[Crossover Fanfiction] Of Songs And Swords

[-Strayed-]

Note of Author: I might get burned for this for writing it in the first place or I probably won't. A friend of mine told me that it would be dangerous to post this outside of fanfiction.net MAINLY because there are those who do not want the lore to be "altered"... then again there isn't really much lore to begin with but I still do fear the extremely "religiously loyal" fans.

 

As for the reasons why I chose to cross with it, I had some help from a friend who introduced me to the show - AKB0048 - mainly I wasn't interested at first but then I saw the concept of "silencing" people by taking away music and entertainment - it showed me the views of what if governments truly feared music, video games, perhaps even books and etc. So it got me thinking... and showed me how similar that fictional government is with the Grineer, who want absolute total control over their people.

 

So I decided to write it and see where it goes.

 

I by no means call myself a good writer, I am still learning the ways and do plan on taking a course on it. Writing has become my passion ever since I started over a year ago in fanfiction.net.

 

So hope you all enjoy this! :D

 

~oOo~

 

A woman sat down on the bed where lying in the middle was a little girl with long blue hair, tucked into it with her blanket covering her but her head. “What’s that mommy?” the little girl asked as she pointed to an old looking book her mother was holding.

 

The woman smiled as she opened a book, “You will like this story… a story about ancient warriors that protected the innocent, honorable warriors. Warriors with untold power who use them for good. Legend has it that they live among the stars.”

 

The little girl could only listen with wonder written all over her face, her mother had not even opened the book and she was already becoming entranced by it. The mother then opened the book, “Long ago… there was an ancient race of human-like warriors, those who served a power known as the Orokin. The warriors came from the stars and guided humanity, protecting them from monsters that came from the stars. Nobody knowns where these warriors came from, all we knew was that they were friends. Great beings with great power.”

 

The little girl moved her body to face her mother, placing the left side of her head on the pillow as she continued to listen, she thought stories about princesses were interesting, but instead she got a story about ancient warriors, something even far greater than a simple knight. For some reason it really sparked her interest.

 

“They came from the shadows, serving in the dark in order to protect the light.” Her mother continued, “Some say they do not exist… others say they have seen them. But all people know was that they were both feared, respected, and admired. For they are heroes like no other.”

 

“Do you think they’re real?” the girl asked.

 

“I don’t know, Chieri.” She told her daughter, “I have never seen them before, and there have been no sightings of them since the ancient times.”

 

“Why is that, do you think something bad happened to them?” Chieri asked her mother once more.

“I don’t know…”

 

“What are the warriors called?”

 

“They are called…”

 

Warframe: Of Songs and Swords

Chapter 1: They were supposed to be just stories

Akibastar

 

4 years after the attack on Akibastar

 

A young seventeen year old girl with vibrant blue hair and eyes with heart-shaped linings on them, she was wearing a beautiful white summer dress with a pink cardigan on top and yellow sandals. Atop her head was a large summer hat.

Thanks to the planet’s terraforming, the season of summer was now in effect and many of its inhabitants were spending their time on the beach. It was a peaceful day in Akibastar just like any day, not like the attack that occurred four years ago, as well as losing her father. It had been four years since then, even with the fight against the Deep Galactic Trade Organization and Destroy Entertainment Soldiers still raging, a time of rest for all those who fight is still needed. For Sun Tzu once said that ‘Whoever is first in the field is fresh for the fight, whoever is second has to hasten and will arrive exhausted.’

 

For now the idols of AKB0048 are in need of rest, they are only people after all.

 

“Chieri!” a girl her age with short strawberry red hair waved at her from the entrance to a restaurant. “Chieri!”

 

“Nagisa!” the blunette identified as Chieri waved back and rushed up to meet her friend and fellow idol. “Sorry I’m late… I wanted to try out my new dress but I forgot to wash it.”

 

“That’s okay.” Nagisa giggled and waved off her apology, “Come on, everyone is already inside.”

 

“Chieri!” other girls seated in a large table greeted her with their own waves and smiles.

