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Out Of Frame: The Everyday Lives Of The Tenno - Feedback & Discussion

Jordan_McBeast

By Jordan_McBeast,
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McVolker

McVolker

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THERE WAS LOKI!

LOKI: WAKKA WAKKA! We interrupt this erotic scene to bring you ONE OF THE SADDEST MOMENTS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD!

ARTAX, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

 

Good job. Give me a pound.

Edited by McVolker
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Ronin666

Ronin666

Posted
Posted

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THERE WAS LOKI!

LOKI: WAKKA WAKKA! We interrupt this erotic scene to bring you ONE OF THE SADDEST MOMENTS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD!

ARTAX, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

 

Doozy..you sick bastid. Never to be forgiven. NEVER!!

 

Artax..*sob*

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MaxImpact

MaxImpact

Posted
Posted

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THERE WAS LOKI!

LOKI: WAKKA WAKKA! We interrupt this erotic scene to bring you ONE OF THE SADDEST MOMENTS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD!

ARTAX, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

 

grumpycat-300x168.jpg

 

Dat ending... I don't care that you interrupted the erotica, but dat video... *sob*

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Arkezuli

Arkezuli

Posted
Posted

CenSilver, you have proved your worth to the cause.

 

Do explain.

 

-

 

Doozy84, very good text.

 

But, if I may say, the only thing that made me sad in the whole thing was your not coloring your text as usual...

 

...No seriously, you made me sad when I saw it, and I'm still sad.

 

sfwIxvC.gif

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Doozy84

Doozy84

Posted
Posted (edited)

Do explain.

 

-

 

Doozy84, very good text.

 

But, if I may say, the only thing that made me sad in the whole thing was your not coloring your text as usual...

 

...No seriously, you made me sad when I saw it, and I'm still sad.

 

sfwIxvC.gif

Yea there's a reason for that. The colored text is for script style dialog.

The ARTAX NOOOO! scene was an actual narrative story (in sexy pink text) between two characters, so it didn't require constant color coding to separate the characters.

Although I do think Volt should have been a little more delicate with that stylish evening gown. But then again, he did know it was a knockoff.

Edited by Doozy84
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Arkezuli

Arkezuli

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yea there's a reason for that. The colored text is for script style dialog.

The ARTAX NOOOO! scene was an actual narrative story (in sexy pink text) between two characters, so it didn't require constant color coding to separate the characters.

 

nooooooooooooo.gif

Edited by CenSilver
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Doozy84

Doozy84

Posted
Posted

Dayum, that Volt and Nyx scene ',' Your way with words is simply astounding, how long does it usually take for you to do a short chapter like that?

That was one page. Probably took me like 10 minutes.

uninterrupted foreplay? I'd say around 20. If there's preceding dialog and flirting, 30. If it ends with the birds and the bees, 40, maybe 50 if its significant to the plot. Longest one I ever wrote probably took an hour, but that was only because it ended -ahem- inside of the protagonist and she had a pregnancy scare that was one of the turning points in the story.

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Ronin666

Ronin666

Posted
Posted

EMBER: What is this bullS#&$? How come I don’t get an erotic scene?

ASH: Erotic scene, what are you talking about?

EMBER: You didn’t see that 3 posts ago? Volt and Nyx had a romantic dinner, and then they got all kinds of classy freaky in her sexy apartment!

ASH: Volt and Nyx have been an item since the first post in this thread, that isn’t news. This was a long time coming.

EMBER: That’s a bunch of bullS#&$. How come you’re not saying stuff like “You smell like spring breeze” and trying to put your tongue in my ear and stuff. I want to be in one of those dirty grandma romance novels too!

ASH: You mean like with Fabio on the cover? Nora Roberts and stuff?

EMBER: Yea, that’s totally hot. And trashy. Trashy hot.

ASH: But nothing happened! Everyone got cockblocked by Loki and ambushed with the saddest scene from an 80s kids movie ever! That’s not erotic, that’s just... That’s just sadistic is what that is.

EMBER: Well it doesn’t get you off the hook. You’re on boyfriend duty now, mister. There better be 50 Shades of rose petals or bubble baths or some kind of romantic junk in my future, or you’re going to be charging up your own melee weapon on saturday night.

