[Fanfiction] Dead In The Water

[Zzaarreell]

I wrote this a while ago, shortly after Tubemen of Regor had started.  I had meant to release it that Friday as a joke with Nef Anyo possibly winning, but now it works out perfectly.  Constructive criticism is always welcome.  *Warning:  language may offend some people.*

 

Dead in the Water

John had been assigned to the CTS POLARIS after he failed to kill the Tenno that attacked his superior.  Among other things… It wasn’t a terrible ship.  It was at least bigger than the last one he was assigned to, so he could at least get more exercise during patrols.  And the ship ran routes all around the Sol System, so he got to see WAY more sights than his last post. There would also be fewer Tenno assaults since the ship rarely stayed in one spot for long.  It was a trade ship after all and frequented many worlds, including the Relays.  John wasn’t sure why the Council allowed that but didn’t really care at the end of day.  He was just happy he was getting paid.

Come to think of it, this ship is better in almost every way.  No Alad V to yell at me for knocking something over or trying to make me pet his Zanuka.  I hated those things, they’re creepy.  And I get a bigger paycheck working the POLARIS as well.  Seems like a win to me.

 

 “Attention.  All low ranking Crewmen, please report to the Bridge for your patrol schedules.”  John heard blaring over the PA.

 

Better go get ready.  Don’t want to be late.

 

John went into his room and put on his bulky armor as quickly as he could.  As he was about to put on his massive, blocky helmet, he felt the entire ship shudder harshly.

 

That’s not good.

 

John decided to just run to the bridge and put his helmet on there.  As he exited his room, he heard alarms that pierced his ears.  He decided the helmet would go on now.  At least it had noise cancellation built -in.  Once his helmet was on and he heard the reassuring hiss of pressurization, he continued towards the bridge.  He made his way past MOA cabinets and empty suits dangling on their racks.

 

I always worried those things will come to life with no one in them.  That’s stupid though.  Empty suits can’t do that.

 

After pausing to stare at the empty suits, John remembered why he had been reassigned.  He ALWAYS lost his train of thought and got distracted quite easily.  Back on Jupiter, he was cleaning up one of Alad V’s labs when he decided to use his mop as a dance partner since he thought no one was around.  He had been wrong.  As he pirouetted and came to a stop, he opened his eyes and saw none other than Alad V himself glaring at him. 

“What are you doing?  This is how you clean up?” Alad V questioned, “I’m reassigning your lazy &#! to some ship.  They can deal with your laziness.  I would start packing if I were you.”

And he did.  A few days later, he received a letter from the Board telling he had been reassigned to a Trade Ship.

After reminiscing for a few moments, John realized he would be late to the bridge.  He quickly sped up his pace as he made his way through the wide, rectangular halls.  He barely noticed that the alarms had stopped completely.  He finally made it to the elevator leading to the bridge.  He got in, pushed the button and waited impatiently for the door to close. 

 

Damn Tenno. They don’t have to wait on these things to open and close.  Bastards always just hack them to go right away.

 

Finally, the door decided to close.  John noticed something strange though.  The lights above were mostly out.  Only a few bulbs remained, flickering defiantly as he ascended towards the bridge.  The elevator stopped hard at the top level, almost knocking him down.  As he regained his composure, the door slowly rose, revealing the horror of what was left of the bridge.  Bodies strewn about, missing limbs, organs spilling out.  Bloodstains on almost every surface.  One stain was shaped like a crewman’s outline.  Strangely, there were no weapons lying next to the bodies.  Most of their helmets had been ripped off as well.

 

What the hell did this?  Tenno?  No, too messy.  They may be killers, but they’re elegant killers.  This is just gruesome.  Grineer maybe.  They would take our weapons in a heartbeat.  Cloned freaks can barely arm themselves as it is.  Some of the idiots carry meat cleavers into the field.  Where are their helmets?  They’re missing.  I just noticed.  I bet it had something to do that impact.  Crap, who do I report to?