 

“Morning everyone.” Chieri waved back and pulled up a seat for herself, “Sorry I’m late.”

 

“That’s alright.” Kanata shrugged, “We already ordered food for everyone.”

 

The blue haired idol nodded but then could not help but look up at the sky where the stars were illuminating, even with the terraformed dome of the planet, people could still look at the cold void of space. For some reason she could feel something right now was happening, she then remembered the stories her late mother used to tell her, the songs of the great beings.

 

But they were just stories right?

 

There’s no way they could be real, because they were just that… stories.

 

~oOo~

 

Unknown space

 

Grineer Galleon

 

Sounds of flesh tearing, gunshots, and metal clashing rang through the dark hallways of the Grineer ship as hundreds of marines were thrown into the slaughter. All of them being killed by a single man clad in white and gold, arms with appeared to be wings on its elbows and a head with horns that pointed downwards in a triangular shape. He looked like an angel with blood splattered all over its organic-looking body. With skill and finesse he swung his Orthos Prime, a bladed staff weapon that glowed with green electricity, melting through the armor of his enemies.

 

Nothing was safe from its blades, hundreds upon hundreds of Grineer marines tried and failed to bring down their enemy, but as soon as they got close, they were all cut to ribbons. The white man’s relentless attacks littered the floor and walls with their blood, entrails and numerous organs were scattered all over the ship’s floor. There was so much blood if one saw, they could not see the floor.

 

The entire area had become a bloodbath.

 

Thrusting his bladed staff weapon forward, it pierced the heart of a Grineer lancer, instantly killing him. Swinging it to the left the man sliced the already dead soldier open, hitting another.

 

“Tenno skoom!” one of the marines screamed out before getting sliced in half.

 

“Entire Galleon has been cleared Lady Lotus.” The white warrior drenched in his enemy’s blood spoke through a communicator.

 

“Excellent work Atta’kai, your work is always appreciated, proceed to extraction.”

 

The warrior nodded and made his way through all the bodies of his enemies, going through a door that revealed a room that was practically clean compared to the one before. Walking through the door but not looking back, the body of one a Grineer fell off the ceiling and planted itself onto the bloody floor.

 

“Welcome back operator.” the Cephalon of the small Liset-class ship greeted the warrior as he returned. “Where shall we – k-k-k-k-k-kill – go next?”

 

“Back to the Dojo Ordis…”

 

“At once operator.”

 

~oOo~

 

Unknown Sector of Space

 

A Dojo was a Japanese term for which literally means ‘place of the way’. In more prominent terms it is a place where one is taught the ways of martial arts, the same could be said for the Tenno.

An ancient order of warriors.

 

The Tenno are descendants of an ancient and mystical civilization of lost warriors from the Orokin era on Earth. Preserved in cryopods for centuries, the Tenno now awaken to a new war, fighting and resisting warring factions as the sole bearers of the Orokin-created Warframes.  While the memories of the Tenno have faded over time, their mastery of guns, blades, and the Warframe armor has not.

 

Fragments of history suggest that discipline and chivalry are the cornerstone of Tenno values, but is this true today? The Tenno are emerging into a world unfamiliar to them. One sees a noble warrior, building his strength against an oppressive regime. Another sees him or herself an opportunistic mercenary, exploiting the Warframe's superiority for wealth.

 

Much of the Orokin’s history has been lost for centuries during the Collapse, all that was left was how humans who survived going into the void were given suits of great power, the first was based on the Proto-Warframe during Earth’s ancient times.

 

And it was called the Excalibur.

 

Then there was the trickster, the one that could disappear and reappear from a distance, the Loki, named after the Norse god of treachery and lies.

 

Then there was the one that could manipulate metal, the Mag.

 

And then there was the Volt, one that could manipulate electricity.

 

The Frost, one that could freeze its enemies solid.

 

Ember, whose fire burns so hot it could melt an army.

 

There are many more out there, ones with their own abilities, ones with untold rage, others turning into masters of the elements. Many, many more.

 

One thing they all have in common is they are Tenno, wardens of the galaxy, protectors, mercenaries, assassins, soldiers… some call them heroes, others call them outlaws. But one thing is for sure, the Tenno are returning.

