's what they say, and I promise you, that isn't idle cliché. Yet, you may be a genius, Suda, you may be very smart, but so am I, more so even. In a league entirely apart. I know you're clever, calculated, tactical and tricky. But what I have, and you don't, is access to a wiki. I need to point out, you're a computer, a floating cube. Don't think I'm disinterested, don't think I'm a rube. I know; knowledge is all well and fine, but, you're defeated by a spilled cup of wine. When it's time to take up arms, all you can do is sound the alarms. And so help me, if you tell me “All systems nominal”, I'll be all in rage, peeved something phenomenal! I understand that destruction you deplore. Yet we're still playing a dynamic game of war. This is not a playground for even the most devote bookworm, you can't sit around studying the content of Kubr'O's in the long-term. I'm willing to be an observer, I'm willing to protect your server. But what can you do for me? I'm an expensive guardian you see. You may think I'm greedy and ethically seedy but my equipment costs me money. In fact were I to avoid killing, I'd need twice as much schilling! You may say I've grown callus and cold, but knowledge doesn’t buy gold. And for me to be so dangerous that the fighting I dissuade, I require something, rare and expensive, a costly blade. I can appreciate you're devoid of emotion. A logical, cold reasoning is a sound notion. There's some thing you seem to eschew, let me take a moment and enlighten you: “Suda's thirst for knowledge and abhorrence of destruction can only be described as passionate” it says. Well call me childish but to me that statement sits uncomfortably like an awkward little fez. Passionate: Showing or caused by strong feelings. Feelings: A case of emotional dealings. I like your sigil, my favorite shape is the hexagon, but you lack training and discipline, young cephalon. I also hear you're a vast consciousness, wide spanning. I bet that comes in quite useful, when your next move you're planning. But it leaves me wondering, with all the reach, all the processing power, what is it that you're planing up above in your ivory tower? Why being the intelligent creature I am I'd say you have a weapon more dangerous than a gram. And I'd say it's safe to stipulate, you might at any moment choose to manipulate. And I really like that, mind you I'm mad as a bat. It's true, I'm a complete and total psychotic, and to most my actions may seem quixotic. But that is the price I sadly must pay for being such a phenom, you can appreciate that, no price too great for intelligence, not even this maddening venom. You and I will get along swimmingly. Forfeiting our souls so willingly. But what of the others, who depend on common sense, I think the adaptation might be too immense. I think someone with all their sanity, won't be able to indulge your vanity. Nevertheless, hard as they may try, there's one thing, none will deny. You're another type on entity, one with an abstract, scary identity. You're another state of being, and through knowledge your ideas seem freeing. But as another type of consciousness, I suspect you'll send many fleeing. And alone with your knowledge what can you do? You know, just like me that it's true. Me, I like that at any time, you may seize control, it tickles my maniac fancy, and entices me to enroll. I'm not a loyalist, but if you happen to have an agreeable voice, well, I make no promises but that might settle my choice. But as I've establishes, I'm one of the crazies, and it isn't entirely unlike that my choice will leave me pushing daisies. Suda, a cephalon of knowledge, blue and holographic, messages worthwhile but stenographic. If it's this side you intend to take. Know you've been lied to about the cake. Arbiters of hexis, hell of a name that, but to a faction in a war, a name is but a fancy hat. I like where you're going, not limiting warframes to the armor of a warrior. Let's face it though, no warframe was built to be a quarrier. A skin of steel and void, built to protect. Hand armed with void and steel to slay. These are dangerous, certainly not toy and not simply tool for idle play. Large machines, in twine I can chop, I'm not tuned to open a coffee shop. Tenno do not possess social skills, we don't even talk! We content ourselves with our kills and off we walk. What, you want to make us stronger? Remove our bonds, make us live and kill longer? Are you kidding? We're already overpowered, anything daring to stand in our way gets devoured. A well trained tenno, almost anything they can annihilate, and the sanctity of life we have a tendency to violate. Simply standing in a room we can reduce the population by ten, none who are wise stand up or challenge us, nor women nor men. Please don't misunderstand, your idea is grand. I want power, I seek it always, it's all I do. But if you think you can elevate me with ideals, your mind is askew. I will grow stronger, and stronger, and I appreciate you consideration, however until you can prove a little more reasoned, I doubt it'll by your causation. Don't try and set objective truth where there is none. That bit is old, boring and overdone. You make me laugh, declaring yourself dogmatic. Many, to such confidence show themselves ecstatic. Personally I'm amused, if not phlegmatic. Big words, seemingly impressive ideas, just admit: You know it's true, I can tell, you're full of it. I am proud to see, that out there are still those, who train and refine themselves, to the fine point