 

As John pondered the horrible state of his predicament, something shifted under a pile of bodies.  John heard and raised his Prova out of instinct.

 

“Help.”  The voice weakly cried out.

 

John bent down trying to find where the voice was coming from.

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Over here.” The voice replied.

 

John ran over immediately and began to dig.  It was vile. Having to dig through his dead comrades.  But someone was alive in there.  They might know what had happened there.  As was digging, he finally found the source of the voice.  It was a Corpus Tech.  One of the heavy support units.

 

How the hell am I gonna lift him out of here?  He’s twice my freaking size.  Oh well.  Gotta try.

 

John pulled at the giant’s arms, despite the pained look on the massive Corpus’ face.  He wasn’t as heavy as John thought he would be.  Once he finally pulled more on the tower’s arms, he saw why.  The poor man had been severed in half below his stomach.  As John pulled, he noticed that the man’s intestines were caught underneath the pile.  He didn’t dare pull any further.

 

“I don’t have long.  Neither do you.  Those bastards sabotaged the air filters and stole our helmets.  Anyone still alive will suffocate.  You can make it.  Whatever happens, DO NOT take your helmet off.  They released something into the air to infect us. I think it’s a poison.  You have to make your way to Life Support and reset the system.”

 

“I’ll do my best.” John said nervously.  He wasn’t sure how he would do it, but he would try. 

 

“Was it Grineer or Tenno?  I need to know what guns to grab.”  John inquired.

 

“Neither.  It was Infested Corpus.” The Tech wheezed.  His breath was failing him now.  “You can’t let them escape.  Life Support should have a Quarantine function.  If not, then find it by any means necessary…”  with that last breath, the giant finally fell silent.

 

John prayed unto the Void that his soul would find peace and slowly pulled himself up.  As he turned around, he froze in place; standing only a few meters in front of him was monstrous creature.  One of its arms had been replaced with a thick tentacle drooping onto the floor behind the creature.  Its face looked like an anteater snout with giant spikes protruding from the top of its head, connected by a ring.  He was sure he was going to die. 

His training kicked in and he raised his Prova baton.  He swung it into the beast’s head as it reared its large tentacle back.

 

He struck first.  The blow knocked the monster back in pain.  He struck again. And again.  And again.  He lost control and proceeded to beat the creature into a pulp.  When he finally regained control, the behemoth had crumpled to a beaten pile of flesh.  He had forgotten to turn on the electricity of baton.  No wonder it had taken forever.  John steadied his breathing and began to think about what he had just done.  So many horror stories had been spread around the Corpus about Infested.  How they took over entire ships in hours.  He had killed one of their most dangerous ones and did it single-handedly.  He beamed inside his suit.  He decided that if he was going to continue, he would need a better weapon.  A MUCH better weapon.

 

John took few glances at the holographic map of the ship on the bridge and entered the search query for Armory.  Ding!  It found one.  And it wasn’t too far away from the Bridge.  He searched one final time for any other weapons on the floor.  Somewhere.  Anywhere.  There HAD to be at least one weapon left.  He turned his search towards the captain’s chair.  He looked under the seat.

 

PRAISE THE VOID!

 

His search had paid off in spades.  Not only had he found a gun, but it was a Lex!  A hand-cannon in its own right.  He didn’t really know HOW the Captain had gotten his hands on a Tenno weapon and really didn’t care.  He pulled back the slide to inspect it.  It had one in the chamber.  He pulled out the clip and checked it as well.  Fully loaded with 6 powerful magnum rounds, not counting the one in the chamber. This was great.  The only way it could get better is if- YES.  There were 5 spare magazines on the other side of the chair.  Now he was set.  A solemn reminder, he made sure that he took one of the bullets out and pocketed it.

 

In case it comes to that.  I sure hope it doesn’t.

