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Out Of Frame: The Everyday Lives Of The Tenno - Feedback & Discussion

Jordan_McBeast

By Jordan_McBeast,
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yatin_117

yatin_117

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MAG: I don’t get where this whole idea is coming from that people are surprised we’re American.

EMBER: Yea, look at all the devs. They’re all pasty white guys. Their inspiration for this game probably comes from Wu-Tang Clan and old Bruce Lee movies.

MAG: Well Rebecca is nice.

EMBER: Oh, you’re just kissing &#! because she’s a CM.

TRINITY: Ladies please, its not nice to talk about other girls behind their backs. That’s how the boys win.

EMBER: Yes mother.

MAG: Seriously though, its a bajillion years into the future. We aren’t Japanese. We aren’t American either. We’re like some Blade Runner mix of half-Chinese and half-Mexican mutt people.

EMBER: Which is to say we are American.

MAG: How?

EMBER: Have you ever been to any first world metropolis in Asia? Seoul? Hong Kong? Tokyo? There’s a Mcdonalds or a 711 on every corner. Everybody was American long before the tenno showed up, its cultural imperialism.

MAG: Right, and you’re not a natural redhead, because they died out centuries ago.

EMBER: Nope. Genetic modification. The carpet matches the drapes.

MAG: That’s too much information.

EMBER: I’d invite you to check, but I stay aerodynamic down there.

 

TRINITY: Ladies, that’s quite enough.

ASH: I’ll check.

EMBER: You’ll get your chance.

the devs are Canadian you know

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Doozy84

Doozy84

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Canada isn't real. Its a magical land of suspiciously polite white people sandwiched in the other realm between Alaska and Real America.

Rumor has it that if you go there, you can steal their socialized healthcare and live forever, possibly marry a fairy woman.

Its a mythical place. Its fiction. There's no such thing as Canada, its like Harry Potter or Sparkle vampires that date annoying teen age girls. Its a fantasy.

You can even ask Ced. He's not canadian, he's german. Germans are rational people that only believe in building good cars and bullying poland. They have no time for such flights of fancy.

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Dousiq

Dousiq

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Posted

Canada isn't real. Its a magical land of suspiciously polite white people sandwiched in the other realm between Alaska and Real America.

Rumor has it that if you go there, you can steal their socialized healthcare and live forever, possibly marry a fairy woman.

Its a mythical place. Its fiction. There's no such thing as Canada, its like Harry Potter or Sparkle vampires that date annoying teen age girls. Its a fantasy.

You can even ask Ced. He's not canadian, he's german. Germans are rational people that only believe in building good cars and bullying poland. They have no time for such flights of fancy.

That's not what Ceddy says in clan chat.

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NixeonLow

NixeonLow

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HEY EV3YBoDY! DA PS4 SUKZ BALS! EVN WIIU IS BTER!!!!!! HAAHAHAHAH LOLS XBOX XOXOXO LOL!! :D >:D PC GAMMAS ARF DUM AN DONT REAL GAMMARS! LOLS! HAV FUN WIT U FACBOOK GAMS PC LOZAS!!!!!! LOL!!

 

 

 

This is enough to instill pure rage into the hearts of men likened to that of a man in battle and will immediately turn this thread into a console war that wiil somehow become a war about &*$$sexuality vs &*$$phobism which will then become a war about christianity vs athiesm

 Good job, I was this close to punching my laptop until I hit the second paragraph. You did a very convincing job, but thankfully, the PC master race is still on top.

Zeig Steam! Zeig Steam!

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Doozy84

Doozy84

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CANADA ISN’T REAL

an essay


Throughout my college career, and then my writing career, I have studied  matters of the fey and folkloric for the purposes of research and writing and have become somewhat of an armchair authority on the topic, if not a practical one... At least as practical as one can be when it comes to topics as fanciful as elves and fairies, or in this case, Canadians.


It was over the course of my research that I came to this hypothesis, the hypothesis that Canada is not in fact a real place, but one of the mythical other realms that are a common thread throughout folklore, like Tir-Na-Nog, Valhalla, or Thundera, homeworld of the Thundercats.


It was during this epiphany that I decided that eye witness accounts by people who had actually “been to Canada” were either outright fabrications or the fevered dreams of mad men. I have never met anyone in my life of trustworthy reputation who has ever actually been to Canada. My friend Rob tried to move there once, but was turned back at the border, and my friend Richard had reportedly been there, however he is a suspicious subject who uses recreational drugs and there is no limit to what manner of mad places he “thinks” he has been too. It became clear to me that no one of credible testimony has ever actually been to Canada, much like no one of credible testimony has ever seen the Lochness monster, Bigfoot, or aliens from another world.


