StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 today has just been an emotional day for me, regular day stuff, possible job coming soon im happy for. ive worked hard these past months in job hunting. put in some real effort, effort im proud of, been coping with my depression, insomnia, and anxiety better, letting my own family in more but today i wrote for the first time since my grand father passed away last year, sometime before thanksgiving. id hoped it would get easier with time, but it hasn't, i Miss him terribly and the emptiness of him being gone hasn't dulled with a single day since. if anything its amplified. he was good man, so very few of those left in the world . im honestly not sure why im typing this here. i dont really know. writing helps me i guess. I express better in writing then when speaking well thanks for reading this if you did. i hope im not bring anyone down. P.S. if anyone was curious this is what i wrote today. http://dilated-kid.deviantart.com/art/Souls-Breathe-528423151 http://dilated-kid.deviantart.com/art/Citylife-528426382 hope you all are having a less emotionally heavy day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrotherIcarus Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Enough time heels all wounds man, it took me almost a year to stop grieving. Hang in there and you will get through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Enough time heels all wounds man, it took me almost a year to stop grieving. Hang in there and you will get through this. Thank you , Appreciate the kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheErebus. Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 My close friend had his grand dad die not too long ago. One night, while at a party, he asked me to go upstairs with him. And when we were out of sight, he started crying like crazy over his Grand-dad. All these emotions and built up sadness ended up erupting out of him. Now he's better and accepted it. And that's what you gotta do as well. Accept that he's dead, and remember him for what he was. A great man with a loving family. As the user above me said, Time will heal all wounds. It's painful now, but it'll be over soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drunkenbagel Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 My dad died of cancer recently. I should've cried. I should've felt something. I didn't. Be glad that you still feel something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 My close friend had his grand dad die not too long ago. One night, while at a party, he asked me to go upstairs with him. And when we were out of sight, he started crying like crazy over his Grand-dad. All these emotions and built up sadness ended up erupting out of him. Now he's better and accepted it. And that's what you gotta do as well. Accept that he's dead, and remember him for what he was. A great man with a loving family. As the user above me said, Time will heal all wounds. It's painful now, but it'll be over soon. Appreciate the kinds words... it was hard for me, my father dad passed away but i hardly knew him, just face that i dont recall. but my grandfather by my dads marriage , was man how took me in, gave me back that boy, that kind hearted soul that died out in the streets, alone and cold, he didn't survive and i was so bitter and angry at the world. at everyone. ill never be the same open hearted soul not ever, but he gave me enough of it back. I loved him. but i never said it once because i just couldn't, and then he died. id never lost anyone before, and i just shut down, ive only recently actually started to laugh again or talk to my few friends, i think im getting there, i express and deal with emotions in writing better then anything,and it feels good to be writing again. like pressure off my back. sorry to post a whole chapter of my life to you but im in a moment. thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 My dad died of cancer recently. I should've cried. I should've felt something. I didn't. Be glad that you still feel something. Im sorry to hear that. i truly am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snydrex Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 We all go through things like this, and time and time again, we find ourselves struggling. Bear through it. You'll come out a better person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doom_Bunny Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheErebus. Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Appreciate the kinds words... it was hard for me, my father dad passed away but i hardly knew him, just face that i dont recall. but my grandfather by my dads marriage , was man how took me in, gave me back that boy, that kind hearted soul that died out in the streets, alone and cold, he didn't survive and i was so bitter and angry at the world. at everyone. ill never be the same open hearted soul not ever, but he gave me enough of it back. I loved him. but i never said it once because i just couldn't, and then he died. id never lost anyone before, and i just shut down, ive only recently actually started to laugh again or talk to my few friends, i think im getting there, i express and deal with emotions in writing better then anything,and it feels good to be writing again. like pressure off my back. sorry to post a whole chapter of my life to you but im in a moment. thanks for listening. No worries man, during these times, you need someone to talk to and open up everything too. I'll be honest when I say