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[Fanfiction] Ciara [Updated, Fixed Issues]


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Please leave a response below, I need to know if there's anything I can do to make this better and I need feedback in general.  Thanks!

 

Prologue:

 

  The roar of battle is an animalistic one.  Screams of pain, the popping of gunfire, the harsh scent of ash and chemicals and blood.  It somehow seared into the helmet of his warframe, and he knew he would never forget that stench.  He had only been awakened one week and had already braved more battles than he could count, and that scent was present in every one of them.  He clutched his rifle tightly, spinning and leaping, unleashing a hailstorm of metallic hail onto a rather panicked Grineer Lancer.  He cursed at himself, he had let the Grineer sound the alarm before his death.  He sprinted towards his objective, the Reactor Core.  He had to destroy this ship before it came within firing distance of Saturn's largest colony, a mere 10 minutes out.  He slid through the doors just as they opened, gunning away at another Lancer, a mere yard away.  He sprinted further into the room....and straight into a Grineer trap.  He was surrounded in an instant, Grineer special units on each side, multiple lancers aiming from cover.  He raised his sword to Blind them, but was met with an immense blow from behind, slamming him to the ground.  His shields gone, the massive hammer that pinned him began glowing with energy, sapping away at his Warframe.  Streaks of white on black fluttered before his eyes, he tried to roll over and strike at the hammer pinning him, but was overwhelmed with dizziness, flailing about before falling back down under the weight of the hammer. He felt his weapons being pulled from him, but all his strength was gone.  Blood trailed down his face as he laid there, powerless to his merciless captors.  He felt the hammer being lifted off...he was being pulled up, this was his chance....all he managed to do was turn his head, and his pain was cut off by sweet, welcoming blackness.

 

  His Warframe tried desperately to heal him, make him battle ready again, he began feeling everything again through the blackness....sounds were pounding through his helmet interface, slowly eroding their way into his dazed mind.  They became clearer and clearer, Tenno.......Tenno!!! *pop* *pop* *pop*   He felt the heavy weight of his body slam down, dropped onto a lumpy mass of floor.  Something was pulled from his back, and a massive wave of pain shot through his entire body.  Suddenly everything was clearer, he felt a jolt through his body as his Warframe surged energy through his body, healing him and bringing his consciousness back.  He pushed himself to his hands and knees, gazing down on a bloody Grineer corpse he had been laying on.  Gunfire was everywhere, slicing bright light across his vision, only one thought pounded through his head.  Get. A. Weapon.  He snatched his Burston off the back of the dead Grineer, rolling onto his side, towards the encroaching gunfire.  He paused, shocked at the sight.  The gunfire towards him was merely a few stray rounds, the full-on battle was right in front of him.

 

 

 Flipping and leaping from the walls and heavy boxes of the Grineer ship was a figure, more of a blur than anything else, throwing knives and pulling off rounds from a small pistol.  Darting from one target to the next, there were no less than a dozen Grineer when he first looked, and less than ten seconds later their numbers were halved.  There was a massive Grineer, swinging a menacing hammer towards the flashing blur, instantly recognizable as Lech Kril.  He pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the lightening bolt of pain that shot through his spine, and began firing on the group of hopelessly outgunned Grineer.  He picked off what was left of the light targets, while his unkown savior slashed at the massive pipes on Kril's back.  A flash of red and black shot down from the roof, slicing at the hulking behemoth.  Kril screamed in agony, an animalistic roar devoid of humanity, as he fell to his knees.  The Tenno was running as quickly as he could towards the scene, and rammed his fist with all of his remaining strength straight into Kril's power core on his back.  The horrendous scream was silenced, and the monster fell.  Out of breath and hunched in immense pain, he turned his head to his savior.  She stood to his left, clothed in blood red and black, dripping dagger in one hand, pistol in the other, standing so still he couldn't even tell if she was breathing or not.  She reached to her helmet to disengage it, and he stared in disbelief at Her for the first time.