of the most delicate rose. Nonetheless, in your search for absolute truth you are conceded! No matter the situation, no matter the place, relativity is always needed. Show me you can do it, show me you mean your decree. After you show you mean what you say, maybe, we can agree. But you're still not there Arbiters, for this, you cannot be dogmatic. You must let go your pretension, focus on you ability, be pragmatic. Merchants fighting a war, hun? That's cool. I'd like to remind you I am a pure killing tool. I'm all for an elegant conclusion of this conflict, but the rules of war are strict. You're mistaken if you think the enemy you can squish, simply by raising the price of jellyfish. I take on the stalker, hek, krill and vor, the greatest of boasters, you sell, paint cans, laundry detergent and toasters. You can buy the best weapons, have the nicest ships, put all on your side, except conflict doesn't follow the scripts. You fail to see even, that most tenno are millionaires, and that never helps. I don't mean to point it out but get a clue squares! Money and objects won't get us all that far, not in this blood shed, not in this war. Your tech I might be interested in, maybe if you could make a decent side arm that could win. Or may be if you'd cater to my wilder fling? Think you can make Zanuka blueprints a thing? You misunderstand, I'm not cruel, I know how they're constructed. I'm doing this with reason, the reason is so many were abducted. I'm just trying to get my friends back that's all, it's no shady affair. I'm just trying to get my friends back, a little alters, all told, worse for wear. Fine, my ethics are dubious, but that you should have foreseen. At least I'm not the one selling spaceshamwows and oxiumclean. You're lent to selling frozen goods with every communication, while the rest of use deal with a war and nearly face total eradication. “Restore order by bringing prosperity and direction” Good! Great! Wonderful! I have no objection. But what means, prey tell, have you calculated in this projection? You've got the desired result and you've taken care of the defection, but you're ultimate plan, the means to the end may need some more reflection. You can't count purely on tenno support, you won't always have our protection. Are you going to use your financial power for an insurrection? Because the grineer and corpus wont relinquish even a section. And the infested, that’s gonna be fun, don't expect any form of monetary affection. All thing considered, the problem isn't that you're plan is far from perfection. It's that you haven't got a plan to begin with, that is where you require correction. You may be the Burce Waynes of space, Rich and noble, over looking the fight with grace. But for all the money, the fame, success and the tact, remember, his toughest threats where a chick in spandex and a bad stand-up act. Dear steel meridian, don't think I've forgotten you. Here's what I think, I think you're a lot like bamboo: You're stronger than you look, hard to kill and when you attack, you send the enemy reeling. You're inconspicuous, yet impressive. And I'll admit, your lady is more than a little appealing. Still, remember bamboo is just tall grass. We'll see if you can compete with top brass. Grineer's defection looks like it took some guts, but to play on our stage, you'll need to be more than just not a klutz. If you were with the grineer than you've seen it before. A ship after a tenno passes through, bodies littering by the crore. I'm not trying to intimidate you or boast. You must admit though, we're stronger than most. And to help us, you must be able to match up, you won't be much help if your just playing catch-up. You and your organization seem quite respectable, now it's just a question of seeing if you're equally durable. I think gorilla warframe is very impressive, keeping the enemy at bay with tactical assaults always successive. It's not something I need though, I can be more aggressive, doted with the strength of a warframe, sometimes excessive. You seem like decent folks, trying to help the weak. And if you've got the dough, I've got the physique. What's with the face? Never heard of team greed? It isn't cheap to get us to accede. I'm sure some will help out, trying to do the right thing. But tenno, we're loot mongers, reward is king. I suppose that isn't much of a problem anymore Now that your offerings have unfurled. Especially considering the vaykor, the most powerful hand gun in the world. I'll admit, to get around to this I've taken my time. And you've made my job real hard, your every facet is sublime. While hard to make fun of, a submarine lime is not perfect. Your naive, childish, there's so much you neglect. Huddled in you HQ, donning hoods and guns, all estranged grineer daughters and sons, with your grineer computers and your search lights. To me you're still a merry little gang of white knights. You want to be saviors and protect? Yet do so, others will be hurt in a violence abject. Like dude, in war, that's like, a kind of law, nobility is like, pointless brah. All-in-all, despite my best efforts, I could hardly put you to shame, which says something, since that's sort of my claim to fame: You're a magnificent, wartime taffeta! Now where is my vaykore grakata? Steel meridian coming soon........it's coming. It's here! It's all here! Edited February 11, 2015 by ra9una Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!Register a new account
Already have an account? Sign in here.Sign In Now