Origin Stories: The First Of Them (Ch. 58: "Broken" Update)

[ROSING]

55 minutes ago, FiveHours said:

Been a while since I've seen this thread. And I must say, ROSING, you've cut out quite a name for yourself! I'm sure we can all agree that this story is an incredible piece, and every bit of praise it receives is well-deserved and worthy for such an author. To be frank, when I glanced at the first chapter on the first day this was written, I would have never expected it to gain 40 chapters, nearly three seasons, and a small fanbase to boot. Admittedly, the writing style was not at its peak back then, but as time went on I've seen it get better and better, and I can finally see the true potential behind it blooming. ROSING, this is very, truly, one of the best fanfictions I've read. Ever. Being the basement-dwelling writing machine I am, believe me that it comes from the heart.

Anyway, praise aside, I must comment on the recent chapters. I must admit I did lose the plot a tiny bit, and went back to re-read the story. Since there's waaay too much material to cover, I'll stick to the last four chapters you've released. I'll avoid commenting on the characters too much, but I must say that the dialogue between some of them appears authentic, but there's an itch I can't scratch about them. they seem too dramatic sometimes, very unrealistic in that particular situations. This reminds me of the classic anime "spouts entire monologue in the middle of swinging a sword" trope that appears too often for my liking. Make the dialogue appropriate to the situation.

For example, in the middle of a battle, where infested are clawing at your face every second, lines like "Sorry, but my mind is a little cooked, and having a tempest of agony and insanity going off in my head isn't helping either." are rarely able to be said. Remember that dialogue shapes the pace of the scene, so if you try to make a battle scene fast paced and make the characters talk in long-winded sentences, it will come out as unnatural and jarring. Additionally, poetic lines like "a tempest of agony and insanity" (something which I can slightly question the sense of) are best used in narrative, not dialogue. Let's admit it; no one talks like that, not even cyborg space ninja dudes (or dudettes, for that matter).

Apart from that, there are very tiny little qualms that I would pay attention to, as indeed I don't think anyone's writing can be completely perfect, and my opinion is subject to my draconian criticisms, so pay it no mind. Better yet, I should comment on the flow of your scenes, which are much more improved. They read nicely and the pacing is appropriate to the context.

As for the recent kill-your-darlings attitude, I hate to say it, but well done. You pulled it off well and it adds drama and freshness to the series. I'm excited for the next instalment to see how it affects the others. Well played.

Hey Five,

As I feel like I've said to you before, appreciate the praise and value the feedback. Good point about the unrealistic dialogue, I'll definitely keep that in mind. I suppose I have been watching a bit too much anime and manga recently, and while I will say that I feel I've learned a lot from that medium in terms of dialogue, that's definitely something that can be left behind.

I'll be doing a post-mortem of this season as a whole after I publish the last chapter and that will probably help unpack some of the other concerns that you and others have had about this season.

[ROSING]

Chapter 41: Aftermath, is now available on  Post #34  or in the google doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W5d-GoNxuJIJg45SdTa5Mmk96nRqV06AEOik7uF_PbE/edit?usp=sharing

Also, a quick edit to the escape scene in chapter 40:

Spoiler

"Tenno, you have seven minutes before that core goes critical," Ford said. “Get out of there, now!”

"Understood, Colonel," Hayden said, "That's plenty of ti—"

The ship gave a violent shudder, causing the two Tenno to brace themselves against the rail. The shuddering grew more violent, and a terrifying sound groaned throughout the ship. It sounded at once like the tearing of metal and the screaming of a gargantuan monster.

The wall of the stomach above them was split open, and a massive tendril burst through.

That's one of the tendrils from the hull of the ship, Miyoko thought. There was only one reason why the infected wormship would tear itself open to reach the stomach.

Looks like the virus wants us to stay.

Miyoko stopped in her tracks and grabbed Hayden, pulling him back just as the tendril crushed the section of the walkway they were about to reach, destroying it completely. Debris from several layers of the wormship rained down on them as the tendril continued its inexorable path downwards.

