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Rngesus Is Love, Rngesus Is Life [Story]

Ordel

By Ordel,
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Ordel

Ordel

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Hey, friends. It's story time.

 

I am a man. A man, about to wear a womanly suit. >cue intro

 

I am Ordel. Veteran dunkmaster, avid Oberon player, and overall nerd. I've been an official tenno since ages (sometime shortly after closed beta blah blah) and I follow the RNGesus religion. I didn't really farm that hard in the beginning, I was a casual player. Didn't use many formae, didn't play that much high-level content. Played a few nightmares back in the day for ships and jiggles (this was back before the UI overhaul and before the navigation system #ripstarchart), but got rekt quite hard. I was a happy tenno, living a happy life. But then, something changed. The fire nation attacked Update 14.5 came out.

 

By this time, I had three beautifully modded frames: Saryn, Ash, and Nyx. I mainly played Nyx. I love the battlefield control she possesses. When U14.5 came out and Nyx Prime showed her face, I knew she was meant for me. It was love at first Prime Access. So, I tried to appeal to RNGesus to shed his light (and blueprints) upon me.

 

I read the RNBible every day before I started up my computer.

I prayed to RNGesus to gift me a Nyx Prime Blueprint.

I sacrificed several T4D keys to RNGesus, day in and day out, hoping he would hear my call.

He never did.

 

I started questioning myself.

"Maybe NyxP isn't meant for me?"

"Has RNGesus forsaken me?"

"Perhaps Vor has eaten all of the secrets of the void..?"

No, no, and no. 

 

This was a very dark time for me. I had almost gone to the dark side. I had almost.. -wipes tear from eye- -whispers-

Brought..prime access.

 

I had enough platinum for it. I could pay it, I reassured myself. Maybe..if I steal my mom's credit card, maybe I could get her, and my mom would never find out? I would even get the Hikou and Scindo prime.. Those evil thoughts crept into my every waking moment, waiting for the day that I would succumb to the malignant force that is Prime Access.

But I never gave up hope.

At this point, I had no more T4D keys. I was too tired, too broken, too far gone to keep farming that accursed starchart interception mission to gain more. I was done. But a voice called out to me. "Click me!", the small and feeble voice of the recruiting tab said. "You no longer have to farm those keys! Just leech off of others!", it said. I, the fat lazy fudgecake I am, decided to do it. Clicking on that tab was like opening Pandora's box. Waves upon waves of "lf t4d" and "hosting t1c speed runs" plagued my eyes. I had no other choice. I typed /w, in preparation to whisper the first person to be generous enough to spend their lives in a T4D with me. Eventually, it happened. Attempt to copy what little of the chat I had started below.

 

Ordel: /w Anon inv

Anon: frame?

Ordel: nyx

Anon: i don't think we really need a nyx

 

At this point, I was dumbfounded. Who wouldn't need a nyx!? I had thought this poor mortal was bewitched by the evils of RNGesus. Being as tired as I was and instead of trying to pry him open to the benefits of Nyx, I had just decided to say:

 

Ordel: that's alright, does ash sound good?

 

Silence befell me for a straight .3 seconds, and then a wild pop-up appeared:

 

"Anon has invited you to Tower IV Defense."

I squealed in glee to myself. My sister walked in the room, looked at me up and down, and said:

"If you're gonna squeal like a pig, at least do it when I'm NOT home."

She then closed the door. I had no qualms with this, and had therefore decided to keep the rest of my excrement excitement within me.

The level loaded. Those beautiful orokin walls. Those finely-carved benches. Those obscure orokin ice-looking plants. By the time I had finished gawking at these fine details, a message had popped in chat; "You coming?" said Anon. All of the other Tenno were gathered around the outside of the wave start circle that appears when you start a defense mission. Without a word, I marched forward, clenching my buttcheeks as hard as possible.

 

I was ready.

 

The first wave came. Lucky for me, they were no match for my irradiating Amprex. The fools were destroyed in mere seconds.

Wave after wave, these innocent, brainwashed tools were coming as quickly as they were going. The first round ended. A forma blueprint appeared. This was my first forma blueprint from a T4D, so at this time I had no issues with it. That would change.