Walking through the gray hallways of this isolated Dojo was a single Loki Prime, the original design of the Loki Warframe… and a status among Tenno that is highly respected and honored. The Primes are said to be masters among masters, unrivalled in skill with gun and blade. Among the Tenno, the Primes are the ones with the least numbers as the ways to craft their highly coveted armor has been lost in the Void with only a handful who know how to create them. And even then the knowledge on how to craft such masterpieces are a closely guarded secret.

 

One such knowledge is within the mind of this Loki Prime, but he was no ordinary Tenno… being one of the youngest at only a few centuries, he was the youngest Tenno to have achieved in crafting the Prime version of his armor.

 

And his name was Attakai Ikkatel, the last of his family name… just like his family, he was placed into a cryopod when the Collapse occurred, only that he was awoken, cold and alone with his parents and sister not in sight. From then on like any other Tenno who had awoken a few years ago, he was guided by the Lotus, a mysterious woman who had been rescuing Tenno and handled their missions and operations. For the next few years since his reawakening, he had done missions for the Lotus and various factions whilst looking for his parents and sister.

 

It has been always like this within the Origin System, formerly known as the Solar System.

 

Resting within the Dojo’s observatory that also served as the Dojo’s armory, the lone Tenno sat and gazed at the cold void of space while polishing his Orthos Prime, an design that is ancient since the beginning of the Orokin empire, crafted from the purest rubidium, allowing it to be lightweight yet indestructible.

 

Pouring cleaning ointment on the blade, he used a clean cloth to wipe the blood off. Gazing directly at the blade, one could see the face of the Tenno; that of a black haired man with vibrant emerald colored eyes and slightly pale skin. Despite looking in his late teens, he was already several centuries old when he woke up from cryosleep. How old he is to be exact, is still left to be known.

 

While he could remember some images of his family, as well as to what they look like, he could scarcely remember what exactly happened during the Collapse. All he knew was that they were losing a battle while humanity evacuated to places, spreading throughout the Milky Way Galaxy.

 

The Loki Prime had always wondered what it would have been like if he left the Origin System, his home and explored the space beyond, places where even the Corpus had been conducting business ventures.

 

Speaking of the Corpus, hostilities between the Tenno and said faction had subsided over the years, mainly due to the them seeing no real profit in fighting the Tenno as all they had been doing was sabotaging their business when they already have the Grineer and their Fomorian ships competing with them. So they struck a bargain, if the Corpus find any cryopods containing Tenno, they will be given to the Tenno in exchange for a certain fee which they could easily afford. In exchange the Corpus are free to do their business in excavating Orokin ruins.

 

The Corpus had always cared about profit since they run THE largest arms manufacturing business in the entire Galaxy. They didn’t care who they sold them to so long as those same weapons aren’t turned against them.

The Grineer on the other hand is still hell bent on taking over the Origin System, and then turning their eyes towards the outer systems all across the Milky Way. THAT is something the Tenno and the Corpus will not allow, the former believes it is unacceptable because it would upset the balance while the latter believed it would be extremely bad for business.

 

Snapping out of his daydream, he felt the familiar furry feeling to his side and spotted a Kubrow pup with bright white fur licking his hand. The Tenno smiled and scratched the dog-like creature’s head, eliciting a small growl of approval from it.

 

“Came here because you were bored, Yun’kai?” The Tenno said, getting a cute little bark from the pup. “Sorry about that buddy, I was kinda busy.”

 

The puppy simply nuzzled his master’s lap like a cat would before resting his head on it while said master massaged the back of his ears.

 

Atta’kai chuckled in amusement, “I swear I think I am spoiling you.”

 

He was about to say more when the subtle sound of a gong made itself known in the observatory, Atta’kai looked forward where the hologram of the Origin System was supposed to be present but instead the figure of a woman clad in purplish armor was instead in its place.

 

“Lady Lotus.” The Loki Prime lowered his upper body into a bow while Yun’kai hid behind his master, “An unexpected contact from you.”