It left a gap that was too far for the Tenno to reach even with a bullet jump. But the rubble from the wormship's self inflicted wound continued to pour down. And as air was sucked into the breach towards the vacuum of space and the internal gravity of the wormship failed, the descent of the wrecked parts of the ship were slowed to a crawl.

The pieces were jagged and uneven. But as the debris passed through the gap, Miyoko felt herself being reminded of the Simulacrum once more. We still have our movement systems. If we can use the rubble, then maybe we can still get across...She looked at Hayden, and knew he was thinking the same thing.

"Jump!" Miyoko yelled, and they leapt into the impromptu path of twisted steel pieces.

The two Tenno leapt from one piece of debris to the next. Miyoko planned her moves three steps in advance, eyes estimating where each piece would fall, pushing off of vertical surfaces and getting running jumps off of flat sections to move closer and closer to the exit, bullet jumping wherever she could.

But Hayden lagged behind. There were too many pauses as he looked for which piece to move to next, not enough bullet jumps to reach the other side in time. As she reached other side of the walkway, he was only halfway across, with no more rubble to jump off from, and as he fell with the last of the debris.

She reached the other edge of the walkway, barely pausing in the safety of the ground before leaping back towards him.

But I'll leave it at that and won't dwell on it any longer.

So, the post-mortem.

I did a LOT of experimenting with this season, primarily with different strategies for relationships and character building. Some of it worked, some of it didn't. Before I give you guys my thoughts, I wanted to hear yours first. Burning criticisms or admirations for this season, lay it on me. What didn't work and what did? Which characters suffered and how do you think they could've been saved (not Hayden, there's no saving him now >:) ). Miyoko, Victoria, Roland, Morgan, Kat, etc. how did they turn out in the end? I'll be using whatever feedback I get as I move forward for the next season.

Speaking of the next season, it won't begin immediately. I've decided that there will be a definitive break between this chapter and the next one so I can regroup for the next season. I'm aiming to have about a month. I'll still be working on it, but this way, I'll be able to prepare for unexpected developments in plot and character.

[Evanescent]

Mainly you should have learned that rushing relationships never work, and not everyone needs to be shipped into pairs.

[Lankander]

This season felt a bit too focused on the relationships between characters as it left story progression to the end, in the first season we got to know the Tenno and follow their discovery and understanding of their powers, that same journey drove them to interact with eachother and with the supporting characters, it felt like they had a purpose, adding Nemesis as a final boss was a great call, it built up at a nice pace and at the end it lead into the second season smoothly.

This season, while interesting in its own way and having improved greatly by the end at times felt like watching one of those reality TV's where they lock up 20 people in a house and see how they cope with eachother and who ends up dating who, like i mentioned a few chapters ago, some relationships felt forced and shallow, lets take for example Gregor and Kat:

We know they were in the same transport ship and Gregor regretted her death along with his friends because he was powerless to save them, then we know she's alive with anger issues and after a breakdown they kiss, never to mention it again, where's the chemistry? the reasons for them to be a valid couple? Stuff like that which felt like fan-service

At the final chapters it felt like the first season, the Tenno had an objective, and while inexpert they managed to overcome impossible odds, then you Ned Starked us and i @(*()$ lost it, im not S#&$ting you while reading chapter 41 i remembered the final conversation between Hayden and Ford and i got teary-eyed.

Overall: This season had a different and interesting approach to the story which can be improved in future chapters, you got to experiment a lot with how characters express their emotions which i think is vital in transferring said emotions to the reader, all while managing to twist the plot leaving us in expectation for what is to come.

You've come a long way Ros, but now the next summit awaits, are you ready to make the climb?

[ROSING]

21 hours ago, Evanescent said:

Mainly you should have learned that rushing relationships never work, and not everyone needs to be shipped into pairs.

 

17 hours ago, Lankander said:

This season felt a bit too focused on the relationships between characters as it left story progression to the end, in the first season we got to know the Tenno and follow their discovery and understanding of their powers, that same journey drove them to interact with eachother and with the supporting characters, it felt like they had a purpose, adding Nemesis as a final boss was a great call, it built up at a nice pace and at the end it lead into the second season smoothly.