 

He set his Prova onto his magnet holster on his back and readied the Lex, making sure the safety was off.  He got into the elevator and pressed the button one last time.  As he waited for the door to slide down, he searched his HUD for his music player.  He planned to make the most of the situation.  He had always wanted to be part of a zombie apocalypse, and now he got to live out his fantasy.  As he searched through his music, he kept trying to decide on what band to choose. 

 

Fragorfall?  Nah, too powerful for this.  Voidwish?  Too pretty.

 

He finally settled on Corrupted.  At least that’s what he called it so his superiors wouldn’t confiscate it.  He finally found the perfect song.  Get Down with the Infection.  As the heavy drum beats played, the elevator descended from the dark and into the red mist that now filled the ship.

 

“Can you feel that?

 

Oh S#&$…”

 

As soon as the elevator hit the bottom, John pointed his Lex at the door.  He was ready for anything. He was gonna pop some zombie heads just like in the movies.  When the doors opened, John nearly S#&$ himself.  At least 20 infected Corpus Crewmen stood around the room.  John didn’t even think.  He simply pressed the button again and kept pressing it.  He just hoped they wouldn’t hear the clicking.  They did.  As they slowly turned towards him, the door began to close.  The infected lunged at the door with speeds John never thought possible.  They never made it.  The door slammed down on their faces.  John sighed in relief as the elevator took him back up. 

Gotta find another way through then.

 

Once he got back to the bridge, he studied the map again, this time searching for air vents.  It would be cliché but it would keep him alive.  He finally found one that led into the elevator shaft he had just escaped through.  It was several meters above the bottom floor.

This is gonna suck.

 

As he got back into the elevator, he was sure the button was sick of him pressing it as he was.  As the platform descended once again, he saw the vent.  He jumped and barely caught the ledge.  He slipped, but luckily caught himself with his forearm holding the Lex.  His arm hurt like hell, but he managed to grab the ledge with his free hand.  Once he got his grip, he decided to look down.  He couldn’t see the elevator anymore.  All he could see was a swirling mass of Infested flesh covering the elevator.

That was close.

 

John pulled himself into the vent and crawled through.  He heard inhuman screams coming from the bottom of the shaft.  He tried to ignore the noise as he crawled further through the dark, the cries fading as he continued.  The air vent kept getting darker as he kept searching for an exit that DIDN’T have Infested near it.  He needed a flashlight.  He kept his eyes peeled as he searched each room through  the vents.  He thought he saw one in the last room he passed-  He never saw the drop.  He fell flat on his face.  Now his helmet was even flatter.  He groaned in pain as he picked himself up.  He checked for his pistol.  It wasn’t down there.  He had an idea.  He rammed his shoulder into the wall he just fallen down.  The pistol teetering on the edge shifted just enough to fall and land squarely on John’s head.  John was getting real sick of his luck.

 

Think I have a 7 leaf clover looking over me.  4 for good luck but not enough for double luck. 

 

As he picked the Lex off the ground, he checked to make sure it still worked.  Somehow, he pulled the trigger and a deafening blast echoed through the vent.  John shook his head in pain. 

Prasie the Void I have a helmet on.

 

As he recomposed himself, John heard snarls coming from above him.  They were far away but were definitely in the vent.  He kept moving.  He saw a glimpse of light through a grating and peered out.  Aside from the Infested mess all over the walls, there was nothing around that he could see.  He carefully unscrewed the grate and tried to lightly push it down, when suddenly it slammed down, apparently missing the bottom screws.  John REALLY hated his luck.  He poked his head carefully through the opening to make sure nothing was coming after the loud bang.  When he sure he was safe, he crawled out, smacking his helmet on the top of the vent.  REALLY hated his luck.

