Origin Stories: The First Of Them (Ch. 58: "Broken" Update)

[FiveHours]

Not back yet. I missed my connecting flight so I'm having fun in Japan for about...EYYYY FIVEHOURS!!

But anyway, China was great, got a lot of practice with my Chinese. But I've gotten so used to speaking it that 有的时候我感觉我只可以说我的心里话用中文。。。oops.

I'm not even going to try and google translate that.

Anyway, it's good you enjoyed it, one needs a break sometimes. And I've seen that pun WAY too many times :c

Now, on to the writing. Definitely an improvement, the scene is set, the fight feels like it has weight, and the characters finally interact with the environment. Good to see you incorporated our advice.

Hayden's speech is what I'm concerned with. In what should be such a serious scene, with various key moments in character development, Hayden's slurred words and over-excited way of speaking kinda ruins it. I'm assuming you tried to make him seem "not himself", and you've done that so well with when he smooched Miyoko earlier, but here he carries the impression of just being really weird, but in a way where I'm ok with him being weird. It's hard to explain, but what Id like to see is him being more threatening, more brooding. But, then again, that's just my view of things

[ROSING]

I'm not even going to try and google translate that.

Anyway, it's good you enjoyed it, one needs a break sometimes. And I've seen that pun WAY too many times :c

Now, on to the writing. Definitely an improvement, the scene is set, the fight feels like it has weight, and the characters finally interact with the environment. Good to see you incorporated our advice.

Hayden's speech is what I'm concerned with. In what should be such a serious scene, with various key moments in character development, Hayden's slurred words and over-excited way of speaking kinda ruins it. I'm assuming you tried to make him seem "not himself", and you've done that so well with when he smooched Miyoko earlier, but here he carries the impression of just being really weird, but in a way where I'm ok with him being weird. It's hard to explain, but what Id like to see is him being more threatening, more brooding. But, then again, that's just my view of things

 

Thank you!

 

Hmm. Upon review I suppose Excalibur's speech can seem unfounded. I was trying to show elements of how the technocyte turns people insane (and experiment with crazy people), and went off from there. If people think it is too much of a turn-off and unsuited for the situation, however, then I will give him a fix.

[ROSING]

Dooooouble post! Chapter 25 is now on Post #16!

 

This time, I was really stumped on what to call the chapter. Like I had no idea. They didn't even use Exalted Blade, Evan.

 

And Friendship wasn't fitting enough, unfortunately. Oh well. Don't hate me too much.

 

However, hate on my writing all you want if you have feedback!

 

Chapter musings (don't read this until you've gone through the chapter)

Mag #1 Tank

[Evanescent]

The conversation between Miyoko and Hayden was awkward again this chapter. Too much touchy-feely. The amount of touchy feely going on clashes with Hayden's reserved character. Otherwise it was fine.

[frostycmc]

This is quickly becoming one of my favorite stories. The kind of story that brightens my day with every update. I do hope you have no intentions of stopping any time soon. :)

[FiveHours]

The conversation between Miyoko and Hayden was awkward again this chapter. Too much touchy-feely. The amount of touchy feely going on clashes with Hayden's reserved character. Otherwise it was fine.

I disagree.

I think this more personal "touchy-feely" way that Hayden speaks reveals a more intimate relationship developing between him and Miyoko, and their separate confessions during the battle validates this.

They've developed as characters, and Hayden's new manner of speaking that you say goes against his usual reserved character could be a temporary (or permanent) aspect of how the Excalibur's influence over him has changed him.

[Evanescent]

I disagree.

I think this more personal "touchy-feely" way that Hayden speaks reveals a more intimate relationship developing between him and Miyoko, and their separate confessions during the battle validates this.

They've developed as characters, and Hayden's new manner of speaking that you say goes against his usual reserved character could be a temporary (or permanent) aspect of how the Excalibur's influence over him has changed him.

I don't think just one brief battle can crack all his barriers open. A long campaign of camaraderie, sure, but not a single face-off.

Even if you do insist, it could be better wrought. ROSING has shown us before with how Jolla and Darren developed. That was natural.

 

This on the other hand feels forced and rushed.

 

Keep in mind this is all IMO. I would have made them progress a bit, but not all the way. 

[ROSING]

I don't think just one brief battle can crack all his barriers open. A long campaign of camaraderie, sure, but not a single face-off.

Even if you do insist, it could be better wrought. ROSING has shown us before with how Jolla and Darren developed. That was natural.

This on the other hand feels forced and rushed.

Keep in mind this is all IMO. I would have made them progress a bit, but not all the way.