that death doesn't phase me. In the sense of grief that is, because to me, when a person dies then they die. I don't grieve because to me, life is transient. That's not to say I don't care if someone dies, far from it, if my mother would die right now (God forbid) I'd most likely be quite sad. But it wont last long. To me, death is the end. But it is inevitable. The sooner you are to accept it, the more you will be happy in life. Your grandad (never knew him of course) sounds like a great man. I never met mine, both of them died before I was born. One in an airplane shoot down, the other to a heart tattack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 No worries man, during these times, you need someone to talk to and open up everything too. I'll be honest when I say that death doesn't phase me. In the sense of grief that is, because to me, when a person dies then they die. I don't grieve because to me, life is transient. That's not to say I don't care if someone dies, far from it, if my mother would die right now (God forbid) I'd most likely be quite sad. But it wont last long. To me, death is the end. But it is inevitable. The sooner you are to accept it, the more you will be happy in life. Your grandad (never knew him of course) sounds like a great man. I never met mine, both of them died before I was born. One in an airplane shoot down, the other to a heart tattack Ive always understood death is what comes, we all die, never been afraid of death. but as kid, my life went down harsh road, it was dark, and what i came out as wasn't good. he gave me so much of myself back and pretty much handed me my life back through his unwavering support and love. id never known something like that, id never known how much i could be loved and cared for by another human being. lets just say my mum wasn't much of mum and leave at that and i never really knew my dad till recently .... for me, its all the things left unsaid, all the conversation we cant have, his laugh, what he meant to me, i never said it, not once and i cant help but wonder did he know. did he ever know how much i loved him but just wasn't ready to say. the regrets, the guilt, the doubts, cue the depression. its old friends to me at this point. im slowly moving on, but i may never fully lose the pain of him being gone. and in many ways, as he did in life, he does in death, has helped me be stronger and do more. and follow my dreams, and chase them no matter how long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
(PSN)Pharen Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Depression and madness. Sounds like every day to me, just add rage, sadness, and disbelief and you're set. And If time heals all wounds then 4 years are calling BS and how much longer do I have to wait? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Depression and madness. Sounds like every day to me, just add rage, sadness, and disbelief and you're set. And If time heals all wounds then 4 years are calling BS and how much longer do I have to wait? ive waited 22 years to even be able to cope with my depression, anxiety, insomnia, and my anger and all my issues, im 24 now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
(PSN)Pharen Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 ive waited 22 years to even be able to cope with my depression, anxiety, insomnia, and my anger and all my issues, im 24 now. That's really sad. You had depression at the age of 2? Hell I hit 13 before it hit me. My life hasn't exactly been fun and games.... But the single worst year I've experienced was 4 years ago, however last year was a strong contender. I have to make reasons to continue, haven't been living for myself in years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 That's really sad. You had depression at the age of 2? Hell I hit 13 before it hit me. My life hasn't exactly been fun and games.... But the single worst year I've experienced was 4 years ago, however last year was a strong contender. I have to make reasons to continue, haven't been living for myself in years. no I was born with depression and anxiety in steady stream of manic state, its runs the family but it skips here and there , i have it the worst. top that off with having brain that does the opposite of ADHD- meaning instead of not focusing, i focus on everything with no filter, and i cant slow it down or turn it off. plus a mom who never wanted me, a father i never knew till recently. and amazingly i was good kid, kind hearted, a kinda hey i love everyone equally person. made me a perfect person to fall off the wagon, lived on the streets before i was even 14. alone, cold, hardly eating surround by every drug and similar thing you can imagine, watching people lessen their pain or just vanish from reality, on the streets in a place where cops see homeless people as the biggest threat and arrest for every little thing. yeah my life hasn't been great till very recently, now im 24 living with my grandmother, job hunting and taking the time to follow my passions, i enjoy youtube and twitch as being an entertainer, and i enjoy writing and singing so im working on that. but i spent so many years watching that kind hearted kid slowly die and watching someone who shut off his emotions to survive and made some horrible choices and it just snowballed to the point where i came very close to death. having attempted to kill myself a few times. by the age of 18, i was angry and bitter and so full of hate when i moved here, my grandfather helped me change ill never be that open again never