Nova: Reaching Out To You Sister

[Maou]

So this is my first time writing a fanfic, so please be considerate. I'm not good with words and my vocabulary is about average as you can get, and to top it all English is not my main language. So please bear with my work. 

 

The protagonist is a Nova. for those who doesn't like the frame please consider reading. It might change your mind.

So without further ado. I bring you Nova

 

 

Chapter 1: Awaken

 

Kneeling down to meditate, I cleared my mind and prepared myself for the coming test. An hour had barely passed since my awakening, I was led to a room a room by those who have awaken me. they said that they would test me, to see if I was functioning properly, I simply nodded and followed suit.

Unnerved by the silence that surrounded me, my thoughts lingered. I recalled little of the past, it irks me so to have my memory to be so unclear before me. What was left were mere fragments, glimpse of what was once were. I could vaguely remember the slumber, the slumber that brought everyone apart. It was the time that I got separated from my sister. .

 

A sharp jolt went through me, like a sudden chill rose throughout my body, The feeling of fear mixed with anger.

 

"M-y sister, my sister! where is she?!" the words kept playing over and over in my mind. "You Promised" A faint whisper could be heard. My core became cold, strength slowly left my body, everything became became heavy, my hands were shaking no, more like shivering, I could no longer keep my poise  , neither my armor nor my will could hide my emotions, I have lost it. I finally stoop up and ran towards the rooms exit.

 

A figure appeared whom was in between me and the exit point.

To my surprise, It was an Excalibur Prime, the decoration on its head was unmistakable.

"Halt! it said with a booming voice, you have not completed your test!" it stated with an irritated tone.

"Let me through!" I screamed.

"No, you shall not pass!" another voice entered the fray. It belonged to a Frost Prime. 

His gilded head head would catch anyone's eyes.

"The Lotus has not given their orders yet" The Frost Prime Snarled.

"The lotus? wh-" cut off  by the Excalibur Prime.

"Calm yourself, go back and wait for further instructions" the Excalibur prime said.

He tried to grab me yet I was too quick. I didn't like the idea of being touched, 

I countered with a clean roundhouse kick to the head following up with Axe-kick to the shoulders, "Thud" The Excalibur Prime lay silent, unconscious on the floor. 

"Gaahhk!!" a kick flew, landed dead center on my side. "cough" I let out a weak smile. 

"I totally forgot about you, Ugh that hurt"

 

"Nova!! you are swift yes, but your defence is weak. Surrender now, resistance is futile" Frost Prime said in an angered mocking tone.

"Catch me first! I yelled with a childish tone as I lunged at him. The speed of my attack wasn't that much impressive but enough to catch him off guard. 

"Thud, thud, thud" I was able to land a few strikes to his chest before I retreated back with a somersault, to my surprise it barely phased him, an ominous  laugh could be heard be heard from my opponent. 

"Kukuku, Give up Nova, Unlike you my frame can withstand punishment" 

he slowly unsheathe what seems to be an Orthos with moon shaped blades as design.

"this hardly seems fair right?" I groaned at him.

"But of course, what am I without my honor" he said calmly, walking towards his unconscious ally. He grabbed his sword and tossed it to me, I caught the blade with ease and finesse, it was surprisingly light, the design too was beautiful.

"It the Pangolin sword" the Frost Prime said in a pleased voice.

"It is mainly used for ceremonies but non the less it is lethal in combat"

"Fight me Nova! Show me your skills as a blades woman, Fight!" his voice echoed throughout the room.

"Fine" an involuntary smirked appeared on my face.

"But let me pass after I beat you" I said.

"Unfortunately I cannot guarantee freedom, The lotus will chase you until you give up, but beat me and you may have a chance t do so".

I nodded, readied my blade. 

"So be it, you shall have your fight, Prepare"

[warbear3d]

wall of text.. it hurt my eye..

[BoompigXD]

wall of text.. it hurt my eye..

[Maou]

ill try to avoid this next time

 

wall of text.. it hurt my eye..

[Zeus154]

So this is my first time writing a fanfic, so please be considerate. I'm not good with words and my vocabulary is about average as you can get, and to top it all English is not my main language. So please bear with my work. 

 

The protagonist is a Nova. for those who doesn't like the frame please consider reading. It might change your mind.

So without further ado. I bring you Nova

 

 

Chapter 1: Awaken

 

Kneeling down to meditate, I cleared my mind and prepared myself for the coming test. An hour had barely passed since my awakening, I was led to a room a room by those who have awaken me. they said that they would test me, to see if I was functioning properly, I simply nodded and followed suit.

Unnerved by the silence that surrounded me, my thoughts lingered. I recalled little of the past, it irks me so to have my memory to be so unclear before me. What was left were mere fragments, glimpse of what was once were. I could vaguely remember the slumber, the slumber that brought everyone apart. It was the time that I got separated from my sister. .