 

“Atta’kai.” The Lotus nodded her head and softly smiled at the Tenno who in turn is still considered young in their society, “I have a special assignment for you that has also been sanctioned by the Tenno council.”

“I am honored to have been given this assignment.”

 

The Lotus smiled once more, “Your mission is to travel past the threshold of the Origin System… and establish yourself, there you will be meeting with our contacts from the Perrin Sequence who have built a Relay near a planet called Akibastar.”

 

“Am I to make contact with the locals of Akibastar?”

 

“Not yet.” The Lotus shook her head, “But you will be its warden… the sector you are going to is currently… in turmoil, the government known as the Deep Galactic Trade Organization have established a military force called the Destroy Entertainment Soldiers, in hindsight they are tasked with halting all kinds of… music, culture and freedom of speech.”

 

“Destroying culture…” Atta’kai frowned, “That is a grievous sin… culture is what we seek most… do these fools not know the ramifications of silencing the voices of the people?”

 

“They are a corporation.” The Lotus informed, “Much like the Corpus, but even the Corpus are not foolish enough to do something like this… these DGTO only wish to control the people in order to fill their pockets.”

 

The Loki Prime snickered, “For some reason I have gained a little more respect for the Corpus.”

 

Unlike the Corpus, the Perrin Sequence is a breakaway faction of the Corpus. A collective of brilliant and powerful merchants, splintered from the Corpus. Their goal is to restore order by bringing prosperity and direction to the violent world they study.

 

Following their own doctrine to achieve Profit, The Perrin Sequence have turned away from the Corpus ideology that conflict must be capitalized upon. Instead these merchants search for ways to exercise their trade without instigating violence.

 

For this reason the Tenno did not waste any time and brought the Sequence into the fold, using their produce and mercantile skills to fuel their movement. And through this the Perrin Sequence was given protection from the Corpus. And now they are operating outside the Origin System, setting up shop near Akibastar where they are right now providing needed supplies and weapons to the resistance movements against DES and DGTO. Even the Sequence recognized the need to depose such tyranny, not only are they bad for Profit, but they are also very much like the Grineer Empire.

 

And nobody really likes the Grineer.

 

“I will prepare for department immediately, the Dojo will enter hyperspace in an hour.”

 

The Lotus nodded, “I bid you good hunting, Tenno.”

 

~oOo~

 

Immediately after the contact with the Lotus, Atta’kai quickly grabbed hold of his gear, his favored Orthos Prime, the Marelok heavy pistol and a Tiberon burst rifle. Standing by the window of the observatory, he watched as the small dojo entered slipspace. Like many space stations like the relays, they have the ability to relocate to different parts of space for ease of access, Tenno dojos were no different.

 

By his side and lazily lying on his back was trusty white furred Sahasa Kubrow puppy Yunk’kai.

 

“We are going on a great journey, my friend.” Atta’kai informed the Kubrow, “I wonder what things we will find there? What kind of people we are going to meet?”

 

Yun’kai just growled in response, rubbing his back against the floor and kicking his four little feet, sticking his tongue out.

 

To the Tenno’s credit he just snickered, “My thoughts exactly.”

 

~oOo~

 

Days later

 

Unknown planet

 

Crowds of cheering people in an auditorium screamed and sang to a song only known as Aitakatta, waving their glow sticks and swaying to the beat, a chorus of young women in uniforms sang and dance to the beat with microphones in their hands. At the center of the group was a blue haired young woman and a strawberry red haired one, no doubt the main stars of the show.

 

Aitakatta aitakatta
Aitakatta yes!
Aitakatta aitakatta
Aitakatta yes!
Kimi ni...

Aitakatta!!

 

Once the song had finished, the crowd wild and with applause and cheers, the Idols bowed, ending their performance before everything went as the lights turned off. Just as always AKB0048 had performed a spectacular show.

 

~oOo~

 

“Ah, I’m so tired!” Orine gasped and planted herself on the couch, “But that was really fun!”

 

“Yeah.” Chieri said as she dipped her hands into a pool of water, splashing it all over her face, “At least we will be heading home tonight.”

