Kahruvel Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Aristo The Warframe for gentlemen! Now I know what you're thinking. What a snob, right? Well, you'd be right! Aristo is the snobbiest snob frame ever to grace the snobby smug face of the sun. And if you think you can play this frame with Hunter or Master, you'll be sorely mistaken. And if you think you can farm this frame, HA! I laugh at you, sir! No! For Aristo, you must purchase the Grand Master Founder package. From your high horse, scoff at the peasantry and bask in what is clearly your own aura of glorious grace! Use special, exclusive, overpowered Grand Master skills that would make even the almighty Excalibur Prime blush. Appearance Aristo will always sport the most dapper top hat and monocle you've ever seen; the monocle will be solid gold with impenetrable glass, so if Aristo is shot in the eye, no damage will be taken. His top hat will be made of the most soothing velvet, and the brim and ribbon will be gold-encrusted with a violet trim to accentuate how much better he is than you. Yes, you. Unless you happen to qualify for Aristo, then bravo! Skills Rather than use energy (ugh, effort), Aristo's skills will cost credits. Not a problem for a wealthy dapper gent! 1. Caviar Toss - 500 Credits Aristo reaches into his dinner jacket and grabs a handful of caviar, which he then tosses at the enemy. The enemy will want to be just like Aristo due to his perfection and wealth, and will immediately lick the caviar off the dirty floor. This will make them vomit, making them extremely vulnerable to attack. 2. Boast - 1000 Credits Aristo will pull a fat wad of credits out and loudly proclaim that he can simply throw his money away as fast as he can and still have enough to pay the bills for his fleet of Rolls Royces and seven space station mansions. He will then accentuate his point by lighting the credits on fire. Nearby enemy morale will take a massive hit if they see this display of raw power, halving their health and nerfing their accuracy permanently. 3. Bodyguard - 2000 Credits Aristo uses his hands-free cellphone to hire a bodyguard. An allied Stalker appears to glare menacingly at the non-Aristo players in the game, making rude remarks and killing anything (or any Tenno) that stays within 10m of Aristo for too long. 4. Credit Toss - 3000 Credits Aristo's top hat will open up and spew out credits, each a green wad of 100 Credits each. All enemies within three tiles will come running to pick them up, and when retrieved, these credits will explode, instantly killing them. This will also work on bosses and the damage stacks. But Wait, There's More! Sentinel Aristo will have his very own Sentinel, "Butler", which will come pre-equipped with all the mods it needs and will be Rank 30. This Sentinel will manage Aristo's accounts and all economical dealings, looting containers and collecting cash from corpses as it goes. Butler does not share; if he manages to get to credits before other Tenno do, the credits go only to Aristo. If other Tenno happen to pick up credits Butler is moving to, Butler will fire a beam of energy that will zap the offender to discourage such theft. To enforce this point, Butler will speak with a robotic butler voice, reminding other Tenno very loudly that their contractual obligations prevent them from looting funds in the presence of Aristo, and that further offenses will result in extermination by the Bodyguard. Aristo's Behavior Instead of placing waypoints (Aristo does not cooperate with common rabble), pressing G will make Aristo insult the target directly. If he insults a module for being a lazy and overpaid slacker, the module will roll to him in apology. Any enemy he insults will surrender, with a 10% chance of committing suicide. Because this warframe will be special, it needs to be balanced. Aristo will have his very own voice lines. These will mostly consist of his constant boasting of how wealthy and important he is. This does, however, prevent Aristo from using any stealth tactics, as enemies map-wide will hear him rant and rave. Attempting to use parkour or roll at all will make Aristo insult the person playing him, saying that only a common street performer would ever commit such acts. If there is a location that must be reached via parkour, Butler will carry Aristo there. Extraction Aha! You think Aristo would leave in a cramped little box strapped to a flimsy fighter craft? Hogwash! Think again! For his extraction, Aristo will board the classiest of space yachts available, the Rolls-Royce of the future. A ramp will extend into the facility, and Butler will swoop in to prepare and pour a glass of wine for Aristo to take and sip delicately. He will wave "bye" into the ship at any surviving enemies like an &#!, and will power off into the darkness. All Tenno will have to watch this scene, and not their own extraction... And you will feel inferior. Mark my words. You will feel like garbage. This is a joke, just fyi. Edited May 13, 2013 by Kahruvel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FateZero Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Point of topic? No TLDR? I know it's a joke, I read that part. Edited May 13, 2013 by FateZero Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blatantfool Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'd play it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahruvel Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 Point of topic? No TLDR? I know it's a joke, I read that part. Read the title line, then continue on your merry way! Aristo has no time for your ilk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panodarl Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Sir, you just made my day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheErebus. Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 9999 plat for direct purchase.And Blueprint only 60000000000 creds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azure_Kytia Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'd play it. But it needs to be accessible ONLY by players that have reached Mastery Rank 30. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FateZero Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 But it needs to be accessible ONLY by players that have reached Mastery Rank 30. and Grand Master. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V0LK Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Wrong section. "Oh, I'm So Funny" threads go to Off Topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fleetwing Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'm throwing my money at the screen, but it isn't working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinderain Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Wrong section. "Oh, I'm So Funny" threads go to Off Topic I don't think the internet is the place for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NekoFire Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 This frame is amazing :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inquisitioner Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I just have to post the obligatory picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laughkiller Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I just have to post the obligatory picture. damn it i was gonna post it xD i was a few minutes too late Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luminati07 Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Hahahaha, love it. Op, you make me happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quetzhal Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'm throwing my money at the screen, but it isn't working. It has to be exactly $250, sir. Only then will the screen absorb your money. Also, decorating your money with little top hats and monocles might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahruvel Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 But it needs to be accessible ONLY by players that have reached Mastery Rank 30. Untrue! Haven't you heard? Money bypasses effort! You can always hire someone to do the job for you - oftentimes below minimum wage, if you catch my meaning! Underpaid Labor is actually one of Aristo's many frame-unique mod cards. It halves all credits picked up by other Tenno, and doubles Aristo's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azure_Kytia Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Untrue! Haven't you heard? Money bypasses effort! You can always hire someone to do the job for you - oftentimes below minimum wage, if you catch my meaning! Underpaid Labor is actually one of Aristo's many frame-unique mod cards. It halves all credits picked up by other Tenno, and doubles Aristo's. I do not recall specifying where and how you acquire the Mastery Ranks, misled sireling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feam Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Still the god damn funniest poster on the forums. I tip my clearly-inferior top hat to you, Kahruvel - Slayer of Nerfs and Orokorpus Techonologies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panzerdraco Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'm trying to mentally visualise what a biomechanical top hat would look like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahruvel Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'm trying to mentally visualise what a biomechanical top hat would look like. It'd probably look like a really deformed electricity-powered tumor... but a very wealthy electricity-powered tumor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feldgrep Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Just wondering, and this probably has no connection whatsoever to your post, but how much have you had to drink? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainHugeKatana Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Great idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie9001 Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 This is a joke, just fyi. I still hate this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syllabea Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 This frame seems very effective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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