 

Once he was out, he surveyed the room around him.  There two doors adjacent from each other across from him.  There was a pair of MOA cabinets to his right.  He was saddened that the first one was inoperable, but his heart soared when he saw the pulsing glow at the top of the other one.  He slowly approached it, careful not to trip the motion sensor on the door.  He opened the panel and entered the override code only used in emergencies.  This was definitely an emergency.  As it cabinet opened, he was relieved to see the familiar Orange 2-legged robot Proxy.  He input the orders for it to scout ahead, saving him the trouble of clearing out rooms himself.  As it ran through the door, the MOA seemed to skip for joy when it spotted a small Infested Corpus crawling on the ground.  The poor little thing didn’t even a chance as the MOA stomped and let out a shockwave, knocking it into the wall, crushing it instantly.  The MOA then waited impatiently by the door, expecting John to command it to move.  John decided to let it go ahead.  He motioned it forward with his hand.  As the door opened, the MOA squealed in delight as it spotted more targets to destroy.  The door closed behind it.  John wasn’t sure what was happening inside, but he felt bad for the Infested.  He heard constant screeching from the MOA and stomps here and there followed by loud thumps against the walls.  He thought he heard one of the Infested cry out in pain.  He then saw it crawl through the door.  It looked to him as if begging for help.  John thought about keeping it as a pet, but decided to put an end to its apparent misery.  He pulled out his Prova, flipped the switch, heard the electrical crackle and swung hard.  He took it out in one shot.

It’s ok.  The MOA can’t hurt you anymore.  You’re free.

 

He looked up from his kill and walked towards the door.  When it opened, he saw why the thing had been trying to escape.  The MOA was still stomping a large Infested like the one he had killed in the floor.  It looked up at him and seemed to jump up and down happily at the sight of him.  He beckoned towards it and it returned to his side, still trailing flesh along the ground with its foot. 

This will be easy. 

 

As the door opened, John expected to see a room full of Infested.  He was pleasantly surprised  that it was empty.  In fact, he saw the door he was looking for.  The Armory.  He walked up to the door.  Nothing happened.

Is it broken?  It’s supposed to open.

 

He looked at the console.  It was pulsating green. 

 

Great.  Lockdown. I don’t know the override for this one.

 

John had an idea.  He waved at the MOA and pointed towards the door.  Within seconds, the MOA ran towards the door, slamming into it at full force.  It got up, dazed and looked around, saw the console and pointed its plasma rifle towards it.  The MOA let off a small volley.  Within the first two shots, the console melted into the door frame.   A few seconds later, the door slid open.  John checked inside.  No Infested.  He went in, hoping the door would close behind them.  It didn’t.  He pointed towards the MOA and pointed a finger towards the ground.  The MOA sat down like a dog and kept watch outside the armory. 

 

John looked around the armory, finding plenty of weapons, but none of them looks very appealing to him.

 

My zombie apocalypse.  My choice of weapon.  It’s only fair.

 

He searched through the crates, finding plasma repeaters, plasma cutters, and even a massive laser cannon.

 

Big fuckin’ gun.

He finally spotted a turquoise rifle in its own crate tucked away in the corner.  It looked like Dera.  But it was GREEN!  The Tenno had vandalized it.  He found a note in the crate:

I was going to give these give these gifts of the Void unto the Tenno for stopping Alad V, but you boys may have them.  It’s clear that the Tenno lack faith in the Void.  I have faith that you however will not disappoint me.  Take these rifles and make good use of them.  Preferably against the Tenno heretics.  Good luck.

Praise the Void,

 

Nef Anyo

 

 

Nice. This will be perfect.  Stylish too.  Beats that old boring bley color.

 

John eagerly picked up the rifle and examined it.  He couldn’t tell how much ammo it held, but he knew it ran on a battery that self-charged.  If it ran dry, he could use the Lex or his Prova.  He holstered the Lex and gripped his new rifle.  Shame the Tenno don’t get to see their handiwork in action.  This thing feels so light yet, powerful.  He readied his new weapon and proceeded out the door with new purpose.  He waved to the MOA.  The MOA got up and stayed close, constantly staring at the rifle in John’s hands.  He pointed the rifle towards the console leading out of the room and let off two shots.  That was all it took.  The console disintegrated instantly.  The door slid open and the Infested reared their ugly heads toward John.  He raised his rifle and let them know his wrath.

