Origin Stories: The First Of Them (Ch. 58: "Broken" Update)

[ROSING]

4 hours ago, Kerberos-3 said:

Oh, you don't really have to worry about "getting" to Nidus. The way I see it, there really is no reason for him not to appear, especially considering what happened with Hayden. Also, thanks for the welcome.

You make a good point, I'll have to consider it.

[Kerberos-3]

2 hours ago, ROSING said:

You make a good point, I'll have to consider it.

One more thing. I'm not sure how much of the lore your basing this off of, but it would be kinda interesting to see the rebellion of Inaros through the perspective of his fellow Tenno. Of course, that entails the arrival of a third generation of Tenno, and I have no idea if you want to go that far.

[Akavakaku]

The story remains excellent, and I didn't expect a third wave of Tenno to appear so soon! I guess since the only remaining Prime is Nova, most of them, at least, won't be getting their warframes in the story? Unless you want to just state that they're wearing a warframe, and not describe it. In any case, yeah, I wouldn't really think of Nidus and Inaros appearing until the story for some reason ran though all the previous warframes released. And since this is non-canon it's not like it even matters whether you use all the warframes.

Regarding Miyoko, yeah her battle abilities pretty much match my experience using Mag in sorties.

Actually I have a question, are there any major changes you made to the story in light of events revealed in canon? I know there's minor stuff like the elite Sentient warriors and so on.

[ROSING]

On 3/7/2017 at 8:34 PM, Kerberos-3 said:

One more thing. I'm not sure how much of the lore your basing this off of, but it would be kinda interesting to see the rebellion of Inaros through the perspective of his fellow Tenno. Of course, that entails the arrival of a third generation of Tenno, and I have no idea if you want to go that far.

 

23 minutes ago, Akavakaku said:

The story remains excellent, and I didn't expect a third wave of Tenno to appear so soon! I guess since the only remaining Prime is Nova, most of them, at least, won't be getting their warframes in the story? Unless you want to just state that they're wearing a warframe, and not describe it. In any case, yeah, I wouldn't really think of Nidus and Inaros appearing until the story for some reason ran though all the previous warframes released. And since this is non-canon it's not like it even matters whether you use all the warframes.

Regarding Miyoko, yeah her battle abilities pretty much match my experience using Mag in sorties.

Actually I have a question, are there any major changes you made to the story in light of events revealed in canon? I know there's minor stuff like the elite Sentient warriors and so on.

Inaros would be interesting, but yeah, would be a bit too far. I had a few stories for more of the Tenno, like I was going to incorporate Mirage and Limbo's lore together in a cute (but tragic) way, but I just don't think I could do a 5th season justice. Apart from that, if you're talking like major changes to the lore and such like natah and Second Dream, not really too much has been adapted. Mostly been adapting to balance passes on Warframe abilities, lol.

[Evanescent]

Well I'd say the characters are flip flapping some; in a way they are a bunch of drifters as far as plot goes. Mag has taken over the role of witch from nyx and I expect to see her levitating a gun to ride on fairly soon. I'm missing Hayden and miyoko being the twin stars of the show, but hayden got rekt trying to exorcise somma dat infested shizzle.

Spoiler

ey u asked for these anime puns, don't look at me like that

Spoiler

All right, fine, I'll give my actual thoughts after reading. Been busy af lately

 

 

[Kerberos-3]

1 hour ago, ROSING said:

 

Inaros would be interesting, but yeah, would be a bit too far. I had a few stories for more of the Tenno, like I was going to incorporate Mirage and Limbo's lore together in a cute (but tragic) way, but I just don't think I could do a 5th season justice. Apart from that, if you're talking like major changes to the lore and such like natah and Second Dream, not really too much has been adapted. Mostly been adapting to balance passes on Warframe abilities, lol.

Don't sell yourself short. If what we have seen up until now is any indication, I'd say the fifth season could possibly be the most exciting yet. Hell, I'm getting jitters already just thinking about the possible personalities for the remaining Tenno.

[ROSING]

On 3/9/2017 at 3:21 AM, Kerberos-3 said:

Don't sell yourself short. If what we have seen up until now is any indication, I'd say the fifth season could possibly be the most exciting yet. Hell, I'm getting jitters already just thinking about the possible personalities for the remaining Tenno.

