Psychosis *warning: Not For The Faint Of Heart*

[(PSN)turtletheblack]

Hello fellow Tenno, this is turtletheblack with a little story for you all. Now I must warn you of two things, the first being that this story is a dark, sad, and deranged tale and it is not for the faint of heart. Secondly, I wrote this for my creative writing class so don't expect perfection. But please, let me know what you think and let me know if you'd like to see more. And without further ado, I present you: Psychosis

 

Psychosis

 

“There’s no point in running Lucian, we have the building surrounded. Surrender peacefully or we will open fire.”

The cops’ loudspeaker finally shut off and I could hear my own thoughts once again. Or, were they really my own? It’s so hard to tell these days. All of this screaming and yelling, such maddening agony. More than enough to make a guy go…crazy. I wasn’t always like this, but of course, those were much different times. Back when I had a family who loved me; back when I lived comfortably in a two story house with a wife and two kids; back before the voice started taking over my mind. I don’t know how he compelled me to drive a knife through my wife’s back, or to kidnap my own children and set fire to our home. I don’t know much of anything anymore. I can’t tell what’s up or what’s down. I can’t tell right from wrong, good from evil. All I know is, I crave destruction…

“Last chance Lucian, come out with your hands up or-

“Silence you fool! Can’t you see I’m trying to tell a story to my wonderful, sweet children?”

I turned back to the charred corpses of my children and began to speak to them as if they were still here.

“Please, please forgive me my sweets. Dear Annalise, sweet Lucius, please forgive me for my madness. It was all his fault, it was all his fault.”

Tears streamed down my face as I began to lose consciousness. As my vision faded to black, memories of the past began to flood my mind.

12 Hours Earlier

“Annalise, Lucius, come down for breakfast”

“Coming father!”

The sweet pitter-pattering of children clamoring down the stairs was like music in my ears. The bright smile that stretched across their faces never failed to illuminate my day. I had to stop to think about- how easily I could toss them across the room- what we were going to do that evening. I fixed their plates and we all sat down to eat. After we finished, I drove the kids off to school and went up to my bedroom to say farewell to my beautiful wife, Sonata, before I drove off to work.

It wasn’t a busy day at work but I wasn’t feeling so good. I filled my thermos up with water and took some Advil to ease my headache. I stood up and walked over to my window and smashed my head on the glass repeatedly until brain matter and blood were splattered all over the floor took a nice long gaze out over the city. Empyrean was such a beautiful setting. Skyscrapers peppered the landscape and the morning sun made the windows on all the buildings shine with a sense of elegance and pure beauty. Oh how I wish I could- burn this whole damned place to the ground- own one of those skyscrapers one day. But those were mere pipe dreams. Besides, I was quite content with my current standings. I was earning an honest wage and I loved my job. Making video games has been a lifelong dream of mine and even though I’m only editing the music for it, one day I will- kill everyone in this place- rise to the top and make my own game. It was around two when I started feeling nauseous. My office began to warp as if the very fabric of time and space was being changed around me. I fell to the ground and laid there unconscious for several hours.

4 Hours Earlier

It was around six o’clock when I awoke, though I wish I hadn’t. Blood was splattered all over the entire office building. The entrails of my coworkers coated the floors and desks, the water in the cooler was replaced with blood, and the whole placed reeked of death. There wasn’t a single place I could step without my foot plopping into a puddle of gore and sinew. I looked around, horrified at the sight of once was my workplace. Nervously, I reached into my pocket and began to dial 9-1-1 when a shadow appeared in the corner of my eye.

“H-Hey! Hey you!”

My voice wavered as I shouted out to the figure. They turned their head and gave me a sly smile, then they disappeared into the shadows.

“Come back here!” I yelled. I pocketed my phone and gave chase. Shortly after I had to stop. The shadowy figure was nowhere to be seen. I could hear sirens in the background coming towards the building and I began to panic. In fear, I fled the building, got into my car and started driving.