-PART ONE-

As he strode into the massive, towering hub, he quietly considered how far the Tenno have come. Since the Great Awakening, they have collected many different artifacts throughout the solar system, many old weapons used in the centuries past. They have braved the Void, finding ancient weaponry and Warframes of great power. The Tenno, every Clan, large or small, constructed the Relays together, forging a small oasis of rebellion, inviting the six Syndicates to stage their personal operations there, provided they didn't kill each other. It was pathetic that could be called a victory in this dark day and age, but it was impressive considering their reawakening left them with nothing but the frames they wore and a blank, hopelessness. He didn't really know why he was reflecting on this, the heat and stress of battle did strange things to his thoughts. As he stepped from his Liset, he glanced a wary eye around before setting off at a brusque pace, straight to one room in particular. He felt the tingling, icy sensation of the Weapon Deactivation fields as he passed through them, faintly reminding him of.....something. He couldn't quite place the memory, everything was fuzzy and distorted. All he really remembered was a few scant hints of emotion and pain, fear....loss? Something he hadn't felt in a while.


  He limbered into the Red Veil's dark and smoky headquarters on the Orcus relay, and after a quick nod to Cantis, walked purposefully to the back of the room. They were interrogating a Grineer, as usual, flailing and begging the almighty Queens to end him with their godlike powers. Ignoring the half-mad religious nonsense, the Tenno's gaze fell upon Her. They all wore the same uniform, a multielement protective suit, painted in the same bloody, dark, pattern but he instantly knew which was Ciara. He wondered how that was possible, when she caught his stare. Striding over casually, with the certainty of movement of trained killers, she slapped his shoulder roughly. "Get singed out there, lizard knight?" she playfully asked. "A few scrapes, but nothing too bad. I recovered the intel with a few Scorchers on my tail." he replied, rather tiredly. She watched him, twirling a nasty blade, and somehow he could envision those piercing blue eyes looking him over, trying to remain intimidating as she scanned him for major injuries. "Do you have anything assigned tonight?" He asked quickly. Somehow her gaze still gave him the slightest tingle of nervousness, despite being armored in one of the mightiest of Warframes. Nervousness and...guilt? "No, not unless this idiot starts spilling whatever B.S. he possibly overheard by chance working under Ruk. Want to get out of here?" He absentmindedly nodded, fatigued from battle and mesmerized by her charm, even while wearing a suit, her beauty could be felt as though it were an aura around her. They asked Cantis for a short leave. Begrudgingly giving them 12-hrs, he mumbled something vague about being "at war" and "the important fight". They were nearly giddy striding out of the fiery temple devoted to punishment.


  Alone in her small apartment at last, she reached out to him and tenderly pulled the Chromathas Dragon pelt off his helmet, and reached for the helmet release. His helmet folded neatly up against his chest and the back of his neck, revealing a much-too young face, marred by battle and the transformation into Tenno. He was a youth of seventeen, three marks glowing a faint blue on his brow was all that remained from his transformation, but several small scars pockmarked his face, from deaths too nearly avoided. His close-cut hair shimmered a dirty blond, and his deep steel-blue eyes cast a harsh gaze with just the faintest glimmer of compassion. Most would marvel at his face, if he were still human he would be considered moderately attractive, but having kept nearly intact through a transformation was rare, in some parts of the galaxy, unheard of.

  If the Tenno was considered handsome, Ciara was drop-dead gorgeous. She reached for her own helmet release, to reveal her rich ebony hair, always cascading out of her helmet when she took it off, it always seemed in her way, but she refused to put it up. Piercing, bright blue eyes that could just as easily strike fear into one's heart as it was to make a man fall deeply, madly in love with her in a fraction of a second. Her young face was sharply constructed, and not marked with any form of proof that she had been through so many battles, save for a single tiny scar under her left eye. A man would say she was beautiful. To a Tenno, she was a goddess. She glanced quickly at his eyes before surprising him by wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him quickly. "I missed my dragon boy today." She said softly, hugging him tightly before pulling back and punching him hard in the stomach. After pretending to double over in agony, he pulled the pelt from his shoulders and hung it by the door to follow her to the kitchen.