This season, while interesting in its own way and having improved greatly by the end at times felt like watching one of those reality TV's where they lock up 20 people in a house and see how they cope with eachother and who ends up dating who, like i mentioned a few chapters ago, some relationships felt forced and shallow, lets take for example Gregor and Kat:

We know they were in the same transport ship and Gregor regretted her death along with his friends because he was powerless to save them, then we know she's alive with anger issues and after a breakdown they kiss, never to mention it again, where's the chemistry? the reasons for them to be a valid couple? Stuff like that which felt like fan-service

At the final chapters it felt like the first season, the Tenno had an objective, and while inexpert they managed to overcome impossible odds, then you Ned Starked us and i @(*()$ lost it, im not S#&$ting you while reading chapter 41 i remembered the final conversation between Hayden and Ford and i got teary-eyed.

Overall: This season had a different and interesting approach to the story which can be improved in future chapters, you got to experiment a lot with how characters express their emotions which i think is vital in transferring said emotions to the reader, all while managing to twist the plot leaving us in expectation for what is to come.

You've come a long way Ros, but now the next summit awaits, are you ready to make the climb?

Yeah, I'm kicking myself a bit for the Gregor and Kat thing. I initially planned for that not to happen, but I had no idea what I was doing with that scene in Kat's room so it just kind went that way. And now we're here.

In terms of shipping everyone, I was trying to be cautious of that, and I even wanted to make a play on that by making Victoria and Morgan/Roland seem like a thing but then break it up, but maybe I took too long to do that. So for all of you who said that it didn't look like it was going to work out, it wasn't supposed to. Anyway, I am conscious of the fact, I just ended up having a few more than I wanted, which tipped things over the edge. But what I can say is that this story isn't over; I still have chances to redeem myself and seasons do not necessarily wrap up the entirety of a relationship (see Darren and Jolla), though I admit I have no idea what's going to happen next for Gregor and Kat (I do for Vic and her friends). BUT IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!!

In terms of actual character development though, were there any problems in how those were carried out? I'm looking at specifically Kat, Victoria and Miyoko. Or did those get lost in the noise of all the ships crashing?

[Cyriann]

29 minutes ago, ROSING said:

In terms of actual character development though, were there any problems in how those were carried out? I'm looking at specifically Kat, Victoria and Miyoko. Or did those get lost in the noise of all the ships crashing?

It all felt pretty good to me, but I'm an easy public when I like something. The ships were numerous and I found that fun.As for char development, it was easy to follow for most of the chars. The only ones who were a bit hard to follow for me were Miyoko, with her jumping back and forth between love happy and crazy sad, as well as Rolland with his "Judging" problem and all his clashes with Morgan.

 

Aside from this constructed feedback..That season was awesome !!!

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

Kat feels shallow as in unrelatable, Miyoko feels like a *@##$ as in annoying af, and Victoria seems like that one character that you get angry at because they're so @(*()$ stupid. Otherwise all other characters seem fine and keep up the good work. You could "fix" Kat by making her beat the S#&$ out people due to her temper, Miyoko kinda got stuck as Haydens back up dancer for a while but not really anymore so that should help, and Victoria is a little too much of Nun that is only ever good and nice because goodness is all that's good (a.k.a You overused the Sympathy card with her). Just my opinions of course 

Edited August 31, 2016 by (PS4)Pinguin_ops

[ROSING]

Something that I wanted to do with these characters is turn a few things on its head. I intended for Victoria to get caught in a love triangle but then break it up and have her be completely independent. I wanted Kat to have a very useful power but have it conflict with who she wants to be. Pretty much this entire arc was me struggling to set up how to break Miyoko away from being a plot device for Hayden. I want to say that I did all of that, but I took way too long to do it and I didn't do almost any of it well. Miyoko and Kat I saw an opportunity to make them relatable as characters, Miyoko for her frustration at cracking under pressure and Kat for struggling with inner demons, but obviously I failed at it. I'm pretty disappointed with how this season turned out as a whole for them, because I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to approach these characters and I will say they are probably the hardest I've ever dealt with.