The next round came, and the next round; the former quicker than the latter, as the third round had something I had no idea existed;

Corrupted Bombards.

Their missiles were too good at targeting me. It was like the east coast, trying to propel itself in such a way that the snowstorm misses. 

 

I go down. My teammates, generous as they are, pick me back up immediately. However, the cryopod takes a few hits. "Not on my watch", I think to myself. I pop a blade storm, and like that everyone in the immediate vicinity of the already repairing cryopod was cut to pieces. I would've yelled a victorious scream, but my sister would probably kill me.

 

Round after round, missile after missile, the round had finally ended. This was the big moment. The end of the fourth round. I close my eyes in anticipation, and open them in utter disappointment. A Boltor Prime Reciever. Any other person would have arguably enjoyed this, but I was no powercreep. I knew better. A boltor is good, hell, a boltor is probably the best out there, but I REFUSED to use it as it was the symbol of the powercreep.

 

The squad extracts, and I am in my Liset. Alone, and hungry for a Nyx BP. I was determined.

 

Twenty-eight Tower 4 Defense keys fly by in the blink of an eye. Ember BP, Lex prime BPs, Orthos handles.. Nothing I wanted. I was ready to cry. My body was not ready. I close Warframe. I take a nap. I wake up, and I find a steam message from my good friend who we shall call The Illuminati.

 

Perceived chat log below.

The Illuminati: hey bro, hedrea you've been lkoking for t4d kyes. lgo inot warframe and see what I got you.

Ordel: no t4d keys are the devil

The Illuminati: i'll carry you throguh them lkie my friend carried my through grmamer school.

Ordel: lmao alright

 

The Illuminati had given me a pack of 5 T4D keys.

I fire Warframe up, bodily and spiritually ready for the task upon me. Between before and now, I had built, maxed, potatoed, and modded Frost Prime. I had one job: Keep the cryopod alive. I was ready. The Illuminati, myself, and two randoms had begun the game. I was first to load in, and subsequently the first infront of the pod. I had myself on autopilot. "Hit 3. Shoot until timer is out. Hit 3. Get energy. Shoot until timer is out".  I was determined. My strategy had no flaws. I was dishing out damage like kids dish out mother jokes. I was on Frost. (because being on fire as frost is stupid).

 

Four rounds pass. I had done it. She appeared like an Olympian god/goddess infront of me. I squealed the loudest I could, as my sister was out the house. My lungs felt like tissue paper. My face was red as the blood of the many enemies I had felled today. I start going crazy in the chat.

 

Ordel: OHHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDD

Ordel: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS

Ordel: THIS MUST BE FAKE

Ordel: MY PANTS HOLY CRAP

Ordel: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Ordel: BREATHING INTENSIFIES

The Illuminati: LAL

Ordel: RNGESUS HAS NOT FORSAKEN ME

Ordel: PRAISE BE TO RNGESUS

Ordel: OHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

-the game ends and I am on my Liset-

 

I'm in my Liset, just like I'm about to be in the hospital for tearing my vocal cords.

I open my Foundry, to be completely sure I wasn't having a desert-oasis type of hallucination.

She was there.

I praise RNGesus.

RNGesus is love.

RNGesus is life.

 

tl;dr i fight by the illuminati, win a nyx prime bp, nearly tear my pants off

 

PS lmao none of this happened in the way I said it but I did spend about a month farming the nyx bp and i've finally gotten it just today

Edited by Ordel
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Ordel

Ordel

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lmao this may be the worst thread i've ever created

originally i was simply going to ask "how's rngesus been to you guys" hence the general discussion, but then i just skewed out of control

someone please move this abomination to off topic if needed

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Ordel

Ordel

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Im sick and tired of that line. Everyday I see the life and love crap. Once in a while its fine, but its being abused on this forum.

that was the point XDDDDDDD

 

i think i was slightly intoxicated when i wrote this tbh, i was drinking a nice can of mountain-

jk ill stop

I really, really, really really, really HATE the "RNGesus" and all these expressions. Funny though. At least, if someone ask you what you did today, you'll have something to answer. :)

to be completely honest, i do too when it's overused

but for a thread like this it's 100% worth it

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