  After a nearly tasteless, bland meal ordered from the Relay's Cephalon, they sat together in her cramped main room. The walls were adorned with several sleek weapons, but somehow felt comfortable and tasteful. He drifted off slightly as she described her missions that day, considering their unlikely relationship. Something about it felt wrong. A vicious assassin and spy, the bloodiest of the Red Veil, was curled up against a confused and mighty Tenno warrior. Actually, maybe it did make perfect sense. "Is everything okay? You seem pretty out of it today..." she asked, concern piercing her typical deadly, intimidating behavior. "Yeah...everything is okay, I guess. Those Grineer were pretty excited about something, and they were pretty angry with me for taking their precious data. I thought it was just ship formations and locations, but something seemed different this time." He said, trying to conceal his unrest with his memories and the universe as a whole. She opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the Cephalon. "Sir, the Jade Falcon clan has requested your presence immediately." the Cephalon said loudly from the interfaces throughout her apartment. "Tell them I'm on leave," he answered gruffly. "They have stated it is of the utmost importance, and the Council are resistant to make a decision without their leader present." Heaving a sigh as he sat up, the Tenno pulled his Warframe, commonly called Chroma, back over his sleek undersuit. After donning his pelt, he turned to Ciara. "I shouldn't be gone too long." He said. She simply stared back at him. "What?" He asked after several seconds of silence. She flashed him a witty smile, "Nothing, I just realized how much older you look since you found your old Chroma. Much manlier than your sissy hand-me-down Excalibur," she laughed. It felt wrong. Chuckling to himself, he engaged his helmet and pulled the pelt back over his head. He waved goodbye and started for the Relay hangar.

  As he walked, his thoughts turned back toward the mystery of the Tenno and what happened before. His father was nowhere to be found, but several records and an old liset found indicated he had died many years before the Tenno had awakened. All he knew was he had inherited the Jade Falcon clan, and led it the best he could through the two short years since his awakening. His father's Cephalon was hopelessly damaged, but activated for one last time only when he had boarded. The ship told him what his father had meant to pass down to him, the Clan, and had revealed an old, dusty Chroma suit, that evidently had been won by the Tenno, in a coming-of-age ritual of his Order. The Cephalon revealed that his father placed him within his own excalibur, and forced him into a cryostasis pod, before leaving with no warframe to defend him. The Cephalon had sputtered and died before it could reveal anything else. Even the great Simarus couldn't repair it, the years had not been kind, and the Corpus' onslaught of experiments hadn't helped either.

  He was sure of his fighting abilities, as Tenno were fully trained and in the field by fourteen, but leadership was where he was hesitant. He led an ancient Clan of over two hundred members, and the burdens were a lot to bear. Casualties seemed to be high, and only getting worse. He was blasted by the cold escape of Liquid Nitrogen from a passing Frost's shoulder. He shuddered as the memory came to him again, clearer, he shivered and blinked several images from his eyes. Ice. Wind. Snow. A great battle against a vicious creature. Passing a kiosk, he realized that it was the same one in his reflection. The Dragon hunt. but that wasn't it, there was some other fragment, something important, that was also cold-he was cut off from his thoughts as he noticed the uneasiness throughout the relay. Asking a passing Ember what had happened, she simply said there would be an announcement soon from the Grand Tenno Council, and that the greatest Clan leaders were being called to a meeting. He thanked her, just as a worm of black dread began thrashing in his stomach. Did this include his Clan? He was considered a great leader? No, he realized, the Jade Falcons were one of the most honorable Clans that remained, and among the oldest. He felt the worm turn over as he realized he would be in the company of the great Tenno Council...he was swimming in so many emotions at once he didn't realize he'd made it to the hanger before his ship was pulling up to greet him.