But they got the development that I wanted, and moving forward I have a better idea of how to handle them. From the way the next season is shaping out to be, I think it will be moving closer to the feel it had in the first two seasons. Until then, thank you all for your feedback, positive and negative. Stay tuned for Season 4.

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

The last enrty "41" was pretty good and definitely set up season 4 nicely 

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

*HYPE INTENSIFIES*

 

[Cyriann]

1 hour ago, (PS4)Pinguin_ops said:

*HYPE INTENSIFIES*

Leave ROSING the time needed to create the next part of the story.

[ROSING]

Haha yes, still working unfortunately. I have a rough draft of like 1 and a half chapters out but in order to avoid the pileup that happened last time, it's still chugging along, I'm giving myself to form the bulk of the the story in my head.

I'm also juggling this story with another that I'm writing for a class, which unfortunately takes some priority, but I'm still working on both and so far it hasn't posed too much of a problem. I'll let you guys know as soon as I feel comfortable coming out with the first chapter. Thanks for your patience!

[ROSING]

Anyone out there?

Good.

An audience is never obligated to read what the writer has put before them. The onus is on the creator to make something worthy of attention.

After much delay due to classes and job searching, both of which have now been substantially reduced, Season 4 is slated to begin and the first several chapters are underway. In preparation for that, and to whet your appetite a little, allow me to show you a bit of a preview for the first chapter. Hope you enjoy, and as always, feedback and comments are appreciated.

CHAPTER 42 PREVIEW: REMEMBRANCE

Spoiler

Aung bent over the table, hands working furiously on a holopad as she ran her calculations. Dominating an entire half of the room beside her were two golden rings on opposite ends of the wall, streams of electricity sparking around their rims. Set before one was a strange white cannon-shaped object, a circular slot atop the middle and the nozzle pointed towards the ring’s center.

At last, the scientist leaned back, satisfied. In her intensity, her body had assumed a slouch, and she craned her neck, rubbing it with one hand. She picked up a circular key from the desk and fit it into the slot of the cannon. The device fired a golden beam at the ring. Once it reached the center, as if hitting an invisible wall, the golden energy splashed along it and raced to the rim of the ring, filling the circle with a golden pool of light. Through it, she could start to make out the first of the pearlescent nebula beyond. The Void.

Aung reached into her pocket and pulled out a Void ball from Director Coven’s lab. She took a breath before tossing it into the Void portal. The ball slipped through the closest ring and vanished into the hellspace. She stared intently at the second ring, waiting.

A few minutes later, there was a sucking sound as another golden sheen appeared along the second ring, and the ball materialized from within it. It landed on a waiting automated tray, which whirred across the floor to her table.

The scientist picked up the orb and placed it into a small container. She nodded to herself, satisfied, taking the key out of the cannon and dissipating the portal. A yawn escaped her lips, and she checked the time. It was already well into the morning. Her eyelids began to droop. She leaned back further into the chair, her head tipping back.

From the darkest confines of her memory, a mutilated Grineer leapt screaming at her, arm outstretched and teeth salivating.

Her eyes snapped open. She clutched at her own arm, body trembling.

The door opened. “Aung? Have you been working all night?” One of her lab partners stepped inside, still rubbing his eyes from a likely restful sleep. “This thing’s still going to be here when you wake up, you know.”

“Only if the Empire still is,” she said, smoothing the sleeve of her coat. “They say that Sentients never sleep.”

“Well, that’s because they’re inhuman,” her friend said. He sat down on his work station. “What have you been doing?”

Aung held up the container. “Finalizing things.”

His eyes widened. “Then, did you…?”

She shrugged. “We’ll have to see. On paper it all works out, but it’ll be a few days before we find out if this is really going to work.”

He nodded. “Then get some rest, Aung. You’re no good to us half-dead.”

Aung stiffened.

He noticed her unease. “Oh.” He gave an awkward laugh. “Sorry, I guess that was a bit off-color, after what…what happened. You were quite close to the outbreak, weren’t you?”

“It’s no problem,” she said, smiling reassuringly. “I appreciate your sentiment, Henry.”