I will consider it but I make no guarantees, I've made a decision to myself as a writer to settle this story in this arc.

Though when that will happen I have no idea, given how long I'm taking on these chapters; a lot of IRL stuff hit me in the face these past few weeks. Chapter 47: Unravelled, is now out on Post #37 or on the Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cCm6YSs23rdp4I_BU1-pvnWiQV6TVYdSB2wnfSNYLyc/edit?usp=sharing

Questions for feedback:

Spoiler

How was the pacing of this chapter, particularly with the conversation between Roland and Aldrich, and of course the reveal at the end of the chapter?

 

On 3/9/2017 at 3:08 AM, Evanescent said:

Well I'd say the characters are flip flapping some; in a way they are a bunch of drifters as far as plot goes. Mag has taken over the role of witch from nyx and I expect to see her levitating a gun to ride on fairly soon. I'm missing Hayden and miyoko being the twin stars of the show, but hayden got rekt trying to exorcise somma dat infested shizzle.

  Hide contents

ey u asked for these anime puns, don't look at me like that

  Hide contents

All right, fine, I'll give my actual thoughts after reading. Been busy af lately

 

 

Looking forward to it. Good to hear from you, Evan, been liking some of your posts on GD these past few weeks.

[Kerberos-3]

Sorry for the Nekro, but I can't help but try to keep this alive.

[Cyriann]

That's not a Nekros. 

ROSING is taking the tile to write and we don't want to bother him. Even if that means that the thread looks like it is dead. 

[ROSING]

Hey guys.

Don't worry, I'm still writing, and I'm sorry I haven't published anything lately--there have been a string of IRL things that have cutting down on my writing time these past few weeks, and I'm trying to do more to take that time back. I'm finalizing the changes for the next chapter and will get it out next week.

But more than that, I need your help. Because honestly, I still don't know if I'm doing anything right. The amazing and terrifying thing about writing is that you can know all the technical knowledge and have all of the experience under your belt, but ultimately, writing each story is learning something almost entirely new. It doesn't always get better and better with each new piece or chapter. The first season of OS didn't feel nearly as good to write as the second, but there are also a lot of parts in the second arc of this story that were much better than the third. And as for this fourth one...again, I'm floating in the dark here. I can't tell how enthralling or boring this is because I'm way too close to it. The only way I can get some inkling is if I let this piece simmer for like a month or if I get feedback from you, my dear and valued readers. You are more important to this process than you realize, not just as moral support but also as my finger on the pulse, to let me know if I should keep doing what I'm doing or if I need to make some drastic changes.

I'm not asking for literature reviews, just a quick youtube-length comment on what you maybe liked or what you weren't really feeling. Don't worry about if what you're feeling isn't valid, because as a reader, it is. I'm not trying to write a classic here, so if you don't like something (or you do), let me know. Give me some hype, or give me some shade, but when I post a chapter and get no responses, I have no idea how it went, and when that happens, I'm inclined to think I did something incorrectly. I know it's a bit selfish to ask of me, but if you can, please let me know how I'm doing, throw me a bone.

Because, I really mean it, feedback is greatly appreciated :) Stay tuned for next week.

[Akavakaku]

Gah, that new chapter... I understand, from a story perspective, why it makes sense for Hayden to have died. As well as the symbolism for the "extinction" of Excalibur Prime. But if Miyoko is just dead-for-reals now... I have no idea what would come next. And I don't know in what way the story would justify Hayden's successor being the next to die. I'll be reading the next installment with an open mind, and based on the writing so far I predict that whatever happens will be appropriate for the story, but I have no idea what it will be.

[Evanescent]

Okay, so I've given it a read. Pretty nice so far. Pacing is uneven, and transitions from past, memories and present events should be more distinct. Just italicising the places would help a lot I think.

Victoria and her duo are easily the most annoying characters I have read. Bit too melodramatic, and at odds with the rest of the series.

Rose is adorable.

I reserve judgement on Melody and Koda and hope they don't go down the same road as Victoria.

Also waiting for the you-will-bed-me-now scene. It could happen. Just sayin'.

