Origin Stories: The First Of Them (Ch. 58: "Broken" Update)

[Lankander]

20 hours ago, ROSING said:

Help, guys. I'm flying in blind, posting chapters late, and killing off characters that I've barely introduced. If you have any feedback, I'd be glad to hear it!

Chapter 37 is now out on  Post #32  or on the google doc link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gZo3xGpUbhCO9cbvFD6GrHS-MfeNRr88sxcr9OVfUhA/edit?usp=sharing

 

Ooooh boy.....oh boy ooh boy....Sh*t's hit the fan.

I have to be completely honest with you Rosing, the story was starting to look like a romance novel these last chapters, too much drama and little action which i do believe is your strong point.

But this chapter...oh man the tension, We've all been waiting for Roland vs Morgan and it was splendid, i do hope for a round 3 just for good measure, it's interesting to see two Tenno hate each other.

I'm curious about Fervis's payload since it doesnt seem to be Technocyte.

LEPHANTIS HAS AWOKEN, THERE IS NOWHERE TO HIDE.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Lankander

[ROSING]

5 hours ago, Lankander said:

Ooooh boy.....oh boy ooh boy....Sh*t's hit the fan.

I have to be completely honest with you Rosing, the story was starting to look like a romance novel these last chapters, too much drama and little action which i do believe is your strong point.

But this chapter...oh man the tension, We've all been waiting for Roland vs Morgan and it was splendid, i do hope for a round 3 just for good measure, it's interesting to see two Tenno hate each other.

I'm curious about Fervis's payload since it doesnt seem to be Technocyte.

LEPHANTIS HAS AWOKEN, THERE IS NOWHERE TO HIDE.

Ah, is that what's been scaring everyone away? Don't worry, there's a lot of action coming in.

So the drama was weak sauce, huh? Was it too over the top?

[Lankander]

2 minutes ago, ROSING said:

Ah, is that what's been scaring everyone away? Don't worry, there's a lot of action coming in.

So the drama was weak sauce, huh? Was it too over the top?

For my taste? yeah, it was, pretty much everyone is ending with a romantic interest, it was fun with Jolla and Darren because fire and ice, and Koda's was bittersweet.

But then we get Hayden and miyoko, Gregor and Kat, Roland and Victoria and Morgan, sexual tension between Koda and Melody, what's next, Sebastian and Coven?

I hope i'm not being harsh but it think it was sidetracking the story from what it was at the beginning, the origin of how the Tenno came to be the warrior gods we know.

Chapter 37 got you back on track as it tickled me in all the right places with the pacing, actions (you actually managed to make Morgan a pretty f*cking grim guy, props for that) and even some spooks with the Scratchy part.

[ROSING]

21 minutes ago, Lankander said:

For my taste? yeah, it was, pretty much everyone is ending with a romantic interest, it was fun with Jolla and Darren because fire and ice, and Koda's was bittersweet.

But then we get Hayden and miyoko, Gregor and Kat, Roland and Victoria and Morgan, sexual tension between Koda and Melody, what's next, Sebastian and Coven?

I hope i'm not being harsh but it think it was sidetracking the story from what it was at the beginning, the origin of how the Tenno came to be the warrior gods we know.

Chapter 37 got you back on track as it tickled me in all the right places with the pacing, actions (you actually managed to make Morgan a pretty f*cking grim guy, props for that) and even some spooks with the Scratchy part.

I see. Yeah, I was experimenting with relationships this time around. But without giving too much away, I'll just say this: don't worry, this season isn't over by a long shot, and the real endings have yet to come. The biggest thing I want to avoid is having everyone's story end the same. And I promise you that they won't.

[Lankander]

3 minutes ago, ROSING said:

I see. Yeah, I was experimenting with relationships this time around. But without giving too much away, I'll just say this: don't worry, this season isn't over by a long shot, and the real endings have yet to come. The biggest thing I want to avoid is having everyone's story end the same. And I promise you that they won't.