He shifted uncomfortably, then nodded. “Don’t mention it,” he said. “I’ll tell Bell you’re taking a break.”

“Thanks.” She started walking towards the exit.

“Good work, by the way,” he called to her. “We couldn’t have even made half as much progress without you. You’re really giving this one everything you got, aren’t you?”

She paused at the door. “Yes,” she said, turning. “After all, creating a god may just be my magnum opus.”

 

The room’s lights snapped on as Nadia walked into the room, revealing a row of large vats on either side of the hallway. Various experiments, half organic and half technological, floated inside each vat, preserved in varying stages of decay.

At the end, a lone lamp shone on a raised tube, smaller than the rest. Drifting inside the red substance were the remains of a helmet, half of its face cracked open. The once long antennae rising from the center was snapped in half, the remainder floating apart from the piece.

Nadia plugged a holopad into the console beside the vat, typing in a command. The murky crimson started to drain, the visage sinking to the bottom. As the last of the liquid was sucked into a small hole in the center of the tube, the mask made a slight clink as it came to rest upon the floor of the vat. There was a hiss and the vat’s glass chamber rose.

She took a breath and reached for the helmet.

As she touched it, an image flashed to her mind. She was standing atop the simulated stairwell of an Orokin capital ship. A few steps down was her opponent, clad in a horned Warframe prototype, a gleaming blue energy sword in his hand. She raised her sword and charged at him.

Nadia withdrew her hand. She massaged her temples, sighing. She reached out again and grasped the helmet. As she did, another image sprung to her mind. Atop the same stairwell, lying in Hayden’s lap, his confused smile over her as her eyes closed.

She jammed the remains of the Nemesis helmet onto her face. “Stop playing with me, creature,” she spat.

There was a pause before the Nemesis armor answered. Oh dear. We haven’t…been in touch for so long, I thought you might like to relive the good old days.

Nadia closed her eyes. “You mean the days when I was your pawn?” She flooded energy into the helmet, slipping into the conscience of the Nemesis armor itself and projecting herself within.

The mind of the Warframe prototype was a black and abyssal chamber. A mental projection of the Nemesis armor stood before her. It started at her appearance. You—

 

Nadia leapt forward and slammed her fist into the armor. It collapsed onto the ground, and Nadia landed on top of it, hands grabbing its throat. “Those days are over,” she said. “Now, it’s me who’s inside your head.”

It gave a dark chuckle. Yes. The days of your weakness are indeed over. They died with Hayden, didn’t they?

Nadia sucked in a breath, and the Nemesis armor twisted its body, rolling her off of it. Oh, I guess not. The diamond-shaped blade of a Dark Sword appeared in its hand.

“So,” Nadia said, “There was a part of you connected to the Aphrodite.”

Of course, Nemesis replied, I saw him fall with our own eyes. It was a shame. They tried to take the girl, but you know how Hayden is.

 

“And Gregor’s wounds?” Nadia circled carefully, eyes watching the blade.

I take full credit for that one. A pity I couldn’t finish the job. The rogue prototype lunged forward, blade flashing.

Nadia projected a Skana into her own hands and blocked the attack, pushing away the Warframe and leaping to her feet. Before the Nemesis armor could react, she struck twice in rapid succession, the first blow knocking the Dark Sword out of Nemesis’ grasp, the second striking the head. As the Warframe fell, she grabbed the falling Dark Sword and drove it through her opponent to the ground, impaling it. The prototype cried out.

“Don’t think I’m the same girl from before,” Nadia said. “And especially don’t think you can beat me, even inside your own head. Your swordsmanship is nothing without mine.”

“But you’re still as touchy as ever about Hayden, I see,” the Nemesis armor said, using Nadia’s voice. The helmet peeled back, and the girl found her own face smiling back at her. “You act tough, but you still miss him too, don’t you?” it rose from the ground, the Dark Sword sinking further through until it slipped out from the hilt. “Still, I suppose it’s just as well that he’s gone, isn’t it?” Its eyes flashed. “He never got to know the real you.”