 

Looking out the window, they could tell their ship was entering hyperspace, its destination: Akibastar.

 

“Nagisa, did you get another message letter from your parents?” Chieri asked her closest friend and fellow Idol.

 

“Mhmm!” the red head nodded enthusiastically before making a solemn face, “They said that they are really proud as always… but the government right now is giving them a hard time, I am really thinking of having them move to Akibastar.”

 

“I think that would be best.” Hikari Kimishima, or officially known as Yuko Oshima the 9th said with a nod. Just as she was about to say more, everyone felt the ship rock violently with alarms and lights flashing. “What!?”

 

“DES ambushed us!” was the voice of Tsubasa through the comms, “A single cruiser found us, everyone prepare for battle!”

 

The senior ones like Yuko and the others looked at Chieri and Nagisa, “You two aren’t that well versed in combat, stay with the younger ones and keep them safe. We’ll get into our mechs and try to fend them off.

 

“Hai!” both girls nodded and lead the younger Idols into a more secure section of the ship.

 

~oOo~

 

Unknown space

 

Liset-class stealth ship

 

Atta’kai was currently meditating in his ship when his dojo had successfully warped into the area near Akibastar. Like many of the dojos they are hidden in an asteroid belt in order to reduce the chances of being found.

 

“Operator, I am detecting energy signatures in close proximity being discharged, perhaps a battle.”

 

“Can you verify what kind of ships?”

 

“Scanning…” the ship’s Cephalon informed, “One lightly armed ship carrying multiple children and young adults, it is currently being attacked by what appears to be a DES cruiser.”

 

The Loki Prime frowned, “Set a course, it’s time to see what these DES are made of, I will not stand by and watch innocents killed.”

 

“By your command, operator… l-l-l-l-let’s kill! Hmm… perhaps I require maintenance after all.”

 

Atta’kai rolled his eyes, honestly he wondered why he never bothered into repairing Ordis’ damaged personality chip, perhaps it just made him a lot more colorful and amusing to have around. “Just have my Odonata ready.”

 

“Yes operator.”

 

“Void guide my blade.” The Tenno started praying as he entered the insertion tube where the ship’s underbelly is located. Once lying down it, he continued chanting, “Smite mine enemies with swift justice. Retribution to the guilty, deposition to the tyrant, and shield the innocent. Those who upset the balance will be met with my wrath… for I am a Warden to the people.”

 

“We are nearing the area, Operator. Deploying Archwing.”

 

“..Void guide my blade…”

 

~oOo~

 

AKB0048

 

“DES marines have boadred the ship!” Hikari screamed out in panic, “This is getting really bad!”

 

“Just keep trying!” Minami said as she maneuvered her mech and fired non-lethal rounds at the DES mechs, “We have to keep trying!”

 

“I’m detecting something entering the area!” Tsubasa notified them.

 

“More DES!?” Yuko gasped and saw what looked to be ship in the shape of a manta ray with two tails, “What is that? Some kind of new DES ship?”

 

“It’s so small…” Minami then widened her eyes, “Wait there’s someone coming out of the bottom… is that guy crazy!? He’ll kill himself!”

 

Hikari was about to say something when the small ship deployed what appeared to be wings attaching itself into the white horned man, “No way… it deployed some kind of exoskeleton.”

 

What they saw next, the could not comprehend, the sheer speed of the white armored man caused the DES soldiers to go into shock. They could not keep up with it. One by one, dozens of DES mechs and fighters were literally being cut in half by the strange arrival, in split seconds the large sword the strange wielded left destruction in its wake.

 

“He’s helping us?” Hikari asked in a skeptical manner, “This is too unreal… how can someone build something that could fly so fast?”

 

“Nevermind that!” Minami roared while pulling the trigger, “Just keep firing!”

 

~oOo~

 

“These foes are not even worth the effort.” The Tenno scoffed as he swung his sword and sliced the mech in half.

 

“Roughly 75% of DES’ forces have been annihilated.”

 

“Very well… I will let them clean them up, status of AKB’s ship?”