Quick question, do you know how you're gonna end the story? Or how most of it is gonna play out?

[ROSING]

I know exactly how this season will end, save for maybe a few stray side plots. I have a pretty good idea of how the entire story (up to the last season) will generally end. 

[Evanescent]

*Rubs temples*

I'm going to be harsh.

Chapter 37 got on my nerves. Jolla and Darren, that was cute. Koda was bittersweet. I like what's going on with Melody. 

Hayden and Miyoko feel hollow, and the love triangle-oh the love triangle. Oh.

It was ok, and given time it would have developed maybe. This showdown though. so rushed. So, so rushed.

Why? I don't really a reason why these two would be fighting other than 'gotta be that sweet trin husbando', but that's not really a problem, you can make it work. No, the real problem is how insipid Victoria's character is. She doesn't feel like she has a personality other than pain and being  love interest. 

See, one of the awesome things about most of the first Tenno are their clearly defined characters. Saryn has hers, as does Melody, and they're lovely. Roland is your cookie cutter 'I'm righteous' guy with lots of pain, Morgan is your cookie cutter 'I an become death' with lots of angst. Paired with Victoria's cookie cutter 'I wanna save everyone!' persona there is no chemistry. And the reason for that is that it's rushed.

Frankly when I read about Victoria I get uncomfortable because this is your typical high-school story, and the girl just sways this way and that...

Again, the reason for this is how rushed it is. Read through how you did Jolla and Darren, and see how nicely paced out and natural that was. Your story is great because you put a new twist on things. But recently the characters seem to have no depth, and that hurts my expectations, actually.

Some other minor gripes I have are with how the infested were introduced. Why is Yates calling them infested creatures already? I think the name should have been slipped in like so:

Spoiler

 

'Yates? Yates! Answer me goddamnit!'

Yates gripped the radio tightly to him as he slowly slid down the door. The undulating masses on the ceilings, the writihing bodies coalesced into a nauseating mix of colour.

'(I forgot the name of the superior, but put it here)?' he whispered. 'Help me.'

'What do you mean, Private? Yates? I can't hear you, idiot!'

Sobs crackled through the comms.

'Goddamnit Yates, WHAT DO YOU SEE?'

'I-' Yate;s voice faltered through the radio. 'It's the subjects. They don't look right, sir, they-'

(superior name) Gripped his radio tightly. 'What do you see, private Yates?'

A gulp. Then more sobs.

'It's the subjects, sir. Only-'

Silence. Breathing rustling like sandpaper on the radio. 

'Only?' (name) urged, sensing, for the first time, that something was happenening. 'Only what, Yates?'

'The-they-'

'Speak clearly, Private. The Labs may be compromised!'

Yates gulped.

'They look...infested.'

 

Slip it inside, then use it from then on. We know it's infested, but you have to develop it.

The action scene could have been snappier. I liked the touch that Morgan was trying to practice on animals.

From here on, I hope you pace it out properly and don't rush things. No chemistry is better than forced chemistry.

There's no need for everyone to be hooked up! :D

It's a common mistake I see writers making Romance isn't mandatory.

 

If you want to study how to build charaacter chemistry, may I suggest reading the Spice and Wolf light novels? The author has crafted a truly natural and heartfelt relationship between the characters, nailing the pacing and the small details.

Looking forward to more, as always!

 

btw, if there's something you think I have misread or don't agree with point it out with the pertinent section to me. You should always take your stand and challenge criticism if you don't agree with it..

[Evanescent]

Also, a ship called 'Aphrodite' carrying a highly infectious and contagious plague? 

If you made that joke consciously, I applaud.

You, I like you. Heh heh heh.

Spoiler

In case you don't get it, Aphrodite is the god of love, beauty and sexual pleasure and procreation.

