Origin Stories: The First Of Them (Ch. 58: "Broken" Update)

[ROSING]

*says he's just getting started, proceeds to come out with a late update*

 

Welp, I finally got chapter 15 out, hope you enjoy. Again, I am in extreme need of criticism and feedback! If you don't think I'm doing something right or anything in the story feels a little ridiculous, please let me know!

[FiveHours]

I'd never thought I'd give criticism for this, nor do I think you necessarily need it, but I can offer some advice. Be warned, thought, I sometimes don't exactly word gud, so please excuse me if something rubs you the wrong way with what I write. I'd like my words to have some benefit, so if you need some clarification, feel free to ask.

 

A lot of the things I've read so far have been excellent story and dialogue wise, but, for the lack of a better analogy, you need to have a fat pig for it to sell well, not a skinny one. What I mean by this is that you can make your story a hero shrew in terms of backbone and structure, but what's the use of a pile of bones to anybody? There must be something to give it fluff, to make it descriptive, to make it vivid. Don't be afraid to add a few adjectives in here and there, god knows, maybe even an adverb! Look, all 'witty' sarcasm aside, I'm saying that for all the good that a well-developed story structure and dialogue can do you, people won't give it two glances when you start to write further down the line. The story is nice in itself, but it can be better.

 

This kinda ties into my second point, which is variety. Jesus skateboarding Christ, these few sentences were probably the most dreary I've ever seen written by you, ever. Take a look:

 

"The figure slowly materialized over the cremator, seemingly impervious to the heat. Koda raised his left arm, which slowly vanished in smoke. He held it over the cremator, letting the smoke from the cremator wrap around it. He retracted his arm, which slowly materialized. Koda turned to them and teleported, standing before them outside the chamber."

 

Now, look how many times you've written "materialized", "cremator" and "slowly". In 4 out of 5 sentences there was one of those words. Not entirely common words, either, apart from slowly, which I guess I can forgive ,but you must see my point: use different words. Materialized is so specific in its use that it kind of loses its meaning if you overuse it. Try words like "appeared", "emerged", "dissolved into view" and so on. Having the same word over and over makes things yawn-inducingly boring, thankfully you do not repeat this too many times. Also, before the warframe fan-fiction community appears with torches and pitchforks outside my window, I'd like to talk briefly about sentence structure.

 

I'm going to use these sentences again, because they are a very good example of the lack of variety in sentence structure. It may seem like I'm nit-picking here, which admittedly I might be, but this can be found throughout the text. Most of the sentences comprise of this:

 

"X did this, doing this.", or "X did this, which did this/ after which this happened."

 

There is not really much wrong with this, but in a scene such as this one, where you want there to be an immediacy to Koda's actions and him disappearing and reappearing into view, perhaps go for shorter sentences and less commas to speed up the reader's reading speed and increase / decrease the pace accordingly. This technique is what can separate good from bad writers, and you are not a bad writer.

 

Before the lynch mob arrives at my house, take into account what I've said and consider applying it to your work. In no way, shape or form do I hate and/or strongly oppose your writing, I think it's well-presented, quite clean and entertaining to read. My opinion is that writing should be like art, and all you need to do is fill the canvas with colour. 

[DiosGX]

LOTS OF REALLY GOOD CRITIQUE

also stuff about word repetition

I didn't really want to jump into something this large without having read it at all, so, I haven't. So take that as you will.

 

I feel obligated to say that it's not a criminal offense to use a thesaurus at times.

 

If you're using it to make yourself look smarter or wittier than you actually are, then yeah, that's a problem. If you really just cannot legitimately think of something to reduce your word repetition... just use a thesaurus. You may *gasp* increase your vocabulary and not have to use it as much later on.

 

As for general-purpose advice as regards vocabulary, I honestly used to just read a thesaurus. Thumb through it, or if you're online click on random words and look up words that appeal to you. Ever since 7th grade, my favorite word has been "viscosity" for no real reason other than it sounds cool.

o3o

[FiveHours]

A lot of writing in reply, and this face o3o

Mine is inconspicuous. Rolls off the tongue.

[ROSING]

I'd never thought I'd give criticism for this, nor do I think you necessarily need it, but I can offer some advice. Be warned, thought, I sometimes don't exactly word gud, so please excuse me if something rubs you the wrong way with what I write. I'd like my words to have some benefit, so if you need some clarification, feel free to ask.