I could kind of guess it was going be 

Spoiler

Hayden

at the bridge. 

Hope you don't waste potential here. An interesting route would be

Spoiler

to have Hayden back but not really as Hayden, with a different personality born from himself and the infestation. 

I want to see some chemistry with Rose, but remember you don't need to ship everyone. 

All i got for the moment. I need some more impact in the action. Sentients feel like fodder.

Plans for intelligent Sentients? Like Hunhow? Signs of sentient command?

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

Definitely agree with the "Victoria Is annoying af" thing but honestly that will probably make the resolution to her annoyingness much sweeter. At this point changing her wouldn't be a good move. Her being melodramatic and Morgan and Roland being her drama fodder could serve a purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if the other tenno pointed it out or also got annoyed by it. Basically having characters that other characters hate or dislike isn't a bad thing. The person people find the most obnoxious isn't their enemy, it's the people they have to work with even though they dislike them.

Edited April 11, 2017 by (PS4)Pinguin_ops

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

Also, I've noticed that Victoria is a protagonist that should probably be "put to the side" for awhile. There are other tenno, some of which we barely see, for example Jolla, Darren, Electro guy (Forgot his name), Rose, Roland, Morgan, and Sebastion(Kind of). The way I see this story is like nier. 2B, 9S, A2.They all have stories, they intersect sometimes but not for long. In some ways they are still connected. You could have stories that focus on exploits of certain tenno that aren't in the lime light. Sebastion could go on his own and find something or create a weapon. He could discover certain truths others didn't know. Rose could just stuble across a random event, like a murder on the ship. An intergral part of a good story is good filler. If you give people too much of the story back to back they get overloaded, they get burned out, or they get completely confused and angry. If you've seen samurai jack you would've noticed a certain trend. 90% of the show is filler (Don't do that btw just an example). Jack has self contained stories with self contained characters and self contained problems. Every problem doesn't have to nearly kill all of the tenno every time and destroy the planet. Also I think putting yourself on the ship really hurt you in the variation of story telling you could have had. Now the tenno have to do the "main story" because "you cannot return beyond this point" has been answered with yes.  Having them leave the ship for any other reason would really seem out of place.

Edited April 11, 2017 by (PS4)Pinguin_ops

[ROSING]

On 4/9/2017 at 4:31 PM, Akavakaku said:

Gah, that new chapter... I understand, from a story perspective, why it makes sense for Hayden to have died. As well as the symbolism for the "extinction" of Excalibur Prime. But if Miyoko is just dead-for-reals now... I have no idea what would come next. And I don't know in what way the story would justify Hayden's successor being the next to die. I'll be reading the next installment with an open mind, and based on the writing so far I predict that whatever happens will be appropriate for the story, but I have no idea what it will be.

Guys, thank you so much for your support and feedback, it really means a lot to me. Especially now that I know I can be doing better.

On 4/10/2017 at 1:23 AM, Evanescent said:

Okay, so I've given it a read. Pretty nice so far. Pacing is uneven, and transitions from past, memories and present events should be more distinct. Just italicising the places would help a lot I think.

Victoria and her duo are easily the most annoying characters I have read. Bit too melodramatic, and at odds with the rest of the series.

Rose is adorable.

I reserve judgement on Melody and Koda and hope they don't go down the same road as Victoria.

Also waiting for the you-will-bed-me-now scene. It could happen. Just sayin'.

I could kind of guess it was going be 

  Reveal hidden contents

Hayden

at the bridge. 

Hope you don't waste potential here. An interesting route would be

  Reveal hidden contents

to have Hayden back but not really as Hayden, with a different personality born from himself and the infestation. 

I want to see some chemistry with Rose, but remember you don't need to ship everyone. 

All i got for the moment. I need some more impact in the action. Sentients feel like fodder.

Plans for intelligent Sentients? Like Hunhow? Signs of sentient command?

I hear you on the Sentients. Right now, I guess I'm focusing more on the infestation as an enemy, so the Sentients are taking a bit of a back seat on this one...for now. They are taking on an entire fleet so I'm sure there are a few tricks up their sleeve there...and if DE could come out with some more Sentient mobs for inspiration too...