Nadia’s grip tightened on the Skana. “Shut up!” She dashed forward, blade swinging, but in a swift move, the Warframe sidestepped her, drawing the Dark Sword from the ground as she followed through her pivot and raked it along Nadia’s back. The girl gasped out and dropped to her knees, leaning on the Skana for support.

“Let’s not play mind games with each other, little Nadia. I think we both know how they turn out. Fragment I may be, but when it comes to mental games, size hardly counts.” Nemesis knelt next to the girl. “It’s all about your smarts, using your noggin,” she said, rapping on Nadia’s head.

It leaned into her ear. “And my noggin tells me that you’re afraid. Afraid that your victory aboard the Aphrodite hardly counts. You’re afraid that Hayden Tenno’s death was in vain. That maybe, there’s some part of me still floating out there, ready to return and take away everything that you ever cared for.”

“You already took away everything I cared for,” Nadia said, glowing green, and Nemesis realized too late that its attack had been absorbed. The stored energy blasted outward from the Tenno, staggering the Warframe. Nadia rose swiftly, summoning a second Skana in her other hand. In another flurry of moves, Nadia knocked the Dark Sword high in the air and drove both her blades into Nemesis, pinning it again back against the floor. The diamond sword landed several feet away.

Nemesis sighed, head knocking back against the floor. “I already did, huh?” a twisted giggle echoed in the empty chamber. “Now, I think we both know that’s a lie.”

“You’re wasting my time,” Nadia said. “I have some questions for you, and you will answer them, one way or another.” She twisted the blades and sank them deeper.

The Nemesis armor grunted, then gave another laugh. “What do you want to know, little Nadia?” it asked, eyes flashing green with malice

 

Edited January 1, 2017 by ROSING

[Lankander]

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

MY BODY IS READY

[Evanescent]

I must say, a break did you good. Nice punchy writing, I like it. 

[Cyriann]

Well well... Nice and fresh for a new start. 

Waiting for the rest. 

[Evanescent]

*thirsts for more*

 

[Akavakaku]

It's almost hard to believe Season 3 and pre-edits Season 1 were written by the same person. The characters, the relationships, and the action have improved so much, and the writing has become even more engaging despite the increasing cast of characters. The Wave 2 Tenno were hard to care about when they were first introduced, but this has completely ceased to be a problem. Each of them has their own fascinating subplots and perspectives, any one of which I could go into a tangent about how I liked. Also, I've read my share of horror, and "Convergence" was still one of the scariest things I've read.

And way to punch the readers in the feelings with that ending!

What didn't seem quite as fascinating to me, though, was reusing Nemesis as the "final boss" of the season. I was hoping the secret payload of the Aphrodite would be Lephantis, who after all was spawned from an Orokin weapon. And it was a little obvious the "distress call" was an Infested trap. Even so, there were things I liked about the scene, such as the Infested tonfa and the (possible?) shout-out to Nidus in Nemesis II's helmet shape.

[ROSING]

Thanks for your comments guys. I was afraid that I had waited too long and everyone left, or that this post would get archived.

Anyway, Chapter 42: Remembrance, is now out on Post #34 or in the Google Doc here.

Oh and Happy New Year, everybody!

Edited January 1, 2017 by ROSING

[Evanescent]

At the day's parting

I left you my sword

I left you my crown

My heart

My last dream

at the day's parting.

[Cyriann]

A king's fall makes a Queen's rise I'd say.

Now to see if the tennos can live up to the legend of the Fallen King.

[ROSING]

They're going to have to trump his legend if anything

Good poem, Evan!

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

[ROSING]

I apologize for making you wait, but I'm also glad that I did; this chapter is a lot better than what it was a week ago.

Whether it actually is good or not is up for you to decide, however. Chapter 43, Surfacing, is now available both on Post #34 and via the google drive: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IVNyZMvKcev_6MDCspkGbNzXankuTn_Q-ZjFdE_wi1o/edit?usp=sharing

Pls send feedback or good vibes :T

[Evanescent]

My intuition tells me that's some intuitive storytelling going on but perhaps too intuitively laying into the intuitive, but hey that's just my intuition.