2 Hours Earlier

I couldn’t go home, not in the state I was in. My clothes were covered in blood, I couldn’t go home to my family like this. I drove on for hours until I finally found a dark alleyway to rest in.

“We sure had some fun back there huh?”

“What? Who said that?”

I whipped my head around in a frantic motion, desperate to see what lurked outside of my peripheral vision.

“You know, you should probably get out of town. The cops will find you eventually you know”

“Who’s talking? Show yourself!”

I was still in a stupefied state from the events that transpired earlier. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t control my breathing.

“Don’t be so scared. You can’t see me because I am a part of you.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I am the darkness lurking in the recesses of your mind. I am every dark thought, every bad memory, every semblance of hatred in your body. I am you…”

As the voice continued to speak, I felt my body growing weaker and weaker as though I was being forced to submit to a higher power. My mind became clouded with visions of death and destruction and I could do nothing to fight back.

“Everything you once loved, everything you once lived for is meaningless now. Once your family knows the truth about you, they will never love you again. You are a monster now; everywhere you go, everything you do, everything you touch, will be destroyed. You are death now…”

As the voice went silent I began to ponder on his words. The longer I thought, the more distraught I became.

“Could it all be true? I wondered? “Am I really a monster?”

 Suddenly, an anger welled up inside of me and burst out like a volcano.

“No!” I shouted. “You’re wrong! My family will support me! They will help me! I refuse to live in fear like this!”

I started up the car and began driving back home.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you…”

The voice trailed off as I sped home. About an hour later I pulled into the driveway.

1 Hour earlier

“If you go into that house, your family will suffer.”

“You cannot control me!”

I struggled to wrestle my mind free of the evil that had corrupted it. I was about to walk step inside my house when the feeling of nausea washed over me once again. My vision began fading to black as the voice began to speak again.

“You refuse to listen to me? Very well. This time, I won’t be so kind.”

I stood up and walked inside of my house, but it wasn’t me. I could see my body walking to my house, but I was not in control. My wife must have heard the door open because she came sprinting down the stairs to chastise me.

“What the hell are you doing out so late Lucian!? You were supposed to pick the kids up after school right when you got off from work. You didn’t even so much as call to tell me you were working late. How could you do something like this?”

I begged and pleaded for my wife to get away from me but my mouth would not open. I was forced to watch as “I” grabbed the steak knife off of the kitchen counter and plunge it through my wife’s throat. Her mouth filled with blood as she gargled on her own death. Slowly she collapsed to the floor, dead. Suddenly, a shrill scream pierced the air. My daughter, Annalise, had seen the whole thing. “I” quickly fixed my eyes on her as she flew up the stairs, still screaming.

“Please, please, don’t harm my kids, I beg of you!”

“Do you think I will show you any mercy? Insolence shall not be tolerated”

“I watched as “I” grabbed my kids by the throat and slammed their heads against the wall until they were both unconscious. “I” carried them downstairs and set them on the couch. “I” walked over to the stove and turned all of the gas on. Then “I” set the oven on a timer and left the lid slightly open. Afterwards “I” put them both into the trunk of my car and began driving. Moments later, my house exploded into a damnable ball of flames and despair. The voice began to laugh as we sped off towards an unknown destination. After a few minutes of driving, we stopped at an abandoned building.  “I” popped open the trunk, picked up the bodies of my children, and carried them up three flights of stairs. Then I drenched them in gasoline and set them ablaze. I sat there and cried silently, helpless. My kids were being turned into ash before my very eyes and I could do nothing about it. I was defeated.

“What is this place?” I cried. “Why did you take them to die here?”

“Why? Because all the world’s a stage my dear Lucian. The police should be here any minute.”

As if on cue, I saw the blue and red lights careening down the streets. Dozens of police cars surrounded the building. I was trapped and I still had no idea what “I” had planned for me.

 “I” walked over to the edge of the building and peered out over the city. The entire area seemed to be engulfed in flames.

“Do you see what I see Lucian? I see a perfect world. No hunger, no pain, no strife; eternal peace and comfort for all, in death. Is this not the kind of world you wish to live in? Isn’t this what you want?”