Spoiler

 

9 hours ago, (PS4)Pinguin_ops said:

Definitely agree with the "Victoria Is annoying af" thing but honestly that will probably make the resolution to her annoyingness much sweeter. At this point changing her wouldn't be a good move. Her being melodramatic and Morgan and Roland being her drama fodder could serve a purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if the other tenno pointed it out or also got annoyed by it. Basically having characters that other characters hate or dislike isn't a bad thing. The person people find the most obnoxious isn't their enemy, it's the people they have to work with even though they dislike them.

Also, I've noticed that Victoria is a protagonist that should probably be "put to the side" for awhile. There are other tenno, some of which we barely see, for example Jolla, Darren, Electro guy (Forgot his name), Rose, Roland, Morgan, and Sebastion(Kind of). The way I see this story is like nier. 2B, 9S, A2.They all have stories, they intersect sometimes but not for long. In some ways they are still connected. You could have stories that focus on exploits of certain tenno that aren't in the lime light. Sebastion could go on his own and find something or create a weapon. He could discover certain truths others didn't know. Rose could just stuble across a random event, like a murder on the ship. An intergral part of a good story is good filler. If you give people too much of the story back to back they get overloaded, they get burned out, or they get completely confused and angry. If you've seen samurai jack you would've noticed a certain trend. 90% of the show is filler (Don't do that btw just an example). Jack has self contained stories with self contained characters and self contained problems. Every problem doesn't have to nearly kill all of the tenno every time and destroy the planet. Also I think putting yourself on the ship really hurt you in the variation of story telling you could have had. Now the tenno have to do the "main story" because "you cannot return beyond this point" has been answered with yes.  Having them leave the ship for any other reason would really seem out of place.

The way I see it, certain Tenno have had their arcs pretty resolved for the now, and thus they're taking a bit of a side character route in this season. Darren and Jolla are a great example of that. It's precisely because the three musketeers are in such a rough place that I need to figure out a way to resolve them so you don't hate them.

And how...yeah they're definitely being a bit too melodramatic. I am definitely open to suggestions as to how I can improve them. @(PS4)Pinguin_ops, thanks for your suggestions, my man, they are great food for thought. And @Evanescent, man I've missed you. Any other suggestions you have for Vic and friends would be welcome.

Also, I knew I couldn't completely avoid spoiling the bridge scene...I am not yet at that stage of a writer. Around when did you figure it out?

 

[Cyriann]

1 hour ago, ROSING said:

Also, I knew I couldn't completely avoid spoiling the bridge scene...I am not yet at that stage of a writer. Around when did you figure it out?

You mean Hayden's not exactly real death ? 

Personally I wanted him to still be alive for Myoko to kick his a$s and bring him back, so I kinda never really believed on his death. But the moment a lobe signature is referred on the bridge of what's left of the Aphrodite it kinda felt obvious it couldn't be someone else than him. 

Plus I have seen this kind of twist a lot of times so I kinda expected it. 

Edited April 11, 2017 by Cyriann

[Evanescent]

1 hour ago, ROSING said:

Guys, thank you so much for your support and feedback, it really means a lot to me. Especially now that I know I can be doing better.

I hear you on the Sentients. Right now, I guess I'm focusing more on the infestation as an enemy, so the Sentients are taking a bit of a back seat on this one...for now. They are taking on an entire fleet so I'm sure there are a few tricks up their sleeve there...and if DE could come out with some more Sentient mobs for inspiration too...

  Reveal hidden contents

 

The way I see it, certain Tenno have had their arcs pretty resolved for the now, and thus they're taking a bit of a side character route in this season. Darren and Jolla are a great example of that. It's precisely because the three musketeers are in such a rough place that I need to figure out a way to resolve them so you don't hate them.

And how...yeah they're definitely being a bit too melodramatic. I am definitely open to suggestions as to how I can improve them. @(PS4)Pinguin_ops, thanks for your suggestions, my man, they are great food for thought. And @Evanescent, man I've missed you. Any other suggestions you have for Vic and friends would be welcome.

Also, I knew I couldn't completely avoid spoiling the bridge scene...I am not yet at that stage of a writer. Around when did you figure it out?