 

Trails of molten plasma burned through the air as John mowed down wave after wave of Infested.  They slammed into their fallen comrades before them creating an awkward wall of bodies constantly tripping over itself.  When he was done, John hit the release to let the gun cool.  Good thing too, because the barrels were glowing bright orange.  He felt proud of himself for taking out every single one of the Infested.  Before he could finish cooling the Dera, a crawler jumped at his head.  The MOA reacted before he could even think.  It jumped in the air towards the Infested with its leg outstretched like a karate master.  They collided.  The crawler flew across the room and broke the window.  The air pressure began dropping and the alarms sounded.  John quickly found a nearby terminal and entered the override code to close the shutters.  As they closed, the air hissed around him with the pressurization.  He figured the air was now breathable and took off him helmet.  He took a long breath, filling his lungs with fresh air.  The MOA stared at him in disbelief.  It kept looking between the helmet and his face. It must have thought that Corpus have helmets for their heads.

 

Once he had filled his lungs with renewed breath, John put his helmet back on and pressed the air cycle button so it could fill back up with new air to recycle.  Once the process was done, he breathed in to test it.  He was fine.  Seals were good.  He picked up his rifle and headed towards the next room, ready to shoot anything that got in his way.

 

As he made his way through the hallways and elevators, shooting every Infested that his MOA didn’t claim, he kept checking maps to see where the life support was located.  Once he figured out the right direction, he would head that way until he hit a dead end.  Then he simply looked at the map again.  This continued on for hours, but John never tired.  How could he be?  He was living his ultimate Apocalypse fantasy.  Occasionally he would stop to check for supplies, such as protein bars and vitamin drinks.  He even found a can of compressed air.  He attached it to his back in case he needed it for emergency air.  He continued on his way towards the Life Support room.  When he finally found the door leading to it, he was nervous.  He had still not seen any other survivors.  There had at least SOMEONE else who had survived.  Anyone.  But he had found nothing.  No traces of life except for the Infested.  They don’t count.  As he was about to open the door, he was swept away by a gust of wind.  He saw something white glinting at the edge of his vision.  Was that a--  He didn’t get to finish the thought as he was pushed to the ground again.  This time the figure stood above him and stared.  It was a Tenno!  And it had an eagle-looking Warframe equipped.

Oh S#&$! I’m so dead.

 

John curled into an assball, expecting to be ripped apart like all those countless Corpus before him.  But it never happened. The MOA didn’t attack as it had before. Instead the Tenno just stared at him, its helmet unable to show any sign of emotion.  He wondered what it was thinking.  Was it thinking of whether to kill now or take him hostage?  No.  The Tenno waved its arm for him to follow.

“No. I have to get into Life Support and stop this Infestation.  I have to reset the system.  It will be just enough to kill the Infestation and recycle the air so any friends you brought along will be fine.  I’m going to announce it over the PA so any survivors can head for shelter or safe rooms.”  John explained.

 

The Tenno nodded in agreement.  It pointed towards his rifle and proceeded to summon gusts of wind around its body.  It motioned for him to fire at it.  He did and watched in amazement as the bolt flew in all different directions.  It then pointed at him and ran its finger across its throat.

“I get it.  In case I try to betray you, you will use that against me.  No problem.  I don’t plan on dying today anyway.”  John responded.

 

The Tenno bowed towards John.  John tried his best to mimic the movement, but his bulky armor got in the way and he almost smacked himself in the face.  The two of them looked towards the door.  The Tenno pulled out a pair of daggers with see-through blades. John readied his Dera.  John hit the console and backed up, ready for whatever came through the door.

 

The Life Support room was gigantic.  Tubes lined the walls; security cameras at every corner; turrets placed wherever there wasn’t a camera mounted.  The place was a fortress.