  "Take me to the Dojo, Dot, quickly," he spoke with urgency. "Right away, Operator," the Cephalon's crisp, faintly feminine robotic voice answered. He walked to his Orbital compartment as soon as his Liset connected, and began cleaning his Warframe. He considered changing to another, perhaps his ornamental Loki Prime, to impress the Council, but decided against it, and instead placed his Prime armor parts onto his Chroma. He took his Paris Prime however, and his Orthos Prime, just to show a little bit of class. He donned the Imperator syandana, signifying him as a Commander in the Grand Orokin Army. Somehow he knew that, remembered that title through all those years of cold, dark, cryo. Dot alerted him that they had arrived just as he began to reconsider the Loki Prime, so he hastily disembarked to avoid that conflict. His stomach churning with a multitude of emotion, he saw several Tenno of his Clan waiting for him. "Why did you take so long?" Roach demanded, clearly as stressed as he was. "I had to stop for my Orbiter. What's wrong?" "The Grand Council has found something big, and they needed the important Clan leaders to discuss what to do about it. They graciously chose our dojo to host it, and they needed you here a half-hour ago." Roach replied angrily. "Have they started without me?" "So far, not yet, and they're not happy about it."
  
  He entered the Grand Hall of his dojo, and in the midst of the familiar banners depicting a katana-wielding Falcon, and the ornamental statues, he saw a ring of golden-gilded Tenno seated in the center of the upper floor. He recognized several from the Grand Council, most notably the leader, Karo'Tec, in the blue and gold of the Council, and several other Clan leaders, each in their respective Clan's colors, with a member from each holding a flag bearing their insignia behind them. What struck him the most, was the squadron of Red Veil troopers, standing more neat and millitarized than he'd ever seen any of the assassins, and each bore a menacing looking Latron. He spotted Ciara standing near the back, a lock of her jet black hair jutting from a crease in her helmet. She must have been in a great hurry. He cursed himself for stopping to get his Orbiter. "So kind of you to join us, Dahkai-Jur'el, I apologize to interrupt your short time of peace, but there is a great time of darkness about to befall us." Karo'Tec stood and waved a gilded hand towards the Veil troopers. "You see, the Red Veil has uncovered data that is most disturbing. I thought you should be most particularly interested in it, as you were the one to unwittingly retrieve it."


-END PART ONE-

So, um...what do you think? Good? Bad? Ugly? Meh?

Eh, gave it my best shot I guess. :/

 

EDIT: So thanks to the awesome help from ChloeSakuna, I am adding part 2 instantly, rather than doing it in installments as will be written on a once-or-twice-weekly schedule.  Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think and how I can make it better!

 

-Part Two-

 

  The Tenno called Dahkai-Jur'el, stood shocked and dazed, staring blankly into empty space.  His entire "day" had gone from bad to worse.  Far, far worse.  A mission gone wrong, the Grineer losing their ever-loving minds.  A terrible time for fragments of memories to come flooding back, but he couldn't resist the flow.  Anger, hate, loss, he didn't understand the emotions he felt as he pictured a face.  Fragments, broke her apart, spaces filled in with the image of Ciara, other fragments showed someone similar...one eye, a brilliant green, a lock of lighter hair, the entire image was out of place, and frightened.  Horrified, almost.  Frost crept along the edges of his vision, as the frozen face stared into his soul, it shattered even more and reformed, suddenly his vision was blotched with red, the fragments became another face.  Horrifically distorted, but unmistakably familiar.  Vor.  The insane Grineer general laughed as the red streaked across his vision, and everything faded to black.  

 

  His vision came back, more slowly than he'd like, and he found himself on his knees, unmasked face pressed against the window.  Gasping for air, he was being pulled to his feet by several of his Clan.  He silenced them, thanking them for their help, but they refused to leave his side when ordered to.  He hated their nobility so unreasonably, he fought the urge to lash out and harm one of them.  The stress of all that he'd heard today hit him like a concrete Grineer wall.  The Grineer were doing something terrible.  Smashing a Hellion-class cruiser directly into the hearts of Tenno dojos, the ships surprisingly didn't hold an invasion force, as expected.  It was full of the Maniacs.  The lurking, insane, disfigured monsters poured from the twisted wreckage and slaughtered anything in sight.  Leading the charge, was a dark-armored figure, known throughout the system as the elusive Stalker.  No dojo attacked yet has withstood the attacks.  That wasn't the worst part.  That could have been helped with new shielding technology, a cloaking system, something to counteract it to prevent loss of life, why couldn't that have been the only problem?  