 

A lot of the things I've read so far have been excellent story and dialogue wise, but, for the lack of a better analogy, you need to have a fat pig for it to sell well, not a skinny one. What I mean by this is that you can make your story a hero shrew in terms of backbone and structure, but what's the use of a pile of bones to anybody? There must be something to give it fluff, to make it descriptive, to make it vivid. Don't be afraid to add a few adjectives in here and there, god knows, maybe even an adverb! Look, all 'witty' sarcasm aside, I'm saying that for all the good that a well-developed story structure and dialogue can do you, people won't give it two glances when you start to write further down the line. The story is nice in itself, but it can be better.

 

This kinda ties into my second point, which is variety. Jesus skateboarding Christ, these few sentences were probably the most dreary I've ever seen written by you, ever. Take a look:

 

"The figure slowly materialized over the cremator, seemingly impervious to the heat. Koda raised his left arm, which slowly vanished in smoke. He held it over the cremator, letting the smoke from the cremator wrap around it. He retracted his arm, which slowly materialized. Koda turned to them and teleported, standing before them outside the chamber."

 

Now, look how many times you've written "materialized", "cremator" and "slowly". In 4 out of 5 sentences there was one of those words. Not entirely common words, either, apart from slowly, which I guess I can forgive ,but you must see my point: use different words. Materialized is so specific in its use that it kind of loses its meaning if you overuse it. Try words like "appeared", "emerged", "dissolved into view" and so on. Having the same word over and over makes things yawn-inducingly boring, thankfully you do not repeat this too many times. Also, before the warframe fan-fiction community appears with torches and pitchforks outside my window, I'd like to talk briefly about sentence structure.

 

I'm going to use these sentences again, because they are a very good example of the lack of variety in sentence structure. It may seem like I'm nit-picking here, which admittedly I might be, but this can be found throughout the text. Most of the sentences comprise of this:

 

"X did this, doing this.", or "X did this, which did this/ after which this happened."

 

There is not really much wrong with this, but in a scene such as this one, where you want there to be an immediacy to Koda's actions and him disappearing and reappearing into view, perhaps go for shorter sentences and less commas to speed up the reader's reading speed and increase / decrease the pace accordingly. This technique is what can separate good from bad writers, and you are not a bad writer.

 

Before the lynch mob arrives at my house, take into account what I've said and consider applying it to your work. In no way, shape or form do I hate and/or strongly oppose your writing, I think it's well-presented, quite clean and entertaining to read. My opinion is that writing should be like art, and all you need to do is fill the canvas with colour. 

 

ahahaha, this is exactly what I need, thank you!

 

Yeah, dammit, didn't read over that part carefully enough. I do try to look through for constant word repetition, but it sometimes slips through the cracks, like it clearly did here. There were so many times things were vanishing or teleporting or stuff in this chapter that I probably should have used a thesaurus :T

 

However, thank you for letting em know about sentence structure. I used to think that less sentences=better but I am now finding out that it is clearly not the case. I will keep this advice in mind!

 

And as for the adjectives, I've had some people tell me that you shouldn't use them and had some people say that you should...still fiddling around to see which works, but I will try using more adjectives. Sometimes the first advice is damning once you use the word "said" too much...

 

Thanks again, both of you! Please let me know when more of this stuff happens! :D

My favorite word is "renegade"

[FiveHours]

ahahaha, this is exactly what I need, thank you!

Glad to help.

[ROSING]

Phew.

 

Well, obviously I've been slipping. I've had to do a bit of travelling with a busy schedule, plus jet lag and two minor illnesses and I'm behind schedule once again. Writing quality probably slipped as well, so I'm counting on you guys!

 

But I do hope you enjoy, there's been a change in location (I suck at describing locations :T), and first of generation two has (sorta) appeared...we'll see how long I can last before she actually shows up.

[FiveHours]

Yeah, I like this one. A good chapter. I wouldn't say I saw a lapse in writing, if anything. Good work on this one, ROSING.

[Evanescent]

You need to build some more tension and urgency into the action scenes.

 

Conversations are AMAZING NOW!

 

It's really nice to see that you actually take the advice seriously and improve on it!

[FiveHours]

One more point, actually.

If you are going to add new characters, please make sure that it isn't too many, or that they are all alike. Too many times have I seen a story where someone gets way over their head and makes their characters the same, dreary people. It becomes so diluted, trying to find uniqueness is like trying to taste a drop of coke in a gallon of water. Pointless, boring, and makes you look a bit silly.