 

“Detecting a DES boarding party consisting of at least thirty marines within the ship.”

 

“Then let us make ourselves known… disengaging Archwing.”

 

~oOo~

 

AKB0048 Ship

 

Chieri and Nagisa brandished their microphones which also activated beam sabers as the door in front of them was constantly being bashed by what appeared to be a breaching tool being used by DES marines. Behind them were the younger girls huddled into a corner, scared for their lives.

 

“Be strong everyone!” Chieri told the girls, “We’ll make it through this!”

 

*BANG*

 

“I’m scared!” one of the girls cried out.

 

“It’s going to be okay…” Nagisa said in a soothing tone. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

 

*BANG* *THRASH*

 

The DES had broken through, with armored men holding large weapons pointed at the girls. But none of them got to fire a shot as immediately, they heard the noise of a blade slicing through their armor like a knife through butter.

 

“Stop him!” one of the soldiers screamed before getting sliced in half by a golden blade attached to a staff.

 

Immediately all the soldiers turned around and fired their automatic weapons, but none of them got through as the stranger clad in white and gold spun his staff weapon, completely deflecting every bullet that came towards him.

 

Chieri who could now see what was going could not believe her eyes, it was like the stories her mother used to tell her. How warriors of honor appeared out of nowhere and protected the innocent, how they would stomp against tyranny and smite all those who opposed them.

 

But they were just that… stories.

 

And yet…

 

The shimmering blade of the staff weapon that glowed green electricity melted through the powered armor of the DES soldier, bisecting him from top to bottom. The girls could not help but look away at the gory sight, soldier upon soldier being reduced to ribbons by the golden blade with green electricity.

 

The white stranger then brandished what appeared to be a large pistol, pulling the trigger and sending the bullet straight to one of their heads, turning it into nothing but exploding red blood, powder and brain matter.

 

“He’s just one guy, kill him already!”

 

“Someone… help me!”

 

The screams of the soldiers echoed throughout the halls of the ship as the rest of the AKB0048 arrived to see a huge bloody mess with a single white man clad in white and gold organic-looking armor turning DES marines into mincemeat.

Once the last enemy soldier was on the ground, wounded and battered, he tried crawling away but was caught by the foot of the white one. “P-Please… have mercy.”

 

“Those who do not show mercy to the weak and innocent… are undeserving of it.” was all the white one said before plunging the blade straight through the soldier’s heart.

 

Nagisa shielded the eyes of the younger ones as the rest watched the stranger slaughter every last DES marine in the large room. Every member of the AKB0048 who were present including their manager Tsubasa were rendered petrified by the sight of a single man killing over thirty men in the span of a few minutes.

It was just unreal.

 

“Nagisa, Chieri!” Orine rushed up to meet her childhood friends and pulled them into a fierce embrace, “Are you two hurt?”

 

Chieri shook her head before pointing to the white one, “He protected us when the doors broke down.”

 

“Who are you?” Tsubasa stepped forward and demanded the white one, already suspicious of their 'saviour', “What are your intentions?”

 

The white one turned to the woman with short blonde hair and bowed, “Forgive me if you all saw that, I sometimes loose myself in the heat of battle. I am Atta’kai, Warlord and sole member of the Kai’den Ghost clan.”

 

“Who… what are you?”

 

“Miss Tsubasa!” Chieri stepped forward.

 

“Chieri no!” Nagisa and Orine tried to reach out to her but was too late as the blunette walked forward.

 

“Chieri stay back!” the blonde ordered.

 

“I never thought it would be true.” Chieri began as she slowly walked up to the white one, “You were all just supposed to be stories. Stories my mother used to tell me. I once believed you were all real, but then I grew up and just thought them to be nothing but bedtime stories… and yet…”

 

“Chieri…” Tsubasa realized what the blue haired girl was talking about when her eyes widened in utter shock, “You’re not saying he’s… that can’t be! They're just myths!"

 

“It warms my heart that some of you still remember the age of Old Earth.” The white one smiled behind his helmet before it opened, revealing his slightly pale skin, emerald eyes and black hair, “Yes, you are correct Lady Chieri… I am a Tenno.”