Hmm, I'll try to stand my ground here.

Hayden's just had a pretty rough time. He just was forced against his will to beat the crap out of Joul and Koda, his loss of control put pretty much everyone in danger, and he almost killed Miyoko twice. Due to his mistakes as a leader, and his inability to control his suit, his actions almost cost his whole team their lives. This battle shook him up pretty badly. So I think him completely breaking down is warranted, unless I put up too much of a reserved character of him before.

During this battle I wanted to try and explore everyone's flaws more, and for Hayden it was his determination to shoulder any difficulty to save his friends, even if that meant taking on things that were dangerous to him, and eventually turned out to be dangerous to everyone else, which he realized somewhere in between losing control and almost impaling Miyoko's head with a javelin.

All of which could've gotten more explanation I guess but I feel like regardless his reaction is justifiable.

But thank you both for your feedback!

And frosty, thank you for that comment! It really brightened my day, no kidding! I don't think I'll be stopping soon, this has been a good experience for me and I've yet to gain all I can from it.

Edited July 26, 2015 by ROSING

[Evanescent]

Hmm, I'll try to stand my ground here.

Hayden's just had a pretty rough time. He just was forced against his will to beat the crap out of Joul and Koda, his loss of control put pretty much everyone in danger, and he almost killed Miyoko twice. Due to his mistakes as a leader, and his inability to control his suit, his actions almost cost his whole team their lives. This battle shook him up pretty badly. So I think him completely breaking down is warranted, unless I put up too much of a reserved character of him before.

During this battle I wanted to try and explore everyone's flaws more, and for Hayden it was his determination to shoulder any difficulty to save his friends, even if that meant taking on things that were dangerous to him, and eventually turned out to be dangerous to everyone else, which he realized somewhere in between losing control and almost impaling Miyoko's head with a javelin.

All of which could've gotten more explanation I guess but I feel like regardless his reaction is justifiable.

But thank you both for your feedback!

And frosty, thank you for that comment! It really brightened my day, no kidding! I don't think I'll be stopping soon, this has been a good experience for me and I've yet to gain all I can from it.

Sorry if my earlier post was grouchy, late night coffee and deadlines do that to a person. But it's no excuse.

 

What I believe I was trying to say was that there was a distinct lack of hesitation. Which is important.

 

There is this girl/boy you have had feelings for laid out before you, and you've fought a battle that had you nearly kill him/her. 

Do you immediately grab the person and start shaking him and caressing him, or do you hesitate, and feel their breath, their pulse, a careful touch to see if they have gone cold? Do you immediately have the courage to touch the person just like that?

It's not realistic.

See ,a habit of reserve built over a long time is stronger than situational trauma. What I would have liked to see was them hesitating and being frustrated that habits tie them down even in this crucial of moments.

 

But maybe you chose a more open, emotional way to show them. Your story, your direction. I can get behind that.

Cheers.

[ROSING]

Sorry if my earlier post was grouchy, late night coffee and deadlines do that to a person. But it's no excuse.

What I believe I was trying to say was that there was a distinct lack of hesitation. Which is important.

There is this girl/boy you have had feelings for laid out before you, and you've fought a battle that had you nearly kill him/her.

Do you immediately grab the person and start shaking him and caressing him, or do you hesitate, and feel their breath, their pulse, a careful touch to see if they have gone cold? Do you immediately have the courage to touch the person just like that?

It's not realistic.

See ,a habit of reserve built over a long time is stronger than situational trauma. What I would have liked to see was them hesitating and being frustrated that habits tie them down even in this crucial of moments.

But maybe you chose a more open, emotional way to show them. Your story, your direction. I can get behind that.

Cheers.

No no, what you said made sense. What you said would've made the scene a lot more interesting. Sometimes I need to remember what characters I'm using so their personality still plays in. This is important! And very helpful! Thanks, Evan!

[Evanescent]

Anytime! :)

[HermlT]

I'm slightly dead tired but I can safely say that the new chapters are pretty good. ^^

There isn't anything major I can spot that might be a problem (except me being tired and getting confused about who says what (In the confrontation with the science dudes scene (Dr coven and Thames (Bracketception (I am too deep in the brackets (Send help plz)))))) and overall the pacing seems fine.

I wanna know who the other 7 Tenno are (I Can Haz Trinburger) and I can't wait to see where you take the story from here.

 

Yours truly,

 

A very very dead tired HermiT

Edited July 26, 2015 by HermlT

[ROSING]

I'm slightly dead tired but I can safely say that the new chapters are pretty good. ^^

There isn't anything major I can spot that might be a problem (except me being tired and getting confused about who says what (In the confrontation with the science dudes scene (Dr coven and Thames (Bracketception (I am too deep in the brackets (Send help plz)))))) and overall the pacing seems fine.