Edited May 21, 2015 by TheDeathofThem

[Evanescent]

One more point, actually.

If you are going to add new characters, please make sure that it isn't too many, or that they are all alike. Too many times have I seen a story where someone gets way over their head and makes their characters the same, dreary people. It becomes so diluted, trying to find uniqueness is like trying to taste a drop of coke in a gallon of water. Pointless, boring, and makes you look a bit silly.

^Truth.

 

If you feel uncomfortable you don't even need to add new ones.

Best not to dilute the story overmuch.

[Akavakaku]

It's NYX! Anyway, I really like this chapter, although I think the plural of simulacrum is simulacra.

[ROSING]

All points noted. Yeah, it keeps me up at night thinking how these characters are going to be different, especially with so many new ones slated to come in at once. Thanks for the feedback guys!

[agunlogisteam]

o.O is that nyx telepathy? 

find it out in U17 erm i mean, EP.17

[ROSING]

UPDATE CHAPTER 17 IS OUT!

 

Anyway, I guess this one was a day behind but a bit of good news is that I have now picked up a new arc for the story to follow. I may even be pumping out chapters much quicker, but any rate, I'm quite excited that I have an idea of where to go now. After the Sentient attack it was a bit unclear what to do next, but like the blades of sunlight slicing through the morning mist, a path has revealed itself and a new journey begins!

...all of which to say, I actually might know what I'm doing for these next few chapters. Anyway, Hayden gets his snazzy new outfit. Hope you enjoy, feedback and commentary are welcome as usual.

Edited May 29, 2015 by ROSING

[Akavakaku]

Nemesis awakens... Yesssssssss...

[BaIthazar]

I already hate Thames with all my being

[ROSING]

I already hate Thames with all my being

But he hasn't even done anything...yet

[FiveHours]

Ooohh... you're good.

[ROSING]

Ooohh... you're good.

 

Haha how so?

[Evanescent]

You my dear, are like...*censored* when she is *censored* and then she does *censored*......

 

Actually, you are amazing.

Looking forward to what marvels you churn out from that marvelous head of yours.

[FiveHours]

Haha how so?

I have a thing for cliffhangers. You know how to end a chapter well.

 

I do have one concern, however.

 

Anachronism. Inconsistency in time and a contradiction of events. 

 

This story is set in the time of the Orokin empire. These Tenno know nothing about housewives browsing for things in a shop, or such things. Be careful when writing similes like this, instead something more appropriate or vague may be put in, like "She browsed over them like a general before his troops" or something like that. 

 

Otherwise good work.

Edited May 30, 2015 by TheDeathofThem

[ROSING]

I have a thing for cliffhangers. You know how to end a chapter well.

 

I do have one concern, however.

 

Anachronism. Inconsistency in time and a contradiction of events. 

 

This story is set in the time of the Orokin empire. These Tenno know nothing about housewives browsing for things in a shop, or such things. Be careful when writing similes like this, instead something more appropriate or vague may be put in, like "She browsed over them like a general before his troops" or something like that. 

 

Otherwise good work.

 

Yes that did occur to me. I figured that perhaps before they were in the academy, they might've gone shopping with their moms...but who knows? So many little lore tidbits to fill.

[Evanescent]

I have a thing for cliffhangers. You know how to end a chapter well.

 

I do have one concern, however.

 

Anachronism. Inconsistency in time and a contradiction of events. 

 

This story is set in the time of the Orokin empire. These Tenno know nothing about housewives browsing for things in a shop, or such things. Be careful when writing similes like this, instead something more appropriate or vague may be put in, like "She browsed over them like a general before his troops" or something like that. 

 

Otherwise good work.

To tell the truth we do not know what civilian life was. Especially since ROSING has full reign on what happens and not.

What's there to say there were no housewives browsing in shops?The Tenno obviously had family.

[FiveHours]

To tell the truth we do not know what civilian life was. Especially since ROSING has full reign on what happens and not.

What's there to say there were no housewives browsing in shops?The Tenno obviously had family.

The Frost wakes up without any memory of why he was there. Why would he remember such things, should a need for comparison arise? Maybe this way of comparison to simpler things is a way the Tenno cope with the drastic change to their lives. Who knows.

 

I mean, this is the future, but nevertheless, not my story. It's just an observation.