 

They saw the console in the middle of the room and began to walk towards it.  They heard it before they saw it.  Snarls and growls rumbled one of the tubes.  It shattered and a massive Infested fell out, shaking the ground when it landed.  More, smaller ones followed swiftly and soon that half of the room was filled with Infested.  John looked at the Tenno.  It simply pulled its daggers across one another to make beautiful sparks of violet.  The Tenno soared into the air with a burst of energy and then dive-bombed straight into the group, knocking over many of the Infested.  When it landed, it began to swirl its dagger around as if it was dancing.  Infested fell left and right.  One jumped at the Tenno’s back and John shot it down, the Infested disintegrating into a pile of ash.  The Tenno looked back at him and simply nodded.  John then fired directly at the Tenno.  The Tenno instinctively raised it windy shield, furious at John.  It stopped being angry when it saw all of the bolts bounce around taking out all of the Infested around it in a circle of molten hell.  It looked at him with newfound respect.  Once all the small ones were dealt with, the large Infested lumbered towards them.  The Tenno prepared to jump into combat once again, but was stopped when John held up his hand.  He then motioned towards the Infested.  His MOA leaped towards it with fervor, finally getting in on the action.  It landed on the monster’s back and began shooting.  The creature thrashed around flinging the MOA into a wall.  It got up and beeped angrily. It leaped towards it, leg outstretched.  The MOA collided with its face.  The monster reared back in pain.  The MOA wasted no time in filling it full of plasma, dropping it in a flurry of blue molten beams.  As it fell, the Infested nearly cracked the ground beneath it.  The Tenno almost dropped its daggers at what it has just witnessed.  It regained its composure and headed towards the console.  Once it put its hands on the terminal, a transmission from a woman appears across the comms.  John had never heard the famed Lotus before.  He assumed she was just propaganda. 

 

Good work Tenno, you have successfully made your way towards the Life Support center.  Now quickly, reset it so, you can put a stop to this Infestation.  Alad V must pay for unleashing this on his own people.

 

“What?!” John screamed. “Alad V is behind this?  That bastard.  I will make him pay.  Let me join you Tenno.  I used to work for him and know his security measures.”

 

The Tenno paused and looked up in thought.  John could tell that it was conflicted.  After all, Tenno have had no problems killing Corpus before, why stop now? 

 

Something is different about this Crewman.  He has been through hell and back.  He could prove useful in taking out Alad V.  I will let the Lotus know.  Especially Ordis so he doesn’t freak out when I bring him back.

What is this Tenno thinking?  Is it going to let me tag along or is it going to  abandon me to die?  Maybe it’s wondering why it never got to see those rifles.

 

The Tenno looked at John and simply held out its hand toward him. 

 

A handshake?  This is amazing.  Unprecedented.  Maybe there can be peace between us and the Tenno after all.

 

John grabbed its hand and shook.  The Tenno then bowed.  He bowed back.  The two of them then looked towards the console.  John entered the command and heard the hiss of the air cycling out and cleaning the Infested spores out of the system.  Once it was done, there was one final hiss as the air became breathable and Infested free.  He heard the voice of Lotus once again:

 

Good work Miss Zephyr, prepare for extraction.  Head to your Liset.  And bring your new friend in.  We can use him in this war.  I think the Perrin Sequence may find him useful. 

 

So, it’s a she.  Damn, she fights well.  Maybe when this is all over…

 

Zephyr motioned for him to follow her.  They walked sided by side, MOA in tow, as they went through the empty hallways towards her Liset.  As they got into the pod and boarded, John heard a perky voice:

 

Operator, you’ve brought someone new.  Are they friend or foe, operator?

 

“Friend.”  Zephyr said softly, looking at John.

[FiveHours]

Assball.

 

ASSBALL.

 

Good @(*()$ lord.

 

Apart from that particular phrase, I found this enjoyable. Just a few tweaks needed here and there.