I began reading about Canada to discover the secrets of its charm, and determined like many other strange peoples and places around the world, Canada is an enchanted faerie land of local mythology. It either does not exist, or else it is a magical reflection to our world which cannot be reached by typical mortal means, somewhere that must be unlocked by ritual or esoteric craft, like Neverland, or the Caverns of Time from Warcraft.


Allow me to illustrate, by providing parallels from established folklore, the true nature of the mythical land of Ca-Na-Da.


Second star to the right, straight on til morning.


The first clue that Canada is a faery realm from the otherworld is the obvious clue of its location. Many strange realms exist throughout folklore that can be only be glimpsed when looking sideways, or passing through a ritual doorway, or fade in and out of reality once an epoch. In folklore, we call these between world places liminal spaces. A liminal space is like a doorway, a neither here nor there, like the door you must cross through to enter or leave your house, a transient barrier between the inside and the outside. These transitory places often have great power in folklore and local religions around the world, and household spirits that are prayed to for safety or good fortune often count the spirits who are masters of doors and windows to be among the most powerful, as these orifices between spaces are gateways that determine what is in or out. It is these liminal spaces where the fey live. Neither belonging to realms of death or life, of reality or un-reality, they must occupy magical realms between.


Canada is one of these liminal spaces and occupies such territory. Ask anyone where Canada is and how to get there, and they will describe to you a magical formula as ridiculous and esoteric as the one they would describe if you had asked them how one transfers from our own mortal world to the ageless realm of Peter Pan’s Neverland.


Scholars say that Canada is sandwiched somewhere between Alaska and Real America, somewhere in the blistering north where all good boys and girls know to be the snow-frosted realm of Santa Claus’s domain. We know that this land of strangeness is in a liminal space, as it is between two bodies of America, and to get there, we must cross over into the other world, over the northern border of the United States of America, the last bastion of human civilization before the frozen primordial wastes of perpetual night and winter.


Madmen and dreamers who claimed to have “been to Canada” will refute this, saying that Canada “has seasons” and is not always draped in snow will only damage their own credibility. If someone says they’ve actually “been to Canada” and that it was “nice,” you know for sure they have been abducted by the fey others, and you have all the proof you require to prove that Canadians are in fact elves and that Canada is a magical other-realm that does not obey the laws of nature. Here is all the proof you require.


-Any madman that claims to have been to Canada will tell you that he got there by going north until he crossed a magical border out of America, and into the land of the fey. Everyone knows that such borders must be supernatural in nature, as the only purpose of borders is to keep Mexicans from trafficking cocaine into the southwestern United States. Since there are no Mexicans in the frozen north, and Santa uses elves for cheap labor for lack of impoverished latinos, we must assume that the northern border, if it is real at all, is a magical gateway that guards against mortal intrusion into an elven realm, Canada.


-Any madman who claims to not only have transgressed across this mythical gateway, but even stepped foot inside the elven realm and reported that the weather was amicable only gives credence to the theory that Canada is in fact an elven retreat that does not obey the natural law. Every sane human being knows that everything north of California is rainy and pointlessly dreary, and that everyone who lives in the northern United States is either a half-baked folklorist, a laid-off auto worker, or an obnoxious New Yorker. There is no possible life beyond the limit of human endurance that is “Not California Weather,” where only the most destitute and hardiest survivalists and also Robocop can thrive. There is simply no living in these places, everyone knows that Detroit has collapsed into barbarism after the fall of the automotive empire, and that the empty streets are roamed by savages and cyborg law enforcement officers. Also New Yorkers aren’t actually people so they don’t count.


However, the incoherent ramblings of madmen are not the only testament to Canada’s obvious fey nature. There are other mythical signs that betray its otherworldly secrets.

Many adventurers and fortune seekers, among them the destitute and the disenfranchised with nowhere else to turn, like for example, “members of the American middle class that got sick” turn to Canada for its miracle panacea, for the elven land is said to grant life eternal to its occupants. It is here that these fortune seekers and wretches congregate in hopes of drinking from Canada’s most mystical font- Socialized healthcare.


Folklore abounds with stories of humans who have penetrated into the fey otherworld and had their diseases cured, their sickness and injuries healed, and their well-being ensured by the magic of the other side. Many of these stories also foretell of disaster when the mortal intruder finally leaves the magical realm, often finding that incongruent amounts of time have passed and that the years have wasted away their lands and loved ones for lack of their touch. It is often that the mystical realm occupies its own temporal distortion, and this is likewise in the otherworld of Canada, and the proof is all there.