 

Pretty much when you put the Nemesis shard back into the action. (It's a lot less your fault and more of the fact that I read too much, and have seen twists pulled in so many ways in so many places that I can pretty much read future plot points from cues.)

You were making a huge thing out of Miyoko getting over Hayden. which also gave it away to me, haha.

[Kerberos-3]

Funny enough, what tipped off the bridge scene for me wasn't so much Nemesis herself, but rather a lack of activity coming from Protocalibur. I mean, Nemesis showed up, but were did he go?

[ROSING]

Oh well, guess I learned something then. But yeah, I have no idea how to handle pacing, apparently. Anyway, thanks for all the comments guys, I've been making much better progress on the story with your help. Hope I can deliver for the next chapter!

[Evanescent]

21 hours ago, ROSING said:

Oh well, guess I learned something then. But yeah, I have no idea how to handle pacing, apparently. Anyway, thanks for all the comments guys, I've been making much better progress on the story with your help. Hope I can deliver for the next chapter!

Is it time for the 'you-will-bed-me-now' scene yet

[Cyriann]

2 hours ago, Evanescent said:

Is it time for the 'you-will-bed-me-now' scene yet

You really want Koda to get laid don't you ? 

[(PSN)Pinguin_ops]

The reason they felt so melodramatic was that it felt like Roland and Morgan were only really around when Victoria had a problem. With Roland it had a sense of "I'm doing this for Victoria and that's the only reason I live" type thing. He's actually progressing well in my opinion since he's now actually getting his own kind of plot/moral thing after that Aldrich conversation. Morgan has had a good character base for awhile I just hope he gets his own little plot and doesn't have to ride the Victoria train anymore. 

[ljmadruga]

STOP PLAYING WITH MY HEART.

LET EXMAG BE HAPPY

LET FROST AND EMBER BE HAPPY

LET SPACE MOM BE HAPPY

LET EVERYONE BE HAPPY

INCLUDING ASH

ASH IS A LITTLE S#&$

BUT LET HIM BE HAPPY

[Evanescent]

On 4/13/2017 at 11:09 PM, Cyriann said:

You really want Koda to get laid don't you ? 

No, I want him to be grabbed and made passionate, ferocious love to. Then I want them to wake up, have some apple juice and make tender love. Then  I want them to share smoking 'I--shall-make-a-meal-out-of-thee' looks over some medium rare steak with extra gravy.

There's a difference.

[ROSING]

NEW CHAPTER OUT!!

On 4/13/2017 at 8:27 PM, (PS4)Pinguin_ops said:

The reason they felt so melodramatic was that it felt like Roland and Morgan were only really around when Victoria had a problem. With Roland it had a sense of "I'm doing this for Victoria and that's the only reason I live" type thing. He's actually progressing well in my opinion since he's now actually getting his own kind of plot/moral thing after that Aldrich conversation. Morgan has had a good character base for awhile I just hope he gets his own little plot and doesn't have to ride the Victoria train anymore. 

Thanks, Penguin! 

On 4/14/2017 at 11:52 PM, ljmadruga said:

STOP PLAYING WITH MY HEART.

LET EXMAG BE HAPPY

LET FROST AND EMBER BE HAPPY

LET SPACE MOM BE HAPPY

LET EVERYONE BE HAPPY

INCLUDING ASH

ASH IS A LITTLE S#&$

BUT LET HIM BE HAPPY

There's a place for Miyoko and Hayden to be happy...it's a faraway place in the sky...also welcome to the thread mate!

13 hours ago, Evanescent said:

No, I want him to be grabbed and made passionate, ferocious love to. Then I want them to wake up, have some apple juice and make tender love. Then  I want them to share smoking 'I--shall-make-a-meal-out-of-thee' looks over some medium rare steak with extra gravy.

There's a difference.

...k. I don't know about the steak and gravy but apple juice sounds nice.

Welp, chapter 48: Recurrence is now out on Post #41 or on the google doc. Aung's motives, Roland's conflict, and Miyoko's fate. 
 

Questions for feedback:

Spoiler

What are your initial impressions of the Warframe, Firstborn? How do you find the dynamic between him and Miyoko?