 

Also, not sure what you mean by eagle-looking. Could you perhaps describe it a bit more?

Edited May 27, 2015 by TheDeathofThem

[Zzaarreell]

Thanks.  Already edited it twice.  Might try to edit it some more tonight. 

[Zzaarreell]

Assball.

 

ASSBALL.

 

Good @(*()$ lord.

 

Apart from that particular phrase, I found this enjoyable. Just a few tweaks needed here and there.

 

Also, not sure what you mean by eagle-looking. Could you perhaps describe it a bit more?

Perhaps I should have put "bird-like" instead.  I was a little too caffeinated when I wrote this so...

Edited May 27, 2015 by Zzaarreell

[FiveHours]

Perhaps I should have put "bird-like" instead.  I was a little too caffeinated when I wrote this so...

You should write with a calm mind. One tends to rush things when his head goes too fast, you want to summarise more and actually describe less. Drink water, my man; it's caffeine, sugar, fat and stress free :)

Edited May 27, 2015 by TheDeathofThem

[Zzaarreell]

You should write with a calm mind. One tends to rush things when his head goes too fast, you want to summarise more and actually describe less. Drink water, my man; it's caffeine, sugar, fat and stress free :)

But energy drinks taste BETTER than water...  :(

[FiveHours]

Tea's good too. Ice tea. yum.

 

Don't need energy drinks unless you're doing exercise. It's not that healthy. I'm not saying don't have them, sure, drink all the Monster you want, but it's best not to when you're writing or doing something like that.

[Zzaarreell]

Can we please get back to constructive criticism on the story and not my diet when writing it?  I just want to know what changes I need to make before I consider this story complete.  Thanks.

[FiveHours]

Yeah, yeah, of course. Not my place.

 

The verb structure in the sentence could do with some work, too. Most of the sentences are "x did y" or "X did this, doing this". Nothing wrong with either of those two, but one or the other is spread thick and thin, so perhaps some longer sentences to slow pace down during sequences of thinking, walking or dialogue, and shorter, more fast paced sentences in action sequences and fighting scenes.

 

Perhaps more is needed towards the end, when the crewman finally joins the Tenno. Just bowing and swearing allegiance isn't exactly how one "joins" the Tenno or the Perrin Sequence for that matter, I'd assume, so flesh out that part and give it some proper flavour. Make the two fight, make him beg for his life, or something. Make John Not-Prodman be unique, otherwise why would the Zephyr take him with her? Perhaps he could save her life from the Infested and then she would owe him her life? I don't know, your story.

 

I like the bit where he pockets the round, that was a good addition. Bravo.

 

Anyway, that pretty much concludes my "criticism", I hope I could help you on your story-writing, not your Mountain Dew-drinking.

[Zzaarreell]

Yeah, yeah, of course. Not my place.

 

The verb structure in the sentence could do with some work, too. Most of the sentences are "x did y" or "X did this, doing this". Nothing wrong with either of those two, but one or the other is spread thick and thin, so perhaps some longer sentences to slow pace down during sequences of thinking, walking or dialogue, and shorter, more fast paced sentences in action sequences and fighting scenes.

 

Perhaps more is needed towards the end, when the crewman finally joins the Tenno. Just bowing and swearing allegiance isn't exactly how one "joins" the Tenno or the Perrin Sequence for that matter, I'd assume, so flesh out that part and give it some proper flavour. Make the two fight, make him beg for his life, or something. Make John Not-Prodman be unique, otherwise why would the Zephyr take him with her? Perhaps he could save her life from the Infested and then she would owe him her life? I don't know, your story.

 

I like the bit where he pockets the round, that was a good addition. Bravo.

 

Anyway, that pretty much concludes my "criticism", I hope I could help you on your story-writing, not your Mountain Dew-drinking.

Thanks.  I will definitely take another crack at this.  I will post the updated one when its ready on this thread.

[FiveHours]

No probs.