Origin Stories: The First Of Them (Ch. 58: "Broken" Update)

[(PSN)avatar-heart]

That's a really nice and I luv the lore^^

[ROSING]

20 hours ago, Lankander said:

Oh crap i forgot to comment the other day.

Good chapter Ros, glad to see the Tenno back in some (very well written) action.

Sebastian is turning into one of my favourite characters, hope we get to know him better

Woohoo! Seb will be getting a bigger role in the next season (which also means that he will survive this season-spoilers).

19 hours ago, (PS4)avatar-heart said:

That's a really nice and I luv the lore^^

Thanks! Appreciate the comment :)

[ROSING]

Thaaaat was a LONG-&#! chapter!

Chapter 39: Abnegation is now out for your viewing pleasure and critique on Post #32 or on the Google doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hJpO8wJat54eb0fhblQcpOlf2_3NfMHk1PAoraY_4bw/edit?usp=sharing. Lives, fears, and the one's entire self-truth are all offered as possible sacrifices as the Order outbreak reaches its conclusion.

As always, please let me know how you thought this chapter went, and stay tuned for the season climax aboard the Aphrodite!

 

[frostycmc]

Silly Koda, we all know Fashionframe is the true endgame! I love this story so damn much!

[ROSING]

4 hours ago, frostycmc said:

Silly Koda, we all know Fashionframe is the true endgame! I love this story so damn much!

Someone needs to let Koda know :T

[Evanescent]

You know how I imagine Koda's romance going?

Koda, what are you doing outside my door?

I-I'm just walking around is all. Got a pro-

Sigh. Get in.

What?

We'll bang. now.

I-what-

Silence! 

[ROSING]

40 minutes ago, Evanescent said:

You know how I imagine Koda's romance going?

Koda, what are you doing outside my door?

I-I'm just walking around is all. Got a pro-

Sigh. Get in.

What?

We'll bang. now.

I-what-

Silence! 

Melody may just be more fearsome than Jolla when she wants something.

[Evanescent]

10 hours ago, ROSING said:

Melody may just be more fearsome than Jolla when she wants something.

Yeah....

[Lankander]

He shrugged. “I was kinda hoping it would be white.”

“These are Warframes, not Fashionframes.” Koda appeared before them.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Lankander

[frostycmc]

If only Koda knew all the genocide his descendants would commit in the name of fancy capes.

[Cyriann]

Finally catched up with the story. You have clearly improved over the time of this story.

 

Can't wait to see the rest of it.

[ROSING]

53 minutes ago, Cyriann said:

Finally catched up with the story. You have clearly improved over the time of this story.

 

Can't wait to see the rest of it.

Thanks! Hope this next chapter won't disappoint, then.

[Cyriann]

26 minutes ago, ROSING said:

Hope this next chapter won't disappoint, then.

Never been, never will, I love these chars way too much to bit like their stories. Be they clunky, funny, about hate, or love, well written or not, I will surely continue to follow and like this story.

[ROSING]

Chapter 40: Crush, is published: Post #32

Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SPAzUMSV-2aChNC9OEPlQpafOMPqBu_x9UoAhZJ_LS0/edit?usp=sharing 

[Evanescent]

Well.

My heart got rekt. Kudos to you.

Unfortunately I had no idea what was happening in the interval where they were escaping. You might want to look at its lucidity.

Miyoko's anguish needed some time.

Spoiler

How are Waarframe deaths going to affect their appearance in the series? I assume you'll have them salvage hayden's corpse and make the warframes as they are now, I guess.It was ballsy killing a main well-loved character, but I hope it serves a purpose. I though you were going to kill gregor, but hayden...that was a good one. Gregor's recovery felt rushed though. What was the infested woman? She seemed to come out of nowhere to give gregor a crisis. Why weren't there more? She seemed important, with the scientists saying 'she'll kill us', but she ultimately seemed disposable.

I would grade this with an A-.

[frostycmc]

I... did not see that coming. Wow.

[ROSING]

7 hours ago, Evanescent said:

Well.

My heart got rekt. Kudos to you.

Unfortunately I had no idea what was happening in the interval where they were escaping. You might want to look at its lucidity.

Miyoko's anguish needed some time.

  Reveal hidden contents

How are Waarframe deaths going to affect their appearance in the series? I assume you'll have them salvage hayden's corpse and make the warframes as they are now, I guess.It was ballsy killing a main well-loved character, but I hope it serves a purpose. I though you were going to kill gregor, but hayden...that was a good one. Gregor's recovery felt rushed though. What was the infested woman? She seemed to come out of nowhere to give gregor a crisis. Why weren't there more? She seemed important, with the scientists saying 'she'll kill us', but she ultimately seemed disposable.

I would grade this with an A-.

Thanks for the feedback, Evan. I assume I set the escape scene up poorly; does this help explain it better? If not, what other parts of it need tweaking?

Spoiler

Another moan sounded throughout the ship, and above them, the hull of the wormship was torn open as a massive tendril burst through, smashing the walkway before them. The two stopped as their only route of escape was destroyed, the exit impossibly far away. 

Ruins from the ship's hull fell from above, the vacuum of space slowing their descent as it sucked the air out of the cavernous stomach. The large pieces were jagged and uneven, but Miyoko found herself again thinking of the Simulacrum course, complete with the empty gap beneath. She looked at Hayden, and knew he was thinking the same thing. 

"Jump!" Miyoko yelled, and the two leapt into the debris.