I wanna know who the other 7 Tenno are (I Can Haz Trinburger) and I can't wait to see where you take the story from here.

Yours truly,

A very very dead tired HermiT

You are making quite a bracket there sir.

Oh, for the next seven, give it about two chapters. The next chapter will conclude the second "season" (both nicely concluded into 13 chapters each) and then the one after that will be my struggle to create 7 completely different characters, as per Five's word of warning.

[FiveHours]

You are making quite a bracket there sir.

Oh, for the next seven, give it about two chapters. The next chapter will conclude the second "season" (both nicely concluded into 13 chapters each) and then the one after that will be my struggle to create 7 completely different characters, as per Five's word of warning.

That.... was difficult to read. The pun, I mean.

 

As for the characters, it's in your hands to make it work. I only observe.

[ROSING]

Ayoo...sorry I'm late, but with writing a short story, Update 17, Blacklight's Parity Patch, and a family member birthday all coming up at once I got a little sidetracked.

 

But I got this out as best I could...let me know if it's a little messy. The new story is on Post #17 now, we've busted through another character limit. This effectively ends season 2, although that in itself is meaningless, really. Look forward to the next chapter!

[Lankander]

Perfect. Just perfect way to end the season, man i actually hoped we would get a glimpse of the second generation in this chapter. Now that you've finished this season are you taking a break? or can we expect the next chapter next week?

[ROSING]

Like I said, the end of a season is meaningless. I suppose calling it an "arc" would be better. At any rate, there will be no breaks (like last time m(_ _)m), there will still be a chapter next week. For spoiler purposes, I think we see 3 of them in that one. Look forward to it!

[Lankander]

Ooooh just to give us a tease could you tell us one of the members of the second generation? just his powers maybe?

[Evanescent]

Did....Darren......just..get laid?

Dayum son.

 

Btw when Nadia yells at hayden there's a redundancy. There's 'she said' and 'she yelled' in the same quote line.

Nice chapter.

[ROSING]

Did....Darren......just..get laid?

Dayum son.

 

Btw when Nadia yells at hayden there's a redundancy. There's 'she said' and 'she yelled' in the same quote line.

Nice chapter.

 

I will leave it up to your imagination just how far that little "session" went.

 

I meant to have the redundancy there, because she said the first part and then yelled the second part. Will try to see if there is a better way to phrase that.

 

And Lankander, don't tempt me to spill the stuff! Just wait a week!

like you're waiting for Equinox to craft

[FiveHours]

Well, what can I say?

I don't think I can give any criticism here for the epilogue, seeing as you're the one who taught me how to write one properly.

If I have the audacity to do so, though, I'd say that Kofa didn't get as much closure as I would have liked. His is very brief and to the point, but I don't yet know if he has still come to terms with Rilla's death yet. Something to consider.

Anyway, a great ending to a great fic. Pat yourself on the back, ROSING, you've done incredibly well.

[ROSING]

Well, what can I say?

I don't think I can give any criticism here for the epilogue, seeing as you're the one who taught me how to write one properly.

If I have the audacity to do so, though, I'd say that Kofa didn't get as much closure as I would have liked. His is very brief and to the point, but I don't yet know if he has still come to terms with Rilla's death yet. Something to consider.

Anyway, a great ending to a great fic. Pat yourself on the back, ROSING, you've done incredibly well.

Yayyy praise from Five :D

And yes, Koda has not fully come to terms with Rilla's passing at the moment. But don't worry; like I said long ago, I treat my favorites well. His resolution is just about to begin.

[Evanescent]

@ROSING:

 

Shall we say the session was.....

 

 

STEAMY?

 

 

cause ice and fire turns to steam, geddit? 

No?

ok.

*gunshot*

 

Edited August 3, 2015 by Evanescent

[Brokenrune]

sooooo..... How would mesa's power work >.> I mean cmon it all affects guns so... >.>

[ROSING]

@ROSING:

 

Shall we say the session was.....

 

 

STEAMY?

 

 

cause ice and fire turns to steam, geddit? 

No?

ok.

*gunshot*

 

 

 

sooooo..... How would mesa's power work >.> I mean cmon it all affects guns so... >.>

 

I...have no idea...keen sense of hearing and perfect hand coordination, like Koda? Control of ballistics and kinetic energy through her hands? Really fast moving thumbs? As you may be able to guess, she's not in the next seven.