Launcher does not pass 'checking for updates.'

[OricSharp]

The launcher on my girlfriend's little brother's PC (a Lenovo all-in-one running Windows 8.1, a bit of a toaster, I know) refuses to go past 'checking for updates,' with an empty progress bar. The bar never moves, no matter how long it's left alone.

I have tried:

running the game from the .exes found in 'Browse Local Files' on Steam, which resulted in a '.dll not found' error, in both cases, which I then attempted to remedy via various methods 
(none of which were successful, due to the computer being set up in such a way that I'm half-expecting a Cenobite to pop out if I ever do figure out how to fix a couple of the access issues)

running the game in compatibility modes

verifying the cache (via Steam; verifying it via the launcher freezes everything)

reinstalling the game.

 

Of the above, the only attempt that met with any success at all was the cache verification, which resolved the problem. For one day. The next day, the problem had resurfaced and further verifications did not fix anything.