 

[Lankander]

Oh god everyone's losing their clem with the latest chapter.

brb gonna read it now

NO. NO NO NO, YOU DID NOT, YOU DID NOT @(*()$ DO THIS TO ME, THAT'S IT, I QUIT.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Lankander
NO

[Zibbs]

As much as I want Hayden to Jon Snow himself out of this I can't think of a better way to spontaneously kill off a  very important character. You really pulled a game of thrones here Rosing. I love and hate this chapter at the same time. Escape scene was kinda difficult to follow but I got the gist of it.

Keep up the good work. <3

Edited August 16, 2016 by Zibbs

[Lankander]

1 hour ago, Zibbs said:

As much as I want Hayden to Jon Snow himself out of this I can't think of a better way to spontaneously kill off a  very important character. You really pulled a game of thrones here Rosing. I love and hate this chapter at the same time. Escape scene was kinda difficult to follow but I got the gist of it.

Keep up the good work. <3

Maybe put a spoiler tag in the important bits?

[ROSING]

1 hour ago, Zibbs said:

As much as I want Hayden to Jon Snow himself out of this I can't think of a better way to spontaneously kill off a  very important character. You really pulled a game of thrones here Rosing. I love and hate this chapter at the same time. Escape scene was kinda difficult to follow but I got the gist of it.

Keep up the good work. <3

Wait, guys, pls help, I really want to 

Spoiler

MURDER HAYDEN

in the right way. What about the escape scene is hard to follow/ understand and what do you think I can do to make it more understandable?

[Evanescent]

On 8/15/2016 at 6:26 PM, ROSING said:

Thanks for the feedback, Evan. I assume I set the escape scene up poorly; does this help explain it better? If not, what other parts of it need tweaking?

  Hide contents

Another moan sounded throughout the ship, and above them, the hull of the wormship was torn open as a massive tendril burst through, smashing the walkway before them. The two stopped as their only route of escape was destroyed, the exit impossibly far away. 

Ruins from the ship's hull fell from above, the vacuum of space slowing their descent as it sucked the air out of the cavernous stomach. The large pieces were jagged and uneven, but Miyoko found herself again thinking of the Simulacrum course, complete with the empty gap beneath. She looked at Hayden, and knew he was thinking the same thing. 

"Jump!" Miyoko yelled, and the two leapt into the debris.

 

Somewhat, but the lucidity of the scene demands a rewrite.

Also I realised how picky I am with your stuff, you know.....

Hm. That isn't nice.

[ROSING]

1 hour ago, Evanescent said:

Somewhat, but the lucidity of the scene demands a rewrite.

Also I realised how picky I am with your stuff, you know.....

Hm. That isn't nice.

I need you to be picky, man, if you don't then who else is going to save me from walking into certain death?

Alrighty, I'll try to redo it. To be clear, that's just the part from

Spoiler

when the hull gets smashed to when Miyoko jumps back to save Hayden? Or all the way to when Miyoko screams?

Don't worry, I'm also working on the last chapter for this season as well.

[Evanescent]

2 minutes ago, ROSING said:

I need you to be picky, man, if you don't then who else is going to save me from walking into certain death?

Alrighty, I'll try to redo it. To be clear, that's just the part from

  Hide contents

when the hull gets smashed to when Miyoko jumps back to save Hayden? Or all the way to when Miyoko screams?

Don't worry, I'm also working on the last chapter for this season as well.

Spoiler

The entire sequence after they rig the reactor.

 

[FiveHours]

Been a while since I've seen this thread. And I must say, ROSING, you've cut out quite a name for yourself! I'm sure we can all agree that this story is an incredible piece, and every bit of praise it receives is well-deserved and worthy for such an author. To be frank, when I glanced at the first chapter on the first day this was written, I would have never expected it to gain 40 chapters, nearly three seasons, and a small fanbase to boot. Admittedly, the writing style was not at its peak back then, but as time went on I've seen it get better and better, and I can finally see the true potential behind it blooming. ROSING, this is very, truly, one of the best fanfictions I've read. Ever. Being the basement-dwelling writing machine I am, believe me that it comes from the heart.

Anyway, praise aside, I must comment on the recent chapters. I must admit I did lose the plot a tiny bit, and went back to re-read the story. Since there's waaay too much material to cover, I'll stick to the last four chapters you've released. I'll avoid commenting on the characters too much, but I must say that the dialogue between some of them appears authentic, but there's an itch I can't scratch about them. they seem too dramatic sometimes, very unrealistic in that particular situations. This reminds me of the classic anime "spouts entire monologue in the middle of swinging a sword" trope that appears too often for my liking. Make the dialogue appropriate to the situation.

For example, in the middle of a battle, where infested are clawing at your face every second, lines like "Sorry, but my mind is a little cooked, and having a tempest of agony and insanity going off in my head isn't helping either." are rarely able to be said. Remember that dialogue shapes the pace of the scene, so if you try to make a battle scene fast paced and make the characters talk in long-winded sentences, it will come out as unnatural and jarring. Additionally, poetic lines like "a tempest of agony and insanity" (something which I can slightly question the sense of) are best used in narrative, not dialogue. Let's admit it; no one talks like that, not even cyborg space ninja dudes (or dudettes, for that matter).

Apart from that, there are very tiny little qualms that I would pay attention to, as indeed I don't think anyone's writing can be completely perfect, and my opinion is subject to my draconian criticisms, so pay it no mind. Better yet, I should comment on the flow of your scenes, which are much more improved. They read nicely and the pacing is appropriate to the context.

As for the recent kill-your-darlings attitude, I hate to say it, but well done. You pulled it off well and it adds drama and freshness to the series. I'm excited for the next instalment to see how it affects the others. Well played.