 

A sharp jolt went through me, like a sudden chill rose throughout my body, The feeling of fear mixed with anger.

 

"M-y sister, my sister! where is she?!" the words kept playing over and over in my mind. "You Promised" A faint whisper could be heard. My core became cold, strength slowly left my body, everything became became heavy, my hands were shaking no, more like shivering, I could no longer keep my poise  , neither my armor nor my will could hide my emotions, I have lost it. I finally stoop up and ran towards the rooms exit.

 

A figure appeared whom was in between me and the exit point.

To my surprise, It was an Excalibur Prime, the decoration on its head was unmistakable.

"Halt! it said with a booming voice, you have not completed your test!" it stated with an irritated tone.

"Let me through!" I screamed.

"No, you shall not pass!" another voice entered the fray. It belonged to a Frost Prime. 

His gilded head head would catch anyone's eyes.

"The Lotus has not given their orders yet" The Frost Prime Snarled.

"The lotus? wh-" cut off  by the Excalibur Prime.

"Calm yourself, go back and wait for further instructions" the Excalibur prime said.

He tried to grab me yet I was too quick. I didn't like the idea of being touched, 

I countered with a clean roundhouse kick to the head following up with Axe-kick to the shoulders, "Thud" The Excalibur Prime lay silent, unconscious on the floor. 

"Gaahhk!!" a kick flew, landed dead center on my side. "cough" I let out a weak smile. 

"I totally forgot about you, Ugh that hurt"

 

"Nova!! you are swift yes, but your defence is weak. Surrender now, resistance is futile" Frost Prime said in an angered mocking tone.

"Catch me first! I yelled with a childish tone as I lunged at him. The speed of my attack wasn't that much impressive but enough to catch him off guard. 

"Thud, thud, thud" I was able to land a few strikes to his chest before I retreated back with a somersault, to my surprise it barely phased him, an ominous  laugh could be heard be heard from my opponent. 

"Kukuku, Give up Nova, Unlike you my frame can withstand punishment" 

he slowly unsheathe what seems to be an Orthos with moon shaped blades as design.

"this hardly seems fair right?" I groaned at him.

"But of course, what am I without my honor" he said calmly, walking towards his unconscious ally. He grabbed his sword and tossed it to me, I caught the blade with ease and finesse, it was surprisingly light, the design too was beautiful.

"It the Pangolin sword" the Frost Prime said in a pleased voice.

"It is mainly used for ceremonies but non the less it is lethal in combat"

"Fight me Nova! Show me your skills as a blades woman, Fight!" his voice echoed throughout the room.

"Fine" an involuntary smirked appeared on my face.

"But let me pass after I beat you" I said.

"Unfortunately I cannot guarantee freedom, The lotus will chase you until you give up, but beat me and you may have a chance t do so".

I nodded, readied my blade. 

"So be it, you shall have your fight, Prepare"

 

Hey there... I hope you mind me popping by here and... stuff. :3

 

 

 

Well, I'll post my little critique and opinions.

 

This is your first fan-fiction, and so I give you a bit of props for being brave, and to explore writing as a small endeavor. Writing is something that can be and cannot be taken lightly. There are some grammatical inconsistencies and  punctuation, but that's somewhat few and far between. Always do a small proof-read on your work and nibble on the small bits that you don't like; rework and or remove unnecessary bits, to keep flow going.

 

Figurative language and imagery make a good part of the story as well. They allow the reader to get a sense of bearings inside of the story. It would be a bit helpful and interesting to add some depth to the rooms. Could they be used for training? Are they for relaxing? Storage? You get the point. Adding depth can help inspire you to set the scene and to write out a large section. As well, they are good seg-ways for introductions and to put the scenes as small fillers.

 

Dialogue adds personality to the character and to flesh them out. The problem is, the story is short, and little "personality" is present. However, this will develop and be expanded in the coming chapters, depending if you keep at this fan-fiction. As well try to implement ellipses in the dialogue (the ... in a sentence). Generally in a story, they should be used as to trail off a character's thought, or as an omission for a thought. I have a habit of using ellipses too much, but when used right. :)

 

Length and endings. This was short, and a cliffhanger. The conveyance is clear for the story progression, however elements are left unknown (as in the rooms, scenery etc.). 

 

But other then that, you gave it the "old college try."

 

And just a word of warning, it is HARD to set up a story with multiple characters. I mean you have read my story, but I've learned how to jump that hurdle.

 

Anyway, good job. I hope to see you further improve your growth as a fan-fiction writer. In case you were wondering... for my stories... I'll have to dwell on what happens next tomorrow. I'll be writing up some stuff, and I'll post it up hopefully tomorrow. Just to keep you in check.

Edited August 19, 2013 by Zeus154