ASH: Really? I didn’t think you were into that kind of stuff.

EMBER: All women are into that kind of stuff!

ASH: You seduced me wearing daisy dukes and a wolfmother tshirt. It wasn’t like I showed up wearing a tuxedo with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a chocolate lab puppy in the other.

EMBER: Oh yea right, why don’t you just be the first guy in the history of the galaxy to complain about daisy dukes. Set back the progress of all humanity to the time before Dukes of Hazzard. “hey everyone, Ash doesn’t like girls in cutoff jeans! Everyone stop dressing like sexy white trash, the boys don’t want it anymore!”

ASH: I didn’t say that!

EMBER: Well do something to prove it then.

ASH: Like what?

EMBER: I dunno, something that Volt would do?

ASH: He literally told her that she smelled like lavender and tasted like morning dew. That’s actually what he said.

EMBER: That’s so hot.

ASH: Ember, its a @(*()$ laundry detergent commercial. Do you want me to lick your face and tell you that you smell like springtime freshness? That you keep my whites whiter? That my colors don’t run?

EMBER: Maybe you just don’t know how to be romantic.

ASH: What? That’s crap.

EMBER: Is not!

ASH: Last night you had a headache and you didn’t want to do it, so you laid in bed until 2am watching Adventure Time on Netflix, and because I’m such a great boyfriend, I was under the covers the whole time-

EMBER: Okay yea that counts. Keep it PG13 for the kids at home.

ASH: I bet Volt didn’t do that for Nyx.

EMBER: Well can we at least go do something romantic this weekend? Like a fancy place that serves steak and lobster or something?

ASH: Hun, do you even own a little black dress? How are we gonna go anywhere with a dress code?

EMBER: Mag probably has one I can borrow, she’s the professional type.

ASH: Honey, Mag has the body of a sixteen year old boy. Do you think your curves are gonna fit in one of her little size girl scout uniforms?

EMBER: That’s a good point.

ASH: Thank you.

EMBER: So now you have to take me shopping for a dress. That’s romantic. Let’s do that.

ASH: Oh god what have I done.

EMBER: Oh I dunno, you got laid with the most stacked girl on the block? Don’t be such a baby, put in some girlfriend work you lazy bastard.

ASH: I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it! I want to see you in a classy dress!

EMBER: See, was that so hard?

ASH: I just didn’t think you cared about that kind of thing, is all.

EMBER: Well I didn’t, until I got jealous of how much other women were enjoying it.

ASH: Alright, let’s do it tomorrow.

EMBER: That’s a good boyfriend. Want to get a little romantic now?

ASH: Hell no. Not with that A****** Loki around. The minute I start rubbing on your humps that prick will show up with some youtube video of Sean Bean dying or something and totally kill my... Holy S#&$! Roughnecks is on Netflix!*

EMBER: Is that some kind of weird porno?

ASH: Better! It’s the Starship Troopers Cartoon, I am so watching this right now!

EMBER: I FUCKIN LOVED THAT SHOW. I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I SET INFESTED ON FIRE.

*Roughnecks is not actually on Netflix and now you are sad.\

 

 

Doozy..gtfo of mah head. Am inebriated.

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Doozy84

Doozy84

Posted
Posted

I got this message, and because I wrote AN ESSAY in response, I'm posting the whole thing here for anyone that's interested.

If you don't want to read an essay, ignore it and don't post about how it's a wall of text. That's Off the Island status right there. This is for people who want help writing.
 

Sent Today, 01:27 AM
Hey Doozy I've been following your thread for quite a long time and since you are a writer ( Which im aspiring to, someday) I've written this story in the fan zone which has gone under the radar since I posted it. Anyway would you mind checking it out and giving me your honest opinion?
https://forums.warfr...me/#entry729049

Thanks in advance.

 

BRUTALLY HONEST,

it's really dramatic and it doesn't actually tell us about anything, and you're full of grammar and spelling errors.