 

   They were taking the control rooms for the Solar Rails.  Typically used to transport a Tenno to a remote expanse, an asteroid, a moon, somewhere too far for reinforcements' help, the Grineer were pulling the ones they'd captured so far together, into an unknown formation.  The data Dahkai had stolen was merely the coordination codes for the location the Rails would punch through.  They didn't make any sense at all, they weren't targeting anything in the solar system, and the worst they could do was transport troops somewhere else?....Right?  But no, they were focusing this on a purely empty patch of space.  Somewhere near the Outer Terminus, but still pure empty space.  The Cephalons, the Council, even the Lotus were theorizing what this could mean, but most have concluded that they're not aiming for something in this universe.  Something in another dimension, but not the Void.  The Void was the only dimension known to man(or Tenno)kind, so...what had the Grineer found?

 

 

  He finally convinced his fellow Tenno to leave him alone, and slowly walked to the Orokin lab of his Dojo.  Rarely frequented by his Clan, as they were less inclined to the competition of the Dark Sector Rails, he locked the door with his authorization key and opened the shutters.  He stared out into the empty space that a rail would have occupied, had they built one.  He realized that the most likely reason the Jade Falcon's dojo had been chosen was this one key tactical advantage.  Ruk wouldn't attack here.  He pondered the recent vision he had, and wondered what it could have meant.  It was certainly a memory from before the awakening, but was it before the cryosleep?  Was that an interruption of his peaceful slumber?  And why was Ciara related to it...

 

  He found her some time later, quietly being scolded by a superior for her rushed uniform, asking pointed questions of her whereabouts before being called to arms.  He stepped in and assured the panicking Officer that he'd deal with the disciplinary actions of the Veil's right hand.  Ciara glared into her superior's eyes, helmet released, and Dahkai could feel the hatred and urge-to-kill that accompanied that death stare.  He pulled her to one of the many gardens, for a little peace.  He couldn't get rid of that image in his head, her shattered face and the terror in her green eyes-green?  That wasn't right.  He couldn't rest until he'd gotten to the bottom of this.  "Ciara...where are you from?" He asked hesitantly.  "The Kepler colony, remember?  Before it was overrun with Grineer rats?  I've told you like a hundred times."  she replied, puzzled and irritated.  "No, I mean...before that."  "Before that...nothing.  That was where I lived my whole life before the grineer came..."  she said, worry creeping into her voice.  He realized that even she wasn't too sure.  He decided to push a little more, but to be careful not to upset her too terribly.  "Well...tell me what your mother was like."  She smiled, opened her mouth to speak, but hesitated..."Well she was...tall, beautiful...we'd always build snowmen for archery practice, and-"  "Wait, snowmen?"  He interrupted.  "There is no snow anywhere near Saturn...that entire colony never gets below a hundred degrees, and there's rarely any water..."  She looked into his eyes, and he could feel the terror and confusion in hers.  "But..."  she trailed off.  "No, it's okay, it's fine let's stop thinking about it," he said, pulling her to his chest.  Silent tears rolled down her face and splattered down his armor.  "I don't understand...why am I crying?" she asked, her voice trembling.  "I don't know," he said softly, "But I'm going to find out."

 

-END PART TWO-

Edited by DJ-7809
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this is looking pretty well. a few things though, clan leader:

 

-they are called Manics, not Maniacs.

 

-do not involve my character. i'm hosting an RP blog where Deathshatter has a lore unrelated to the Falcons.

 

-this is very promising, keep it up, clan leader.

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Alright, will do deathshatter. Any tips?

stay within context of what lore is already out there. study it, learn it, and you may be able to speculate on how things actually are. this way, you can have a template to base your story on so that you always are in the ballpark.

 

to do this, i recommend skimming through DKDiamantes's warframe lore playlist 

he gives analysis on lore pieces and speculates what they mean, and he's pretty good at it imho.