Spoiler

Yes my mind's in the gutter

 

Spoiler

dn8 h8 m8

 

 

 

[Lankander]

1 hour ago, Evanescent said:

btw, if there's something you think I have misread or don't agree with point it out with the pertinent section to me. You should always take your stand and challenge criticism if you don't agree with it..

This, this is actually really important since it is your story you're the one who should be confortable with it

[ROSING]

1 hour ago, Evanescent said:

Really helpful stuff

Man, why the hell didn't you tell me this earlier?

I had my suspicions. I've realized too late that I have way too many characters and relationships to be tied up in the span of 13 or 14 chapters. So it was Victoria and her two suitors who got the short end, and I imagine they won't be the only ones. Man, it was a good thing I went back and tried to do something, because otherwise, this all would've been a lot worse.

But I'm going to let the Victoria arc play out in pretty much the same way I have intended it to be. I think I still have a few tricks up my sleeve for it, and although I know it's not going to take away from that rushed feeling, I want to have your feedback when it's at least where I leave it off at the end of this season. I don't know if it will solve all of your questions, but just bear with me until the end, and then tell me if it didn't work. Which is entirely possible, because I'm trying some very new things for me here.

I'd like to know what about Miyoko and Hayden feels hollow, if it feels repetitive, there's no real progression going on, etc., because that is also a super important part of this season. Kat also, how do you see her coming along?

Man, this season is a mess. I extended it by a chapter, but clearly that's not enough, it may go more. However, I don't think I'm going to be making any major changes to the story at this point. The characters have no depth at this point, you're right, but I have a plan to give them at least some form of it in these next few chapters. 

I know something is wrong, but I don't think we'll be able to see the full picture of what I did wrong until this season is over. When the dust has settled, I will be eager to hear your thoughts again. Thanks as always guys, your feedback is much appreciated.

Also, where can I acquire said light novels? I've seen a bit of the anime and it is handled really well.

[Evanescent]

36 minutes ago, ROSING said:

Man, why the hell didn't you tell me this earlier?

I had my suspicions. I've realized too late that I have way too many characters and relationships to be tied up in the span of 13 or 14 chapters. So it was Victoria and her two suitors who got the short end, and I imagine they won't be the only ones. Man, it was a good thing I went back and tried to do something, because otherwise, this all would've been a lot worse.

But I'm going to let the Victoria arc play out in pretty much the same way I have intended it to be. I think I still have a few tricks up my sleeve for it, and although I know it's not going to take away from that rushed feeling, I want to have your feedback when it's at least where I leave it off at the end of this season. I don't know if it will solve all of your questions, but just bear with me until the end, and then tell me if it didn't work. Which is entirely possible, because I'm trying some very new things for me here.

I'd like to know what about Miyoko and Hayden feels hollow, if it feels repetitive, there's no real progression going on, etc., because that is also a super important part of this season. Kat also, how do you see her coming along?

Man, this season is a mess. I extended it by a chapter, but clearly that's not enough, it may go more. However, I don't think I'm going to be making any major changes to the story at this point. The characters have no depth at this point, you're right, but I have a plan to give them at least some form of it in these next few chapters. 

I know something is wrong, but I don't think we'll be able to see the full picture of what I did wrong until this season is over. When the dust has settled, I will be eager to hear your thoughts again. Thanks as always guys, your feedback is much appreciated.

Also, where can I acquire said light novels? I've seen a bit of the anime and it is handled really well.

Yeah, don't try to redo, you'll never get to go forward. Roll with what you have now and learn from it, it will be enough. If it turns out alright none will be happier than me.

The light novels can be acquired via torrent, or if you can afford them, buy them from Yen Press. I can PM you the links if you like.