While in Canada, a mortal man might partake of socialized healthcare and live forever and grow fat upon its bounty, provided he tricks the fey Canadians into allowing him to drink from its cup. However, once he retires back to the mortal realm and is in the real world of America again, his Canadian healthcare will crumble and he will once more be subject to the ills of our own system, as Canadian magic can of course not persist under the crippling banality of the real world.



Tricksters and Changelings


Of course, one not need actually travel to the mystical realm of Ca-Na-Da to determine that it is a home of the fey and otherworldly, for every folklorist knows that spirits both benign and malign transgress upon the mortal realm in order to watch over us or make mischief.


Many folkloric creatures are subject to specific rules, like the inability to cross running water, an intolerance or allergic reaction towards cold iron, or the observance of very specific social rituals. Most fey are typically benign in nature provided their strange customs and demands are satisfied, and will not visit their vicious pranks upon a mortal man unless he has broken compact with them. Mystical Canadians, the otherworlders from beyond the borders of known civilization, are no different from typical elves and fairies.


Firstly, Canadians are renowned for their amicable politeness, and will always say please and thank you, among other genteel greetings. They seem quiet and industrious and sympathetic to other people's’ sensibilities, exercising good manners and not trying to ruin everything for other people. Since no normal human beings actually follow the rules of good behavior, it is quite obvious that Canadians are elves and that they are forced by a fey code of conduct to always be amiable and generous to strangers.


However, like most fey, once a Canadian is crossed their tricks become cruel and predatory. The first savage and horrific prank of the fey Canadian is that he never tips. He will be incredibly nice and polite to all who perform a service for him, but he is a miserly leprechaun who is loathe to part with his money. In their native fey land of Canada, the Canadians do not tip and so as mystical creatures from another world, they do not abide by our social norms. It is in this way that foul Canadian changelings are the most cruel and vicious of trickster spirits, lulling waitresses and pizza boys into their service with their honeyed words and then conveniently forgetting to reward them for their deeds. If a Canadian is forced to tip somehow, his power will be robbed of him and he will lose mass and volume, deflating as if like a balloon and fluttering off to his own magical realm to regenerate his essence.


The other betrayal of the otherworldly Canadian spirit, besides his innate politeness and his inability to tip, is his fey money. Folklore is full of stories of fey creatures offering limitless wealth to mortals in exchange for favors or deeds, only for the mortal to discover after the creature is gone that the fortune they received was merely glamored and worthless junk, like twigs or piles of leaves.


This is just so with Canadian money, which looks and feels like real American money, but is actually just so much glamor and lies. Canadians will often attempt to pay for goods and services with their own Canadian money when they intrude into the mortal realm, however any traveler who has used a currency exchanger knows that the American government does not grant value to foreign metal currency, only paper bills. It is for this reason that Canadian tricksters use a system of currency that is enchanted to look and feel like American coinage, so that they may pass their fake money off as legal tender, and be long gone before poor mortal Americans realize they have been tricked. This nefarious deed is often committed by Canadian tourists who intrude upon the mortal realm with their families for the purpose of vacation, where they wallow and frolic with local human children and then slip their perfidious fairy coins into our currency system.


As you can conclude from the above evidence, both in the nature of the Canadian Other Realm and the behaviors of its often benign yet equally perfidious inhabitants, Canada is not a part of the mortal world as you might otherwise believe and is actually the haunt of foreign elven tricksters who sneak into America to entice us with politeness, promises of eternal life, and fey tricks. There is no evidence to suggest that Canada is a real place or that Canadians aren’t elves, we can only assume that Canada has filtered into history through legend, much like Dracula or the American political process. They are merely hobgoblins, and if you ever meet one you should tip your hat and throw salt over your shoulder, watch your cradle to make sure your baby is not snatched and replaced with a changeling, (Cannuckling) and ward them away with a crucifix or an iron horseshoe.

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Doozy84

Doozy84

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As a New Yorker capable of free travel to this mystical realm AND not human does that make mine flesh that of legend? I dont want to start sparkling in the sunlight with a glitter explosion could make a mess on the morning commute.

the good news is, you can break the curse of "being a New Yorker" by moving anywhere else and then never mentioning you're from New York.

Most New Yorkers try to escape the grasp of that horrible place, but are dragged back in by they nature. They feel compelled to tell everyone they're from New York, which annoys the hell out of anyone from "The rest of the country."

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Solaurus

Solaurus

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the good news is, you can break the curse of "being a New Yorker" by moving anywhere else and then never mentioning you're from New York.

Most New Yorkers try to escape the grasp of that horrible place, but are dragged back in by they nature. They feel compelled to tell everyone they're from New York, which annoys the hell out of anyone from "The rest of the country."

Hey I'm from New Jersey and I know alot of New Yorkers and they seem pretty cool!

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