That's actually the biggest problem. I'm not published yet either, unless you count self-publishing garbage on amazon (and I don't) but if you're going to show your work to professionals and try to get an editor or a literary agent or just show it to anyone who has an opinion you care about, you can't make mistakes like that. There's no excuse for misspelling Rogue. Rogue means go solo, Rouge is a color. You have to keep your A****** wired shut on this one because the minute someone picks up your work and sees an amateur mistake, they just assume you're an amateur and flush you. There are people whose job is reading for a living, and they decide whether or not you get published. Don't ever hand them something that isn't finished, they hate reading errors.

For the story itself, we don't know who your protagonist is. You never introduce him. We don't know what frame he is, we don't know where he's from, he has no name and he has no personality. The only insight we have into his character is that he has to kill people and it makes him sad.

There is nothing about him that we sympathize with. He's just a blank slate, a brick wall.

There's an easy way to make people like a character, you have to have details that people identify with. There has to be things where they say, "yea, I'm just like that too!" And then the reader will say, "I like him, because he's like me." They'll do that subconsciously. The reader is a hostage to his id.

Once the reader decides they like the character, YOU ARE NOW ALLOWED TO OFFICIALLY SLAP *@##$ES. They might say, "I really like that guy, but man, he's a fuckin jerk!" Now there is a conflict, because its a character they think is like themselves, and people have egos and they always like themselves, but they know that the guy is a scumbag.

The way that you make the reader like the character is easy. Its all about stupid little details. The way you do things or something that pisses you off. Pet Peeves and quirks.

 

For example, if you write a story where a character has to put the toilet paper on the holder a certain way, then everyone who does the same thing will be like "OH MY GOD, I TOTALLY DO THAT TOO, I HATE PEOPLE THAT DON'T PUT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL ON THAT WAY." It doesn't matter how stupid or pointless it is, it can even be that exact thing. Once you establish that common ground, the reader will always come back to that character, even if they don't know why- They just see themselves in that character now, even if its something as stupid as how you put a roll of TP on the holder.

Your character doesn't have any of that. He's sad, we don't know who he is, and we start out hating him, because we know he's a badass ninja, but he's a crybaby. he doesn't want to be a ninja. he's a pussy. We don't know anything about him before he was a pussy, and we don't know anything about him after he starts crying. We don't know if he's sad because a shark ate his girlfriend or if he woke up 1,000 years later after being cryogenically frozen and all his family is dead, there's no reason why he's sad, he's really JUST A *@##$.

There's nothing in that whole paragraph you wrote that made me have any sympathy for him, he's just a pouty loser that is bummed out because he's a badass space ninja, and everyone is super excited to be a badass space ninja except him. YOU WROTE DEBBIE DOWNER, AND HE SUCKS. I don't want to read a story about him, I want to read the story about his wacko sociopath friends that love killing badguys. They sound interesting.

There are 2 successful formulas for writing a dramatic or tragic character, and 1 crappy one.

The crappy one is the one you picked- The guy just starts out dramatic for no apparent reason. He's just the badass in the dark corner of the room drinking alone and nobody knows why. THAT'S BORING AND NOBODY CARES. HE CAN SIT THERE AND CRY INTO HIS OWN BEER, SAD AND ALONE.

The two successful formulas are as follows.

1) The character doesn't start dramatic. He has a quality I sympathize with, and then something happens to him, and because I'm already invested in him, it happens to me as well. I experience the drama with him, and now I forgive him for being dramatic because I KNOW THAT FEEL, BRO.

2) The thing that makes him dramatic has to be something I can sympathize with, and it has to happen when the character is introduced. It has to be an event that is so tragic and inevitable that at some point, everyone has to deal with it in their lives. Like if his mom died, I would instantly sympathize with him, because I would say, "Oh S#&$, someday my mom will die too, and I'm going to feel like that." Being sad because you are a tragic space ninja is not something that counts. Nobody is a space ninja. I want to be a space ninja, that's why I play this game.

 

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Ronin666

Ronin666

Posted
Posted

I got this message, and because I wrote AN ESSAY in response, I'm posting the whole thing here for anyone that's interested.

If you don't want to read an essay, ignore it and don't post about how it's a wall of text. That's Off the Island status right there. This is for people who want help writing.