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

I know this is going sound weird, but sometimes I feel that you give the reader too much information. This is especially apparent since we know what the characters probably wouldn't know. Changing it to where you don't give a name to everything right away could allow a new a reader and character learn at the same pace. Also I feel that this world isn't a living and breathing world. For example calling them infested lets say a few chapters from now would make more sense if there was an out break letting it spread to the populace instead of the random Soldiers who don't understand the science/Symptoms of the virus. Like Clickers, they are called Clickers because they click. The Infestation should be let loose to well become one like a fungus or insect. Something I've always liked about DE's codex was how they presented it, mysterious but enough there that if you look close enough you'll figure it out. The way you introduced Miyoko is a good example since you didn't just say "HEY I'M A MAGENT" and instead let readers speculate. This is just a suggestion and keep up the good work.                                                                                                                                                                   (Me btw Horrible grammar I know)

Edited July 10, 2016 by (PS4)Pinguin_ops

[Evanescent]

4 minutes ago, (PS4)Pinguin_ops said:

I know this is going sound weird, but sometimes I feel that you give the reader too much information. This is especially apparent since we know what the characters probably wouldn't know. Changing it too where you don't give a name to everything right away could allow a new a reader and character learn at the same pace. Also I feel that this world isn't living and breathing world. For example calling them infested lets say a few chapters from now would make more sense if there was an out break letting it spread to the populace instead of the random Soldiers who don't understand the science/Symptoms of the virus. Like Clickers, they are called Clickers because they click. The Infestation should be let loose to well become one like a fungus or insect. Something I've always liked about DE's codex was how they presented it, mysterious but enough there that if you look close enough you'll figure it out. The way you introduced Miyoko is a good example since you didn't just say "HEY I'M A MAGENT" and instead let readers speculate. This is just a suggestion and keep up the good work.                                                                                                                                                                      

Good feedback.

[ROSING]

17 hours ago, (PS4)Pinguin_ops said:

I know this is going sound weird, but sometimes I feel that you give the reader too much information. This is especially apparent since we know what the characters probably wouldn't know. Changing it to where you don't give a name to everything right away could allow a new a reader and character learn at the same pace. Also I feel that this world isn't a living and breathing world. For example calling them infested lets say a few chapters from now would make more sense if there was an out break letting it spread to the populace instead of the random Soldiers who don't understand the science/Symptoms of the virus. Like Clickers, they are called Clickers because they click. The Infestation should be let loose to well become one like a fungus or insect. Something I've always liked about DE's codex was how they presented it, mysterious but enough there that if you look close enough you'll figure it out. The way you introduced Miyoko is a good example since you didn't just say "HEY I'M A MAGENT" and instead let readers speculate. This is just a suggestion and keep up the good work.                                                                                                                                                                   (Me btw Horrible grammar I know)

Is that just from the infested part, or are there other things?

Regarding the infested part, that just really pisses me off because the whole time I was trying really hard to make sure I DIDN'T say infested but it must have slipped in somewhere. I'm going to retcon that.

On another note, the chapter has been pushed back a week to make sure it's quality. I would've thought being out of school would make more time to write, but it's the exact opposite.

[Evanescent]

4 hours ago, ROSING said:

Is that just from the infested part, or are there other things?

Regarding the infested part, that just really pisses me off because the whole time I was trying really hard to make sure I DIDN'T say infested but it must have slipped in somewhere. I'm going to retcon that.

On another note, the chapter has been pushed back a week to make sure it's quality. I would've thought being out of school would make more time to write, but it's the exact opposite.

Mmm. Go with your gut-there can be no better guide.

[Zibbs]

You need to focus on each instance a bit more closely now, you have way too much going on all at once. Victoria's dying(dead?), cell one are moving in to go neutralize the payload and theres and infested outbreak on the horizon . Focus on them one at a time then merge them at some point. hope that helps.

 

Edited July 14, 2016 by Zibbs

[ROSING]

Thanks for the feedback. There is a lot to wrap up, and I'm not sure if it will all be stitched together neatly, but I welcome the challenge. 

[Cyriann]

39 minutes ago, ROSING said:

Thanks for the feedback. There is a lot to wrap up, and I'm not sure if it will all be stitched together neatly, but I welcome the challenge. 