be that so happy go lucky. ive lived too many nightmares to be that naive, but ive accepted that and doing my best, god a GEd with flying scores looking for work then im going to use money from that to start working towards my dreams and passions no matter how long it takes. thats why its so hard to have him gone, im better then i have been in years, and he never got to see it. but i reckon he saw it at first glance, he took me in the day he met me, didnt even really know a thing about me, no matter what i threw at him as an angry bitter dead inside person, all he did was be patient, love me and help me. im able to talk about this stuff because of him, im alive because of him. im a better man then i ever thought i could be because of him. and im only moving forward, living for my dreams and passions, following my heart. doing my best to be decent human being, a big part of the pain of him gone is he will never get to see it. and back then i didn't have much to say, and now i have so much to say to him, that i cant. so as much as it hurts, all i can do is head held high and live like he wanted me too its hard. ill be battling anxiety, depression insomnia and mind that flux's back and forth at speeds i cant keep up with and alot of emotional damage that may never truly be fixed. but im here now, ive made it this far, gotta keep going i know people will say turning youtube or twitch or music into a career you can live off is tough. of course it is, but if im not living to follow my dreams no matter how slow or fast they come, then im not living im surviving I got tired of just surviving i wanted more hell i deserved more and so do you my friend. this kinda shift in perspective took me years but its worth it. its so worth it to wake up one day and realize, you made it, yeah you still have battles, maybe you always will. but you made it, your hear. at this point these demons you fought, you shouldn't be scared of them, they should be scared of you. someday's are easier, some are just hell on earth. either way, they all end eventually and you go to the next one. i hope it gets easier for you to manage soon my friend, i wouldn't wish this upon anyone no matter who they or what they did. nothing is worse then not being able to be on your own side. its one of the reasons i made this post, i finally was able to write songs again, and i was so happy about that but it reminded why i haven't written in months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
(PSN)Pharen Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 no I was born with depression and anxiety in steady stream of manic state, its runs the family but it skips here and there , i have it the worst. top that off with having brain that does the opposite of ADHD- meaning instead of not focusing, i focus on everything with no filter, and i cant slow it down or turn it off.-snip- Wow. That was really deep. Sorry to hear you had to go through so much, almost makes my life look easy in comparison. I'm not really the kind of person to let my past out so easily to people I don't know as I have had people use it to attack me before. All I can say is from the age of 7 it became very apparent I wasn't well liked within my entire family. My two exceptions were my uncle and my grandfather, even my grandmother hated me. By the age of 13 I had strong depression linked to numerous problems within my life, and after that I took 3 major hits in my life (IE things that completely tore my life apart and left me having to pick up the pieces and start again), one at the age of 19, the biggest one at 21, and one just last year. I don't have ADHD but I find whenever my mind is not pre-occupied by things it always finds itself returning to all the bad memories, which is probably why I have trouble sleeping. I just make a reason to push on and hopefully one day I wont have to make excuses just to keep living my "life". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StellaPotato Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Wow. That was really deep. Sorry to hear you had to go through so much, almost makes my life look easy in comparison. I'm not really the kind of person to let my past out so easily to people I don't know as I have had people use it to attack me before. All I can say is from the age of 7 it became very apparent I wasn't well liked within my entire family. My two exceptions were my uncle and my grandfather, even my grandmother hated me. By the age of 13 I had strong depression linked to numerous problems within my life, and after that I took 3 major hits in my life (IE things that completely tore my life apart and left me having to pick up the pieces and start again), one at the age of 19, the biggest one at 21, and one just last year. I don't have ADHD but I find whenever my mind is not pre-occupied by things it always finds itself returning to all the bad memories, which is probably why I have trouble sleeping. I just make a reason to push on and hopefully one day I wont have to make excuses just to keep living my "life". You will one day, that kinds of shift takes time, depression is hard to beat because it becomes part of who you, it begins to define you, it controls how many breaths you take. you just have to keep going, one day at time, and one day, you will wake up realize, hey i may always have depression, but F*** it, im alright all things considered. like i said it took me most of my life so far to achieve that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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