 

 

 

 

BRUTALLY HONEST,

it's really dramatic and it doesn't actually tell us about anything, and you're full of grammar and spelling errors.

That's actually the biggest problem. I'm not published yet either, unless you count self-publishing garbage on amazon (and I don't) but if you're going to show your work to professionals and try to get an editor or a literary agent or just show it to anyone who has an opinion you care about, you can't make mistakes like that. There's no excuse for misspelling Rogue. Rogue means go solo, Rouge is a color. You have to keep your A****** wired shut on this one because the minute someone picks up your work and sees an amateur mistake, they just assume you're an amateur and flush you. There are people whose job is reading for a living, and they decide whether or not you get published. Don't ever hand them something that isn't finished, they hate reading errors.

For the story itself, we don't know who your protagonist is. You never introduce him. We don't know what frame he is, we don't know where he's from, he has no name and he has no personality. The only insight we have into his character is that he has to kill people and it makes him sad.

There is nothing about him that we sympathize with. He's just a blank slate, a brick wall.

There's an easy way to make people like a character, you have to have details that people identify with. There has to be things where they say, "yea, I'm just like that too!" And then the reader will say, "I like him, because he's like me." They'll do that subconsciously. The reader is a hostage to his id.

Once the reader decides they like the character, YOU ARE NOW ALLOWED TO OFFICIALLY SLAP *@##$ES. They might say, "I really like that guy, but man, he's a fuckin jerk!" Now there is a conflict, because its a character they think is like themselves, and people have egos and they always like themselves, but they know that the guy is a scumbag.

The way that you make the reader like the character is easy. Its all about stupid little details. The way you do things or something that &!$$es you off. Pet Peeves and quirks.

 

For example, if you write a story where a character has to put the toilet paper on the holder a certain way, then everyone who does the same thing will be like "OH MY GOD, I TOTALLY DO THAT TOO, I HATE PEOPLE THAT DON'T PUT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL ON THAT WAY." It doesn't matter how stupid or pointless it is, it can even be that exact thing. Once you establish that common ground, the reader will always come back to that character, even if they don't know why- They just see themselves in that character now, even if its something as stupid as how you put a roll of TP on the holder.

Your character doesn't have any of that. He's sad, we don't know who he is, and we start out hating him, because we know he's a badass ninja, but he's a crybaby. he doesn't want to be a ninja. he's a pussy. We don't know anything about him before he was a pussy, and we don't know anything about him after he starts crying. We don't know if he's sad because a shark ate his girlfriend or if he woke up 1,000 years later after being cryogenically frozen and all his family is dead, there's no reason why he's sad, he's really JUST A $#*(@.

There's nothing in that whole paragraph you wrote that made me have any sympathy for him, he's just a pouty loser that is bummed out because he's a badass space ninja, and everyone is super excited to be a badass space ninja except him. YOU WROTE DEBBIE DOWNER, AND HE SUCKS. I don't want to read a story about him, I want to read the story about his wacko sociopath friends that love killing badguys. They sound interesting.

There are 2 successful formulas for writing a dramatic or tragic character, and 1 crappy one.

The crappy one is the one you picked- The guy just starts out dramatic for no apparent reason. He's just the badass in the dark corner of the room drinking alone and nobody knows why. THAT'S BORING AND NOBODY CARES. HE CAN SIT THERE AND CRY INTO HIS OWN BEER, SAD AND ALONE.

The two successful formulas are as follows.

1) The character doesn't start dramatic. He has a quality I sympathize with, and then something happens to him, and because I'm already invested in him, it happens to me as well. I experience the drama with him, and now I forgive him for being dramatic because I KNOW THAT FEEL, BRO.

2) The thing that makes him dramatic has to be something I can sympathize with, and it has to happen when the character is introduced. It has to be an event that is so tragic and inevitable that at some point, everyone has to deal with it in their lives. Like if his mom died, I would instantly sympathize with him, because I would say, "Oh S#&$, someday my mom will die too, and I'm going to feel like that." Being sad because you are a tragic space ninja is not something that counts. Nobody is a space ninja. I want to be a space ninja, that's why I play this game.

 

 

Go home Doozy, yer drunk..like meh

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