This image is... Really reassuring about your mind set.... Really...

Man I have so much to catch up... Reading all the new versions of the chapters + the new ones... 

[(PSN)WINDMILEYNO]

I'm late to the party, And havnt read the latest chapter yet, but on Hayden and myoko.

The way the story had beens going, it feels like myoko and Haden aren't going to make it as a couple. And that could be good for the story...or not. I just want to know what is wrong between them. Its something.

All I know is it's been going on since Hayden first put on his warframe, and got worse after he kissed her.

After that, they barely ever talk or spend any time together

Did she lose some respect for him? Or her perfect vision of him changed? It seems like myoko actually sort of resents Hayden sometimes, the way they barely interact, making the story between Ash and Banshee seem super sweet (im sorry I can't remember their names :(  ...)

Maybe I'm wrong.

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

I feel that they never had chemistry. It always felt to me like "Hey yo I got the suit, I'm stuck in the suit, Hey random girl I love you , I love you too, I'm out the suit so now we're together right...yeah well I'm a go do stuff and you do you. Unlike Darren and Jolla where they actually interacted and spent time together.    

[ROSING]

On 7/15/2016 at 9:28 PM, (PS4)WINDMILEYNO said:

I'm late to the party, And havnt read the latest chapter yet, but on Hayden and myoko.

The way the story had beens going, it feels like myoko and Haden aren't going to make it as a couple. And that could be good for the story...or not. I just want to know what is wrong between them. Its something.

All I know is it's been going on since Hayden first put on his warframe, and got worse after he kissed her.

After that, they barely ever talk or spend any time together

Did she lose some respect for him? Or her perfect vision of him changed? It seems like myoko actually sort of resents Hayden sometimes, the way they barely interact, making the story between Ash and Banshee seem super sweet (im sorry I can't remember their names :(  ...)

Maybe I'm wrong.

 

On 7/16/2016 at 4:04 AM, (PS4)Pinguin_ops said:

I feel that they never had chemistry. It always felt to me like "Hey yo I got the suit, I'm stuck in the suit, Hey random girl I love you , I love you too, I'm out the suit so now we're together right...yeah well I'm a go do stuff and you do you. Unlike Darren and Jolla where they actually interacted and spent time together.    

Hmm, it may be as you say...but fear not, I'll resolve things properly with them in the end :). 

To those who are still sticking around here, this project is still alive. Sorry for all the delays, I spent a lot of these past few weeks making sure these last few chapters were planned out as best they could be. 

Chapter 38: Infestation, is now up on Post #32 or on the google doc link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18stddgtYhxRmP7AiwkDeWPDsBVuwwmYlXqs-BPg_B64/edit?usp=sharing. The Tenno plan a counterattack against a new enemy.

As you have all seen, feedback is not only greatly appreciated, but desperately needed! If you have anything that doesn't sit well with you, *@##$ about it and I will at least hear you out.

I won't make promises as to when the next chapter will come out. It will be done when it's ready. Hopefully, by then, it will be better. Thanks for sticking with me this long, I'll do my best to drag you back into the story with these next few chapters.

Oh, and I went back and retconned wherever anyone said Infested in the previous chapter...because that was stupid of me.

Edited July 29, 2016 by ROSING

[Evanescent]

Why do I feel like Miyoko's death flags are going off all over the place?

This. This was a good chapter.

[ROSING]

3 minutes ago, Evanescent said:

Why do I feel like Miyoko's death flags are going off all over the place?

This. This was a good chapter.

Glad the month of work into this thing paid off!

[Evanescent]

2 minutes ago, ROSING said:

Glad the month of work into this thing paid off!

As am I, love, as am I.

[Lankander]

Oh crap i forgot to comment the other day.

Good chapter Ros, glad to see the Tenno back in some (very well written) action.

Sebastian is turning into one of my favourite characters, hope we get to know him better