GunDownGrace Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 yeah yeah i know,part of my latest fanfic...but i thought it was interesting as it showed using a neural sentry device to give life to a brain dead person (so what if i got the idea from original series star trek where mccoy made an invincible battle thrall by rigging an electronic device to spock`s brainless body) As the sentient raised it's mangled left arm,planning to impale Zolotoy with it,he looked up,beleiving it was proper to see the moment of his own death.. As the arm came down towards Zolotoy however,another arm,this time human,grabbed the sentient arm and held it firmly in place.The sentient shreiked as it couldnt quite understand what kind of creature could restrain it like this. Then a human fist smashed into the sentient's machine head,then withdrew,and struck again.This process continued for quite some time,damaging both the Sentient's head and the fist,until the sentient fell to the ground,it's head having been smashed in,and the human arms withdrew,with one severely crushed fist and an arm carrying the ripped off sentient limb. Exhaling a sigh of Relief,Zolotoy managed to stand up,hunched over as he was hardly able to keep concious.He turned around so he could see what had struck the sentient down with such brutal force. It was the orokin soldier woman that had been previously brain fried by the prizak exo-suit,her eyes black as night,blood dripping from her smashed right fist.And the neural sentry implant highly visible on the back of her head.She looked at Zolotoy with a generally indifferent expression on her face,but she tilted her head,a hint of recognition in her expression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snydrex Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ask, and thy shall receive. As a scene with depth, comprehension, and expression? It's bad. the visual writing is lacking severely, i.e. The sentient expressing confusion with a shriek, The "hint of recognition", both having to be explained in narrative, rather then from a perspective. But as a pointer scene? It's not bad at all. You make the point of the neural sentry's control quite clear, and show exactly what such a thing is capable of, which was likely the point of this scene in general. The descriptive writing is also substantially better in some areas then others. If I were criticizing, I would recommend expanding on that sort of dialogue through the whole scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GunDownGrace Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ask, and thy shall receive. As a scene with depth, comprehension, and expression? It's bad. the visual writing is lacking severely, i.e. The sentient expressing confusion with a shriek, The "hint of recognition", both having to be explained in narrative, rather then from a perspective. But as a pointer scene? It's not bad at all. You make the point of the neural sentry's control quite clear, and show exactly what such a thing is capable of, which was likely the point of this scene in general. The descriptive writing is also substantially better in some areas then others. If I were criticizing, I would recommend expanding on that sort of dialogue through the whole scene. indeed..i agree with you whole heartedly.see my attention span is short but my creative span is huge...so i have to jot while i still remember,which makes alot of errors also given the lack of info we have about sentients and how they act..i wasnt quite sure how to describe the confusion/terror the sentient felt at being restrained by a human being so easily (as you can see from the excerpt,this sentient was one of the "heavier" ones designed as a sort of strike force leader) and as for the "hint of recognition" i admit that was my fault,by that time i was quite tired,also i wasnt sure how to describe the perspective of a near brain-dead thrall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GunDownGrace Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 how's this as an improvement then?: ______________________________________________________________________________ The sentient raised it's mangled,charred left arm.Black fluid and whisps of energy escaping from it's damaged surface.The entire course of events up to this point made no logical sense,unless however someone knew beforehand.The sentient started trying to communicate with Zolotoy, a sort of "proclamation of setencing" as it were.But all that came out of the sentient was misty jets of the same black fluid.The transport carrier wreck,the fight with Zolotoy,plus the thermite swarm detonations had damaged it's "neck" region quite badly.It would die soon of fluid loss anyways. Zolotoy stared up at the Sentient's raised arm,unflinching as it spoke and the black fluid landed on his face.He figured it was proper that he face his own death with dignity,and that he should see the cause of his own death.The only thing in the back of his mind however,was what exactly had happened to Akili. The Rather heavy sentient then started emitting a loud,electronic "white noise".This was a sort of "Strike cry" as it were,which the sentients had picked up from battling the orokin soldiers.It came before the lethal blow to an enemy.Though sentient attempts to reproduce such a thing were paltry at best.With that,the Sentient began bringing down it's mangled arm towards Zolotoy`s head,throuroughly intending to impale him with it. However,instead of Zolotoy being impaled through the head,which was what the sentient was planning.It`s arm was restrained mid air,with an accompanying "flesh cut" sound.Much to the sentient`s bewilderment,a rather feminine looking human hand had grabbed hold of it`s arm,being sliced open in the process.The sentient Shrieked and growled as it tryed to free itself from this horrifying beast which was restraining it.horrifying because it seemed to have almost no brain activity at all,yet it still moved like it did,a thrall. The female which had restrained the sentient,gave it a non-human,almost lifeless glare.Her eyes were entirely black,permanently turned that way by her previous "unfortunate experience" with the prizak exo-suit.She brought up her right arm,smashing her elbow into the sentient`s head.Withdrawing her right arm,blood dripping from her now fractured elbow,she drove her right fist into the Sentient`s face.She keapt on doing this over and over again,her fist becoming more broken with each strike,and the sentient`s head being smashed in,albeit in a rather gruesome manner a little more each time. After some time of this,She stopped beating the Sentient's head in,and ripped off the arm of the Sentient that she had restrained.Falling to the ground,the Sentient was now quite lifeless. Exhaling a sigh of Relief,Zolotoy managed to stand up,hunched over as he was hardly able to keep concious.He turned around so he could see what had struck the sentient down with such brutal force. It was the Orokin Soldier,the latest female casualty of the attempts to find a suitable candidate for the "prizak" exosuit. She looked at Zolotoy,frowning abit.She nearly remembered him,who he was,but her brain was too damaged at the moment to either feel the pain of her injuries to her right arm,or be quite cognizant of what was going on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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