“ I- I suppose it is what I want. I only want to make everyone happy. I want for everyone to be at peace”

“Do you see any wrong out there? No. Only when this world is cleansed by fire can it be perfect”

Suddenly, I snapped back into reality. I looked down at my hands, my own bloodied hands, and I realized, there was no voice. It was only my conscience. My inner most desires finally being realized and released. I craved destruction.

0 Hours Earlier

I awoke in a daze. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs as I finally regained my bearings.

“There’s only one way out of this Lucian. Do it”

The cops had reached the floor I was on but they were too late. There I was, standing on the edge of a crumbling building. The next thing I knew, I was falling. Then all went black.

[artemisfortune]

Not really scary, just overly gory. It was a nice idea to add the thoughts intermingled with the story, but I would have made the bad thoughts stand out a little bit more, it breaks the composition of it's just italicized. Gore is not scary though, just fyi, and I didn't care for any of the characters. That's what you want to do with this kind of writing. Reel in feelings for characters within the first paragraph. See "Cure for Cancer" or "Borrasca". Keep trying though.

[Evanescent]

I have a couple of things to say about the writing:

 

1) I had no idea what was happening. There is little to no coherence in the text. How is this related to warframe? How is this all making sense? Who is the voice? Why were the children killed? What time period is this in? 

 

2) Hyperviolence and lots of gore do not a deranged tale make. When you write madness into your story you juxtapose the mundane with the unnatural to highlight the unease in the reader. You want to make them uncomfortable and have them questioning the things in their lives they take for granted. Your gore made the reader squeamish, but little else. If you want them to understand your character's fear you have to simulate psychological horror in them. I recommend studying Kafka's writing to get the best idea of how psychological horror can be implemented in your writing.

 

3) Your characters are not relatable. At the very least when one reads a character-driven story they should be able to feel a link to the character the story follows. I had no emotional attachment to either the children or the father. The general incoherence and lack of character develpment played a key part in this.

 

4) Thoughts as metaphors: You make a character more real if the thoughts in his head flow around naturally and spring from the things he sees, wondering on what he sees and what they could mean. Maybe a clock that stopped ticking showing his time is up, maybe simple things in his life being rapidly altered to turn his world on its head. You need to make us see the world through him, and make it seem real. 

 

 

Hopefully with these criticisms you will be able to improve and make better and better writings in the future.

 

I look forward to seeing you write again! :)

 

 

 

PS: If you have any questions or want to talk to me about something related to your writing please don't hesitate to send me a PM right away.

Edited November 16, 2015 by Evanescent

[artemisfortune]

-snip-

You got ninja'd brah. But I just wanted to say this in off-topic, so it doesn't have to be related to warframe.

[(PSN)turtletheblack]

Thanks so much for the speedy feedback guys! It really means a lot. In response, I do actually agree with the whole gore issue. I wasn't necessarily trying to be scary (I'm not very good at writing scary stories), I just wanted it to portray the over exaggeration of the craziness of the character. Evanescent, you bring up an excellent point about the character reliability. I know it's not excuse, but I have to attribute that to the length of the story itself. This was for an assignment (due tomorrow) and I was honestly just trying to get it done XD. Who knows though, maybe I'll find the time to refine it and actually make it somewhat decent. Thanks for all of the feedback though!

[Evanescent]

Thanks so much for the speedy feedback guys! It really means a lot. In response, I do actually agree with the whole gore issue. I wasn't necessarily trying to be scary (I'm not very good at writing scary stories), I just wanted it to portray the over exaggeration of the craziness of the character. Evanescent, you bring up an excellent point about the character reliability. I know it's not excuse, but I have to attribute that to the length of the story itself. This was for an assignment (due tomorrow) and I was honestly just trying to get it done XD. Who knows though, maybe I'll find the time to refine it and actually make it somewhat decent. Thanks for all of the feedback though!

It is difficult, but possible to make very endearing or lovable characters in even a 200 word tale. You have to cut the excess fat and put in the right actions at the right time.