 

also, he has analyzed the synthesis lore bits

 

i suggest you look at some of the relevant videos to get a greater grasp of the warframe universe.

 

additionally, its nice to see a scenario where Tenno can connect with humans pretty well, but dont make it as though they are too adjusted to it. i picture them to be more reserved when it comes to socializing with people other than their kin. but considering that Dahkai has a close-knit relationship with this Ciara person, thats okay between them. just dont make it a commonplace thing among others.

 

other than that, the story is pretty solid, keep it up.

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stay within context of what lore is already out there. study it, learn it, and you may be able to speculate on how things actually are. this way, you can have a template to base your story on so that you always are in the ballpark.

 

to do this, i recommend skimming through DKDiamantes's warframe lore playlist 

he gives analysis on lore pieces and speculates what they mean, and he's pretty good at it imho.

 

also, he has analyzed the synthesis lore bits

 

 

i suggest you look at some of the relevant videos to get a greater grasp of the warframe universe.

 

additionally, its nice to see a scenario where Tenno can connect with humans pretty well, but dont make it as though they are too adjusted to it. i picture them to be more reserved when it comes to socializing with people other than their kin. but considering that Dahkai has a close-knit relationship with this Ciara person, thats okay between them. just dont make it a commonplace thing among others.

 

other than that, the story is pretty solid, keep it up.

Okay, that's awesome.  I'll PM you the major plot points I'm thinking about for the continuation of the story.

Edited by DJ-7809
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Updated Grammer, planning on adding a Prologue of how the two lovebirds met

 

Also, this is my 666th post on this website....uhhh....creepy....

Edited by DJ-7809
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Updated with Prologue.  Sorry for continuation of double posting.  Please tell me what you think of it though, 292 views but only three people responded? Come on I need some input on how to make it better.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Believe me, people are reading. Unless you are a huge consistent writer here, you naturally won't get many replies, it's weird. Anyway, perhaps more people would reply if you posted more story?

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  • 1 month later...

I enjoyed reading this!

 

Some feedback:

Biggest thing that sticks out to me is that you should break up those walls of texts. It helps the reader stay engaged and make things flow better, in my opinion. Remember that each character's lines deserves it's own paragraph. Right now since they're strung together it kind of messes up the pacing. As for the rest, determine which sentences go together and split them up from there.

 

It will make the whole thing feel a lot better, trust me. If you haven't guessed already, one of the most important things for me in a story is flow. If a part that deserves more description is too short or some dialogue lacks description of what's happening in between it can feel jarring and uneven, but adding a few words here or maybe removing a few words there is some times all you need. It's not something I can explain very well, but if you read your story after letting it sit for a while you may be able to get an idea.

 

For example, story wise, I was a bit confused about the start of part two--did it pick up immediately where part 1 ended or was there any passage of time? It seems to be the former, and if so, there didn't seem to be any impetus for the sudden flashback, which confused me slightly. Perhaps explain that part a little more or have something that happens before he collapses that triggers the memory.

 
And as a great forumite here said (Five), careful not to come out with new installments hastily lest the quality suffers. Let it simmer for a few days, then read it again and give it tweaks.

 

But its a good story. I always love to see people's take on the lacking lore in Warframe, and the little details you put here and there about Tenno culture were great! And I also think that Red Veil chick in the back of the relay is pretty cute, it's cool that you actually made a story about her! I apologize if I came off as sounding harsh, but I only wish for this story to improve. Because its good, but it has the potential to become greater!

 

And don't worry about the double posting. That is the struggle bus we writers have here in Fan Zone!
Edited by ROSING
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  • 2 months later...

-snip-

 

Hmmm yes there was a small passage of time, but only a few hours.  I'll throw that in there, and I'll break it up a bit.  Thank you very much for your feedback!  I'll need to start writing again, as my full-time job AND school has been killing me...but this is something I want to get passionate about, if the devs won't give us story then it's up to us to come up wtih some!!!

Edited by DJ-7809
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