Bladestorm - Part One - Traitorous

[Bennyworld]

Here is the first part in my series of stories based on the Ash warframe, please give constructive criticism, but dont be really mean :P

Thankyou

Bladestorm - Traitorous

My blade whirred in my armoured hands. I was in Tenno squad 1206, and this was my first mission.

My entrance ship was an old Lotus starfighter, the kind we were drilled about in our lessons. Oh those were the days, when I roamed without a care in the world. It was fun, all the training and learning, but now, it all came down to this. This was my time, my time to follow in my forefather's footsteps,and claim my revenge upon the Grineer hordes, who had taken the lives of many noble Tenno.

I had to stay calm.The ship docked in the station, with the usual grinding. Using my Lotus-issue metal-saw, I broke through the roof, and dropped in, along with my comrades.I had to stay calm, they couldn't kill me, I was an Ash. I was born to do this. On my left were a loki and excalibur, on my right, a Frost. With my squadfellows, everything would turn out fine.Of course it would. I readied my boltor, the plastid grip comforting to my hands. Our mission was simple. Take down the ship's generator,so that our star cruisers' heavy weapons could get past the sheilds.

We ran out of the Entrance area. It was not long before we met heavy resistance. Bloody Grineer,I thought, we had to destroy them.I fired my boltor at Two lancers, they did some damadge, but my comrades finished him off. Wow, I can't beleive I'm doing this, I thought, I was finally a true warrior of the Tenno, and I was completing a mission! . Easy, I thought,just keep going.My comrades at my sides, we charged forwards as one, our blades meeting the shell-like armour of the grineer.Still, this was easy, fun, even. I was doing what I was born to do, I was free.

There was a heavy gunner up ahead,so my more accomplished fellows told me to stay back , under cover. I obliged, as my warframe armour was not particularly strong. They charged on ahead, easily taking down the heavily armoured gunner . My minimap now said we were close to the core generator of the ship, only a few hundered metres to go.Now using my Akbolto pistols, we took on the few defenses around the generator. With them out of the way, loki, the brightest of my fellow Tenno, proceeded to hack the Generator computers. We stood back, and held off the squads of grineer sent to attack us.

I looked down and realised my hands were shaking, from a tangled mess of pure excitement and nerves. Loki was just about to finish when a deafening noise thundered throughout the whole station. A blinding light was then emitted from the source of the sound. This huge shockwave of noise and sound knocked us back, away from the generator. As the light receeded, I began to make out a pod-like starship, at least ten metres high. Slowly, with huge plumes of smoke , the sides of these pods slowly opened. I was trembling with fear. What could this be?

How did it even know we were here?

Out of the pods stepped ten huge humanoid figures. At least twice our height, with gorgon-like machine guns strapped to each arm, they were truly terrifying. But what were they? Where did they come from?

However, I soon noticed a detail : their faces were distinctly Grineer. With the sharp edged nose, and peircing, jet black eyes, it took no genius to work out what faction these monsters belonged to.

Out of sheer terror, I started to crawl away, but then these words from training echoed in my mind:

" A true Tenno warrior never surrenders, even at the cost of his life"

A slight pang of courage coursed through me. I was angry. But, We had to get out of here, so we could take on the Grineer another day, with fairer chances. That would be strategic retreat, not surrender.

Using the intercom systems built into our armour, we counted down from five, and then sprinted at once to where our extraction ships were waiting. As I was sprinting, a thought occured to me , how did the Grineer know we were here?. The lotus had shut down all of the telecommunications units, before we came aboard. There could have been no help signal sent. How, then, did they know about our mission? I trembled with worry and fear as I ran. But, as I locked into my extraction ship, I knew one thing - the Tenno had a traitor in their midst.

To be continued and tweaked

Edited February 23, 2013 by Bennyworld

[Ced23Ric]

Heya Benny,

first things first: Paragraphs. Use them. Love them. Everytime a piece of thought(s) is done, break it up. Makes a story a lot easier to read then a wall of text. Also, after a period, put a space or it will all stick together. In general, formatting makes reading easier, and this example is no different. Try to clear up your punctuation and spacing, and it will be a lot better to process.

Other than that, on the story itself, it raises a lot of questions - for example, if this is his first mission, how is he already such an established badass? If he's a youngin', who are these mentioned close friends? It goes on like that, because you seemingly picked up "cool tropes", for their own sake, rather than developing a coherent environment. Try to build things up, rather than throwing elements from many other works into the mix.

One more detail: Don't use "noise words", such as "Boom!" - try to describe the effects rather than using such a word. It disrupts reading flow.

Hope this helps.

PS: Heading back to Lotus HQ would compromise the HQ, considering the guerilla nature of the Lotus activities. I suggest to revisit that and come up with a different solution.

[Bennyworld]

I'm taking all of thi into account, and will re-write when I have the time.

Edited February 23, 2013 by Bennyworld

[Bennyworld]

Is that any better?

It may be a bit more boring, but I've added paragraphs and tried to generally improve the writing technique.