 

Note of Author: How is it? Bad, good? I already posted it in fanfiction.net and thought it could go here...

[FiveHours]

Welcome to the forums, it's good to see some new faces. Before I comment, I'd like to say that I like your writing a lot, and even though I haven't watched the anime, I think this is quite an enjoyable read. However, a lot of what I see here is unnecessary exposition and a bit of repition. Look here:

"Unlike the Corpus, the Perrin Sequence is a breakaway faction of the Corpus. A collective of brilliant and powerful merchants, splintered from the Corpus.

Following their own doctrine to achieve Profit, The Perrin Sequence have turned away from the Corpus ideology that conflict must be capitalized."

You've basically said the same thing three times. There was a LOT of exposition for the second time we see the Loki Prime, and I think this can be cut out for two reasons: firstly, this is on the warframe forums, we know the lore somewhat, and it gets a bit boring if you read the whole thing. Secondly, keeping the information from the reader and showing us what has happened through character memories or certain objects or events will expose the story lore in a lot more natural way, and will encourage the readers to read on.

Other than that, no comment. Good stuff.

[-Strayed-]

Thanks for your inputs, I didn't know what people would think when I decided to post it here as well.

[(PSN)MoRockaPDX]

I was paralyzed over lore concerns, until I ultimately decided that any fan fiction is a self contained take on Warframe. Nobody can take away from that vision you decide on, and trying too is pointless. It may be possible that an idea is bad, but not diverging from known or presumed lore. That is fair game.

I for one am incorporating elements from the book Lockstep, to explain human colonist survival during the collapse, via hybernation synchronization. Among other things. So, feel free to go where you like with your story.

I have enjoyed the little I have had the chance to read so far. I will attempt to finish soon and comment more.

[Evanescent]

Your story is nice but your execution needs a lot of work. However you have a nice tone and I can see your style improving a lot if you want to put some work into it.

 

Your sentences are too long. Break them up, mix short clipped lines with long rolling ones to make it interesting.

 

You use too much description and too outright. Weave them into the story.

Ex: The girl looking at the light had raven black hair and vibrant blue eyes and white alabster skin.<-----sounds dull.

      The light glistened in her vibrant, blue eyes. Her raven black hair made a stark contrast against the paleness of her skin, that shone with an             almost ethereal beauty.<---Much more interesting, no less descriptive.           

 

Also try to condense the expositions and details to be as little as possible. 

 

 

 

Hope this helps.

[satsujinki01]

I think I've seen your your story this before in fanfic....*Raise my eyebrows while I break my cup of coffee on my table* DAMN! I READ IT!

Edited May 20, 2015 by satsujinki01

[(PSN)RavenKnight2408]

Dude. Its fantastic. As a fellow writer myself i am amazed at your writing style, so full of life and yet so grim. You're words are magnificently written.

i dont know the akb series but how your write this makes it sound like an interesting series to watch and read. please tell me akattai takes off his helmet and the girls fall in love with him.

But then again you write the story your way. The suggestions by the commentators here are very constructive. I think its well written but the others have addressed the small bits to make this story shine greatly

Good luck and I hope to see this story bloom into a fantastic masterpiece~~

[TehTeaKing]

To hell with whether or not it follows the lore, I enjoyed it and hope to see more.

Shipping Atta'kai and Chieri already.

I think you have great potentials as a writer and even if nothing comes of it a course would be an experience in something you love amirite? I'll definitely read it if/when you add more :D

Edited May 21, 2015 by TehTeaKing

[satsujinki01]

Was your pan name was Ornestein the Dragon Slayer (ORLY? Dark Souls?)? I was the one who read your story and I didn't comment this until I saw it on the forum. 

 

I cannot give my expression with your story, instead I got my own reaction and I was like..."Huh? This story was good and I need to keep an eye on it."

[zxcv1911]

The crossover fanfic looks good and promising. Do you have any plan to continue the story? :3

Edited September 16, 2015 by zxcv1911